Please God, call me out. What am I doing here? My heart is not here; my passion for ministry is elsewhere. Please give me and opportunity to tell him where my heart is. Please help them let me go. Please provide a way into ministry, where this is no longer something that seems confusing. Do I even have the right to ask you that? I desire you. I desire your will for my life. I desire your provision, and Lord, all I want to do is be yours.
Lord, specifically:
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
11 For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
Psalm 143
1Hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my plea!
Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
2 Don’t put your servant on trial,
for no one is innocent before you.
3 My enemy has chased me.
He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
4 I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
5 I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
6 I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
Interlude
7 Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
8 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
11 For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
12 In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Giving up the American Dream
Yesterday was a hard day. For one, I wasn't really feeling well. I got to leave work a little early and just relax, which was nice, but more than the physical sickness, I couldn't find a way to turn my thoughts off.
Do you ever have days like that? Where you run through every possibility open to you and you worship them? You idolize the options and you bare you soul to the idea that you can be anything and in that exposure to everything the world offers, you miss God? Entirely? My heart ached for Him yesterday, b/c I spent the entire day prostituting myself to the ideas man plants into my mind:
Be anything. Find job security. Make yourself better, more marketable. Get certified in something, anything, and run with it. You'll need it later. You're young, you're gonna do great things, kid. Except you'll only do great things if you follow a certain path - there's a one-way street, and it has everything to do with picking the right grad school, choosing the right certification program, getting into the right meetings and knowing the right people.
All. Day. Long.
It's pounded into me here, and yesterday, it got to me. I looked at every option I could, and examined all the different possibilities to keep myself "safe." Financially provided for. There's no faith in that, there's no leaning on the Eternal God and there's no reason to trust Him if I have it all figured out.
Tell that to me yesterday.
I was on all sorts of websites, trying to find the way out. God, help me help you. You want me to serve you, and you've got me stuck here, so I might as well make the most of it, right? Might as well learn network admin, or web development, or something that will make me more appreciated here than just being a receptionist... Ego? Maybe that's what caused it? Pride? Definitely pride. Because at the root of the whole epidose of worry yesterday was the fact that I crave control over my destiny, and I don't simply let go and trust. I desire to steer myself towards what the world finds satisfactory and hope that God approves and can then take my efforts and use them. These are leftovers - efforts remaining from a heart too scared/selfish/prideful/sinful to give up and choose Him in the first place. They are leftovers and they are sin.
So I leave work yesterday just, restless. I have to keep from being a failure, I have to keep my head above water, I have to figure out how to make this job work according to the Lord's plans. I have to...
Control has always been an issue for me. In relationships, I had no idea how to let a godly man lead. I had no idea how to be pursued. I had no idea how to trust that the failure of my plans did not mean God was through with me, but really trying to show me something better.
So last night, I'm just frustrated. I can't figure out how to reconcile dreams from the Lord with plans from a worldly mindset. I try to compare the two, make them work with each other and its like combining oil and water - they won't mix.
So I quit trying.
Praise the Lamb who chose me when He could've walked off the cross.
And as soon as I gave up, He gave me these verses to cling to as truth:
Proverbs 3:5-7
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
I surrendered the struggle to figure it out. I quit trying. People have been telling me to quit trying for so long, but I never got it; I never understood until last night.
I am free from the fear the world places in me of not being an "accomplished individual," and I am not responsible for planning my way into ministry. I am responsible for trusting my Savior, whose love endures forever, to open the doors He chooses to open, and in the mean time, live for Him. I am responsible for letting go of control. So what if I don't have marketable skills that will carry me throughout the rest of a career? God is guiding everything, and the wisdom I try to find in my own strength is foolishness. My understanding (aka, my control over my future career just b/c someone tells me I have to be somebody) is flawed with sin, and breaks the heart of a Holy God. So I trust Him. I trust His timing and I trust His leading to keep me here for now. I trust the doors He will open in the future, but it's not my job to actively seek those doors.
I literally can't describe to you the joy and the relief of finally understanding that I had the freedom to surrender that fight. I have the freedom to be impoverished for the sake of the gospel; that others may know Him and never once worry about the perception of the world. I don't have to fit into an "American Dream" mold; I don't have to trust in my own abilities to weather these tough economic times, and I don't have to lose sleep anymore wondering what the next step is going to be! I'm free to be His, and for now, He's freed me of my own understanding! He's shown me that attempts to control my life are rooted in sin and I should shun them. The Bible says to shun all evil, fear the Lord, and never once to trust yourself.
This is freedom - that my Jesus, my Savior whose love I don't deserve, not only rescues me from my sin on a daily basis, but gives me the beautiful gift of faith to believe His Word. I wholeheartedly believe that my life is about to take turns that require extraordinary trust in Jesus, and its critical that I learn now to never lean on my own understanding, especially for such concerns as financial security. Its critical I acknowledge that my desire to plan, control, etc is in direct conflict with God's dreams and my schemes are evil. His dreams are good. The clarity from letting go and accepting Christ as the leader of your "American Dream" is awesome, but it's a struggle. We're engrained to trust in ourselves as Americans, and letting God take over only when we seem to lack control. What if we lacked control over it all, and God was allowed to take over everything?
He took over that struggle for me last night, and I just wanted to share how freeing it is. How beautiful. He can't direct your paths if you're trusting in your own abilities; give up. It's so, so good.
Do you ever have days like that? Where you run through every possibility open to you and you worship them? You idolize the options and you bare you soul to the idea that you can be anything and in that exposure to everything the world offers, you miss God? Entirely? My heart ached for Him yesterday, b/c I spent the entire day prostituting myself to the ideas man plants into my mind:
Be anything. Find job security. Make yourself better, more marketable. Get certified in something, anything, and run with it. You'll need it later. You're young, you're gonna do great things, kid. Except you'll only do great things if you follow a certain path - there's a one-way street, and it has everything to do with picking the right grad school, choosing the right certification program, getting into the right meetings and knowing the right people.
All. Day. Long.
It's pounded into me here, and yesterday, it got to me. I looked at every option I could, and examined all the different possibilities to keep myself "safe." Financially provided for. There's no faith in that, there's no leaning on the Eternal God and there's no reason to trust Him if I have it all figured out.
Tell that to me yesterday.
I was on all sorts of websites, trying to find the way out. God, help me help you. You want me to serve you, and you've got me stuck here, so I might as well make the most of it, right? Might as well learn network admin, or web development, or something that will make me more appreciated here than just being a receptionist... Ego? Maybe that's what caused it? Pride? Definitely pride. Because at the root of the whole epidose of worry yesterday was the fact that I crave control over my destiny, and I don't simply let go and trust. I desire to steer myself towards what the world finds satisfactory and hope that God approves and can then take my efforts and use them. These are leftovers - efforts remaining from a heart too scared/selfish/prideful/sinful to give up and choose Him in the first place. They are leftovers and they are sin.
So I leave work yesterday just, restless. I have to keep from being a failure, I have to keep my head above water, I have to figure out how to make this job work according to the Lord's plans. I have to...
Control has always been an issue for me. In relationships, I had no idea how to let a godly man lead. I had no idea how to be pursued. I had no idea how to trust that the failure of my plans did not mean God was through with me, but really trying to show me something better.
So last night, I'm just frustrated. I can't figure out how to reconcile dreams from the Lord with plans from a worldly mindset. I try to compare the two, make them work with each other and its like combining oil and water - they won't mix.
So I quit trying.
Praise the Lamb who chose me when He could've walked off the cross.
And as soon as I gave up, He gave me these verses to cling to as truth:
Proverbs 3:5-7
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
I surrendered the struggle to figure it out. I quit trying. People have been telling me to quit trying for so long, but I never got it; I never understood until last night.
I am free from the fear the world places in me of not being an "accomplished individual," and I am not responsible for planning my way into ministry. I am responsible for trusting my Savior, whose love endures forever, to open the doors He chooses to open, and in the mean time, live for Him. I am responsible for letting go of control. So what if I don't have marketable skills that will carry me throughout the rest of a career? God is guiding everything, and the wisdom I try to find in my own strength is foolishness. My understanding (aka, my control over my future career just b/c someone tells me I have to be somebody) is flawed with sin, and breaks the heart of a Holy God. So I trust Him. I trust His timing and I trust His leading to keep me here for now. I trust the doors He will open in the future, but it's not my job to actively seek those doors.
I literally can't describe to you the joy and the relief of finally understanding that I had the freedom to surrender that fight. I have the freedom to be impoverished for the sake of the gospel; that others may know Him and never once worry about the perception of the world. I don't have to fit into an "American Dream" mold; I don't have to trust in my own abilities to weather these tough economic times, and I don't have to lose sleep anymore wondering what the next step is going to be! I'm free to be His, and for now, He's freed me of my own understanding! He's shown me that attempts to control my life are rooted in sin and I should shun them. The Bible says to shun all evil, fear the Lord, and never once to trust yourself.
This is freedom - that my Jesus, my Savior whose love I don't deserve, not only rescues me from my sin on a daily basis, but gives me the beautiful gift of faith to believe His Word. I wholeheartedly believe that my life is about to take turns that require extraordinary trust in Jesus, and its critical that I learn now to never lean on my own understanding, especially for such concerns as financial security. Its critical I acknowledge that my desire to plan, control, etc is in direct conflict with God's dreams and my schemes are evil. His dreams are good. The clarity from letting go and accepting Christ as the leader of your "American Dream" is awesome, but it's a struggle. We're engrained to trust in ourselves as Americans, and letting God take over only when we seem to lack control. What if we lacked control over it all, and God was allowed to take over everything?
He took over that struggle for me last night, and I just wanted to share how freeing it is. How beautiful. He can't direct your paths if you're trusting in your own abilities; give up. It's so, so good.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Marshall
How do you define vision? Heck if I know. All I know is I've been praying for it and when it comes, its like a flood from the Lord who wants us to follow Him.
"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:17-18
"Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" Matthew 19:21
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27
The command is clear: Care for the poor. "Jesus never healed half-way" (Marshall said that - I'll get to him in a moment). So why, WHY do I think that ministry can't be all-encompassing, and why do I not find more opportunities to serve? Why am I so content to follow someone else's vision that really has no bearing on my calling in life?
No more settling. Praying for more flooding. Make it obvious there's more and the calling is elsewhere, not here. Easy to leave. Easy to uproot and easy to look people in the eye and tell them the truth - that I'm called to something else.
Praying for help. Have no clue where to begin. Jireh. That place next to it is for lease. Practical beginnings: ask for donations - college kids can paint the place, make it look modern and inviting. Shelter? Definitely a food pantry. Babysitting for moms who need to work and can't afford it? College kids who have random slots of time in their schedule? Just come by and be available. Teach the children the gospel as their moms work. Serve the mothers who could never otherwise afford it. Feed the children; give them spritual building blocks for thier lives.
Need help. Need prayer. Need donations. Need the Lord to empty me completely of myself. I need Him. Desperately. How do you follow a massive dream?
Lord, if you so desire, and if this is from you, then rush over me with peace (as only a flood can) and send people who can help, who have a heart for the same things. Who can affirm your call. Send people who have the vision to serve and care for the poor, widows, and orphans. Convict me of the selfishness that prevented You from working for so long. Thank you for Marshall, for Katie, for Fairfax, VA.
Take the dream and change it into whatever You choose. Hold me and I pursue You. Lord, please send your presence as enough. Psalm 114 says your presence is to be greatly feared, and to think that presence lives in me... Who am I? Humbled.
Send peace, dear Father. Send suffiency so its a miracle for which You are praised. Make it OBVIOUS that You had to deliver. Make it Yours. Take me away and make it all Yours, Lord. Bring forth dreamers who can change the world for You, too.
God, please send the courage that enabled David to kill a giant. That courage exists only from the God who is mighty to save and completely faithful. Whole. Entirely sufficient to meet needs as I follow your commands. Faithful. Trustworthy. Dear God, I'm giving this back to You, and simply praying for You to affirm and to guide.
and Marshall.
Lord, he knows more about life than I ever will. Deliver him from chains - break Satan. Smash Satan. Rip Satan away and hold Marshall through the questions, the withdrawal, the insecurity. Lord, for your Glory and Fame, set a captive free to serve You with his entire being.
You are Power and Might and Majesty and You deserve all the Honor and Glory forever and ever. Come back soon, please God.
I love You.
"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:17-18
"Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" Matthew 19:21
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27
The command is clear: Care for the poor. "Jesus never healed half-way" (Marshall said that - I'll get to him in a moment). So why, WHY do I think that ministry can't be all-encompassing, and why do I not find more opportunities to serve? Why am I so content to follow someone else's vision that really has no bearing on my calling in life?
No more settling. Praying for more flooding. Make it obvious there's more and the calling is elsewhere, not here. Easy to leave. Easy to uproot and easy to look people in the eye and tell them the truth - that I'm called to something else.
Praying for help. Have no clue where to begin. Jireh. That place next to it is for lease. Practical beginnings: ask for donations - college kids can paint the place, make it look modern and inviting. Shelter? Definitely a food pantry. Babysitting for moms who need to work and can't afford it? College kids who have random slots of time in their schedule? Just come by and be available. Teach the children the gospel as their moms work. Serve the mothers who could never otherwise afford it. Feed the children; give them spritual building blocks for thier lives.
Need help. Need prayer. Need donations. Need the Lord to empty me completely of myself. I need Him. Desperately. How do you follow a massive dream?
Lord, if you so desire, and if this is from you, then rush over me with peace (as only a flood can) and send people who can help, who have a heart for the same things. Who can affirm your call. Send people who have the vision to serve and care for the poor, widows, and orphans. Convict me of the selfishness that prevented You from working for so long. Thank you for Marshall, for Katie, for Fairfax, VA.
Take the dream and change it into whatever You choose. Hold me and I pursue You. Lord, please send your presence as enough. Psalm 114 says your presence is to be greatly feared, and to think that presence lives in me... Who am I? Humbled.
Send peace, dear Father. Send suffiency so its a miracle for which You are praised. Make it OBVIOUS that You had to deliver. Make it Yours. Take me away and make it all Yours, Lord. Bring forth dreamers who can change the world for You, too.
God, please send the courage that enabled David to kill a giant. That courage exists only from the God who is mighty to save and completely faithful. Whole. Entirely sufficient to meet needs as I follow your commands. Faithful. Trustworthy. Dear God, I'm giving this back to You, and simply praying for You to affirm and to guide.
and Marshall.
Lord, he knows more about life than I ever will. Deliver him from chains - break Satan. Smash Satan. Rip Satan away and hold Marshall through the questions, the withdrawal, the insecurity. Lord, for your Glory and Fame, set a captive free to serve You with his entire being.
You are Power and Might and Majesty and You deserve all the Honor and Glory forever and ever. Come back soon, please God.
I love You.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Old Friend - Intro
Part One - For the sake of accountability, I'm going to try to update this every Saturday with the journey to better know Him through asking these hard questions. Praying for Truth, every moment of every day.
I feel like I'm coming home to an old friend with open arms, somone peaceful and calm in the middle of cold, dreary weather. I've missed writing. I've missed the intimacy with Jesus that I find when I pour out life onto a page. There's been a lot of life lately. A lot of color, joy, beauty, and ugliness; the full spectrum of grays translating over into reds and orange and flowing back to yellow and soft hues of blue.
I miss a lot. I miss the students. It was like I was on summer break with them, which is actually kinda cool because I would've never otherwise remembered it was summer. And now fall - or is this fall? Its cold and wet and rainy outside. Kinda reminds me of winter last year... but I digress. And now I just ordered my material for small groups to the correct address (the joys of moving - finally), and those college girls are a joy. Loving them and living life with them is such a blessing; they have no idea. And on top of all the life that God chooses to give, He's blessed me with sweet relationships. Beautiful friendships that I treasure more than I ever realized I would, and friends who build me up in Christ and speak truth to me and with whom I can be completely transparent with no guards up, no walls. It's hard to switch in and out of worlds where no one really has time to see your heart, or understand your passion, or care about deep, below-surface-level community together.
