Yesterday was a hard day. For one, I wasn't really feeling well. I got to leave work a little early and just relax, which was nice, but more than the physical sickness, I couldn't find a way to turn my thoughts off.
Do you ever have days like that? Where you run through every possibility open to you and you worship them? You idolize the options and you bare you soul to the idea that you can be anything and in that exposure to everything the world offers, you miss God? Entirely? My heart ached for Him yesterday, b/c I spent the entire day prostituting myself to the ideas man plants into my mind:
Be anything. Find job security. Make yourself better, more marketable. Get certified in something, anything, and run with it. You'll need it later. You're young, you're gonna do great things, kid. Except you'll only do great things if you follow a certain path - there's a one-way street, and it has everything to do with picking the right grad school, choosing the right certification program, getting into the right meetings and knowing the right people.
All. Day. Long.
It's pounded into me here, and yesterday, it got to me. I looked at every option I could, and examined all the different possibilities to keep myself "safe." Financially provided for. There's no faith in that, there's no leaning on the Eternal God and there's no reason to trust Him if I have it all figured out.
Tell that to me yesterday.
I was on all sorts of websites, trying to find the way out. God, help me help you. You want me to serve you, and you've got me stuck here, so I might as well make the most of it, right? Might as well learn network admin, or web development, or something that will make me more appreciated here than just being a receptionist... Ego? Maybe that's what caused it? Pride? Definitely pride. Because at the root of the whole epidose of worry yesterday was the fact that I crave control over my destiny, and I don't simply let go and trust. I desire to steer myself towards what the world finds satisfactory and hope that God approves and can then take my efforts and use them. These are leftovers - efforts remaining from a heart too scared/selfish/prideful/sinful to give up and choose Him in the first place. They are leftovers and they are sin.
So I leave work yesterday just, restless. I have to keep from being a failure, I have to keep my head above water, I have to figure out how to make this job work according to the Lord's plans. I have to...
Control has always been an issue for me. In relationships, I had no idea how to let a godly man lead. I had no idea how to be pursued. I had no idea how to trust that the failure of my plans did not mean God was through with me, but really trying to show me something better.
So last night, I'm just frustrated. I can't figure out how to reconcile dreams from the Lord with plans from a worldly mindset. I try to compare the two, make them work with each other and its like combining oil and water - they won't mix.
So I quit trying.
Praise the Lamb who chose me when He could've walked off the cross.
And as soon as I gave up, He gave me these verses to cling to as truth:
Proverbs 3:5-7
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
I surrendered the struggle to figure it out. I quit trying. People have been telling me to quit trying for so long, but I never got it; I never understood until last night.
I am free from the fear the world places in me of not being an "accomplished individual," and I am not responsible for planning my way into ministry. I am responsible for trusting my Savior, whose love endures forever, to open the doors He chooses to open, and in the mean time, live for Him. I am responsible for letting go of control. So what if I don't have marketable skills that will carry me throughout the rest of a career? God is guiding everything, and the wisdom I try to find in my own strength is foolishness. My understanding (aka, my control over my future career just b/c someone tells me I have to be somebody) is flawed with sin, and breaks the heart of a Holy God. So I trust Him. I trust His timing and I trust His leading to keep me here for now. I trust the doors He will open in the future, but it's not my job to actively seek those doors.
I literally can't describe to you the joy and the relief of finally understanding that I had the freedom to surrender that fight. I have the freedom to be impoverished for the sake of the gospel; that others may know Him and never once worry about the perception of the world. I don't have to fit into an "American Dream" mold; I don't have to trust in my own abilities to weather these tough economic times, and I don't have to lose sleep anymore wondering what the next step is going to be! I'm free to be His, and for now, He's freed me of my own understanding! He's shown me that attempts to control my life are rooted in sin and I should shun them. The Bible says to shun all evil, fear the Lord, and never once to trust yourself.
This is freedom - that my Jesus, my Savior whose love I don't deserve, not only rescues me from my sin on a daily basis, but gives me the beautiful gift of faith to believe His Word. I wholeheartedly believe that my life is about to take turns that require extraordinary trust in Jesus, and its critical that I learn now to never lean on my own understanding, especially for such concerns as financial security. Its critical I acknowledge that my desire to plan, control, etc is in direct conflict with God's dreams and my schemes are evil. His dreams are good. The clarity from letting go and accepting Christ as the leader of your "American Dream" is awesome, but it's a struggle. We're engrained to trust in ourselves as Americans, and letting God take over only when we seem to lack control. What if we lacked control over it all, and God was allowed to take over everything?
