Prayer for today.

Dear Jesus,

I know if I talk this out, I'm going to be able to process a bit better. 

The focus is on eternity. 

Secret Church - Lord, my heart is for GMU's campus. I've invited people here, but I know the heart is for that school and those students. Please bring them to Secret Church. Please let the emails to the ministries reach those who will then bring their lost friends.

Lord, You could be coming back anyday. I am discouraged so easily by manipulative, deceitful, wicked emotions that are not based on Truth; please fill me with joy and grace and make me a light somehow. Please use me to love these people who need to know so desperately that there's more to their lives than finding a job and surviving and making enough to get by and hoping to one day do better. Lord, open their eyes! Place inside them a yearning and passionate hunger for Truth that won't let them sleep at night, Lord!

Please use me however you want to - humble me down to nothing, if it means these people will see You.

I love you, Jesus. Thank you for forgiving the sins of someone like me.

Come to Secret Church!

Shhh... Tell Everyone!

Be sure to invite folks to our Secret Church event!

Where: George Mason University - Johnson Center (G19)
Time: 7:00 p.m. - 1:00 a.m.
Cost: FREE

Food & coffee will be provided!
Click Here for more information -

Please come out and bring your friends!

Bigger than the boxes

My God is limitless. Sometimes I forget this, and place Him into boxes that I can understand and wrap my head around.

God, if you bring about that answer or do this, I'll be able to make sense of the results. Ill be able to connect the dots and see where we're going. I can predict the next step and mentally prepare.  

But He doesn't work that way. In fact, the path of predictability is displeasing to the Lord.  In Hebrews 11:6, the Bible says the "without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

Faith is believing that God is bigger than my boxes.  If I'm angry, my vengeful prayers that ask for the answers I think make sense are completely lacking in faith.  I rob myself of the joy of knowing a phenomenally huge God, bigger than I can possibly imagine and richer in love than I could ever understand.  If I'm desperate and don't understand the path I'm on, it lacks faith to come to God and demand a way out that would fit into a comfortable life.  It lacks faith to pray for the sensible, human option.  And even if I think my heart is in the right place, if I'm coming to God with a request for something I made up for myself, it does not please God that I think my option could serve me better than His plans. 

My God does exist.  He reigns today and is just as powerful to save as He was all that time ago.  He knows what's best.  He knows the difference between selfish prayers and those prayed in faith. 

God is bigger than my boxes.

 

Next

We live in silos here.  The silence is deafening, and cannot be ignored.  We're all sitting right next to each other, quietly screaming to be heard, yet no one wants to listen.  Does silence frighten you?  Would you really have me believe that all you want is for everyone to leave you alone?  What do you need to prove, as if to say you're above it all?  

Mistakes have been made and they've scattered your team.  We're all scrambling to figure out where we're going from here and you remain silent.  I don't know how to respond to the jokes that aren't funny.  I don't know how to keep praying for wrong to be made right when everything is just swept under the rug. 

Chapters need to close.  Hearts need to soften.  The castle you've built is beginning to crumble and we're all watching.  It's empty here, don't you feel it? The life has left and we're starving slowly.  I'm not horrified, but others are.  They are in my prayers, as are you.  Can we start over?  Is it too late?  Did you already sell your soul to money and we're paying the consequences?

God is not done with you.  The silent screams can be heard from the heavens, and He knows every thought running through your head.  He knows the schemes of those whose desires are for your detriment, and He knows the hearts of those who will forever be grateful for your tenacity and ingenuity.  I'm praying that He will open your eyes and give you the grace and humility to deal with the difficult roads that lie ahead, because there's nothing else I can do.

To pin all this down onto a single sheet of paper; to capture all the whirling fears and uncertainties and put them in a box to analyze and understand would be impossible. All I can do is pray that you are given the wisdom and discernment to make hard, yet moral decisions. I can be cut and survive. My chapter here closes at His discretion, but you're the hand He'll use to write the last sentence.

The Coin

Work. 

Wow. 

To sit and recount all the ways the Lord has turned work around would be so much. 

But I'll try.