Time. Its the one thing I used to have that does not exist anymore. And as much as I want to blame my job; as much as I want to get so frustrated that my workload gets bigger and bigger, quitting my job would only be a temporary fix, because before I know it, I'll fill my time up again with even more things that don't matter. I'll get really busy for the sake of "ministry," or whatever else it is, and miss my God all over again. So I label my life, place difference pieces as more important, more convenient ways to get to God, and still miss Him.
I am asking myself a lot of hard questions right now, and the journey is beginning to be intentional about taking them before Jesus and in spite of the uncertainty, knowing Him. I want to document this journey, and know that here, in October of 2011, God started the preparation for something bigger, and the vision for something greater than myself.
So please share it. Please know that its a joy and an honor to share this with you. And its a beautiful thing to have community here in Northern Virginia, where God has placed me for such a time as this.
But I ask Him every day, and search for answers every day, and the same activity goes on and on in my head and I look at the people around me every day and wonder what I'm doing here.
Am I really called?
Am I really just miserable in my circumstances right now and looking for a way out, and do I have the audacity to use the excuse of "ministry" as a reason to quit?
Do I really just miss God so much that I think ministry will solve my problems of spending time with him?
Am I so intimidated by what the world thinks of me that I'm really just too scared to face teh disappointed faces?
Am I scared of money, or the lack of it?
How do I know God, what do I do?
How is this time of molding and shaping something He can possibly use to bring Himself glory when I struggle every day to just spend time with Him?
How do I get to know my Jesus better, and love the people I work with, and love the students and be a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, sister, human being, when my life is swallowed by things I', not passionate about?
How can He possibly use that to His glory?
And why won't He just let me quit?
Hard questions. So I write them out and I process them as best I can, and I get back to work. And I drive through traffic every day, stare at a screen, and get back to them later when I have time.
What if I stay so busy to purposefully ignore the answers?
There's comfort in writing. There's comfort in knowing the voice of my God is still here, and His hands are holding me, even though I am the least of these. He has told me so many things lately. I'm learning to say "no" to over-committing myself. I'm learning to wait on Him and trust Him. I'm finding there's a huge difference between knowing God intimately and trusting Him. Intimacy feels safe, its this place of rest in the middle of the storm. Trust happens when the feeling isnt there, and all the comfort in the world can't seem to be found. I think.
He has given me so many words of truth: "I'm preparing you," "Learn to say 'no,'" "Know Me - simply just know Me," and my favorite: "My plans are best for you." He has the best plans for me, and all I have to do is trust that. Let this worry go. Let these fears of failing on so many different fronts be nailed to the cross of my Jesus and simply know Love, know The Way.
How do you become so desparate for Christ, for this massive blanket of supernatural love that you'd give up everything? I think what's worse is getting to that point but having no direction to follow. Give up everything, then what?
Where do I go from there, and why?
He is faithful to me. He is love and rest and peace to me, and He has given me writing as a gift to unwrap all these deep, dark, horrifying questions that I may not want to know the answer to, and one by one, begin to seek Him. Not what He can give me as an answer, but Him.
He is enough. He is the old friend to whom I am returning.
Psalm 107:43 - Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the Lord.
I feel like I'm coming home to an old friend with open arms, somone peaceful and calm in the middle of cold, dreary weather. I've missed writing. I've missed the intimacy with Jesus that I find when I pour out life onto a page. There's been a lot of life lately. A lot of color, joy, beauty, and ugliness; the full spectrum of grays translating over into reds and orange and flowing back to yellow and soft hues of blue.
I miss a lot. I miss the students. It was like I was on summer break with them, which is actually kinda cool because I would've never otherwise remembered it was summer. And now fall - or is this fall? Its cold and wet and rainy outside. Kinda reminds me of winter last year... but I digress. And now I just ordered my material for small groups to the correct address (the joys of moving - finally), and those college girls are a joy. Loving them and living life with them is such a blessing; they have no idea. And on top of all the life that God chooses to give, He's blessed me with sweet relationships. Beautiful friendships that I treasure more than I ever realized I would, and friends who build me up in Christ and speak truth to me and with whom I can be completely transparent with no guards up, no walls. It's hard to switch in and out of worlds where no one really has time to see your heart, or understand your passion, or care about deep, below-surface-level community together.
Time. Its the one thing I used to have that does not exist anymore. And as much as I want to blame my job; as much as I want to get so frustrated that my workload gets bigger and bigger, quitting my job would only be a temporary fix, because before I know it, I'll fill my time up again with even more things that don't matter. I'll get really busy for the sake of "ministry," or whatever else it is, and miss my God all over again. So I label my life, place difference pieces as more important, more convenient ways to get to God, and still miss Him.
I am asking myself a lot of hard questions right now, and the journey is beginning to be intentional about taking them before Jesus and in spite of the uncertainty, knowing Him. I want to document this journey, and know that here, in October of 2011, God started the preparation for something bigger, and the vision for something greater than myself.
So please share it. Please know that its a joy and an honor to share this with you. And its a beautiful thing to have community here in Northern Virginia, where God has placed me for such a time as this.
But I ask Him every day, and search for answers every day, and the same activity goes on and on in my head and I look at the people around me every day and wonder what I'm doing here.
Am I really called?
Am I really just miserable in my circumstances right now and looking for a way out, and do I have the audacity to use the excuse of "ministry" as a reason to quit?
Do I really just miss God so much that I think ministry will solve my problems of spending time with him?
Am I so intimidated by what the world thinks of me that I'm really just too scared to face teh disappointed faces?
Am I scared of money, or the lack of it?
How do I know God, what do I do?
How is this time of molding and shaping something He can possibly use to bring Himself glory when I struggle every day to just spend time with Him?
How do I get to know my Jesus better, and love the people I work with, and love the students and be a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, sister, human being, when my life is swallowed by things I', not passionate about?
How can He possibly use that to His glory?
And why won't He just let me quit?
Hard questions. So I write them out and I process them as best I can, and I get back to work. And I drive through traffic every day, stare at a screen, and get back to them later when I have time.
What if I stay so busy to purposefully ignore the answers?
There's comfort in writing. There's comfort in knowing the voice of my God is still here, and His hands are holding me, even though I am the least of these. He has told me so many things lately. I'm learning to say "no" to over-committing myself. I'm learning to wait on Him and trust Him. I'm finding there's a huge difference between knowing God intimately and trusting Him. Intimacy feels safe, its this place of rest in the middle of the storm. Trust happens when the feeling isnt there, and all the comfort in the world can't seem to be found. I think.
He has given me so many words of truth: "I'm preparing you," "Learn to say 'no,'" "Know Me - simply just know Me," and my favorite: "My plans are best for you." He has the best plans for me, and all I have to do is trust that. Let this worry go. Let these fears of failing on so many different fronts be nailed to the cross of my Jesus and simply know Love, know The Way.
How do you become so desparate for Christ, for this massive blanket of supernatural love that you'd give up everything? I think what's worse is getting to that point but having no direction to follow. Give up everything, then what?
Where do I go from there, and why?
He is faithful to me. He is love and rest and peace to me, and He has given me writing as a gift to unwrap all these deep, dark, horrifying questions that I may not want to know the answer to, and one by one, begin to seek Him. Not what He can give me as an answer, but Him.
He is enough. He is the old friend to whom I am returning.
Psalm 107:43 - Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the Lord.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Confessions
So I suck - completely.
Run-down of my days:
Include work - getting up at 5:50 to get ready for the day, fight traffic, and be in the office around 7:45. All day. Usually eat lunch at my desk, no big deal, it happens, stuff's gotta get done. Get off work and I briefly entertain the thought of going for a run before hanging out with students. Because if I'm honest, at any moment of the day, I'd always rather spend it with students - high school or college. Over work, exercise, reading, sleeping, eating, dating, whatever - I'd rather build relationships and love on the amazing students God has placed in my life. And there's joy in that b/c I was created to make disciples.
But I'm empty. I'm so freaking depleted and there's not much left to pour out when I'm not letting God pour into me. And the time, even doing ministry, selfishly becomes mine all over again when I have nothing to offer from b/c I'm not spending time with Him in the first place. And I'm so disgusted with myself. I know this. He isn't going to try to convince me to give up my time to Him; it should just be something I do because I love my Father. But I don't.
No, I work. A lot. And I drown myself in thoughts of "maybe I can still do both," and maybe one day I'll just be "Corporate Ellen" and these ideas penetrate my drives home and all I do is wonder and I act on nothing and my time is still attacked and I'm still running on empty.
The bottomline is I miss Jesus. I'm angry that I allow the time to become my time and its wasted away for things other than ministry and I tell myself I'd give this all up in a moment if God called me out of it. That would be so awesome. Perfect. Would make it so much easier to grow in Him, be His, have time for Him, etc. Right? Maybe?
Maybe not. I can't even give Him time now, so what makes me think it'll get better just because the title changes to something to do with ministry? Who am I fooling? I suck; I let my time slip away and call it God's when the reality is it's totally mine and I'm selfish and foolish, thinking I have something to offer. There's no one to blame but myself. Nowhere to point the finger but towards my own selfishness.
I know this:
1. Jesus has called me to follow Him selflessly and make disciples. Right now, its convenient to do ministry with my job and b/c its convenient, its becoming easier and easier to stay settled in that situation and not ask God to grow. Not ask Him to stretch my faith to something uncomfortable again b/c seriously, I just got comfortable and everything is so easy right now. I call ministry mine and forget it was His in the first place.
2. I suck at spending time with Him. I'm too selfish with my schedule and I'm getting burnt out.
3. I still flirt with my future being something other than what He intended for me. MPA. MBA. GREs. Grad school options everywhere. Imagining possibilities provides an escape sometimes and it leads to dangerous roads that bring Him zero honor and glory whatsoever.
4. I'm terrified that I'm stuck here in this complacency and I'll drown in it; I can't shake that terror, but I let it linger; control it, box it up, give it a name, tame it so I can at least understand it and not let it control me. Rationalize my reason for remaining complacent.
The reality is, I have been praying for an open door and it's been sitting in my inbox. And I know it and I've let it lie and finally, God's bringing me to this point where repentence and filthy rags are all I have to offer and there is literally no point in waiting around anymore. None. I have nothing to lose, because all the faith I can muster has only served to open my eyes to how wasteful I am with my time and how empty I am without Christ and I can't fix that without Him. All I can do is turn to Him. All I can do is ask for help. B/c I sure can't quit complacency on my own. And trusting Him is only going to bring me closer to His plans. That's all I wanted in the first place, back when I didn't have anything going for me then, either. Nothing's changed, I just allow myself to think it has.
I worship my time, and the options I have to spend my time on. I worship the idea of freedom, and relish the fact that if I really wanted to, I can pick up and leave and go anywhere. I worship my potential and the flattery of the world to tell me what my potential is.
I worship me and call it "ministry." I worship me and call it "time for God." I worship me and call it my blog, my facebook, twitter, "outreach." I worship me and call it a job that allows me to still do ministry on the side when in reality I have no freaking idea what surrender can be because I still worship myself.
Praise God for Jesus. And everything He is. Past, Present, Future. His example. His walk and His love.
Matthew 4.1-11.
Nothing to lose.
Run-down of my days:
Include work - getting up at 5:50 to get ready for the day, fight traffic, and be in the office around 7:45. All day. Usually eat lunch at my desk, no big deal, it happens, stuff's gotta get done. Get off work and I briefly entertain the thought of going for a run before hanging out with students. Because if I'm honest, at any moment of the day, I'd always rather spend it with students - high school or college. Over work, exercise, reading, sleeping, eating, dating, whatever - I'd rather build relationships and love on the amazing students God has placed in my life. And there's joy in that b/c I was created to make disciples.
But I'm empty. I'm so freaking depleted and there's not much left to pour out when I'm not letting God pour into me. And the time, even doing ministry, selfishly becomes mine all over again when I have nothing to offer from b/c I'm not spending time with Him in the first place. And I'm so disgusted with myself. I know this. He isn't going to try to convince me to give up my time to Him; it should just be something I do because I love my Father. But I don't.
No, I work. A lot. And I drown myself in thoughts of "maybe I can still do both," and maybe one day I'll just be "Corporate Ellen" and these ideas penetrate my drives home and all I do is wonder and I act on nothing and my time is still attacked and I'm still running on empty.
The bottomline is I miss Jesus. I'm angry that I allow the time to become my time and its wasted away for things other than ministry and I tell myself I'd give this all up in a moment if God called me out of it. That would be so awesome. Perfect. Would make it so much easier to grow in Him, be His, have time for Him, etc. Right? Maybe?
Maybe not. I can't even give Him time now, so what makes me think it'll get better just because the title changes to something to do with ministry? Who am I fooling? I suck; I let my time slip away and call it God's when the reality is it's totally mine and I'm selfish and foolish, thinking I have something to offer. There's no one to blame but myself. Nowhere to point the finger but towards my own selfishness.
I know this:
1. Jesus has called me to follow Him selflessly and make disciples. Right now, its convenient to do ministry with my job and b/c its convenient, its becoming easier and easier to stay settled in that situation and not ask God to grow. Not ask Him to stretch my faith to something uncomfortable again b/c seriously, I just got comfortable and everything is so easy right now. I call ministry mine and forget it was His in the first place.
2. I suck at spending time with Him. I'm too selfish with my schedule and I'm getting burnt out.
3. I still flirt with my future being something other than what He intended for me. MPA. MBA. GREs. Grad school options everywhere. Imagining possibilities provides an escape sometimes and it leads to dangerous roads that bring Him zero honor and glory whatsoever.
4. I'm terrified that I'm stuck here in this complacency and I'll drown in it; I can't shake that terror, but I let it linger; control it, box it up, give it a name, tame it so I can at least understand it and not let it control me. Rationalize my reason for remaining complacent.
The reality is, I have been praying for an open door and it's been sitting in my inbox. And I know it and I've let it lie and finally, God's bringing me to this point where repentence and filthy rags are all I have to offer and there is literally no point in waiting around anymore. None. I have nothing to lose, because all the faith I can muster has only served to open my eyes to how wasteful I am with my time and how empty I am without Christ and I can't fix that without Him. All I can do is turn to Him. All I can do is ask for help. B/c I sure can't quit complacency on my own. And trusting Him is only going to bring me closer to His plans. That's all I wanted in the first place, back when I didn't have anything going for me then, either. Nothing's changed, I just allow myself to think it has.
I worship my time, and the options I have to spend my time on. I worship the idea of freedom, and relish the fact that if I really wanted to, I can pick up and leave and go anywhere. I worship my potential and the flattery of the world to tell me what my potential is.
I worship me and call it "ministry." I worship me and call it "time for God." I worship me and call it my blog, my facebook, twitter, "outreach." I worship me and call it a job that allows me to still do ministry on the side when in reality I have no freaking idea what surrender can be because I still worship myself.
Praise God for Jesus. And everything He is. Past, Present, Future. His example. His walk and His love.
Matthew 4.1-11.
Nothing to lose.
Monday, August 15, 2011
College Senior
I don't know how you'll respond to this, but it needs to be said. It's been on my heart for a while.
We've all made mistakes, right? No one's perfect. No one's better than anyone else, so from the get-go, I'm acknowledging that this letter is coming from a heart of personal experience. I don't want you to learn these lessons the way I did, so don't think, please, for one moment, that there's judgement here, ok?
But look. Can I just say... What the hell happened to you? Don't you remember when you were on fire, ON FIRE, for theLord? Don't you remember the days when you would call me out on everything in such a loving way? Don't you know that person still exists somewhere; there's a girl with blind faith in God who knows the redeeming power of Jesus Christ in such a beautiful, innocent way so WHAT HAPPENED?! Where did you go?! Where is the boldness and the fearlessness that made people turn their heads and wonder about you?