He took over that struggle for me last night, and I just wanted to share how freeing it is. How beautiful. He can't direct your paths if you're trusting in your own abilities; give up. It's so, so good.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Marshall
How do you define vision? Heck if I know. All I know is I've been praying for it and when it comes, its like a flood from the Lord who wants us to follow Him.
"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:17-18
"Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" Matthew 19:21
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27
The command is clear: Care for the poor. "Jesus never healed half-way" (Marshall said that - I'll get to him in a moment). So why, WHY do I think that ministry can't be all-encompassing, and why do I not find more opportunities to serve? Why am I so content to follow someone else's vision that really has no bearing on my calling in life?
No more settling. Praying for more flooding. Make it obvious there's more and the calling is elsewhere, not here. Easy to leave. Easy to uproot and easy to look people in the eye and tell them the truth - that I'm called to something else.
Praying for help. Have no clue where to begin. Jireh. That place next to it is for lease. Practical beginnings: ask for donations - college kids can paint the place, make it look modern and inviting. Shelter? Definitely a food pantry. Babysitting for moms who need to work and can't afford it? College kids who have random slots of time in their schedule? Just come by and be available. Teach the children the gospel as their moms work. Serve the mothers who could never otherwise afford it. Feed the children; give them spritual building blocks for thier lives.
Need help. Need prayer. Need donations. Need the Lord to empty me completely of myself. I need Him. Desperately. How do you follow a massive dream?
Lord, if you so desire, and if this is from you, then rush over me with peace (as only a flood can) and send people who can help, who have a heart for the same things. Who can affirm your call. Send people who have the vision to serve and care for the poor, widows, and orphans. Convict me of the selfishness that prevented You from working for so long. Thank you for Marshall, for Katie, for Fairfax, VA.
Take the dream and change it into whatever You choose. Hold me and I pursue You. Lord, please send your presence as enough. Psalm 114 says your presence is to be greatly feared, and to think that presence lives in me... Who am I? Humbled.
Send peace, dear Father. Send suffiency so its a miracle for which You are praised. Make it OBVIOUS that You had to deliver. Make it Yours. Take me away and make it all Yours, Lord. Bring forth dreamers who can change the world for You, too.
God, please send the courage that enabled David to kill a giant. That courage exists only from the God who is mighty to save and completely faithful. Whole. Entirely sufficient to meet needs as I follow your commands. Faithful. Trustworthy. Dear God, I'm giving this back to You, and simply praying for You to affirm and to guide.
and Marshall.
Lord, he knows more about life than I ever will. Deliver him from chains - break Satan. Smash Satan. Rip Satan away and hold Marshall through the questions, the withdrawal, the insecurity. Lord, for your Glory and Fame, set a captive free to serve You with his entire being.
You are Power and Might and Majesty and You deserve all the Honor and Glory forever and ever. Come back soon, please God.
I love You.
"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:17-18
"Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" Matthew 19:21
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27
The command is clear: Care for the poor. "Jesus never healed half-way" (Marshall said that - I'll get to him in a moment). So why, WHY do I think that ministry can't be all-encompassing, and why do I not find more opportunities to serve? Why am I so content to follow someone else's vision that really has no bearing on my calling in life?
No more settling. Praying for more flooding. Make it obvious there's more and the calling is elsewhere, not here. Easy to leave. Easy to uproot and easy to look people in the eye and tell them the truth - that I'm called to something else.
Praying for help. Have no clue where to begin. Jireh. That place next to it is for lease. Practical beginnings: ask for donations - college kids can paint the place, make it look modern and inviting. Shelter? Definitely a food pantry. Babysitting for moms who need to work and can't afford it? College kids who have random slots of time in their schedule? Just come by and be available. Teach the children the gospel as their moms work. Serve the mothers who could never otherwise afford it. Feed the children; give them spritual building blocks for thier lives.
Need help. Need prayer. Need donations. Need the Lord to empty me completely of myself. I need Him. Desperately. How do you follow a massive dream?
Lord, if you so desire, and if this is from you, then rush over me with peace (as only a flood can) and send people who can help, who have a heart for the same things. Who can affirm your call. Send people who have the vision to serve and care for the poor, widows, and orphans. Convict me of the selfishness that prevented You from working for so long. Thank you for Marshall, for Katie, for Fairfax, VA.
Take the dream and change it into whatever You choose. Hold me and I pursue You. Lord, please send your presence as enough. Psalm 114 says your presence is to be greatly feared, and to think that presence lives in me... Who am I? Humbled.
Send peace, dear Father. Send suffiency so its a miracle for which You are praised. Make it OBVIOUS that You had to deliver. Make it Yours. Take me away and make it all Yours, Lord. Bring forth dreamers who can change the world for You, too.
