So I suck - completely.
Run-down of my days:
Include work - getting up at 5:50 to get ready for the day, fight traffic, and be in the office around 7:45. All day. Usually eat lunch at my desk, no big deal, it happens, stuff's gotta get done. Get off work and I briefly entertain the thought of going for a run before hanging out with students. Because if I'm honest, at any moment of the day, I'd always rather spend it with students - high school or college. Over work, exercise, reading, sleeping, eating, dating, whatever - I'd rather build relationships and love on the amazing students God has placed in my life. And there's joy in that b/c I was created to make disciples.
But I'm empty. I'm so freaking depleted and there's not much left to pour out when I'm not letting God pour into me. And the time, even doing ministry, selfishly becomes mine all over again when I have nothing to offer from b/c I'm not spending time with Him in the first place. And I'm so disgusted with myself. I know this. He isn't going to try to convince me to give up my time to Him; it should just be something I do because I love my Father. But I don't.
No, I work. A lot. And I drown myself in thoughts of "maybe I can still do both," and maybe one day I'll just be "Corporate Ellen" and these ideas penetrate my drives home and all I do is wonder and I act on nothing and my time is still attacked and I'm still running on empty.
The bottomline is I miss Jesus. I'm angry that I allow the time to become my time and its wasted away for things other than ministry and I tell myself I'd give this all up in a moment if God called me out of it. That would be so awesome. Perfect. Would make it so much easier to grow in Him, be His, have time for Him, etc. Right? Maybe?
Maybe not. I can't even give Him time now, so what makes me think it'll get better just because the title changes to something to do with ministry? Who am I fooling? I suck; I let my time slip away and call it God's when the reality is it's totally mine and I'm selfish and foolish, thinking I have something to offer. There's no one to blame but myself. Nowhere to point the finger but towards my own selfishness.
I know this:
1. Jesus has called me to follow Him selflessly and make disciples. Right now, its convenient to do ministry with my job and b/c its convenient, its becoming easier and easier to stay settled in that situation and not ask God to grow. Not ask Him to stretch my faith to something uncomfortable again b/c seriously, I just got comfortable and everything is so easy right now. I call ministry mine and forget it was His in the first place.
2. I suck at spending time with Him. I'm too selfish with my schedule and I'm getting burnt out.
3. I still flirt with my future being something other than what He intended for me. MPA. MBA. GREs. Grad school options everywhere. Imagining possibilities provides an escape sometimes and it leads to dangerous roads that bring Him zero honor and glory whatsoever.
4. I'm terrified that I'm stuck here in this complacency and I'll drown in it; I can't shake that terror, but I let it linger; control it, box it up, give it a name, tame it so I can at least understand it and not let it control me. Rationalize my reason for remaining complacent.
The reality is, I have been praying for an open door and it's been sitting in my inbox. And I know it and I've let it lie and finally, God's bringing me to this point where repentence and filthy rags are all I have to offer and there is literally no point in waiting around anymore. None. I have nothing to lose, because all the faith I can muster has only served to open my eyes to how wasteful I am with my time and how empty I am without Christ and I can't fix that without Him. All I can do is turn to Him. All I can do is ask for help. B/c I sure can't quit complacency on my own. And trusting Him is only going to bring me closer to His plans. That's all I wanted in the first place, back when I didn't have anything going for me then, either. Nothing's changed, I just allow myself to think it has.
I worship my time, and the options I have to spend my time on. I worship the idea of freedom, and relish the fact that if I really wanted to, I can pick up and leave and go anywhere. I worship my potential and the flattery of the world to tell me what my potential is.
I worship me and call it "ministry." I worship me and call it "time for God." I worship me and call it my blog, my facebook, twitter, "outreach." I worship me and call it a job that allows me to still do ministry on the side when in reality I have no freaking idea what surrender can be because I still worship myself.
Praise God for Jesus. And everything He is. Past, Present, Future. His example. His walk and His love.
Matthew 4.1-11.
Nothing to lose.