There was a time when I really wanted this job; when I talked about moving up, getting a Masters degree in public policy, becoming an analyst.  I told them that's what I wanted when I interviewed, because I did.  I researched the day away, and tried my best to look into the porgams that I thought would move me forward.  I applied for a Master's degree in Communications from Ithaca College in New York.  Strangely enough, I got into the program not only quickly, but with scholarship money.  I thought extensively about saving to get my TESOL to teach English overseas.  I could just get out of the US for a while and be a "missionary," but surely it would be on my own terms - I could see the world if I wanted, but see it as one of the regular people, not as a rich tourist.  I had dreams of eventually working in Washington, perhaps on K Street with a lobbying firm.  I was beginning those connections and thought I still had the whole world of Ellen & Jesus at my fingertips.  I could do whatever I wanted and God would bless it - You're welcome, Lord. 

I was not bold for Him.  I never shared my faith, and the "Amazing Grace" tattoo was brushed over when people asked me about it.  I was stale and worried about getting everything I could out of the world while simultaneously trying to please everyone.  I wanted to please my boyfriend at the time; I wanted to please my employer and those around me; I wanted to be as impressive as possible b/c I didn't have the money or the last name recognition to get ahead.  I was all up to me.  I was the Ellen show, and I was going to make it on my own terms somehow.  Jesus was going to fit into my plans, and I would somehow become one of those famous Christians who had a large platform to casually mention His name and get interviews by Focus on the Family and other Christian companies.  We'd all feel good about our general knowledge of Jesus, and we'd give each other friendly nods in Board meetings and we'd be content with our lukewarm walks and continue to make impacts in our own worlds that die as quickly as we do. 

Nothing eternal.  This plan was full of flaws -  I see them now - but I wasn't willing to admit them fully until Passion 2011.  I remember writing journal and blog entries about my Babylon, and the potential I worshiped, as well as the relationships I knew were wrong yet was unwilling to let go.  At Passion, I released dreams of power (or so I thought) and surrendered to Jesus all rights to my future.  I had no plan, which was terrifying.  I've always had a plan - I've always lived my life according to my rules and fit Jesus in on the side.  I am never without organization, efficiency, and some sort of explanation.  Suddenly, trusting Jesus with my future demanded I give Him the reigns and accept whatever plans He had.

That ended up meaning several things for me.  The tension of "being something" at work eased a lot.  I was able to actually do my job better, get to know co-workers on a genuine level, and not fill my time with worry about the "next step."  It also meant losing some relationships, and letting go of the idea of making it big in DC.  I didn't end up going overseas to teach English - that would have been because of a selfish perogative, not because I was called.  And I fell deeply in love with ministry and the community of people who became my family in Nova at Emmanuel Baptist Church. 

The internship was, at first, something I didn't think I'd do.  How could I commit time to an internship in Manassas while living in Arlington?  How could I work a full-time job and passionately allow my heart to get so caught up in the student ministry at church?  The Lord made it clear that He would take care of me if I took that leap of faith and jumped, so at the end of May, I signed a lease for an apartment in Manassas, took the internship, and began spending all my evenings in Manassas.  The Lord attached my heart to several of the students in that ministry, and through discipling and loving on them, He called me to Himself and to ministy. 

Since that summer - that rich, intimate, powerful summer - my life has never been the same.  Sometimes I let myself sink into the depth of those days, when I got out of bed only to leave work and be with the students - when the love of my God healed me from all the broken dreams I planned for myself, and He soothed me by giving me a deep, rich call to ministry.  I remember the days when the sun stayed out forever and friends from church would gather on my back porch and we'd grill and dream together of what ministry could be.  When the Lord calls, He gives us shades of color to attach to our memories, and those summer of 2011 days are the brightest yellows, lightest blues, warm browns.  Joy is attached to those days, and immense peace in knowing that my Jesus set me free and created me to be in Manassas at that time for that purpose. 

It feels like I have to rip my head out of heaven to go from the summer internship to talking about work, but even work was better then.  The days were steady, but allowed me to leave in the summer around 4:30.  I would go out and drive down 66, chasing the sun back to Manassas.  I could've stayed there forever, complacent and content in my Jesus and the call to be with the students. 