God, please send the courage that enabled David to kill a giant. That courage exists only from the God who is mighty to save and completely faithful. Whole. Entirely sufficient to meet needs as I follow your commands. Faithful. Trustworthy. Dear God, I'm giving this back to You, and simply praying for You to affirm and to guide.
and Marshall.
Lord, he knows more about life than I ever will. Deliver him from chains - break Satan. Smash Satan. Rip Satan away and hold Marshall through the questions, the withdrawal, the insecurity. Lord, for your Glory and Fame, set a captive free to serve You with his entire being.
You are Power and Might and Majesty and You deserve all the Honor and Glory forever and ever. Come back soon, please God.
I love You.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Old Friend - Intro
Part One - For the sake of accountability, I'm going to try to update this every Saturday with the journey to better know Him through asking these hard questions. Praying for Truth, every moment of every day.
I feel like I'm coming home to an old friend with open arms, somone peaceful and calm in the middle of cold, dreary weather. I've missed writing. I've missed the intimacy with Jesus that I find when I pour out life onto a page. There's been a lot of life lately. A lot of color, joy, beauty, and ugliness; the full spectrum of grays translating over into reds and orange and flowing back to yellow and soft hues of blue.
I miss a lot. I miss the students. It was like I was on summer break with them, which is actually kinda cool because I would've never otherwise remembered it was summer. And now fall - or is this fall? Its cold and wet and rainy outside. Kinda reminds me of winter last year... but I digress. And now I just ordered my material for small groups to the correct address (the joys of moving - finally), and those college girls are a joy. Loving them and living life with them is such a blessing; they have no idea. And on top of all the life that God chooses to give, He's blessed me with sweet relationships. Beautiful friendships that I treasure more than I ever realized I would, and friends who build me up in Christ and speak truth to me and with whom I can be completely transparent with no guards up, no walls. It's hard to switch in and out of worlds where no one really has time to see your heart, or understand your passion, or care about deep, below-surface-level community together.
Time. Its the one thing I used to have that does not exist anymore. And as much as I want to blame my job; as much as I want to get so frustrated that my workload gets bigger and bigger, quitting my job would only be a temporary fix, because before I know it, I'll fill my time up again with even more things that don't matter. I'll get really busy for the sake of "ministry," or whatever else it is, and miss my God all over again. So I label my life, place difference pieces as more important, more convenient ways to get to God, and still miss Him.
I am asking myself a lot of hard questions right now, and the journey is beginning to be intentional about taking them before Jesus and in spite of the uncertainty, knowing Him. I want to document this journey, and know that here, in October of 2011, God started the preparation for something bigger, and the vision for something greater than myself.
So please share it. Please know that its a joy and an honor to share this with you. And its a beautiful thing to have community here in Northern Virginia, where God has placed me for such a time as this.
But I ask Him every day, and search for answers every day, and the same activity goes on and on in my head and I look at the people around me every day and wonder what I'm doing here.
Am I really called?
Am I really just miserable in my circumstances right now and looking for a way out, and do I have the audacity to use the excuse of "ministry" as a reason to quit?
Do I really just miss God so much that I think ministry will solve my problems of spending time with him?
Am I so intimidated by what the world thinks of me that I'm really just too scared to face teh disappointed faces?
Am I scared of money, or the lack of it?
How do I know God, what do I do?
How is this time of molding and shaping something He can possibly use to bring Himself glory when I struggle every day to just spend time with Him?
How do I get to know my Jesus better, and love the people I work with, and love the students and be a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, sister, human being, when my life is swallowed by things I', not passionate about?
How can He possibly use that to His glory?
And why won't He just let me quit?
Hard questions. So I write them out and I process them as best I can, and I get back to work. And I drive through traffic every day, stare at a screen, and get back to them later when I have time.
What if I stay so busy to purposefully ignore the answers?
There's comfort in writing. There's comfort in knowing the voice of my God is still here, and His hands are holding me, even though I am the least of these. He has told me so many things lately. I'm learning to say "no" to over-committing myself. I'm learning to wait on Him and trust Him. I'm finding there's a huge difference between knowing God intimately and trusting Him. Intimacy feels safe, its this place of rest in the middle of the storm. Trust happens when the feeling isnt there, and all the comfort in the world can't seem to be found. I think.
He has given me so many words of truth: "I'm preparing you," "Learn to say 'no,'" "Know Me - simply just know Me," and my favorite: "My plans are best for you." He has the best plans for me, and all I have to do is trust that. Let this worry go. Let these fears of failing on so many different fronts be nailed to the cross of my Jesus and simply know Love, know The Way.
How do you become so desparate for Christ, for this massive blanket of supernatural love that you'd give up everything? I think what's worse is getting to that point but having no direction to follow. Give up everything, then what?
