Yesterday was a beautiful day. It was hot and the air tasted like summer. There's nothing left behind me to see, and all the joy of going forward exists in the next several months. I'll get to actually go to California with two of my best friends, spend the summer with the youth and college students I love so much and grow closer to the family I have at EBC, as well as move to a place full of back country roads, pick-up trucks, small-town feel, and mountains. Maybe not what I envisioned; better. Something peaceful for now; just what I needed.
And in meditating on the joys of looking ahead, I was just reading in my Bible yesterday about David's looking ahead. It was full of the knowledge of where he had come from and what he would do to bring God praise. And the next Psalm, 72, is just full of anticipation of how God will vindicate and protect those who trust in Him. Full of the future and the joy of living life with a Holy God.
So I'm sitting outside yesterday, mulling over everything in my head about just how God's brought me here to this point and He spoke to me. Which is SO COOL. Because I'm starting to learn more and more how God speaks to me; its in the moments where I've been quiet before Him and humbled and in the midst of falling deeper in love with who He is as my Savior. And its like, in the middle of knowing just how desperate I am for Him to purely live, He hits me with something I needed to know. Something that stays with me and helps me through the rest of the day... In this case, I will remember this my whole life.
A long time ago, back in October, He did the same thing. I was starting to truly understand what it was to follow Christ selflessly, and was realizing there were things in my life that I was clinging to and wanted to maintain along with a relationship with Christ. I wanted my Jesus on my terms, and was really wrestling with what it meant to give that up and live fully in God. So I remember sitting in the sanctuary by myself (like I seem to have done a lot of over the past several months) and asking God the tough questions: if I give this up to you, I'll never ... get married, or have a family, or get to travel everywhere, or have success, get my masters - you name it, I thought that i would lose it if I gave up keeping God at arms' length. And He listened to all my arguing, all my tough questions. I asked Him for the answer to everything, just wanted to have some sort of control over the life that I was losing control of anyway. Clear as day, He told me to trust Him, and that all the questions I was asking about my future: "It's a surprise."
This was especially hard to hear because I'm a planner and an executer. I see something I want, and I work hard to get it. If it doesn't go the way I expected it to go, I make back-up plans and figure out a second-best option. Nothing catches me off-guard, nothing startles me, and I can always tell you the end of the story because I'm the one who made the story happen the way I wanted it to happen in the first place.
Sound selfish? A little? Yeah. This mindset has worked for me until moving to Northern Virginia; I've since watched everything gracefully fall apart. Now I'm in this dark church sanctuary, begging for answers, and I hear, "It's a surprise. Your life's work - well, you'll just be surprised at what you end up doing for Me. Maybe you'll get a masters degree, but it'll be in something I want you to have. Maybe you'll get married. Maybe you know him already, and maybe you don't; but until then, you are Mine. It's all a surprise. So quit planning and just trust me."
So since then, more and more has crumbled into a heap of ashes at the feet of Jesus to get to the point I am now: no plans, no clues, no ideas, and no hint of what could possibly be around the corner. And yesterday, I sat there thinking over this fact, that God does have me where He wants me, and I am blessed to be able to freely love Him and obey Him, and through it all, He will yet be glorified. And in the quiet moment, He spoke to me sweet words that brought more comfort than I could ever imagine: "You will know Me." Through all this, on the lonely days, on the days you have questions, on the days you think you really went wrong, and on the days that you think nothing you do brings me honor, child, you will know Me.
You will know Me. Direct - there was no question I meant Ellen Marie Baumgardner.
You will know Me. It's a promise; a guarantee. Trust it.
You will know Me. Recognize My voice; rejoice in My presence.
You will know Me. The God of the universe; uncomprehendable.
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The voice of God is an undeniable voice that speaks truth that can be trusted. So thankful for the words I heard yesterday, and the journey forward that will bring me closer to my sweet Savior.
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