Praise the Lord for never allowing us to remain comfortable.  Praise God for always continually drawing us closer to Him, and for removing our idols, even when they seem to be good things.  Ministry became an idol to me, and it was something I was starting to do and trust on my own strength.  Work picked up in the fall and the long days started.  I tried to do both, but always letting ministry and relationships with the students slip through the cracks for the sake of making a paycheck.  I became resentful of the long hours, when the truth was that I could easily stop them by simply saying "enough is enough."  At this point, the Lord had blessed me with a relationship with Brandon, and my heart was already changing to desire him and dream about the church plant with him.  I selfishly wanted to keep doing everything I was doing in the summer.  As the seasons changed, I should've too, and surrendered everything back to the God who gave me the gift of ministry in the first place.  But I clung to it all, thinking I could handle it.

Work actually started to slip a little.  My boss asked me if everything was ok in October; he said I looked a little unhappy here.  I said that everything was fine; I didn't speak up about not caring about politics and policy anymore.  I figured I could keep sucking it up and seeing if there was a way out.  I remember that fall - Sep - November-ish timeframe - just being miserable at work.  I worked all the time, putting my small groups and Brandon on the backburner many times for the sake of staying late at the office.  I thought I could handle it, and thought the problem was my job.  I hated the worklife balance, I grew resentful of the people who worked 60-70 hours a week, I stressed that I wasn't good enough, and I wanted to switch to a job where I wouldn't feel as much pressure.  I was on job search sites daily, but really, my question to God was pretty much the same: "God, if you've called me into ministry, why won't you give me a full-time ministry job?"  I didn't get why He was keeping me stuck at work, and I resented the office more and more everyday. 

I tried to make ministry jobs happen for myself.  I applied to a job through a college campus ministry called CCO.  I looked at youth director jobs throughout churches in Virginia.  Nothing seemed to fit, and the Lord kept leading me back to His answer: "Wait."  Wait for what??!  How am I supposed to serve you, Lord, if I'm stuck in an office that steals my time away from ministry? 

I just want to pause for a moment and say, in retro-spect, I was doing ministry terribly.  The truth is, work stole my time away from what I wanted ministry to be for me, on my terms again. When I look back, I was neglecting the relationships God had given me, and I was trying to do too much because I thought I could handle it on my own.  No amount of spiritual growth is ever attributable to my efforts, and if God did anything to grow those girls during this past semester, it was because He is merciful and chose to intercede and work through me despite my best efforts to limit Him.  I could've left work at 4:30 every day.  I could've said "no" to taking on different tasks, but I chose to say "yes."  I could've put Brandon as my main priority after the Lord and started scaling back, but I chose to trust in my own strength.  I'm now seeing the consequences of taking on too much, and I would never suggest it to anyone.  Fix your eyes on Jesus, love your spouse and family, and continually surrender your ministry to Him, as He has the power to give and take away as He pleases.

Finally, in November, after Brandon and I were engaged, I applied to another job within the company for the sake of finding a better worklife balance.  I knew the Lord had lead Brandon and I to marriage and to church planting, and I didn't see how I could keep working the hours that I was and be a good helper. 

My boss called me into his office to discuss this new job application, and we had a conversation that I'll never forget.  I have a lot of respect for him, and I didn't want to continue keeping him in the dark about my call to ministry.  So, closing my eyes and breathing deeply,  I heard him ask me what I'd be doing if I could do any job in the world.

This is it, I thought.  Lord, please give me the words.   

"Well Sir, I actually used to really want to do public policy and be an analyst, but since working with our church's youth group this summer, I really feel called to full-time ministry.  So if I could do anything, that's what I'd be doing."

I just lost my job.

He's laughing.  I really did just lose me job.

So I don't really remember much else, but I know my boss looked at me and smiled, noting that sometimes, our plans get changed there's nothing wrong with that.  He told me that he couldn't give me ministry, but he could give me our non-profit that does a lot of work with veterans.  That work, up to that point, was my favorite part of the job, but it was all on a "volunteer" basis.  He said now, my hours would be adjusted such that 50% of my time is billed to the non-profit, and I would be in charge of our internship program.

I went home that day, told Brandon, completely in awe of Jesus.  If I couldn't be in ministry, the Lord had just clearly told me to stay at that office.  Not only that, but He had given me work that I enjoyed doing!  The Lord took the plans I had for that office and turned them into a gift from Him.  Slowly but surely, things started to change. 