Where do I go from there, and why?
He is faithful to me. He is love and rest and peace to me, and He has given me writing as a gift to unwrap all these deep, dark, horrifying questions that I may not want to know the answer to, and one by one, begin to seek Him. Not what He can give me as an answer, but Him.
He is enough. He is the old friend to whom I am returning.
Psalm 107:43 - Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the Lord.
I feel like I'm coming home to an old friend with open arms, somone peaceful and calm in the middle of cold, dreary weather. I've missed writing. I've missed the intimacy with Jesus that I find when I pour out life onto a page. There's been a lot of life lately. A lot of color, joy, beauty, and ugliness; the full spectrum of grays translating over into reds and orange and flowing back to yellow and soft hues of blue.
I miss a lot. I miss the students. It was like I was on summer break with them, which is actually kinda cool because I would've never otherwise remembered it was summer. And now fall - or is this fall? Its cold and wet and rainy outside. Kinda reminds me of winter last year... but I digress. And now I just ordered my material for small groups to the correct address (the joys of moving - finally), and those college girls are a joy. Loving them and living life with them is such a blessing; they have no idea. And on top of all the life that God chooses to give, He's blessed me with sweet relationships. Beautiful friendships that I treasure more than I ever realized I would, and friends who build me up in Christ and speak truth to me and with whom I can be completely transparent with no guards up, no walls. It's hard to switch in and out of worlds where no one really has time to see your heart, or understand your passion, or care about deep, below-surface-level community together.
Time. Its the one thing I used to have that does not exist anymore. And as much as I want to blame my job; as much as I want to get so frustrated that my workload gets bigger and bigger, quitting my job would only be a temporary fix, because before I know it, I'll fill my time up again with even more things that don't matter. I'll get really busy for the sake of "ministry," or whatever else it is, and miss my God all over again. So I label my life, place difference pieces as more important, more convenient ways to get to God, and still miss Him.
I am asking myself a lot of hard questions right now, and the journey is beginning to be intentional about taking them before Jesus and in spite of the uncertainty, knowing Him. I want to document this journey, and know that here, in October of 2011, God started the preparation for something bigger, and the vision for something greater than myself.
So please share it. Please know that its a joy and an honor to share this with you. And its a beautiful thing to have community here in Northern Virginia, where God has placed me for such a time as this.
But I ask Him every day, and search for answers every day, and the same activity goes on and on in my head and I look at the people around me every day and wonder what I'm doing here.
Am I really called?
Am I really just miserable in my circumstances right now and looking for a way out, and do I have the audacity to use the excuse of "ministry" as a reason to quit?
Do I really just miss God so much that I think ministry will solve my problems of spending time with him?
Am I so intimidated by what the world thinks of me that I'm really just too scared to face teh disappointed faces?
Am I scared of money, or the lack of it?
How do I know God, what do I do?
How is this time of molding and shaping something He can possibly use to bring Himself glory when I struggle every day to just spend time with Him?
How do I get to know my Jesus better, and love the people I work with, and love the students and be a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, sister, human being, when my life is swallowed by things I', not passionate about?
How can He possibly use that to His glory?
And why won't He just let me quit?
Hard questions. So I write them out and I process them as best I can, and I get back to work. And I drive through traffic every day, stare at a screen, and get back to them later when I have time.
What if I stay so busy to purposefully ignore the answers?
There's comfort in writing. There's comfort in knowing the voice of my God is still here, and His hands are holding me, even though I am the least of these. He has told me so many things lately. I'm learning to say "no" to over-committing myself. I'm learning to wait on Him and trust Him. I'm finding there's a huge difference between knowing God intimately and trusting Him. Intimacy feels safe, its this place of rest in the middle of the storm. Trust happens when the feeling isnt there, and all the comfort in the world can't seem to be found. I think.
He has given me so many words of truth: "I'm preparing you," "Learn to say 'no,'" "Know Me - simply just know Me," and my favorite: "My plans are best for you." He has the best plans for me, and all I have to do is trust that. Let this worry go. Let these fears of failing on so many different fronts be nailed to the cross of my Jesus and simply know Love, know The Way.
How do you become so desparate for Christ, for this massive blanket of supernatural love that you'd give up everything? I think what's worse is getting to that point but having no direction to follow. Give up everything, then what?
Where do I go from there, and why?
He is faithful to me. He is love and rest and peace to me, and He has given me writing as a gift to unwrap all these deep, dark, horrifying questions that I may not want to know the answer to, and one by one, begin to seek Him. Not what He can give me as an answer, but Him.
He is enough. He is the old friend to whom I am returning.
Psalm 107:43 - Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the Lord.
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