You're so beautiful. So talented. I look at you and I see one of the smartest people I've ever met. Literally. You got the brains of the family and I'm looking forward to the day when I can call you and ask you for money because you're the responsible one who will end up taking care of all of us one day. (Don't worry, I won't totally mooch off you. Just kind of :) ) But you are so rich in talent. You paint effortlessly and see beauty and art everywhere. You have a heart for those who can't help themselves and you are tender and loving towards people who others don't seem to understand. And you're so beautiful. I remember being so jealous of you because one day, you woke up taller than me - so grown up and lovely, and that never changed. You were the one that had to grow up too fast and accept life as completely unfair at an even earlier age than I did, and I wish more than anything that I could change that. I wish I could have you here with me and tell you that life turned out well, and God's hand never moved from our lives and His plans are still becoming realities, even as we speak.
So I'm led into this: don't turn away. You know right from wrong, and you have a moral compass that is not of your own making, but from your God. Don't flick Him off. Don't look at your life and all He's brought you through and say that one little guilty pleasure is worth missing the most amazing relationship of your entire life. Your life is in such a crucial place; you're about to get everything you've ever worked for, and sweetheart, you've worked so hard. You've built so much and you're abilities to lead and positively influence others are not lost on anyone. They're there and its obvious. And your talent and your capacity to just look at problems and solve them is incredible and could it be that God gave you these amazing gifts for you to completely break down walls that ordinary, everyday human beings like me are never really going to be able to breach? You're freaking off the charts and you're about to throw it away so I'm begging you, I'm BEGGING you, please wake up and remember that your God didn't die for you to just have Him when its convenient for you and to let you pick Him back up when you're done with these favorite sins that will RUIN you. They'll destroy you if you don't turn away and give it all up to your Father.
I don't get it. You were always the one telling me not to waste my time with guys who didn't love the Lord and YOU WATCHED ME break because of those mistakes and YOU WATCHED as those relationships dragged my heart over jagged rocks and I guess I just don't understand how you could sit there with front-row seats to that horror show throughout high school and college and still think you can play with that same fire. Where did that voice of reason go? You're not safe, you can't just play with the devil and come away unscathed; his games are going to leave you broken and what I don't understand is how you watched it happen - and not just to me. To your other friends and relatives and you are still there in the middle of it all. Quit lying and hiding and pushing that sin to the backburner and dealing with it later. You're not winning this one. You're settling and you're going to be stuck and the devil is laughing his head off because he will permanently cripple whatever plans God had for you in the first place. YOU ARE LETTING HIM WIN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!! DOESN'T THAT PISS YOU OFF?!!
Because it infuritates me. You're not the type to settle, and you, of all people, were not created to fail. But you are going to fail if you keep Jesus as your security blanket and continue your favorite little sins on the side. Because they're not little at all. They equate to the death your allowing to destroy your testimony, your walk, and your potential for Christ. Death is swallowing you whole and you freaking know it and you're letting it happen and I love you, I LOVE YOU too much for you to just sit away and pretend to not care.
I love you. I messed up too. And guess what? He redeemed me and God won. And now He's using my story to somehow bring Himself glory. He can do that for you too because NOTHING is beyond redemption. Nothing. It's never too late for you to give up and trust Him. It'll be raw and painful and really hard but it will be worth it. Oh, I promise Jesus is worth losing that familiarity and comfort zone for. Death is not worth it. You're not growing in Him. You should be, but you're not. You're dying away from Him, separated by this one comfortable sin you refuse to give up. So give up, please, I'm begging you to give up and come back and know the depth of your Savior's love and redemptive power. He gives better gifts than we could create or imagine for ourselves.
There's a man out there who will lead you to Christ and guard your heart and honor you and you won't be able to believe what it is you've been missing all this time; that God could create a man so perfect for you, so amazing that he is all the things you never even knew you needed.
Godly men exist. I promise.
I love you so, so much. I wrote a lot, but it's because you are so much more important to me than just an afterthought. This is all I've been wanting to say for a long time, and I hope I said it lovingly. Maybe I'm angry, but its only because there's deception lurking and I want to rip the blindfold off your eyes, but I can't be the one to do that. I can tell you how I ripped my own blindfold off and have never been the same, but you already know that.
You know that. I want you to live, not settle. Not die.
So all I can do is tell you my heart and that I love you and want you to know Him.
Good luck with everything this year.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Psalm 119:33-40
God is not silent. He gives hope right when I think there is none.
When the murkiness of my own mind begins to cloud everything He's proven to be true, He takes His words and wipes some of the dirt from my window so I can begin to see clearly that there's light outside, not a world of cobwebs where I live as a shadow.
He holds my hand when I come to Him needy, and lets me rant and rave about everything that doesn't matter. He gently places me on the ground and stands up to show me just how big He is and how small I am.
I am nothing.
He is Lord.
And then, in His majesty, He kneels down to me again, a child, and yet seeks after me to cleanse my heart of the impure motives in coming to Him.
Oh, Ellen, you want something from me? You want an answer, a distinct sign? You desire some tangible product from my bounty, so you come to me with this worshipful facade and expect me to be fooled and find you good enough to give a reward to?
Such a fool. Do you, child, still not understand who I am? Do you not understand grace? You live your life as though you need answers to survive, when really, every question has been answered for eternity through my salvation.
So I sit at the feet of this Great God as a child, humbled and in need of nothing but Him.
I find myself here now. Holding out hope in His Word, that He will speak to me through it. Through prayer, I will simply know my Jesus better, as a relationship that is grown and nurtured through intentional time spent with each other. That blind trust in Him will become more of a reality and I will accept that I don't need answers, I just need Jesus.
When the murkiness of my own mind begins to cloud everything He's proven to be true, He takes His words and wipes some of the dirt from my window so I can begin to see clearly that there's light outside, not a world of cobwebs where I live as a shadow.
He holds my hand when I come to Him needy, and lets me rant and rave about everything that doesn't matter. He gently places me on the ground and stands up to show me just how big He is and how small I am.
I am nothing.
He is Lord.
And then, in His majesty, He kneels down to me again, a child, and yet seeks after me to cleanse my heart of the impure motives in coming to Him.
Oh, Ellen, you want something from me? You want an answer, a distinct sign? You desire some tangible product from my bounty, so you come to me with this worshipful facade and expect me to be fooled and find you good enough to give a reward to?
Such a fool. Do you, child, still not understand who I am? Do you not understand grace? You live your life as though you need answers to survive, when really, every question has been answered for eternity through my salvation.
So I sit at the feet of this Great God as a child, humbled and in need of nothing but Him.
I find myself here now. Holding out hope in His Word, that He will speak to me through it. Through prayer, I will simply know my Jesus better, as a relationship that is grown and nurtured through intentional time spent with each other. That blind trust in Him will become more of a reality and I will accept that I don't need answers, I just need Jesus.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Dark World
So I'm sitting in Starbucks and it's humid. When you step outside you feel the heaviness of the air and the sweat just starts to curl your hair every which way. Though I really don't mind the curls. Don't mind the heat, I'm used to it. It's the heaviness. Like the air has a burden of its own, like the windows fog up just to give an even blurrier picture of the world.
I'm on the inside. Sitting in my Starbucks chair, journaling, lost in thought. Just had a brief conversation with Brandon where I got to laugh. Then my thoughts were caught in their heaviness again and I'm processing, running through things in my head and wondering what the world is coming to.
I went to a funeral 4 days earlier for my boss's mother. I didn't know her, though I would've liked to. But the only time I got a little choked up was when one of the daughters talked about how she thought she and her mother would be raptured to heaven together. And it struck me that the daughter was genuinely surprised her mother had died, rather than simply disappearing. I wonder if my mother will die or be raptured. I hope I'm raptured. I don't really know why I thought of that moment at the funeral home right then in Starbucks; maybe because I genuinely want Jesus to come back.
There are storm clouds and random shots of sunshine. The air conditioning causes the condensation to fog the windows and the people are blurry, except for the ones sitting in the cafe tables directly outside the store. They're smoking cigarettes and playing dominoes. Ben E. King is playing in the background. "Stand by Me." I danced to that song at a ball in West Point, NY. A long time ago. Seems like another lifetime, another world, another Ellen. I'm temporarily drifting back to the classic romantic notions I used to have of being in love and realize none of those thoughts really occupy my time anymore. Is that sad? Should I wish for the colors and the beauty again? The companionship? But really, it was all just an extrinsic show; the grandeur, and everything I wanted the love affiar to be was an illusion in the end.
Back to reality. One of the baristas is mopping the floor. Mental note to not slip as I throw my empty cup in the trash. I'm just the slightest bit cold. Safely back to my seat. I'm biting my pen and pouring my heart and soul onto the paper. My God, this is good. This is therapeutic and relieving, like a musician who sits at the piano and plays for hours, forgetting everything but the sound of the keys and the notes entwined. They don't even have to make sense, they just have to be there and he can claim them as an escape from reality. That's what writing can be, and in that moment, that's exactly what the words become. Therapy. I'm fervently writing, thinking, trying to catch my hand up to what my brain is saying and letting the last pieces fall out without having to make any sense whatsoever.
There are newspapers everywhere in Starbucks. Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Washington Post. DADT repeal. A right-wing extremist behind the Oslo attacks. Thanks, man. Lets give terrorists one more reason to hate us. A shooting in Austin. A shooting in China. The United States government standing by and allowing the country to default. Joblessness and increasingly bleak economic pictures. People call me at work and ask if we're hiring all the time. And I'm supposed to look forward to the future, to what God has planned? I wouldn't be surprised if I'm going to be alive when being a Christian in America is dangerous. This thought stops me mid-sentence and I look out the window.
I must be glaring. One of the men who was smoking has come inside and looks dead at me. "Are you alright, miss?"
Oops. Caught me.
Well sir, I'm currently sitting here wondering if the country I love and the freedoms I hold dear will exist in the next 50 years. Actually, I'm seriously doubting it. I want to one day be a mother and live out that biblical family modeled in the Bible, but wondering if it's even the best idea to bring children into the world anymore. I belong to a God who is coming again soon, but I'd be ok if it's in the next 5 minutes. People everywhere are dying and going to hell; celebrities, supposedly our role models, are OD'ing, our media is tearing apart the idea of the plutonic, biblical family, porn turns men into boys and women into sluts, extremists are committing acts of terror in the name of "god," kids are told to have sex for fun and not become emotionally involved with anyone, no one knows how to grow up and lead anymore, and our country is accepting every lie imaginable. The one truth that does exist is taboo; tolerate anything except the Bible. So no sir, things are not alright.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you. I just have a lot on my mind."
"Alright. You look like someone's out to kill you or something."
Great.
Keep journaling. Keep praying. Keep processing. The air is heavy and the entire world is in need of a Savior. Mankind is racing to the finish line as fast as they possibly can, and they'll use the technology, the cars, the politics, the sex, the drugs and alcohol, and any other shallow, unfulfilling lie to do it.
Breath, child.
There is Truth. There is a God who loved this wicked, sick world so much that He laid every perversion on His perfect Son. And that Sacrifice paid the debt for all the evil we can ever become and lives, committed to making those who believe more like Him.
Less like this dark world. It's not my home.
I'm on the inside. Sitting in my Starbucks chair, journaling, lost in thought. Just had a brief conversation with Brandon where I got to laugh. Then my thoughts were caught in their heaviness again and I'm processing, running through things in my head and wondering what the world is coming to.
I went to a funeral 4 days earlier for my boss's mother. I didn't know her, though I would've liked to. But the only time I got a little choked up was when one of the daughters talked about how she thought she and her mother would be raptured to heaven together. And it struck me that the daughter was genuinely surprised her mother had died, rather than simply disappearing. I wonder if my mother will die or be raptured. I hope I'm raptured. I don't really know why I thought of that moment at the funeral home right then in Starbucks; maybe because I genuinely want Jesus to come back.
There are storm clouds and random shots of sunshine. The air conditioning causes the condensation to fog the windows and the people are blurry, except for the ones sitting in the cafe tables directly outside the store. They're smoking cigarettes and playing dominoes. Ben E. King is playing in the background. "Stand by Me." I danced to that song at a ball in West Point, NY. A long time ago. Seems like another lifetime, another world, another Ellen. I'm temporarily drifting back to the classic romantic notions I used to have of being in love and realize none of those thoughts really occupy my time anymore. Is that sad? Should I wish for the colors and the beauty again? The companionship? But really, it was all just an extrinsic show; the grandeur, and everything I wanted the love affiar to be was an illusion in the end.
Back to reality. One of the baristas is mopping the floor. Mental note to not slip as I throw my empty cup in the trash. I'm just the slightest bit cold. Safely back to my seat. I'm biting my pen and pouring my heart and soul onto the paper. My God, this is good. This is therapeutic and relieving, like a musician who sits at the piano and plays for hours, forgetting everything but the sound of the keys and the notes entwined. They don't even have to make sense, they just have to be there and he can claim them as an escape from reality. That's what writing can be, and in that moment, that's exactly what the words become. Therapy. I'm fervently writing, thinking, trying to catch my hand up to what my brain is saying and letting the last pieces fall out without having to make any sense whatsoever.
There are newspapers everywhere in Starbucks. Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Washington Post. DADT repeal. A right-wing extremist behind the Oslo attacks. Thanks, man. Lets give terrorists one more reason to hate us. A shooting in Austin. A shooting in China. The United States government standing by and allowing the country to default. Joblessness and increasingly bleak economic pictures. People call me at work and ask if we're hiring all the time. And I'm supposed to look forward to the future, to what God has planned? I wouldn't be surprised if I'm going to be alive when being a Christian in America is dangerous. This thought stops me mid-sentence and I look out the window.
I must be glaring. One of the men who was smoking has come inside and looks dead at me. "Are you alright, miss?"
Oops. Caught me.
Well sir, I'm currently sitting here wondering if the country I love and the freedoms I hold dear will exist in the next 50 years. Actually, I'm seriously doubting it. I want to one day be a mother and live out that biblical family modeled in the Bible, but wondering if it's even the best idea to bring children into the world anymore. I belong to a God who is coming again soon, but I'd be ok if it's in the next 5 minutes. People everywhere are dying and going to hell; celebrities, supposedly our role models, are OD'ing, our media is tearing apart the idea of the plutonic, biblical family, porn turns men into boys and women into sluts, extremists are committing acts of terror in the name of "god," kids are told to have sex for fun and not become emotionally involved with anyone, no one knows how to grow up and lead anymore, and our country is accepting every lie imaginable. The one truth that does exist is taboo; tolerate anything except the Bible. So no sir, things are not alright.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you. I just have a lot on my mind."
"Alright. You look like someone's out to kill you or something."
Great.
Keep journaling. Keep praying. Keep processing. The air is heavy and the entire world is in need of a Savior. Mankind is racing to the finish line as fast as they possibly can, and they'll use the technology, the cars, the politics, the sex, the drugs and alcohol, and any other shallow, unfulfilling lie to do it.
Breath, child.
There is Truth. There is a God who loved this wicked, sick world so much that He laid every perversion on His perfect Son. And that Sacrifice paid the debt for all the evil we can ever become and lives, committed to making those who believe more like Him.
Less like this dark world. It's not my home.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Tonight
This week has been crazy, but so, so rich. Everything was guided by Him, and who I am that He would allow me to watch Him at work? Forgiveness. Healing. I don't understand it because I am incapable of both forgiving and healing on my own.