I told people at my office that my husband and I were planting a church.  Brandon and I left Emmanuel, and the ministries I had tried so hard to uphold on my own fell off, and what was left were the relationships He wanted me to maintain.  I learned the importance of placing Christ at my center and placing Brandon and our marriage as my #2 priority.  I left work at 4:30 everyday and while at work, didn't waste time on other job sites; the Lord had clearly affirmed that was where I needed to be.  God turned my heart from resenting the office to seeing it as a mission field - these are the people of Fairfax County who need to be reaching by Jesus' love.  They are the ones who don't know they don't have to be good enough.  They are the ones who need healing from the lies of money and power.  They are the ones who have sacrificed relationships and family for succes; who live well on the outside but hurt on the inside.  In the past, I would've looked at them and either wanted their approval to move into their world or desired to run as far opposite away from Northern Virginia as possible and live a simpler life somewhere less rushed, less busy.  Now, after much prayer and surrender, He has allowed me to see Northern Virginia and my office as a place to share the gospel.  He has given me a burden for the people I work with to know Him, and it is not impossible to believe that every single person here can hear the gospel before I'm called out.

So when I recently got recognition for the work I'd done with the non-profit, I chuckled to myself.  The coin was a nice gesture, and the people giving it to me genuinely believed I deserved it.  The truth is I originally wanted out, told my boss I felt called to ministry, he said I can't give you that but I can give you our non-profit, and I started working less hours.  In no way, shape, or form, did I do anything intentionally to gain recognition, and that coin is a gift from the Lord to affirm that surrender to Him is always the best plan.  I have been able to share the gospel with some of the folks I work with.  I am praying for them, and for boldness and more opportunities.  I am not scared to defend my faith here at work, and I know that as He gives His favor, He can just as easily take away the favor of man.  My dignity and pride is not worth clinging to if I can't have Jesus.  This coin belongs to Him.  It is dedicated to the Lord who wove this story of unpredicatable proportions together, and who can take this job, this call, this life, away with just one word. 

Lord, let the coin be a conversation piece to point people to You and the demonstrate the changes You made in my life.  Give yourself glory through it, and take me away entirely.  I love you, Jesus; thank you for changing my life.  I lay the coin at Your feet - do with it as You please.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Acts Ch. 2 Church

Acts Chapter 2 - Notes

They were gathering together in one place; They were filled with the Holy Spirit; Some who heard the gospel were amazed and perplexed; some made fun of them; Acts 2:21 - Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved; God deliberately handed Jesus to wicked men to die; Repent of sin, claim Jesus' Blood as your defense, be baptized, receive the Holy Spirit; Jesus will save you from the corruption of the day; 3,000 were added to their number that day; Devotion to teaching, fellowship, sharing meals, and prayer; Gave to each other freely to meet each others' needs; The Lord added to their numbers daily those who were being saved.

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So today I read Acts Chapter 2.  Inspirational; one of those chapters that makes me proud to be a Christian, and excited that the Lord could still do those things through us today.   But the key word is "could."  I feel like so many times, I am thrilled at the thought that my God was powerful enough to do these things then, and the early Christian church was able to experience such community with each other then.  That's my Christian heritage.

But it begs the question: what happened?  Can we, in Northern Virginia, have that now?  Brandon and I are living in a cul de sac and don't know all our neighbors.  It's socially acceptable in Nova to live in a silo where work becomes community - church is placed in a category that serves to "do good," and make everyone feel better about themselves.  There's no conviction to repent of sin and from that repentence, change your life to give sacrificially for the Body of Christ. 

Can we live in biblical community in Northern Virginia?

I believe, absolutely, that we can.  Our God is still the same God now as He was when the first church formed.  He is still the loving Father who draws me to my knees to turn from my sin and follow Him.  He's still the friend who sticks closer than a brother, and He is yet Almighty God, the Lord of Heaven's Armies.  He is the one who convicts hearts to turn to Him and its the blood of His Son, Jesus, that stands in my defense.  My sins are forgiven and I never have to use church to feel good about myself.  I never have to try to be good enough or out-do the other guy.  I am a new creation, and my identity is a child of God.

