Last Night in Arlington

Wow.

I remember when I thought moving to Arlington would be the coolest place to just hang out for a couple years until I could move somewhere else, with plans to be with someone else, doing something else. 

I remember driving into DC every day at first, thinking how phenomenal it was that I worked in the nation's capitol.  I remember my first paycheck and then, the weeks that followed, when the lonliness set in and the first time I really missed a church family. Sense of community.  Any type of reminder that God was out there and hadn't just left me by myself. 

And I remember so many firsts after that... my first sit-down with a good friend who told me God had huge plans for my life.  The first time I realized that God might possibly want me to live out a plan that could look a little different than what I had in mind.  The first time I lost it at the thought of losing the grip I had on my reality.  Getting angry.  Tears; so frustrated that God couldn't line up His plans with mine. 

And the compromises to keep things the way I wanted them only led further to me trying to find more of my own answers.  I distinctly remember sitting in my car outside the townhouse, trying to map out timetables so I could still have everything work out the way I wanted.  I felt like I had a suitcase that only held a limited amount of clothing, and I wanted to pack way too much of my closet into it.  I only need one thing - the Jesus who saved me and gave me this incredible relationship with my Father, and I remember wanting Jesus and... I remember knowing that wanting Jesus and... was wrong, but doing it anyway.  My rebellion.  I remember times where I just flicked Him off and stuffed my suitcase to overflowing, struggling to shut it and never really succeeding. 

And I remember the random turning points that existed along the way this past year.  I remember January being the best and worst month, when I saw a glimpse of God's vision and turned my back.  And through it all, I know faithfulness from a God who pursues His children.  And I remember the final blow of it all, when everything crumbled despite my best efforts to keep things together.  And the sweet hands that created the universe reached down and held me.  A nobody.  Someone who fought and fought so hard to not let Him have His way was cradled in grace and mercy, like a daughter finding the arms of her father after a nightmare.

That's the journey of Arlington.  That's the story of how then became now; of how the love of Jesus became the only reality I need to know. 

Humbled.  That God would take this tangled life and all the thorns I choose to cling to and gently set me free from this sinful nature.  Strength to choose Him every day. 

And now, Manassas.  The sweet beginning where I can forget about the past and with joy, look to the future.  Someone was telling me yesterday about how they have their whole life planned out and I realized I was smiling.  Because a year ago, just a year ago, I would've said the same thing.  And now I don't know what is happening tomorrow.  And I have so much peace about not knowing, so much joy in not knowing.  Who would've thought? 

And Lord, You know this journey, as You've been so gracious as to hold me through it all.  You deserve all the glory for the peace and dreams that have been realized.  You deserve every ounce of life.  You gave, and You took away for Your name's sake.  And You allowed me to experience this sweet desperation for You; this powerful love and affection for a Savior who first loved me.  I don't even know how to say 'thank You;' who am I?  Who am I that You would hold me and allow me to be kept safe for Your purpose now?  That You would bring about this road and guide me here?  So I'm Yours.  Wholly and completely Yours.  So others may know, so others will hear Your love and truth, so others will find their peace and comfort in You and fall massively in love with You.  God.  The stars are Yours, yet You choose to bring resurrection to Your humans here on Earth.  You reached down and rescued me.  Why?  I don't need to know why, but the question causes me to catch my breath every time, because I am literally nothing.  What is here is only a reflection of Your power and life-changing love.  Redemption. 

So Lord, I'm off to Manassas.  I don't remember being this excited about anything before in my life.  This is the journey; this is the adventure.  This is why I was created.  Purpose.  To glorify You.  All of me for You.  That's all that matters, Lord. 

Wow.  This year literally has been life-changing in every way.  God is so good.