Tonight I feel ready for something huge to happen. This week, He told me "wait." Don't know for what. Wish I did. I wonder about missions, and how He'll work that out. When. What it will look like. I wonder about how long I'll be in Manassas. If I'm here for a short term or for good. I wonder about disappointing the people I respect at work; how they'll look at me when I tell them I'm leaving because God somehow opened a door for me to do ministry full time. What that will look like. The reactions. I don't worry, but as a people-pleaser, I wonder how firm I'll get in actually following through with leaving. Had an opportunity to tell my boss yesterday that I was passionate about student ministry and investing in lives. She suggested maybe getting my Masters in something religious, but still making sure I can pay my bills. I wish, sincerely, that I had told her I trust that when that door opens, He'll provide a way for the bills to get paid. But I kept my mouth shut.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Skyline Drive again. That's where the healing really began; He never stopped. I can't wait to be even more face-to-face with His beauty.
The students. The heaviness in their lives at such a young age. There's hope. You are a chosen people, held by your God. Claim His promise. I wish ... Well. I can't fix anything. I can love them and point them to the Father. The One who can fix everything.
I'm on my back porch. I got a grill for free from one of my former co-workers. It works. I cooked fish and made a salad tonight. By myself. Learned how to broil thanks to Google and lit my orange candle. Now the scent is whipping around everywhere from the breeze. My backyard is entirely green. Vibrant. I'm listening to the birds. Crickets. This place is my home, my heart, where He's allowed me to softly land after a hard run.
I wish I could describe tonight. There's so much peace in my life right now. I know that waiting will lead to an answer to something else. I know that the students are my heart, and my joy is to wake up and love them to my Savior. Because He loved me in my rebellion. I flicked Him off and He loved me. What the heck, what kind of crazy love is that? And here, He's provided all my needs. Broken my sin's curse. Placed eternity in my heart and gives me what I need to make Him famous.
What is this? How did this life happen?
Knowing Him.
Tonight I feel ready for something huge to happen. This week, He told me "wait." Don't know for what. Wish I did. I wonder about missions, and how He'll work that out. When. What it will look like. I wonder about how long I'll be in Manassas. If I'm here for a short term or for good. I wonder about disappointing the people I respect at work; how they'll look at me when I tell them I'm leaving because God somehow opened a door for me to do ministry full time. What that will look like. The reactions. I don't worry, but as a people-pleaser, I wonder how firm I'll get in actually following through with leaving. Had an opportunity to tell my boss yesterday that I was passionate about student ministry and investing in lives. She suggested maybe getting my Masters in something religious, but still making sure I can pay my bills. I wish, sincerely, that I had told her I trust that when that door opens, He'll provide a way for the bills to get paid. But I kept my mouth shut.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Skyline Drive again. That's where the healing really began; He never stopped. I can't wait to be even more face-to-face with His beauty.
The students. The heaviness in their lives at such a young age. There's hope. You are a chosen people, held by your God. Claim His promise. I wish ... Well. I can't fix anything. I can love them and point them to the Father. The One who can fix everything.
I'm on my back porch. I got a grill for free from one of my former co-workers. It works. I cooked fish and made a salad tonight. By myself. Learned how to broil thanks to Google and lit my orange candle. Now the scent is whipping around everywhere from the breeze. My backyard is entirely green. Vibrant. I'm listening to the birds. Crickets. This place is my home, my heart, where He's allowed me to softly land after a hard run.
I wish I could describe tonight. There's so much peace in my life right now. I know that waiting will lead to an answer to something else. I know that the students are my heart, and my joy is to wake up and love them to my Savior. Because He loved me in my rebellion. I flicked Him off and He loved me. What the heck, what kind of crazy love is that? And here, He's provided all my needs. Broken my sin's curse. Placed eternity in my heart and gives me what I need to make Him famous.
What is this? How did this life happen?
Knowing Him.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Last Night in Arlington
Wow.
I remember when I thought moving to Arlington would be the coolest place to just hang out for a couple years until I could move somewhere else, with plans to be with someone else, doing something else.
I remember driving into DC every day at first, thinking how phenomenal it was that I worked in the nation's capitol. I remember my first paycheck and then, the weeks that followed, when the lonliness set in and the first time I really missed a church family. Sense of community. Any type of reminder that God was out there and hadn't just left me by myself.
And I remember so many firsts after that... my first sit-down with a good friend who told me God had huge plans for my life. The first time I realized that God might possibly want me to live out a plan that could look a little different than what I had in mind. The first time I lost it at the thought of losing the grip I had on my reality. Getting angry. Tears; so frustrated that God couldn't line up His plans with mine.
And the compromises to keep things the way I wanted them only led further to me trying to find more of my own answers. I distinctly remember sitting in my car outside the townhouse, trying to map out timetables so I could still have everything work out the way I wanted. I felt like I had a suitcase that only held a limited amount of clothing, and I wanted to pack way too much of my closet into it. I only need one thing - the Jesus who saved me and gave me this incredible relationship with my Father, and I remember wanting Jesus and... I remember knowing that wanting Jesus and... was wrong, but doing it anyway. My rebellion. I remember times where I just flicked Him off and stuffed my suitcase to overflowing, struggling to shut it and never really succeeding.
And I remember the random turning points that existed along the way this past year. I remember January being the best and worst month, when I saw a glimpse of God's vision and turned my back. And through it all, I know faithfulness from a God who pursues His children. And I remember the final blow of it all, when everything crumbled despite my best efforts to keep things together. And the sweet hands that created the universe reached down and held me. A nobody. Someone who fought and fought so hard to not let Him have His way was cradled in grace and mercy, like a daughter finding the arms of her father after a nightmare.
That's the journey of Arlington. That's the story of how then became now; of how the love of Jesus became the only reality I need to know.
Humbled. That God would take this tangled life and all the thorns I choose to cling to and gently set me free from this sinful nature. Strength to choose Him every day.
And now, Manassas. The sweet beginning where I can forget about the past and with joy, look to the future. Someone was telling me yesterday about how they have their whole life planned out and I realized I was smiling. Because a year ago, just a year ago, I would've said the same thing. And now I don't know what is happening tomorrow. And I have so much peace about not knowing, so much joy in not knowing. Who would've thought?
And Lord, You know this journey, as You've been so gracious as to hold me through it all. You deserve all the glory for the peace and dreams that have been realized. You deserve every ounce of life. You gave, and You took away for Your name's sake. And You allowed me to experience this sweet desperation for You; this powerful love and affection for a Savior who first loved me. I don't even know how to say 'thank You;' who am I? Who am I that You would hold me and allow me to be kept safe for Your purpose now? That You would bring about this road and guide me here? So I'm Yours. Wholly and completely Yours. So others may know, so others will hear Your love and truth, so others will find their peace and comfort in You and fall massively in love with You. God. The stars are Yours, yet You choose to bring resurrection to Your humans here on Earth. You reached down and rescued me. Why? I don't need to know why, but the question causes me to catch my breath every time, because I am literally nothing. What is here is only a reflection of Your power and life-changing love. Redemption.
So Lord, I'm off to Manassas. I don't remember being this excited about anything before in my life. This is the journey; this is the adventure. This is why I was created. Purpose. To glorify You. All of me for You. That's all that matters, Lord.
Wow. This year literally has been life-changing in every way. God is so good.
I remember when I thought moving to Arlington would be the coolest place to just hang out for a couple years until I could move somewhere else, with plans to be with someone else, doing something else.
I remember driving into DC every day at first, thinking how phenomenal it was that I worked in the nation's capitol. I remember my first paycheck and then, the weeks that followed, when the lonliness set in and the first time I really missed a church family. Sense of community. Any type of reminder that God was out there and hadn't just left me by myself.
And I remember so many firsts after that... my first sit-down with a good friend who told me God had huge plans for my life. The first time I realized that God might possibly want me to live out a plan that could look a little different than what I had in mind. The first time I lost it at the thought of losing the grip I had on my reality. Getting angry. Tears; so frustrated that God couldn't line up His plans with mine.
And the compromises to keep things the way I wanted them only led further to me trying to find more of my own answers. I distinctly remember sitting in my car outside the townhouse, trying to map out timetables so I could still have everything work out the way I wanted. I felt like I had a suitcase that only held a limited amount of clothing, and I wanted to pack way too much of my closet into it. I only need one thing - the Jesus who saved me and gave me this incredible relationship with my Father, and I remember wanting Jesus and... I remember knowing that wanting Jesus and... was wrong, but doing it anyway. My rebellion. I remember times where I just flicked Him off and stuffed my suitcase to overflowing, struggling to shut it and never really succeeding.
And I remember the random turning points that existed along the way this past year. I remember January being the best and worst month, when I saw a glimpse of God's vision and turned my back. And through it all, I know faithfulness from a God who pursues His children. And I remember the final blow of it all, when everything crumbled despite my best efforts to keep things together. And the sweet hands that created the universe reached down and held me. A nobody. Someone who fought and fought so hard to not let Him have His way was cradled in grace and mercy, like a daughter finding the arms of her father after a nightmare.
That's the journey of Arlington. That's the story of how then became now; of how the love of Jesus became the only reality I need to know.
Humbled. That God would take this tangled life and all the thorns I choose to cling to and gently set me free from this sinful nature. Strength to choose Him every day.
And now, Manassas. The sweet beginning where I can forget about the past and with joy, look to the future. Someone was telling me yesterday about how they have their whole life planned out and I realized I was smiling. Because a year ago, just a year ago, I would've said the same thing. And now I don't know what is happening tomorrow. And I have so much peace about not knowing, so much joy in not knowing. Who would've thought?
And Lord, You know this journey, as You've been so gracious as to hold me through it all. You deserve all the glory for the peace and dreams that have been realized. You deserve every ounce of life. You gave, and You took away for Your name's sake. And You allowed me to experience this sweet desperation for You; this powerful love and affection for a Savior who first loved me. I don't even know how to say 'thank You;' who am I? Who am I that You would hold me and allow me to be kept safe for Your purpose now? That You would bring about this road and guide me here? So I'm Yours. Wholly and completely Yours. So others may know, so others will hear Your love and truth, so others will find their peace and comfort in You and fall massively in love with You. God. The stars are Yours, yet You choose to bring resurrection to Your humans here on Earth. You reached down and rescued me. Why? I don't need to know why, but the question causes me to catch my breath every time, because I am literally nothing. What is here is only a reflection of Your power and life-changing love. Redemption.
So Lord, I'm off to Manassas. I don't remember being this excited about anything before in my life. This is the journey; this is the adventure. This is why I was created. Purpose. To glorify You. All of me for You. That's all that matters, Lord.
Wow. This year literally has been life-changing in every way. God is so good.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Last minute
So its 12:32 and I can't really sleep. I have my Bebo Norman Pandora Station (get it NOW, thank me later), and a million things running through my head.
I don't really have groceries. Well, that's a lie. I have Cheerios, peanut butter and Jelly, and some rice. Maybe some extra cans of Campbells. None of that is really super healthy. I feel like I gained 20 lbs on vacation. Ran today, but need to run more. Bike more. Do something.
California - I'm still on California time. I want to disappear somewhere into Santa Barbara and just learn to surf - I can become that tattooed beach bum who gets to know the tourists and sells them random junk I find on the beach for inflated prices.
I need to do more research for work. But today was crazy, and tomorrow will be crazy, as Kiara and I are going to this DoD meeting to pitch Aurora to some folks who are trying to start a veterans clinic at Northern Virginia Community College. Kinda thrilled that Tom trusts us to do that - on the same token, kinda terrified that he trusts us to do that. He'll be in and out a lot this week, so I'll have time to research more. I hope.
And then, all I thought about today was EBC. The youth group. The college students. They are my heart and the joy I find in the Lord is a gift gained through serving them. And more and more I look at my job and wonder where this will lead me in 5 years? 10 years? Tom's already given me the Masters Degree talk, and says he sees in me a natural knack for leading and wants me to stay and grow with the company. Humbling. Sweet. Seriously, I'm so honored that my boss has that reaction, but my growth there can only be attributed to Christ wanting to keep me there for now. And I wonder more and more how He expects me to stay when all I think about are the students - their lives, their needs, and how we're all just in this together, praying for one another, keeping the accountability, bearing burdens. I do, however, firmly beleive that God will not give me more than I can handle in order to serve Him, so for now, if this is where I am with life, than God gets the credit for A. keeping me sane enough to stay employed and B. molding me into something useful to be used by Him.
He's all that matters.
The Romania trip. The college girls' small group. The youth group and the move to Manassas. Wow. That's happening this weekend. Noah - lesson for one of the Wednesday nights. Praying over it, want it to be something they need to hear.
So many people on my heart tonight. Can't sleep. Thankful for California, but ready to be home.
This is home. This is where pride is slashed by a God who replaces our walls with His hedge of protection. This is where hope rises and hearts are powerfully moved and changed. This is the edge of brokenness. This is where you don't know what hit you and suddenly everything's a whirlwind of better plans that I never thought could've been the blueprint of my life. This is where you think you have it all; you've got a good shot and no one can touch you and then you fall of the ladder. The Rock is solid and mighty and you look up into the faces of people you suddenly love like brothers and sisters. People who are broken and healed like you and there's hope.
Wow. Praise God for the wreckage. The unanswered prayers. The dreams that never came true. Praise God for a whole new beginning on His terms. Praise God for people - all types of people who are searching for truth and genuinely desire brokenness over hypocrisy. Praise God for truth. Most of all, Praise God for Jesus who came to rescue us out of this pit, so we won't live this Earthly life forever. We're free. We're whole in the God who claims us as His children.
So tonight, its 5 til 1. God reigns over my busy day. My forgotten grocery list. My last minute adjustments. My worries and plans and inadequacies. The students I care about are His, and their lives are in His hands.
Freedom. Exists to sleep and dream deeply; tie all these loose ends into an unrecognizable ending that tells itself so much clearer, purer, and richer than I ever could.
I don't really have groceries. Well, that's a lie. I have Cheerios, peanut butter and Jelly, and some rice. Maybe some extra cans of Campbells. None of that is really super healthy. I feel like I gained 20 lbs on vacation. Ran today, but need to run more. Bike more. Do something.
California - I'm still on California time. I want to disappear somewhere into Santa Barbara and just learn to surf - I can become that tattooed beach bum who gets to know the tourists and sells them random junk I find on the beach for inflated prices.
I need to do more research for work. But today was crazy, and tomorrow will be crazy, as Kiara and I are going to this DoD meeting to pitch Aurora to some folks who are trying to start a veterans clinic at Northern Virginia Community College. Kinda thrilled that Tom trusts us to do that - on the same token, kinda terrified that he trusts us to do that. He'll be in and out a lot this week, so I'll have time to research more. I hope.
And then, all I thought about today was EBC. The youth group. The college students. They are my heart and the joy I find in the Lord is a gift gained through serving them. And more and more I look at my job and wonder where this will lead me in 5 years? 10 years? Tom's already given me the Masters Degree talk, and says he sees in me a natural knack for leading and wants me to stay and grow with the company. Humbling. Sweet. Seriously, I'm so honored that my boss has that reaction, but my growth there can only be attributed to Christ wanting to keep me there for now. And I wonder more and more how He expects me to stay when all I think about are the students - their lives, their needs, and how we're all just in this together, praying for one another, keeping the accountability, bearing burdens. I do, however, firmly beleive that God will not give me more than I can handle in order to serve Him, so for now, if this is where I am with life, than God gets the credit for A. keeping me sane enough to stay employed and B. molding me into something useful to be used by Him.
He's all that matters.
The Romania trip. The college girls' small group. The youth group and the move to Manassas. Wow. That's happening this weekend. Noah - lesson for one of the Wednesday nights. Praying over it, want it to be something they need to hear.
So many people on my heart tonight. Can't sleep. Thankful for California, but ready to be home.
This is home. This is where pride is slashed by a God who replaces our walls with His hedge of protection. This is where hope rises and hearts are powerfully moved and changed. This is the edge of brokenness. This is where you don't know what hit you and suddenly everything's a whirlwind of better plans that I never thought could've been the blueprint of my life. This is where you think you have it all; you've got a good shot and no one can touch you and then you fall of the ladder. The Rock is solid and mighty and you look up into the faces of people you suddenly love like brothers and sisters. People who are broken and healed like you and there's hope.