Therefore, I will pray hard for the Acts 2 Church to happen in Northern Virginia.  I will pray with passion and hope that the Lord will place in men and women a desire to know forgiveness for their sin, and the freedom that comes from never having to guess how good they have to be to earn the Love of God.  I will pray that this region becomes an area known for its repentant and humble spirit.  I will pray that we turn to our Lord and never lean on our own understanding, in good times and bad.  I will pray for Biblical community to occur when we give freely of our resources in the name of Jesus Christ, that we celebrate the new creations we become when we know forgiveness of our sins and the powerful movement of the Holy Spirit.  I will pray that the Lord will add to the church's number those who are new converts to the gospel - not those who are dissatisfied with a current worship experience or those who simply want church to be a traditional Sunday routine.  He can break the power of tradition, as He broke the Jews' expenctations of religion in Acts by freeing them from the law.  He can do the same thing in Northern Virginia, and it starts here and now. 

There will be those who receive the message and are greatly perplexed and amazed; there will also be those who make fun of it and turn away from Jesus' blood.  I will pray that I would unashamedly claim Christ, despite the fact that I may lose friendships, relationships, a job, or dignity.  Jesus forgave my sins and gave me grace to live life for Him.  I am new and clean.  I am no longer a liar, a manipulator, a back-stabber, a betrayor, an insecure attention-seeker, or a prideful, selfish wretch.  I am a daughter of the King of Kings.

Praise God for all He has done and all He has yet to do.  

New year

Wow.  So this is the new year. 

I'm married to the love of my life, my best friend, and my hero... Brandon.  Never in a million years thought that would happen.

We're living in Centreville, and God has lead us to plant a church.  Brandon is a pastor, and I am on staff at a non-profit in Fairfax.  We literally don't know how we're supposed to do this, but trusting the Lord and leaning on His promises.

This is it.  This is what it means to take huge steps of faith and know the Lord through it all.

I'm excited; thanks for reading!  More to come soon.

Dealing with Restlessness

Please God, call me out.  What am I doing here?  My heart is not here; my passion for ministry is elsewhere.  Please give me and opportunity to tell him where my heart is.  Please help them let me go.  Please provide a way into ministry, where this is no longer something that seems confusing.  Do I even have the right to ask you that?  I desire you.  I desire your will for my life.  I desire your provision, and Lord, all I want to do is be yours.

Lord, specifically:
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
Psalm 143
1Hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my plea!
Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
² Don’t put your servant on trial,
for no one is innocent before you.
³ My enemy has chased me.
He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
⁴ I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
⁵ I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
⁶ I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
Interlude
⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

Giving up the American Dream

Yesterday was a hard day.  For one, I wasn't really feeling well.  I got to leave work a little early and just relax, which was nice, but more than the physical sickness, I couldn't find a way to turn my thoughts off.

Do you ever have days like that?  Where you run through every possibility open to you and you worship them?  You idolize the options and you bare you soul to the idea that you can be anything and in that exposure to everything the world offers, you miss God?  Entirely?  My heart ached for Him yesterday, b/c I spent the entire day prostituting myself to the ideas man plants into my mind: 


Be anything.  Find job security.  Make yourself better, more marketable.  Get certified in something, anything, and run with it.  You'll need it later.  You're young, you're gonna do great things, kid.  Except you'll only do great things if you follow a certain path - there's a one-way street, and it has everything to do with picking the right grad school, choosing the right certification program, getting into the right meetings and knowing the right people.

All. Day. Long.

It's pounded into me here, and yesterday, it got to me.  I looked at every option I could, and examined all the different possibilities to keep myself "safe."  Financially provided for.  There's no faith in that, there's no leaning on the Eternal God and there's no reason to trust Him if I have it all figured out.

Tell that to me yesterday.

I was on all sorts of websites, trying to find the way out.  God, help me help you.  You want me to serve you, and you've got me stuck here, so I might as well make the most of it, right?  Might as well learn network admin, or web development, or something that will make me more appreciated here than just being a receptionist... Ego?  Maybe that's what caused it?  Pride?  Definitely pride.  Because at the root of the whole epidose of worry yesterday was the fact that I crave control over my destiny, and I don't simply let go and trust.  I desire to steer myself towards what the world finds satisfactory and hope that God approves and can then take my efforts and use them.  These are leftovers - efforts remaining from a heart too scared/selfish/prideful/sinful to give up and choose Him in the first place.  They are leftovers and they are sin.


