Confessions

So I suck - completely.
 
Run-down of my days:
Include work - getting up at 5:50 to get ready for the day, fight traffic, and be in the office around 7:45.  All day.  Usually eat lunch at my desk, no big deal, it happens, stuff's gotta get done.  Get off work and I briefly entertain the thought of going for a run before hanging out with students.  Because if I'm honest, at any moment of the day, I'd always rather spend it with students - high school or college.  Over work, exercise, reading, sleeping, eating, dating, whatever - I'd rather build relationships and love on the amazing students God has placed in my life.  And there's joy in that b/c I was created to make disciples.

But I'm empty.  I'm so freaking depleted and there's not much left to pour out when I'm not letting God pour into me.  And the time, even doing ministry, selfishly becomes mine all over again when I have nothing to offer from b/c I'm not spending time with Him in the first place.  And I'm so disgusted with myself.  I know this.  He isn't going to try to convince me to give up my time to Him; it should just be something I do because I love my Father.  But I don't.

No, I work.  A lot.  And I drown myself in thoughts of "maybe I can still do both," and maybe one day I'll just be "Corporate Ellen" and these ideas penetrate my drives home and all I do is wonder and I act on nothing and my time is still attacked and I'm still running on empty. 

The bottomline is I miss Jesus.  I'm angry that I allow the time to become my time and its wasted away for things other than ministry and I tell myself I'd give this all up in a moment if God called me out of it.  That would be so awesome.  Perfect.  Would make it so much easier to grow in Him, be His, have time for Him, etc.  Right?  Maybe? 

Maybe not.  I can't even give Him time now, so what makes me think it'll get better just because the title changes to something to do with ministry?  Who am I fooling?  I suck; I let my time slip away and call it God's when the reality is it's totally mine and I'm selfish and foolish, thinking I have something to offer.  There's no one to blame but myself.  Nowhere to point the finger but towards my own selfishness. 

I know this:

1.  Jesus has called me to follow Him selflessly and make disciples.  Right now, its convenient to do ministry with my job and b/c its convenient, its becoming easier and easier to stay settled in that situation and not ask God to grow.  Not ask Him to stretch my faith to something uncomfortable again b/c seriously, I just got comfortable and everything is so easy right now.  I call ministry mine and forget it was His in the first place.
2.  I suck at spending time with Him.  I'm too selfish with my schedule and I'm getting burnt out.
3.  I still flirt with my future being something other than what He intended for me.  MPA.  MBA.  GREs.  Grad school options everywhere.  Imagining possibilities provides an escape sometimes and it leads to dangerous roads that bring Him zero honor and glory whatsoever.
4.  I'm terrified that I'm stuck here in this complacency and I'll drown in it; I can't shake that terror, but I let it linger; control it, box it up, give it a name, tame it so I can at least understand it and not let it control me.  Rationalize my reason for remaining complacent.

The reality is, I have been praying for an open door and it's been sitting in my inbox.  And I know it and I've let it lie and finally, God's bringing me to this point where repentence and filthy rags are all I have to offer and there is literally no point in waiting around anymore.  None.  I have nothing to lose, because all the faith I can muster has only served to open my eyes to how wasteful I am with my time and how empty I am without Christ and I can't fix that without Him.  All I can do is turn to Him.  All I can do is ask for help.  B/c I sure can't quit complacency on my own.  And trusting Him is only going to bring me closer to His plans.  That's all I wanted in the first place, back when I didn't have anything going for me then, either.  Nothing's changed, I just allow myself to think it has.

I worship my time, and the options I have to spend my time on.  I worship the idea of freedom, and relish the fact that if I really wanted to, I can pick up and leave and go anywhere.  I worship my potential and the flattery of the world to tell me what my potential is. 

I worship me and call it "ministry."  I worship me and call it "time for God."  I worship me and call it my blog, my facebook, twitter, "outreach."  I worship me and call it a job that allows me to still do ministry on the side when in reality I have no freaking idea what surrender can be because I still worship myself.

Praise God for Jesus.  And everything He is.  Past, Present, Future.  His example.  His walk and His love. 

Matthew 4.1-11.

Nothing to lose.   

College Senior

I don't know how you'll respond to this, but it needs to be said. It's been on my heart for a while.

We've all made mistakes, right? No one's perfect. No one's better than anyone else, so from the get-go, I'm acknowledging that this letter is coming from a heart of personal experience. I don't want you to learn these lessons the way I did, so don't think, please, for one moment, that there's judgement here, ok?

But look. Can I just say... What the hell happened to you? Don't you remember when you were on fire, ON FIRE, for theLord? Don't you remember the days when you would call me out on everything in such a loving way? Don't you know that person still exists somewhere; there's a girl with blind faith in God who knows the redeeming power of Jesus Christ in such a beautiful, innocent way so WHAT HAPPENED?! Where did you go?! Where is the boldness and the fearlessness that made people turn their heads and wonder about you?