Wow. Praise God for the wreckage. The unanswered prayers. The dreams that never came true. Praise God for a whole new beginning on His terms. Praise God for people - all types of people who are searching for truth and genuinely desire brokenness over hypocrisy. Praise God for truth. Most of all, Praise God for Jesus who came to rescue us out of this pit, so we won't live this Earthly life forever. We're free. We're whole in the God who claims us as His children.
So tonight, its 5 til 1. God reigns over my busy day. My forgotten grocery list. My last minute adjustments. My worries and plans and inadequacies. The students I care about are His, and their lives are in His hands.
Freedom. Exists to sleep and dream deeply; tie all these loose ends into an unrecognizable ending that tells itself so much clearer, purer, and richer than I ever could.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Quit Waiting
I think I've been told too many times to just "wait on God." He'll fix me if I just wait on His plan, and eventually everything will fall into place. But in the mean time, there's this gap left wide open while I'm actually doing the waiting, and evil is very busy.
And I do it all the time, but mostly as a reason to put off things that are scary or uncomfortable; if I just wait this one out, life will be a lot better eventually. Because God obviously does not want me to be uncomfortable. Sitting around doing nothing, cowering down and expecting trials to just blow over, is definitely what the Lord intended me to learn from all this...
I love the water. I love the ocean, the sea stories my Navy family would always tell, the movies about old adventures on the ocean; pretty much anything dealing with the water makes me feel right at home and happy. So when I read this section of today's devo by Oswald Chambers, I understood it and starting examining stuff:
"If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself - begin to have spiritual discernment."
And do you know why this is cool? No, not because my boss walked by this morning and saw "Utmost" lying on my desk and looked at me weird. Though that did happen. And he asked about my tattoo yesterday and said he wants to hear the story behind it. Praying for him. Anyway. Here's the message I got out of it: quit being a coward. Quit using the excuse that you feel a certain way (lost, hurt, angry, etc) to hinder whatever God's calling you to do, b/c waiting for one emotional trial to pass is a sure way of inviting another one to take its place, and before you know it, you've wasted time. And our God is fearless, so seriously, what makes me think that I was intended to be someone who waits? Use your story for the Lord. Use your life for the Lord. Accept that the future is the future and today, you are a living and breathing instrument for Christ with nothing to wait for. Nothing.
Ellen: If God wants you to be a missionary, then for now, He has you in SNVC and you are being used there, and the IMB will get around to you when God wants them to. So quit putting off mission opps at your office waiting for the IMB. Or quit putting off opps to meet up and love on students waiting for something international. Maybe the desire you have to go overseas is something the devil is using to hinder what God can do through you right here and now because you are so distracted by the WAIT. You're not paralyzed or frozen into a meaningless existance until the IMB gets back to you a few months from now.
Ellen: So you're moving to Manassas - great - but you have roommates in Arlington who are really hurting and need a friend. So what are you doing about them in the meantime? You haven't even been home before 11pm the past few days, and they need Jesus now. You are still living in Arlington for a reason; quit WAITING for things to get better when you move to Manassas because right now, your roommates still don't know Jesus.
Ellen: If God has given you a testimony, then use it and don't wait around for certain things to sting a little bit less than they do now. Get over yourself. If there's a time to be vulnerable, trust God with that time but don't wait it out. Someone may need to hear it. If you're learning how to swim in tumultuous waters, don't you think there's someone else who needs those same swimming lessons? Seriously, get over yourself and just obey.
Ellen: If God wants you to be single, then live life as a single girl for Him and quit waiting for something better to happen because a relationship with Jesus is not a means to an end. God didn't call you to Himself to hinder work He has cut out for you by marriage to the wrong person. If you are with someone, it will be a man who enables your ministry to happen in a more powerful way than you could accomplish on your own. So QUIT WAITING and just move towards Christ; RUN after Christ and if you don't collide with someone else, Jesus is all you need.
Jesus is worth the storms, He's worth all the feelings that leave you feeling low, and He's worth obeying, even if its a terrifying call or something that leaves you feeling vulnerable, open, and easily targeted. Scared. Jesus is worth it.
So Ellen, quit waiting.
And I do it all the time, but mostly as a reason to put off things that are scary or uncomfortable; if I just wait this one out, life will be a lot better eventually. Because God obviously does not want me to be uncomfortable. Sitting around doing nothing, cowering down and expecting trials to just blow over, is definitely what the Lord intended me to learn from all this...
I love the water. I love the ocean, the sea stories my Navy family would always tell, the movies about old adventures on the ocean; pretty much anything dealing with the water makes me feel right at home and happy. So when I read this section of today's devo by Oswald Chambers, I understood it and starting examining stuff:
"If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself - begin to have spiritual discernment."
And do you know why this is cool? No, not because my boss walked by this morning and saw "Utmost" lying on my desk and looked at me weird. Though that did happen. And he asked about my tattoo yesterday and said he wants to hear the story behind it. Praying for him. Anyway. Here's the message I got out of it: quit being a coward. Quit using the excuse that you feel a certain way (lost, hurt, angry, etc) to hinder whatever God's calling you to do, b/c waiting for one emotional trial to pass is a sure way of inviting another one to take its place, and before you know it, you've wasted time. And our God is fearless, so seriously, what makes me think that I was intended to be someone who waits? Use your story for the Lord. Use your life for the Lord. Accept that the future is the future and today, you are a living and breathing instrument for Christ with nothing to wait for. Nothing.
Ellen: If God wants you to be a missionary, then for now, He has you in SNVC and you are being used there, and the IMB will get around to you when God wants them to. So quit putting off mission opps at your office waiting for the IMB. Or quit putting off opps to meet up and love on students waiting for something international. Maybe the desire you have to go overseas is something the devil is using to hinder what God can do through you right here and now because you are so distracted by the WAIT. You're not paralyzed or frozen into a meaningless existance until the IMB gets back to you a few months from now.
Ellen: So you're moving to Manassas - great - but you have roommates in Arlington who are really hurting and need a friend. So what are you doing about them in the meantime? You haven't even been home before 11pm the past few days, and they need Jesus now. You are still living in Arlington for a reason; quit WAITING for things to get better when you move to Manassas because right now, your roommates still don't know Jesus.
Ellen: If God has given you a testimony, then use it and don't wait around for certain things to sting a little bit less than they do now. Get over yourself. If there's a time to be vulnerable, trust God with that time but don't wait it out. Someone may need to hear it. If you're learning how to swim in tumultuous waters, don't you think there's someone else who needs those same swimming lessons? Seriously, get over yourself and just obey.
Ellen: If God wants you to be single, then live life as a single girl for Him and quit waiting for something better to happen because a relationship with Jesus is not a means to an end. God didn't call you to Himself to hinder work He has cut out for you by marriage to the wrong person. If you are with someone, it will be a man who enables your ministry to happen in a more powerful way than you could accomplish on your own. So QUIT WAITING and just move towards Christ; RUN after Christ and if you don't collide with someone else, Jesus is all you need.
Jesus is worth the storms, He's worth all the feelings that leave you feeling low, and He's worth obeying, even if its a terrifying call or something that leaves you feeling vulnerable, open, and easily targeted. Scared. Jesus is worth it.
So Ellen, quit waiting.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Dear Sofia,
[I wrote this 2 years ago for a girl named Sofia whom I used to babysit; posted it for the students who know broken homes all too well.]
I don't know how to begin this letter.
It would help by explaining that all I can do is look into your life from the outside
I've experienced brokenness, but not as you have.
My hope came later; you need yours at such a tender age.
There's a separation between our worlds, and my own words are so incredibly insufficient to reach you.
The only thing I can offer is a truth so supernatural, no human could attempt to fulfill it.
Your mom shouldn't have left you
Your dad shouldn't still be out at 2 in the morning.
You seem too young to understand, too young to be familiar with bitterness.
But you do understand, don't you? At such a young age, there's already a reason to wonder why the world isn't fair, and you find it harder to trust those who are never supposed to hurt you.
Sofia,
I wish so much.
That you had a childhood full of beauty and innocence, the likes of which you deserved.
That you never knew the sting of a broken heart.
That you knew every minute of every day that you were massively loved, despite your parents' failure to show this.
That you didn't have reason to doubt the beauty of a family, a marriage, a home.
There were original, good intentions for you, Sofia
and
Your existence is proof that there are miracles left in this dark, wicked world.
There is a Strength that can defend you against the most monstrous insanities.
There is a Father whose love won't fail.
He won't walk out on you and leave you wondering what you did wrong.
He won't make you second guess His commitment to you.
He never breaks His promises.
His passion over you is a blanket of restoration; you'll never find it from any man or woman on earth.
Curl up with this truth tonight; let it keep you warm and serenade you
It won't ever go away because it's more powerful than
Death.
And Sofia,
It's yours.
I'm sorry this world's cruelty
Startled you awake
A nightmare in the middle of a dream
But know Love, Sofia,
know this Love created to hold you
far above life's tragedies.
They have been conquered so you can drift back to sleep.
Sweet dreams, Princess.
It would help by explaining that all I can do is look into your life from the outside
I've experienced brokenness, but not as you have.
My hope came later; you need yours at such a tender age.
There's a separation between our worlds, and my own words are so incredibly insufficient to reach you.
The only thing I can offer is a truth so supernatural, no human could attempt to fulfill it.
Your mom shouldn't have left you
Your dad shouldn't still be out at 2 in the morning.
You seem too young to understand, too young to be familiar with bitterness.
But you do understand, don't you? At such a young age, there's already a reason to wonder why the world isn't fair, and you find it harder to trust those who are never supposed to hurt you.
Sofia,
I wish so much.
That you had a childhood full of beauty and innocence, the likes of which you deserved.
That you never knew the sting of a broken heart.
That you knew every minute of every day that you were massively loved, despite your parents' failure to show this.
That you didn't have reason to doubt the beauty of a family, a marriage, a home.
There were original, good intentions for you, Sofia
and
Your existence is proof that there are miracles left in this dark, wicked world.
There is a Strength that can defend you against the most monstrous insanities.
There is a Father whose love won't fail.
He won't walk out on you and leave you wondering what you did wrong.
He won't make you second guess His commitment to you.
He never breaks His promises.
His passion over you is a blanket of restoration; you'll never find it from any man or woman on earth.
Curl up with this truth tonight; let it keep you warm and serenade you
It won't ever go away because it's more powerful than
Death.
And Sofia,
It's yours.
I'm sorry this world's cruelty
Startled you awake
A nightmare in the middle of a dream
But know Love, Sofia,
know this Love created to hold you
far above life's tragedies.
They have been conquered so you can drift back to sleep.
Sweet dreams, Princess.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
GenY/Millenial Workforce
*This entry is based off an article I read about my generation of workers: the Generation Y, or Millenial workforce. Since workforce development is something that really interests me, I thought I'd share some thoughts on how to motivate and retain the future generations of the American workforce. Article: HOW TO RECRUIT, RETAIN AND INSPIRE THE FUTURE WORKFORCE: Understanding the Class of 2011.
"This post is dedicated to the 19% of SNVC employees who are part of the GenY/Millenial generation. Relevent, because two members of the rewards team are GenY (Dustin and myself), and as I read through the article, a lot of things really resonated with me. More relevent is that SNVC is already doing several of these things, and the suggestions for how to improve rewards for Gen Y workers have been discussed in passing.
First off, the values that GenY holds as most important are transparency, engagement, reputation, and communication. Obviously, Leadership, Integrity, and Commitment can encompass the four above values easily.
When meeting with Gen Y’s to conduct this study, the writers found that the top 3 motivators were salary, work challenge, and career advancement. I’d like to just camp out here for a second, because though motivators may not necessarily be “rewards,” the better the motivators are in a company, the more likely individuals will qualify for rewards. But I think that challenging work and career advancement, even salary levels are things that my generation is led to expect from an employer. I feel like these things are definitely good motivators, as in, I want to eventually have challenging work and advance in my career and earn a decent salary, but they are not things that should be handed to new employees. They should be earned, and once earned, they should be rewarded.
The GenYs interviewed thought so, too. They valued “experience” second out of the top three rewards they might hope to earn: topping the list was Travel, then Expereince, then Products. Only 16% valued service awards, such as pens, plaques, etc. Still, 92% of North American companies still use services awards as a way of recognizing significant achievement. As the older workforce generations begin to retire and the younger workforce solidifies itself as one of the most educated, innovative workforces leading America, it is of utmost importance that the rewards given to the Millenial workers will feed their desire to continually improve. Since challenge and experience are things that are important to GenYs, it makes sense to me that using the challenges and experiences as incentives would not be redundant or cause a lack of interest; they are not predictable gifts, like service awards may seem to a GenY.
One of the suggestions from the article was to use SAAS (software as a service) to provide a rewards deck where employees could go online and pick out their reward. Perhaps, using SNVC’s model of awarding employees, they could have the option of accepting a financial award or they could find options that are of equal value. SNVC has a “time-off” option where employees can equate their monetary incentive into leave, but what other options could the money translate into as far as rewards go? How can career advancement, quality work experiences, or travel be translated into earned rewards that incentivize a younger workforce to continually improve? How can SNVC use its rewards program as a flexible entity that meets the needs of a growing GenY workforce, as well as those who are older?
A final point from this article noted that a “one-size-fits-all” solution is bound to fail. There are varying degrees of what is valued in a rewards program among employees who operate under a certain set of values, such as the multiple generations who strive towards leadership, integrity, and commitment in their work. How a 25 year old is rewarded for their integrity may look different than how a 55 year old is rewarded. A flexible program tailored for many different types of people seems to be a good starting point to begin looking for creative reward ideas."
http://snvcrewards.wordpress.com/
"This post is dedicated to the 19% of SNVC employees who are part of the GenY/Millenial generation. Relevent, because two members of the rewards team are GenY (Dustin and myself), and as I read through the article, a lot of things really resonated with me. More relevent is that SNVC is already doing several of these things, and the suggestions for how to improve rewards for Gen Y workers have been discussed in passing.
First off, the values that GenY holds as most important are transparency, engagement, reputation, and communication. Obviously, Leadership, Integrity, and Commitment can encompass the four above values easily.
When meeting with Gen Y’s to conduct this study, the writers found that the top 3 motivators were salary, work challenge, and career advancement. I’d like to just camp out here for a second, because though motivators may not necessarily be “rewards,” the better the motivators are in a company, the more likely individuals will qualify for rewards. But I think that challenging work and career advancement, even salary levels are things that my generation is led to expect from an employer. I feel like these things are definitely good motivators, as in, I want to eventually have challenging work and advance in my career and earn a decent salary, but they are not things that should be handed to new employees. They should be earned, and once earned, they should be rewarded.
The GenYs interviewed thought so, too. They valued “experience” second out of the top three rewards they might hope to earn: topping the list was Travel, then Expereince, then Products. Only 16% valued service awards, such as pens, plaques, etc. Still, 92% of North American companies still use services awards as a way of recognizing significant achievement. As the older workforce generations begin to retire and the younger workforce solidifies itself as one of the most educated, innovative workforces leading America, it is of utmost importance that the rewards given to the Millenial workers will feed their desire to continually improve. Since challenge and experience are things that are important to GenYs, it makes sense to me that using the challenges and experiences as incentives would not be redundant or cause a lack of interest; they are not predictable gifts, like service awards may seem to a GenY.
