Yesterday was a hard day. For one, I wasn't really feeling well. I got to leave work a little early and just relax, which was nice, but more than the physical sickness, I couldn't find a way to turn my thoughts off.
Do you ever have days like that? Where you run through every possibility open to you and you worship them? You idolize the options and you bare you soul to the idea that you can be anything and in that exposure to everything the world offers, you miss God? Entirely? My heart ached for Him yesterday, b/c I spent the entire day prostituting myself to the ideas man plants into my mind:
Be anything. Find job security. Make yourself better, more marketable. Get certified in something, anything, and run with it. You'll need it later. You're young, you're gonna do great things, kid. Except you'll only do great things if you follow a certain path - there's a one-way street, and it has everything to do with picking the right grad school, choosing the right certification program, getting into the right meetings and knowing the right people.
All. Day. Long.
It's pounded into me here, and yesterday, it got to me. I looked at every option I could, and examined all the different possibilities to keep myself "safe." Financially provided for. There's no faith in that, there's no leaning on the Eternal God and there's no reason to trust Him if I have it all figured out.
Tell that to me yesterday.
I was on all sorts of websites, trying to find the way out. God, help me help you. You want me to serve you, and you've got me stuck here, so I might as well make the most of it, right? Might as well learn network admin, or web development, or something that will make me more appreciated here than just being a receptionist... Ego? Maybe that's what caused it? Pride? Definitely pride. Because at the root of the whole epidose of worry yesterday was the fact that I crave control over my destiny, and I don't simply let go and trust. I desire to steer myself towards what the world finds satisfactory and hope that God approves and can then take my efforts and use them. These are leftovers - efforts remaining from a heart too scared/selfish/prideful/sinful to give up and choose Him in the first place. They are leftovers and they are sin.
So I leave work yesterday just, restless. I have to keep from being a failure, I have to keep my head above water, I have to figure out how to make this job work according to the Lord's plans. I have to...
Control has always been an issue for me. In relationships, I had no idea how to let a godly man lead. I had no idea how to be pursued. I had no idea how to trust that the failure of my plans did not mean God was through with me, but really trying to show me something better.
So last night, I'm just frustrated. I can't figure out how to reconcile dreams from the Lord with plans from a worldly mindset. I try to compare the two, make them work with each other and its like combining oil and water - they won't mix.
So I quit trying.
Praise the Lamb who chose me when He could've walked off the cross.
And as soon as I gave up, He gave me these verses to cling to as truth:
Proverbs 3:5-7
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
I surrendered the struggle to figure it out. I quit trying. People have been telling me to quit trying for so long, but I never got it; I never understood until last night.
I am free from the fear the world places in me of not being an "accomplished individual," and I am not responsible for planning my way into ministry. I am responsible for trusting my Savior, whose love endures forever, to open the doors He chooses to open, and in the mean time, live for Him. I am responsible for letting go of control. So what if I don't have marketable skills that will carry me throughout the rest of a career? God is guiding everything, and the wisdom I try to find in my own strength is foolishness. My understanding (aka, my control over my future career just b/c someone tells me I have to be somebody) is flawed with sin, and breaks the heart of a Holy God. So I trust Him. I trust His timing and I trust His leading to keep me here for now. I trust the doors He will open in the future, but it's not my job to actively seek those doors.
I literally can't describe to you the joy and the relief of finally understanding that I had the freedom to surrender that fight. I have the freedom to be impoverished for the sake of the gospel; that others may know Him and never once worry about the perception of the world. I don't have to fit into an "American Dream" mold; I don't have to trust in my own abilities to weather these tough economic times, and I don't have to lose sleep anymore wondering what the next step is going to be! I'm free to be His, and for now, He's freed me of my own understanding! He's shown me that attempts to control my life are rooted in sin and I should shun them. The Bible says to shun all evil, fear the Lord, and never once to trust yourself.
This is freedom - that my Jesus, my Savior whose love I don't deserve, not only rescues me from my sin on a daily basis, but gives me the beautiful gift of faith to believe His Word. I wholeheartedly believe that my life is about to take turns that require extraordinary trust in Jesus, and its critical that I learn now to never lean on my own understanding, especially for such concerns as financial security. Its critical I acknowledge that my desire to plan, control, etc is in direct conflict with God's dreams and my schemes are evil. His dreams are good. The clarity from letting go and accepting Christ as the leader of your "American Dream" is awesome, but it's a struggle. We're engrained to trust in ourselves as Americans, and letting God take over only when we seem to lack control. What if we lacked control over it all, and God was allowed to take over everything?
He took over that struggle for me last night, and I just wanted to share how freeing it is. How beautiful. He can't direct your paths if you're trusting in your own abilities; give up. It's so, so good.
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