You're so beautiful. So talented. I look at you and I see one of the smartest people I've ever met. Literally. You got the brains of the family and I'm looking forward to the day when I can call you and ask you for money because you're the responsible one who will end up taking care of all of us one day. (Don't worry, I won't totally mooch off you. Just kind of :) ) But you are so rich in talent. You paint effortlessly and see beauty and art everywhere. You have a heart for those who can't help themselves and you are tender and loving towards people who others don't seem to understand. And you're so beautiful. I remember being so jealous of you because one day, you woke up taller than me - so grown up and lovely, and that never changed. You were the one that had to grow up too fast and accept life as completely unfair at an even earlier age than I did, and I wish more than anything that I could change that. I wish I could have you here with me and tell you that life turned out well, and God's hand never moved from our lives and His plans are still becoming realities, even as we speak.

So I'm led into this: don't turn away. You know right from wrong, and you have a moral compass that is not of your own making, but from your God. Don't flick Him off. Don't look at your life and all He's brought you through and say that one little guilty pleasure is worth missing the most amazing relationship of your entire life. Your life is in such a crucial place; you're about to get everything you've ever worked for, and sweetheart, you've worked so hard. You've built so much and you're abilities to lead and positively influence others are not lost on anyone. They're there and its obvious. And your talent and your capacity to just look at problems and solve them is incredible and could it be that God gave you these amazing gifts for you to completely break down walls that ordinary, everyday human beings like me are never really going to be able to breach? You're freaking off the charts and you're about to throw it away so I'm begging you, I'm BEGGING you, please wake up and remember that your God didn't die for you to just have Him when its convenient for you and to let you pick Him back up when you're done with these favorite sins that will RUIN you. They'll destroy you if you don't turn away and give it all up to your Father.

I don't get it. You were always the one telling me not to waste my time with guys who didn't love the Lord and YOU WATCHED ME break because of those mistakes and YOU WATCHED as those relationships dragged my heart over jagged rocks and I guess I just don't understand how you could sit there with front-row seats to that horror show throughout high school and college and still think you can play with that same fire. Where did that voice of reason go? You're not safe, you can't just play with the devil and come away unscathed; his games are going to leave you broken and what I don't understand is how you watched it happen - and not just to me. To your other friends and relatives and you are still there in the middle of it all. Quit lying and hiding and pushing that sin to the backburner and dealing with it later. You're not winning this one. You're settling and you're going to be stuck and the devil is laughing his head off because he will permanently cripple whatever plans God had for you in the first place. YOU ARE LETTING HIM WIN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!! DOESN'T THAT PISS YOU OFF?!!

Because it infuritates me. You're not the type to settle, and you, of all people, were not created to fail. But you are going to fail if you keep Jesus as your security blanket and continue your favorite little sins on the side. Because they're not little at all. They equate to the death your allowing to destroy your testimony, your walk, and your potential for Christ. Death is swallowing you whole and you freaking know it and you're letting it happen and I love you, I LOVE YOU too much for you to just sit away and pretend to not care.

I love you. I messed up too. And guess what? He redeemed me and God won. And now He's using my story to somehow bring Himself glory. He can do that for you too because NOTHING is beyond redemption. Nothing. It's never too late for you to give up and trust Him. It'll be raw and painful and really hard but it will be worth it. Oh, I promise Jesus is worth losing that familiarity and comfort zone for. Death is not worth it. You're not growing in Him. You should be, but you're not. You're dying away from Him, separated by this one comfortable sin you refuse to give up. So give up, please, I'm begging you to give up and come back and know the depth of your Savior's love and redemptive power. He gives better gifts than we could create or imagine for ourselves.

There's a man out there who will lead you to Christ and guard your heart and honor you and you won't be able to believe what it is you've been missing all this time; that God could create a man so perfect for you, so amazing that he is all the things you never even knew you needed.

Godly men exist. I promise.

I love you so, so much. I wrote a lot, but it's because you are so much more important to me than just an afterthought. This is all I've been wanting to say for a long time, and I hope I said it lovingly. Maybe I'm angry, but its only because there's deception lurking and I want to rip the blindfold off your eyes, but I can't be the one to do that. I can tell you how I ripped my own blindfold off and have never been the same, but you already know that.

You know that. I want you to live, not settle. Not die.

So all I can do is tell you my heart and that I love you and want you to know Him.

Good luck with everything this year.

Psalm 119:33-40

God is not silent.  He gives hope right when I think there is none. 

When the murkiness of my own mind begins to cloud everything He's proven to be true, He takes His words and wipes some of the dirt from my window so I can begin to see clearly that there's light outside, not a world of cobwebs where I live as a shadow.

He holds my hand when I come to Him needy, and lets me rant and rave about everything that doesn't matter.  He gently places me on the ground and stands up to show me just how big He is and how small I am.

I am nothing.

He is Lord.

And then, in His majesty, He kneels down to me again, a child, and yet seeks after me to cleanse my heart of the impure motives in coming to Him.

Oh, Ellen, you want something from me?  You want an answer, a distinct sign?  You desire some tangible product from my bounty, so you come to me with this worshipful facade and expect me to be fooled and find you good enough to give a reward to?

Such a fool.  Do you, child, still not understand who I am?  Do you not understand grace?  You live your life as though you need answers to survive, when really, every question has been answered for eternity through my salvation. 

So I sit at the feet of this Great God as a child, humbled and in need of nothing but Him. 

I find myself here now.  Holding out hope in His Word, that He will speak to me through it.  Through prayer, I will simply know my Jesus better, as a relationship that is grown and nurtured through intentional time spent with each other.  That blind trust in Him will become more of a reality and I will accept that I don't need answers, I just need Jesus.