One of the suggestions from the article was to use SAAS (software as a service) to provide a rewards deck where employees could go online and pick out their reward. Perhaps, using SNVC’s model of awarding employees, they could have the option of accepting a financial award or they could find options that are of equal value. SNVC has a “time-off” option where employees can equate their monetary incentive into leave, but what other options could the money translate into as far as rewards go? How can career advancement, quality work experiences, or travel be translated into earned rewards that incentivize a younger workforce to continually improve? How can SNVC use its rewards program as a flexible entity that meets the needs of a growing GenY workforce, as well as those who are older?
A final point from this article noted that a “one-size-fits-all” solution is bound to fail. There are varying degrees of what is valued in a rewards program among employees who operate under a certain set of values, such as the multiple generations who strive towards leadership, integrity, and commitment in their work. How a 25 year old is rewarded for their integrity may look different than how a 55 year old is rewarded. A flexible program tailored for many different types of people seems to be a good starting point to begin looking for creative reward ideas."
http://snvcrewards.wordpress.com/
When He Speaks.
Yesterday was a beautiful day. It was hot and the air tasted like summer. There's nothing left behind me to see, and all the joy of going forward exists in the next several months. I'll get to actually go to California with two of my best friends, spend the summer with the youth and college students I love so much and grow closer to the family I have at EBC, as well as move to a place full of back country roads, pick-up trucks, small-town feel, and mountains. Maybe not what I envisioned; better. Something peaceful for now; just what I needed.
And in meditating on the joys of looking ahead, I was just reading in my Bible yesterday about David's looking ahead. It was full of the knowledge of where he had come from and what he would do to bring God praise. And the next Psalm, 72, is just full of anticipation of how God will vindicate and protect those who trust in Him. Full of the future and the joy of living life with a Holy God.
So I'm sitting outside yesterday, mulling over everything in my head about just how God's brought me here to this point and He spoke to me. Which is SO COOL. Because I'm starting to learn more and more how God speaks to me; its in the moments where I've been quiet before Him and humbled and in the midst of falling deeper in love with who He is as my Savior. And its like, in the middle of knowing just how desperate I am for Him to purely live, He hits me with something I needed to know. Something that stays with me and helps me through the rest of the day... In this case, I will remember this my whole life.
A long time ago, back in October, He did the same thing. I was starting to truly understand what it was to follow Christ selflessly, and was realizing there were things in my life that I was clinging to and wanted to maintain along with a relationship with Christ. I wanted my Jesus on my terms, and was really wrestling with what it meant to give that up and live fully in God. So I remember sitting in the sanctuary by myself (like I seem to have done a lot of over the past several months) and asking God the tough questions: if I give this up to you, I'll never ... get married, or have a family, or get to travel everywhere, or have success, get my masters - you name it, I thought that i would lose it if I gave up keeping God at arms' length. And He listened to all my arguing, all my tough questions. I asked Him for the answer to everything, just wanted to have some sort of control over the life that I was losing control of anyway. Clear as day, He told me to trust Him, and that all the questions I was asking about my future: "It's a surprise."
This was especially hard to hear because I'm a planner and an executer. I see something I want, and I work hard to get it. If it doesn't go the way I expected it to go, I make back-up plans and figure out a second-best option. Nothing catches me off-guard, nothing startles me, and I can always tell you the end of the story because I'm the one who made the story happen the way I wanted it to happen in the first place.
Sound selfish? A little? Yeah. This mindset has worked for me until moving to Northern Virginia; I've since watched everything gracefully fall apart. Now I'm in this dark church sanctuary, begging for answers, and I hear, "It's a surprise. Your life's work - well, you'll just be surprised at what you end up doing for Me. Maybe you'll get a masters degree, but it'll be in something I want you to have. Maybe you'll get married. Maybe you know him already, and maybe you don't; but until then, you are Mine. It's all a surprise. So quit planning and just trust me."
So since then, more and more has crumbled into a heap of ashes at the feet of Jesus to get to the point I am now: no plans, no clues, no ideas, and no hint of what could possibly be around the corner. And yesterday, I sat there thinking over this fact, that God does have me where He wants me, and I am blessed to be able to freely love Him and obey Him, and through it all, He will yet be glorified. And in the quiet moment, He spoke to me sweet words that brought more comfort than I could ever imagine: "You will know Me." Through all this, on the lonely days, on the days you have questions, on the days you think you really went wrong, and on the days that you think nothing you do brings me honor, child, you will know Me.
You will know Me. Direct - there was no question I meant Ellen Marie Baumgardner.
You will know Me. It's a promise; a guarantee. Trust it.
You will know Me. Recognize My voice; rejoice in My presence.
You will know Me. The God of the universe; uncomprehendable.
........................................................................................................................................................
The voice of God is an undeniable voice that speaks truth that can be trusted. So thankful for the words I heard yesterday, and the journey forward that will bring me closer to my sweet Savior.
And in meditating on the joys of looking ahead, I was just reading in my Bible yesterday about David's looking ahead. It was full of the knowledge of where he had come from and what he would do to bring God praise. And the next Psalm, 72, is just full of anticipation of how God will vindicate and protect those who trust in Him. Full of the future and the joy of living life with a Holy God.
So I'm sitting outside yesterday, mulling over everything in my head about just how God's brought me here to this point and He spoke to me. Which is SO COOL. Because I'm starting to learn more and more how God speaks to me; its in the moments where I've been quiet before Him and humbled and in the midst of falling deeper in love with who He is as my Savior. And its like, in the middle of knowing just how desperate I am for Him to purely live, He hits me with something I needed to know. Something that stays with me and helps me through the rest of the day... In this case, I will remember this my whole life.
A long time ago, back in October, He did the same thing. I was starting to truly understand what it was to follow Christ selflessly, and was realizing there were things in my life that I was clinging to and wanted to maintain along with a relationship with Christ. I wanted my Jesus on my terms, and was really wrestling with what it meant to give that up and live fully in God. So I remember sitting in the sanctuary by myself (like I seem to have done a lot of over the past several months) and asking God the tough questions: if I give this up to you, I'll never ... get married, or have a family, or get to travel everywhere, or have success, get my masters - you name it, I thought that i would lose it if I gave up keeping God at arms' length. And He listened to all my arguing, all my tough questions. I asked Him for the answer to everything, just wanted to have some sort of control over the life that I was losing control of anyway. Clear as day, He told me to trust Him, and that all the questions I was asking about my future: "It's a surprise."
This was especially hard to hear because I'm a planner and an executer. I see something I want, and I work hard to get it. If it doesn't go the way I expected it to go, I make back-up plans and figure out a second-best option. Nothing catches me off-guard, nothing startles me, and I can always tell you the end of the story because I'm the one who made the story happen the way I wanted it to happen in the first place.
Sound selfish? A little? Yeah. This mindset has worked for me until moving to Northern Virginia; I've since watched everything gracefully fall apart. Now I'm in this dark church sanctuary, begging for answers, and I hear, "It's a surprise. Your life's work - well, you'll just be surprised at what you end up doing for Me. Maybe you'll get a masters degree, but it'll be in something I want you to have. Maybe you'll get married. Maybe you know him already, and maybe you don't; but until then, you are Mine. It's all a surprise. So quit planning and just trust me."
So since then, more and more has crumbled into a heap of ashes at the feet of Jesus to get to the point I am now: no plans, no clues, no ideas, and no hint of what could possibly be around the corner. And yesterday, I sat there thinking over this fact, that God does have me where He wants me, and I am blessed to be able to freely love Him and obey Him, and through it all, He will yet be glorified. And in the quiet moment, He spoke to me sweet words that brought more comfort than I could ever imagine: "You will know Me." Through all this, on the lonely days, on the days you have questions, on the days you think you really went wrong, and on the days that you think nothing you do brings me honor, child, you will know Me.
You will know Me. Direct - there was no question I meant Ellen Marie Baumgardner.
You will know Me. It's a promise; a guarantee. Trust it.
You will know Me. Recognize My voice; rejoice in My presence.
You will know Me. The God of the universe; uncomprehendable.
........................................................................................................................................................
The voice of God is an undeniable voice that speaks truth that can be trusted. So thankful for the words I heard yesterday, and the journey forward that will bring me closer to my sweet Savior.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
My First Hair-Dying Experience
I've never done this before. I have an hour to kill. Spur of the moment. Just walk in.
So I go into the Salon yesterday and its this awesome guy who I'm pretty sure was a flaming homosexual yet happened to be wonderful at dying hair. And he looks at me and goes "So girl, what's it gonna be todaaay?" And I pull out this picture and in my head, I'm running through all the things Kiara's told me to ask for in hair dye, trying to wrap my head around the fact that for the first time in my entire life I'm going to dye my hair.
Dark Brown/Auburn. And its going to be good. Kiara said that color would make my eyes pop, and to make sure I ask for just a little red b/c apparently too much will just make it all look wrong. Then wait, all of a sudden I've got eyebrows to worry about and what if they don't match my new hair color holy crap im going to have to dye them too and if i dont i'll be the freak with weird eyebrows and too-red dark hair.
Memories. stabbing me. Talked about dying my hair before but never followed through with it. The curls, the smiles, the "what-ifs," the possibilities that used to exist and never came to fruition, riding in the car with the windows down feeling so happy and light like nothing would ever shatter. Nothing could go wrong. Then out of nowhere I'm stripped of the security I thought I had and the flattery and the deceit slam into me like a ton of bricks and suddenly I just want to dye my hair anything and be totally new, something different and unrecognizable. I was doing fine. When did I get here?
Kenny's saying something and I snap back. He's holding up different colors and telling me which will make my eyes pop. Which go well with my skin tone, and not to worry, he's done this for 14 years and knows what he's doing. Deep breaths, just let Kenny tell you what looks best and quit worrying. Jump, don't think just jump. Just go.
So I pick a color. Kenny's "very pleased" with my decision and starts mixing the colors and washing my hair and I close my eyes and try to focus on eveything new in life. Every new start. The reasons for the new starts are like rays of sunshine peeking through my clouds today. I wonder what else is out there; its a big ol' world, ya know. Kenny's talking about California; I guess I told him I was going there soon and he's suddenly filling my head with places to go, things to see, mountains to climb, etc.
The dye's in. I'm getting a sweet little head massage simultaneously.
"So, why did you want to dye your hair?" Mmmm. Loaded question, Kenny.
"I just needed a change."
"Why did you need a change?" You don't quit, do ya Kenny?
So I start rambling about moving and graduating from college a year ago and getting a job up here and getting settled in... he's buying it...
"You want a change from all that? Those sound like good things." Dude. You're killing me. So fine, I'll become that girl who tells her life's tragedies to her hairstylist. I can totally do that.
"I just went through this break up. So I figured I'd dye my hair. I always wanted to, and now I just kinda feel like, 'why not,' ya know?"
"Oooooooh, and there it is.. Girl. I gotcha. I totally get it."
No, Kenny. You don't. But thanks for playing.
So the red of the dye hits my skin and it starts to stain my forehead and looks a bit like blood. Not cool. This was supposed to just be a quick little salon visit, not Ellen's vampire transformation. Next thing I know, I'll have fangs. Maybe I'm just too pale. Maybe I need to seriously hit the beach this weekend. I should work out more before I do that. I should run more, but wait I don't have time for anything and I feel like I'm in this race against time, where one day I'll be morbidly obese because I decided at 23 to keep myself busy 24/7 and not exercise. Spiralling into this. Losing control, and now there's red on my face and I can't get it off and the insecurities are slamming me again and I'm gripping for something that's not there - something I thought was there all along but never really existed in the first place...
Wow. Low. Feeling like the control is all gone, like the safety of someone else is all gone, like my world is cracked open and bleeding there's no tourniquet in sight. My God, I'm not even asking to be healed, I just want a little relief for a while.
So its done. I go back to get my hair washed again and Kenny gently removes all the red stains from my face. He rinses it out and from the corner of my eye, he's smiling. Actually, smiling is an understatement. That man has "happy" written all over his face.
"I love it." He didn't even sound like he was trying to flatter me; he just genuinely sounded like an artist who was pleased with his work.
Still haven't seen the finished product. He blow-drys my hair and styles it and I look in the mirror. It's a deep brown with hints of auburn throughout, and my eyebrows look completely natural with it, and my eyes are blue and I feel ... peaceful. New.
I love it, too.
So I go into the Salon yesterday and its this awesome guy who I'm pretty sure was a flaming homosexual yet happened to be wonderful at dying hair. And he looks at me and goes "So girl, what's it gonna be todaaay?" And I pull out this picture and in my head, I'm running through all the things Kiara's told me to ask for in hair dye, trying to wrap my head around the fact that for the first time in my entire life I'm going to dye my hair.
Dark Brown/Auburn. And its going to be good. Kiara said that color would make my eyes pop, and to make sure I ask for just a little red b/c apparently too much will just make it all look wrong. Then wait, all of a sudden I've got eyebrows to worry about and what if they don't match my new hair color holy crap im going to have to dye them too and if i dont i'll be the freak with weird eyebrows and too-red dark hair.
Memories. stabbing me. Talked about dying my hair before but never followed through with it. The curls, the smiles, the "what-ifs," the possibilities that used to exist and never came to fruition, riding in the car with the windows down feeling so happy and light like nothing would ever shatter. Nothing could go wrong. Then out of nowhere I'm stripped of the security I thought I had and the flattery and the deceit slam into me like a ton of bricks and suddenly I just want to dye my hair anything and be totally new, something different and unrecognizable. I was doing fine. When did I get here?
Kenny's saying something and I snap back. He's holding up different colors and telling me which will make my eyes pop. Which go well with my skin tone, and not to worry, he's done this for 14 years and knows what he's doing. Deep breaths, just let Kenny tell you what looks best and quit worrying. Jump, don't think just jump. Just go.
So I pick a color. Kenny's "very pleased" with my decision and starts mixing the colors and washing my hair and I close my eyes and try to focus on eveything new in life. Every new start. The reasons for the new starts are like rays of sunshine peeking through my clouds today. I wonder what else is out there; its a big ol' world, ya know. Kenny's talking about California; I guess I told him I was going there soon and he's suddenly filling my head with places to go, things to see, mountains to climb, etc.
The dye's in. I'm getting a sweet little head massage simultaneously.
"So, why did you want to dye your hair?" Mmmm. Loaded question, Kenny.
"I just needed a change."
"Why did you need a change?" You don't quit, do ya Kenny?
So I start rambling about moving and graduating from college a year ago and getting a job up here and getting settled in... he's buying it...
"You want a change from all that? Those sound like good things." Dude. You're killing me. So fine, I'll become that girl who tells her life's tragedies to her hairstylist. I can totally do that.
"I just went through this break up. So I figured I'd dye my hair. I always wanted to, and now I just kinda feel like, 'why not,' ya know?"
"Oooooooh, and there it is.. Girl. I gotcha. I totally get it."
No, Kenny. You don't. But thanks for playing.
So the red of the dye hits my skin and it starts to stain my forehead and looks a bit like blood. Not cool. This was supposed to just be a quick little salon visit, not Ellen's vampire transformation. Next thing I know, I'll have fangs. Maybe I'm just too pale. Maybe I need to seriously hit the beach this weekend. I should work out more before I do that. I should run more, but wait I don't have time for anything and I feel like I'm in this race against time, where one day I'll be morbidly obese because I decided at 23 to keep myself busy 24/7 and not exercise. Spiralling into this. Losing control, and now there's red on my face and I can't get it off and the insecurities are slamming me again and I'm gripping for something that's not there - something I thought was there all along but never really existed in the first place...
Wow. Low. Feeling like the control is all gone, like the safety of someone else is all gone, like my world is cracked open and bleeding there's no tourniquet in sight. My God, I'm not even asking to be healed, I just want a little relief for a while.
So its done. I go back to get my hair washed again and Kenny gently removes all the red stains from my face. He rinses it out and from the corner of my eye, he's smiling. Actually, smiling is an understatement. That man has "happy" written all over his face.
"I love it." He didn't even sound like he was trying to flatter me; he just genuinely sounded like an artist who was pleased with his work.
Still haven't seen the finished product. He blow-drys my hair and styles it and I look in the mirror. It's a deep brown with hints of auburn throughout, and my eyebrows look completely natural with it, and my eyes are blue and I feel ... peaceful. New.
I love it, too.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
In the Quiet
Quiet Morning in the office. its 7:58 and getting here early definitely has its advantages. I can clear my head and just mentally prepare for the day, like I did a long time ago with the moment of silence we used to have in school.
So much is happening. The Lord invites me into His presence every morning when I read the Psalms, and the time I get to spend with Him is precious.
I remember the days when I dreaded getting out of bed because all I was met with all day long was helplessness. When it felt like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and the only thing I could feel was lonely. I remember being so desperate for something inviting and familiar, thinking I'd wasted chances yet knowing that being filled with the Lord was needed. Being surrendered and near to Him wasn't something I'd actually done in a long time. And now, a year later, its like night and day. Like I can't imagine waking up without praising Him, without unbridled joy and gratitude and humility towards this Savior who demands my life only to fill me every day with Himself.
Who am I?
How did I wake up to be this changed person?
When God speaks to me in the quiet of the morning, or when I escape to the mountains and breathe in His beauty, there's abundant clarity and pointed conviction and deep salvation. I've fallen back in love with my Savior, and nothing can compare to that. There's joy in having prayers answered that don't go the way I want them to. I know for a fact my prayer has always been to draw closer to the Lord, but I wanted that relationship on my terms, with things that I was not willing to give up to Him. Things I cherished too much that, in His mercy, He was willing to rip away from me to answer my prayer and draw me closer...
Who am I?
Leaves me so humbled, so thankful. Beyond words.
Can't wait for this journey to keep going. Can't wait to see what the Lord has. There is no joy like belonging to Jesus and knowing that in being made more like Him, He is glorified and I am fulfilled. What perfection.
So much is happening. The Lord invites me into His presence every morning when I read the Psalms, and the time I get to spend with Him is precious.
I remember the days when I dreaded getting out of bed because all I was met with all day long was helplessness. When it felt like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and the only thing I could feel was lonely. I remember being so desperate for something inviting and familiar, thinking I'd wasted chances yet knowing that being filled with the Lord was needed. Being surrendered and near to Him wasn't something I'd actually done in a long time. And now, a year later, its like night and day. Like I can't imagine waking up without praising Him, without unbridled joy and gratitude and humility towards this Savior who demands my life only to fill me every day with Himself.
Who am I?
How did I wake up to be this changed person?
When God speaks to me in the quiet of the morning, or when I escape to the mountains and breathe in His beauty, there's abundant clarity and pointed conviction and deep salvation. I've fallen back in love with my Savior, and nothing can compare to that. There's joy in having prayers answered that don't go the way I want them to. I know for a fact my prayer has always been to draw closer to the Lord, but I wanted that relationship on my terms, with things that I was not willing to give up to Him. Things I cherished too much that, in His mercy, He was willing to rip away from me to answer my prayer and draw me closer...
Who am I?
Leaves me so humbled, so thankful. Beyond words.
Can't wait for this journey to keep going. Can't wait to see what the Lord has. There is no joy like belonging to Jesus and knowing that in being made more like Him, He is glorified and I am fulfilled. What perfection.
Monday, May 23, 2011
DC Day in a Life
Exhausted. Fell asleep at 1 am, and woke up at 2 then 5 then finally at 6 for work. Traffic on 66 was a mess. They shut the whole interstate down and made the cars take the exit ramps around until the construction was over. Then on top of that, there was an accident, though the girl in the car looked pretty terrified. I would've too; it was pretty dark last night.
There's a severe thunderstorm warning today until 6 pm. I got to work today only to discover I'd left my laptop at home, so had to go with traffic back up to Arlington to pick it up. Made me an hour late for work; I'll be here til 5 today. It hasn't been a bad day, just full of things that aren't exactly pleasant. Traffic, sleepiness. Horrible news about the tornado in Joplin, Missouri. Made even worse by the fact that the media is concerned about covering the president drinking Guiness in Ireland to celebrate his heritage. I don't know why that infuriated me so much today, but it really did. Saw red. Need to get a grip. Also need to stop typing in sentence fragments; my sentences need subjects and predicates. I blame technology for making my use of words become lazy & gramatically incorrect.
I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I need to finish reading "Drive," as well as some case studies about motivation. No one's in the office today; a lot of people are going to be on vacation in the coming weeks, and the big meetings are mainly out of the way for the time being. I feel like I can breath a little and just spend time doing solid research. Yes, that gets me excited about my job.
So this market analysis I'm working on is pretty basic with the STEP model (Social, Technological, Economical, and Political factors), but its real life and it dissects Obama's budget proposals (I'll also go through what Congress actually passed to fund the remainder of FY11) and looks at the departments/agencies that continued to recieve funding and why. The "why" is a big deal because that's where we (SNVC) come in, so if FEMA received increased funding (which you can be sure it did, and will continue to be well funding considering the natural disasters that don't seem to let up) you can bet they'll be in need of the best GIS capabilities, as well as better ways to share information more efficiently. SharePoint, etc.
The last solid budget analysis was done by SNVC before Obama was elected in 2007; the housing market was still in tact (as far as we knew) and the main thought would be that immigration and the war on terror would take precedent. We've seen a dramatic decrease in funding to the DoD for the immediate war effort, (not necessarily including defense discretionary that went in last year, but the decrease in troops leads to the conclusion that if more discretionary money is spent in the DoD direction, it will not be as large a sum as Gates received in 2010) but likely an increase towards peacekeeping operations (so in other words, the Army and the Marines may not get as much, but the Navy with their carriers and other battleships that send the message of "quiet intimidation" will likely receive funding) so jump into Naval technologies. Air Force - maybe. I honestly don't know much about the Air Force operations, as we mainly deal with Army.
But the economy bottomed out and the man or woman who wins the White House in 2012 will be the one who can successfully convince America that their plan to create jobs in the PRIVATE SECTOR will work. We saw the government try to create jobs within the federal arena and though it was successful in a way that bureaucracy is successful in giving people confidence, federal workers still need to be paid by taxpayer dollars. And the real genius that spurs the economic growth engine of America is found in its small businesses. So the President will reach out the private sector. Candidates will reach out to the private sector to try to get them interested in tax breaks for businesses, as well as policies for reducing government oversight and redtape to make it seem like starting a business in America is a breeze (which, by the way, its not).
So long story short, I get to do the lions share of the research to figure out where the government is reaching out and how our company can best fit into this puzzle. B/c a government contractor is still only as successful as its government clients, and in the end, its the same tax dollars paying us, too.
Long-winded entry, but still, all different angles that I find interesting. Also found out that one of the internship programs I thought would work out is not going to be successful for a few reasons. Kind of disappointing.
I'm not having a bad day; I wouldn't even call it an "off" day. Everythign still feels very salvagable. I cancelled plans tonight so I can make up these hours, and its so dark outside anyway, I'm kind of in the mood to just curl up and read. With coffee. OOOOH and carrot cake. And orange flowers somewhere on the table, I'm sure :)
I really just want to laugh right now. I want to get into a conversation full of that sarcastic, ridiculous humor that you never see coming and you can't help but crack a smile. I want to see old friends I haven't seen in a long time and just get to know them and love them all over again.
Away from Washington. That would be really nice today.
There's a severe thunderstorm warning today until 6 pm. I got to work today only to discover I'd left my laptop at home, so had to go with traffic back up to Arlington to pick it up. Made me an hour late for work; I'll be here til 5 today. It hasn't been a bad day, just full of things that aren't exactly pleasant. Traffic, sleepiness. Horrible news about the tornado in Joplin, Missouri. Made even worse by the fact that the media is concerned about covering the president drinking Guiness in Ireland to celebrate his heritage. I don't know why that infuriated me so much today, but it really did. Saw red. Need to get a grip. Also need to stop typing in sentence fragments; my sentences need subjects and predicates. I blame technology for making my use of words become lazy & gramatically incorrect.
I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I need to finish reading "Drive," as well as some case studies about motivation. No one's in the office today; a lot of people are going to be on vacation in the coming weeks, and the big meetings are mainly out of the way for the time being. I feel like I can breath a little and just spend time doing solid research. Yes, that gets me excited about my job.
So this market analysis I'm working on is pretty basic with the STEP model (Social, Technological, Economical, and Political factors), but its real life and it dissects Obama's budget proposals (I'll also go through what Congress actually passed to fund the remainder of FY11) and looks at the departments/agencies that continued to recieve funding and why. The "why" is a big deal because that's where we (SNVC) come in, so if FEMA received increased funding (which you can be sure it did, and will continue to be well funding considering the natural disasters that don't seem to let up) you can bet they'll be in need of the best GIS capabilities, as well as better ways to share information more efficiently. SharePoint, etc.
The last solid budget analysis was done by SNVC before Obama was elected in 2007; the housing market was still in tact (as far as we knew) and the main thought would be that immigration and the war on terror would take precedent. We've seen a dramatic decrease in funding to the DoD for the immediate war effort, (not necessarily including defense discretionary that went in last year, but the decrease in troops leads to the conclusion that if more discretionary money is spent in the DoD direction, it will not be as large a sum as Gates received in 2010) but likely an increase towards peacekeeping operations (so in other words, the Army and the Marines may not get as much, but the Navy with their carriers and other battleships that send the message of "quiet intimidation" will likely receive funding) so jump into Naval technologies. Air Force - maybe. I honestly don't know much about the Air Force operations, as we mainly deal with Army.
But the economy bottomed out and the man or woman who wins the White House in 2012 will be the one who can successfully convince America that their plan to create jobs in the PRIVATE SECTOR will work. We saw the government try to create jobs within the federal arena and though it was successful in a way that bureaucracy is successful in giving people confidence, federal workers still need to be paid by taxpayer dollars. And the real genius that spurs the economic growth engine of America is found in its small businesses. So the President will reach out the private sector. Candidates will reach out to the private sector to try to get them interested in tax breaks for businesses, as well as policies for reducing government oversight and redtape to make it seem like starting a business in America is a breeze (which, by the way, its not).
So long story short, I get to do the lions share of the research to figure out where the government is reaching out and how our company can best fit into this puzzle. B/c a government contractor is still only as successful as its government clients, and in the end, its the same tax dollars paying us, too.
Long-winded entry, but still, all different angles that I find interesting. Also found out that one of the internship programs I thought would work out is not going to be successful for a few reasons. Kind of disappointing.
I'm not having a bad day; I wouldn't even call it an "off" day. Everythign still feels very salvagable. I cancelled plans tonight so I can make up these hours, and its so dark outside anyway, I'm kind of in the mood to just curl up and read. With coffee. OOOOH and carrot cake. And orange flowers somewhere on the table, I'm sure :)
I really just want to laugh right now. I want to get into a conversation full of that sarcastic, ridiculous humor that you never see coming and you can't help but crack a smile. I want to see old friends I haven't seen in a long time and just get to know them and love them all over again.
Away from Washington. That would be really nice today.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
You should know.
My Child,
I want you to know that I knew exactly what I was doing when I let them nail me there. I knew all the wrongs you would ever commit, and I knew what you thought you'd be able to get away with before you finally understood why I hung on a cross.
I know I could've walked away from it, and I know I didn't deserve to be treated that way. But I wanted you more. So much more than I didn't want to be in pain, I wanted you to one day look at me on this cross, dying so your sins would be forgiven by God, and know that I did not have to do this, but I wanted to.
I love you that much. I believe in the plan of your life through me THAT MUCH that I refused to get off the cross and leave you to a life bound for death. I wanted you back more than I didn't want to suffer. Don't you get that? Can't you open your eyes and see that I wouldn't have died to let you live a mediocre life, and when you go through trials of many kinds, I died so your peace and your hope could be found in a God who loves you more than I ever wanted to live without you.
Child, your tears are real and your pain is real and I know you feel worthless right now; like nothing you do will ever be good enough and that you've failed in so many ways. I know that. And I died so I could take those failures upon myself and redeem them, child, understand that I live so you, too, can LIVE. I conquered the death you deserved so I could give you something better, as my Father originally intended. I live so you can be mine and only mine, held in the palm of my hand in the storm, and I live so I can be your Rock and the strength of your heart and your portion forever, so I can protect you from being overwhelmed and overtaken by this life.
Don't you know that even if only one person out of the entire human race had turned to me and trusted the life I offer, filled with forgiveness and overwhelming, faithful love - that alone, to me, is worth dying for. I know that I satisfy you because I created you solely to be satisfied by me. I believe in you and Me together so much so that I died for us to have this relationship; for you to turn to me and follow me and die to yourself and all the desires that tricked you into misery before - I died so you could live free of those and walking close to me. Letting me guide your life closer to my Father and to the things He desires for you; all good things so His name will be praised throughout the world and you will, in turn, have Me, child. I died so you could have my life, my walk with the Father, fulfillment, satisfaction, and love.
So child, you feel these things now and you are broken because of it all. I understand the gravity of feelings, but I am truth and feelings can never be trusted. I believe in you and Me so much that I stayed on that cross and paid for your sins so we could be together forever, not separated because you "feel" like you don't deserve me. YOU ARE MINE. I rejoice over you choosing to follow me and trust me because the PLAN for your life is so much more than you could ever imagine! And you'll grow closer to Me and my Father and He'll make your life into a reflection of His glory.
A reflection, child. That requires a mirror image. Do you know how they make glass? Through tiny grains of sand. Through shambles. Shards. Dust. Nothing. I make your life into that mirror, despite your brokenness I'll make you my mirror.
When I died, I was thinking of how amazing it would be if you repented and trusted me. You did, and I'm holding you, and nothing gives me more joy than to hold my children. There's joy in heaven tonight, child, because you are mine.
I knew what I was doing.
I want you to know that I knew exactly what I was doing when I let them nail me there. I knew all the wrongs you would ever commit, and I knew what you thought you'd be able to get away with before you finally understood why I hung on a cross.
I know I could've walked away from it, and I know I didn't deserve to be treated that way. But I wanted you more. So much more than I didn't want to be in pain, I wanted you to one day look at me on this cross, dying so your sins would be forgiven by God, and know that I did not have to do this, but I wanted to.
I love you that much. I believe in the plan of your life through me THAT MUCH that I refused to get off the cross and leave you to a life bound for death. I wanted you back more than I didn't want to suffer. Don't you get that? Can't you open your eyes and see that I wouldn't have died to let you live a mediocre life, and when you go through trials of many kinds, I died so your peace and your hope could be found in a God who loves you more than I ever wanted to live without you.
Child, your tears are real and your pain is real and I know you feel worthless right now; like nothing you do will ever be good enough and that you've failed in so many ways. I know that. And I died so I could take those failures upon myself and redeem them, child, understand that I live so you, too, can LIVE. I conquered the death you deserved so I could give you something better, as my Father originally intended. I live so you can be mine and only mine, held in the palm of my hand in the storm, and I live so I can be your Rock and the strength of your heart and your portion forever, so I can protect you from being overwhelmed and overtaken by this life.
Don't you know that even if only one person out of the entire human race had turned to me and trusted the life I offer, filled with forgiveness and overwhelming, faithful love - that alone, to me, is worth dying for. I know that I satisfy you because I created you solely to be satisfied by me. I believe in you and Me together so much so that I died for us to have this relationship; for you to turn to me and follow me and die to yourself and all the desires that tricked you into misery before - I died so you could live free of those and walking close to me. Letting me guide your life closer to my Father and to the things He desires for you; all good things so His name will be praised throughout the world and you will, in turn, have Me, child. I died so you could have my life, my walk with the Father, fulfillment, satisfaction, and love.
So child, you feel these things now and you are broken because of it all. I understand the gravity of feelings, but I am truth and feelings can never be trusted. I believe in you and Me so much that I stayed on that cross and paid for your sins so we could be together forever, not separated because you "feel" like you don't deserve me. YOU ARE MINE. I rejoice over you choosing to follow me and trust me because the PLAN for your life is so much more than you could ever imagine! And you'll grow closer to Me and my Father and He'll make your life into a reflection of His glory.
A reflection, child. That requires a mirror image. Do you know how they make glass? Through tiny grains of sand. Through shambles. Shards. Dust. Nothing. I make your life into that mirror, despite your brokenness I'll make you my mirror.
When I died, I was thinking of how amazing it would be if you repented and trusted me. You did, and I'm holding you, and nothing gives me more joy than to hold my children. There's joy in heaven tonight, child, because you are mine.
I knew what I was doing.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Immensely Enjoy & Mega-Loathe List
(Started this list on facebook my freshman year of college - its still not done :)
i have decided to make a list of things i enjoy immensely [not love but like a lot], and things i mega-loathe [again, not hate, but almost].
enjoy immensely:
chinese day in the commons.
Skyline Drive
my favorite blue bandana [as modeled in my profile picture.]
lions bridge at sunset.
concerts involving crazy rock bands and crazy rock band fans.
being tan.
my old, beat-up coca-cola flu-mug.
being blessed with a mechanical pencil that never [and i mean NEVER] runs out of lead.
muffin days.
the color orange.
the eupohoria i experience from riding my bike 90 000 000 mph down this huge incline on riverside drive.
realizing im watching an episode of "scrubs" ive never seen before.
the cool pictures i can take using my mac.
snuggling under covers that keep me warm at night.
falling down into a squishy, comfortable sofa.
genuinely good, honest, heartfelt lyrics that make a song amazing.
clearance racks at target.
finding money in the most unlikely places.
the thought of nashville.
Warm, thoughtful, brutally honest, genuine conversations
my home-made superman shirt.
chips and salsa.
BBC News.
Peter Pan Honey-Roasted Crunchy peanut butter
the original oreo sandwich cookies.
going inside and warming up after a cold day
music kicks, where, for weeks at a time, i can't get enough of a certain band/genre
the satisfaction of a good run
Old Spice Deodorant
learning about completely different ways of life
writing and receiving hand-written letters
the thrilling moment right before you know you're going to see someone you love who you haven't seen in so long
boat rides
Annapolis
the batting range.
blogging whenever I want.
half-marathons
Seeing everything green because spring is finally here
mega loathe:
invaded quiet-time.
not being able to get someone out of you head when that someone doesn't even know you exist.
missed opportunities to know people better.
being asked a question I don't know the answer to.
last minute changes
procrastination
the knowledge that you let too much time/distance lapse between a friendship and having to accept you're not as close to someone as you once were.
being bored.
DC traffic
complaining. especially when the complainer is an older, mature professional.
the smell of goats. blech.
vaccuuming at the gym.
cussing at completely random, unnecessary times.
losing things right when i really need them.
losing tetris.
laundry.
eight o'clock classes.
waking up and finding my bike has been stolen.
chapped lips.
uncharged ipod.
the fear that one day, my mechanical pencil may actually run out of lead.
not being able to breathe through my nose.
missing breakfast.
people who can't sing, shouldn't. i dont care if you can play guitar; letsomeone else do the singing. please.
my broken dorm phone.
the song "tik-tok."
Jefferson Ave, Warwick Blvd, and/or Route 17 traffic.
Katie Holmes.
popped collars.
getting burned by hot grease from fryers at the country club.
12 year old white boys trying to act gangster.
misquito bites.
delays at the airport.
being late for anything.
getting lost anywhere.
icy roads.
cold weather in general
last minute change in plans
i have decided to make a list of things i enjoy immensely [not love but like a lot], and things i mega-loathe [again, not hate, but almost].
enjoy immensely:
chinese day in the commons.
Skyline Drive
my favorite blue bandana [as modeled in my profile picture.]
lions bridge at sunset.
concerts involving crazy rock bands and crazy rock band fans.
being tan.
my old, beat-up coca-cola flu-mug.
being blessed with a mechanical pencil that never [and i mean NEVER] runs out of lead.
muffin days.
the color orange.
the eupohoria i experience from riding my bike 90 000 000 mph down this huge incline on riverside drive.
realizing im watching an episode of "scrubs" ive never seen before.
the cool pictures i can take using my mac.
snuggling under covers that keep me warm at night.
falling down into a squishy, comfortable sofa.
genuinely good, honest, heartfelt lyrics that make a song amazing.
clearance racks at target.
finding money in the most unlikely places.
the thought of nashville.
Warm, thoughtful, brutally honest, genuine conversations
my home-made superman shirt.
chips and salsa.
BBC News.
Peter Pan Honey-Roasted Crunchy peanut butter
the original oreo sandwich cookies.
going inside and warming up after a cold day
music kicks, where, for weeks at a time, i can't get enough of a certain band/genre
the satisfaction of a good run
Old Spice Deodorant
learning about completely different ways of life
writing and receiving hand-written letters
the thrilling moment right before you know you're going to see someone you love who you haven't seen in so long
boat rides
Annapolis
the batting range.
blogging whenever I want.
half-marathons
Seeing everything green because spring is finally here
mega loathe:
invaded quiet-time.
not being able to get someone out of you head when that someone doesn't even know you exist.
missed opportunities to know people better.
being asked a question I don't know the answer to.
last minute changes
procrastination
the knowledge that you let too much time/distance lapse between a friendship and having to accept you're not as close to someone as you once were.
being bored.
DC traffic
complaining. especially when the complainer is an older, mature professional.
the smell of goats. blech.
vaccuuming at the gym.
cussing at completely random, unnecessary times.
losing things right when i really need them.
losing tetris.
laundry.
eight o'clock classes.
waking up and finding my bike has been stolen.
chapped lips.
uncharged ipod.
the fear that one day, my mechanical pencil may actually run out of lead.
not being able to breathe through my nose.
missing breakfast.
people who can't sing, shouldn't. i dont care if you can play guitar; letsomeone else do the singing. please.
my broken dorm phone.
the song "tik-tok."
Jefferson Ave, Warwick Blvd, and/or Route 17 traffic.
Katie Holmes.
popped collars.
getting burned by hot grease from fryers at the country club.
12 year old white boys trying to act gangster.
misquito bites.
delays at the airport.
being late for anything.
getting lost anywhere.
icy roads.
cold weather in general
last minute change in plans
Monday, May 16, 2011
How Being Alive Feels
I feel very free, like I get to be the girl in a song who heals, or rejoices or screams at the top of my lungs or falls in love. Lucky, right? Feels there's overwhelming joy coming through to me unexpectedly, like its jumping out at me from right around the corner. Startling. I can laugh in delight at this surprise and the peace that follows. The anticipation is a fire and I'm smoldering now, ready for more, needing more, craving more life like its my purpose to do so; much more than to merely exist.
I feel like its honest. If I'm bleeding, just bleed because I know I made mistakes; or acknowledge that life isn't always fair and move on. Mourn. Wear black until the sunshine makes it unbearable, but pull no punches. Have the nightmares and wake up to truth. Cling to truth desparately, like its all I have. It is all I have. Stand up for right, regardless of being alone.
Dream. And dream richly, so my soul is fulfilled and I don't need the material wealth of the world to satisfy me. Find joy in simplicity and hold onto faith, hope, and love. Submit to that higher power because I'm not going to win. Quit fighting and accept forgiveness and redemption. Then find the river and wash myself until I'm clean and live free. Heal. Hold on. Cling. Press on further in the freedom of that River and the beauty all around me in the middle of nowhere.
Be free. Be complete. Kick off my shoes and stay in the company of people who won't judge me; they all know the River just as well. Smile at them and see in their souls that they are just as grateful for the cold, clear, crisp, powerful water that dissovlved their stains. Let them take my hands and give me food and drink, and meditate on the fact that in that moment, I have everything I'll ever need and I am the richest one in the world.
And love; Sweet. Its like love is waiting out there somewhere and the more broken I become, the more magnificent the love will seem when its found. I'll be pieced back together by the Potter's hands, but in your love for Him you'll see how He healed my life and rejoice with me over such a miracle. We'll rejoice over you, as well. If love had a color, it would be white and glowing because of its purity and power. You'd steal my attention completely, love. You'd be a soft place to land and we'd be comfort to each other. We wouldn't withhold life from one another, but give it freely. We'd dream together and build together. We'd laugh outrageously at the secrets only you and I knew, and we'd be the best of friends and lovers. We'd hold hands and shyly catch each others' eye from across the room and escape together to a place wrapped in beauty. We'd swim in the ocean and find the waves and hold onto each other when the wind became too powerful and enjoy the sun on the sand during peaceful weather. Peace. Perfect. Hold onto that and don't let it go. Its a gift, just like love. We'll have it all, won't we? One day our world will be electric with love and we'll marvel at how God brought us together to this ocean; so rich and deep and powerful.
But to live is to grasp all the potential you possibly can with your human mind of what God has placed in your heart to dream. None of this even scratches the surface. I can't even imagine.
I feel like its honest. If I'm bleeding, just bleed because I know I made mistakes; or acknowledge that life isn't always fair and move on. Mourn. Wear black until the sunshine makes it unbearable, but pull no punches. Have the nightmares and wake up to truth. Cling to truth desparately, like its all I have. It is all I have. Stand up for right, regardless of being alone.
Dream. And dream richly, so my soul is fulfilled and I don't need the material wealth of the world to satisfy me. Find joy in simplicity and hold onto faith, hope, and love. Submit to that higher power because I'm not going to win. Quit fighting and accept forgiveness and redemption. Then find the river and wash myself until I'm clean and live free. Heal. Hold on. Cling. Press on further in the freedom of that River and the beauty all around me in the middle of nowhere.
Be free. Be complete. Kick off my shoes and stay in the company of people who won't judge me; they all know the River just as well. Smile at them and see in their souls that they are just as grateful for the cold, clear, crisp, powerful water that dissovlved their stains. Let them take my hands and give me food and drink, and meditate on the fact that in that moment, I have everything I'll ever need and I am the richest one in the world.
And love; Sweet. Its like love is waiting out there somewhere and the more broken I become, the more magnificent the love will seem when its found. I'll be pieced back together by the Potter's hands, but in your love for Him you'll see how He healed my life and rejoice with me over such a miracle. We'll rejoice over you, as well. If love had a color, it would be white and glowing because of its purity and power. You'd steal my attention completely, love. You'd be a soft place to land and we'd be comfort to each other. We wouldn't withhold life from one another, but give it freely. We'd dream together and build together. We'd laugh outrageously at the secrets only you and I knew, and we'd be the best of friends and lovers. We'd hold hands and shyly catch each others' eye from across the room and escape together to a place wrapped in beauty. We'd swim in the ocean and find the waves and hold onto each other when the wind became too powerful and enjoy the sun on the sand during peaceful weather. Peace. Perfect. Hold onto that and don't let it go. Its a gift, just like love. We'll have it all, won't we? One day our world will be electric with love and we'll marvel at how God brought us together to this ocean; so rich and deep and powerful.
But to live is to grasp all the potential you possibly can with your human mind of what God has placed in your heart to dream. None of this even scratches the surface. I can't even imagine.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Working.
So I am currently taking a break, but I just wanted to say that I am very, very lucky to have the job that I do. I get to work very closely with veterans groups and those who want to do research to improve conditions for veterans at school and upon entrance into the civilian job market. I love it; I love getting to raise awareness, figuring out where those connections are, making things happen, and helping people. Seiously. Everything about working for SNVC and Aurora makes sense to me, and I am so fortunate that I love what I do.
And to just add to the joy, I got a phone call today from someone interested in becoming my roommate in Manassas! Very cool, right? She's from Michigan and went to MIT and spent the past few years in South Korea and has worked with both college and student ministries before; seriously would be awesome if she worked out. And there are so many people seriously interested in moving into the room in Arlington. I don't have a lot of stuff, so I anticipate this being the easiest move on the planet.
And speaking of college & youth ministry, I have the privilege of interning this summer for my church with the student ministry, so I get to not only work with college kids (and I'm praying very seriously about whether or not God wants me to actually do more speaking there... slightly horrifying). But I get to just have an open door for the students to hang out in their hometown of Manassas, and there's so much vision for really cool events that we get to do this summer to just bring students out to the church and hear about Jesus. Love it.
Alright. Had to get this out while I keep chugging along. I got to be the "Team Lead" for one of our Workforce Creativity Teams - I'm in charge of the Rewards team, and we are charged with finding better ways to reward employees who bring value and success to the client. I'm reading this really cool article now about how the idea of a "reward" at work has changed throughout the generations. And it makes sense; where it used to be that the older generations valued a pay increase or a bonus or the guarantee of a promostion, the younger generations are more inclined to desire a sense of achievement, or something they can be proud of. And it makes sense; we are the generations that were all brought up as winners, so if you make something into a competition for people my age, they won't really care as much as someone who is older would. What younger workers will care about is the sense of pride and achievement they will receive genuinely from their superiors - that is the motivation for them to keep doing a good job and find ways to improve.
Interesting that people care more about the feelings they are awarded than the actual tangible rewards of money. I know its true for me; one time, my boss took me out to lunch to personally thank me for doing a good job on a project, and that genuine way of saying "thank you" meant so much more to me than a financial incentive coming in the mail. I'm reading a book called "Drive" by Daniel Pink right now, and I'm supposed to start reading "The Carrot Principle" soon. I just ordered it, so we'll see how that goes. But all the psychology behind what makes people better workers is very interesting to me. So now I get to help figure out ways to make our company's reward policy better than it already is. Tall order, considering its already phenomenal.
Well, I need to get back to work. Today was pretty cool.
And to just add to the joy, I got a phone call today from someone interested in becoming my roommate in Manassas! Very cool, right? She's from Michigan and went to MIT and spent the past few years in South Korea and has worked with both college and student ministries before; seriously would be awesome if she worked out. And there are so many people seriously interested in moving into the room in Arlington. I don't have a lot of stuff, so I anticipate this being the easiest move on the planet.
And speaking of college & youth ministry, I have the privilege of interning this summer for my church with the student ministry, so I get to not only work with college kids (and I'm praying very seriously about whether or not God wants me to actually do more speaking there... slightly horrifying). But I get to just have an open door for the students to hang out in their hometown of Manassas, and there's so much vision for really cool events that we get to do this summer to just bring students out to the church and hear about Jesus. Love it.
Alright. Had to get this out while I keep chugging along. I got to be the "Team Lead" for one of our Workforce Creativity Teams - I'm in charge of the Rewards team, and we are charged with finding better ways to reward employees who bring value and success to the client. I'm reading this really cool article now about how the idea of a "reward" at work has changed throughout the generations. And it makes sense; where it used to be that the older generations valued a pay increase or a bonus or the guarantee of a promostion, the younger generations are more inclined to desire a sense of achievement, or something they can be proud of. And it makes sense; we are the generations that were all brought up as winners, so if you make something into a competition for people my age, they won't really care as much as someone who is older would. What younger workers will care about is the sense of pride and achievement they will receive genuinely from their superiors - that is the motivation for them to keep doing a good job and find ways to improve.
Interesting that people care more about the feelings they are awarded than the actual tangible rewards of money. I know its true for me; one time, my boss took me out to lunch to personally thank me for doing a good job on a project, and that genuine way of saying "thank you" meant so much more to me than a financial incentive coming in the mail. I'm reading a book called "Drive" by Daniel Pink right now, and I'm supposed to start reading "The Carrot Principle" soon. I just ordered it, so we'll see how that goes. But all the psychology behind what makes people better workers is very interesting to me. So now I get to help figure out ways to make our company's reward policy better than it already is. Tall order, considering its already phenomenal.
Well, I need to get back to work. Today was pretty cool.
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