So I leave work yesterday just, restless.  I have to keep from being a failure, I have to keep my head above water, I have to figure out how to make this job work according to the Lord's plans.  I have to...

Control has always been an issue for me.  In relationships, I had no idea how to let a godly man lead.  I had no idea how to be pursued.  I had no idea how to trust that the failure of my plans did not mean God was through with me, but really trying to show me something better. 


So last night, I'm just frustrated.  I can't figure out how to reconcile dreams from the Lord with plans from a worldly mindset.  I try to compare the two, make them work with each other and its like combining oil and water - they won't mix. 


So I quit trying. 
Praise the Lamb who chose me when He could've walked off the cross. 
And as soon as I gave up, He gave me these verses to cling to as truth:
Proverbs 3:5-7
⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
⁷ Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.

I surrendered the struggle to figure it out.  I quit trying.  People have been telling me to quit trying for so long, but I never got it; I never understood until last night. 

I am free from the fear the world places in me of not being an "accomplished individual," and I am not responsible for planning my way into ministry.  I am responsible for trusting my Savior, whose love endures forever, to open the doors He chooses to open, and in the mean time, live for Him.  I am responsible for letting go of control.  So what if I don't have marketable skills that will carry me throughout the rest of a career?  God is guiding everything, and the wisdom I try to find in my own strength is foolishness.  My understanding (aka, my control over my future career just b/c someone tells me I have to be somebody) is flawed with sin, and breaks the heart of a Holy God.  So I trust Him.  I trust His timing and I trust His leading to keep me here for now.  I trust the doors He will open in the future, but it's not my job to actively seek those doors.

I literally can't describe to you the joy and the relief of finally understanding that I had the freedom to surrender that fight.  I have the freedom to be impoverished for the sake of the gospel; that others may know Him and never once worry about the perception of the world.  I don't have to fit into an "American Dream" mold; I don't have to trust in my own abilities to weather these tough economic times, and I don't have to lose sleep anymore wondering what the next step is going to be!  I'm free to be His, and for now, He's freed me of my own understanding!  He's shown me that attempts to control my life are rooted in sin and I should shun them.  The Bible says to shun all evil, fear the Lord, and never once to trust yourself. 

This is freedom - that my Jesus, my Savior whose love I don't deserve, not only rescues me from my sin on a daily basis, but gives me the beautiful gift of faith to believe His Word.  I wholeheartedly believe that my life is about to take turns that require extraordinary trust in Jesus, and its critical that I learn now to never lean on my own understanding, especially for such concerns as financial security.  Its critical I acknowledge that my desire to plan, control, etc is in direct conflict with God's dreams and my schemes are evil.  His dreams are good.  The clarity from letting go and accepting Christ as the leader of your "American Dream" is awesome, but it's a struggle.  We're engrained to trust in ourselves as Americans, and letting God take over only when we seem to lack control.  What if we lacked control over it all, and God was allowed to take over everything?

He took over that struggle for me last night, and I just wanted to share how freeing it is.  How beautiful.  He can't direct your paths if you're trusting in your own abilities; give up.  It's so, so good.

Marshall

How do you define vision?  Heck if I know.  All I know is I've been praying for it and when it comes, its like a flood from the Lord who wants us to follow Him. 

"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:17-18

"Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" Matthew 19:21

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

The command is clear: Care for the poor.  "Jesus never healed half-way" (Marshall said that - I'll get to him in a moment).  So why, WHY do I think that ministry can't be all-encompassing, and why do I not find more opportunities to serve?  Why am I so content to follow someone else's vision that really has no bearing on my calling in life? 

No more settling.  Praying for more flooding.  Make it obvious there's more and the calling is elsewhere, not here.  Easy to leave.  Easy to uproot and easy to look people in the eye and tell them the truth - that I'm called to something else.

Praying for help.  Have no clue where to begin.  Jireh.  That place next to it is for lease.  Practical beginnings: ask for donations - college kids can paint the place, make it look modern and inviting.  Shelter?  Definitely a food pantry.  Babysitting for moms who need to work and can't afford it?  College kids who have random slots of time in their schedule?  Just come by and be available.  Teach the children the gospel as their moms work.  Serve the mothers who could never otherwise afford it.    Feed the children; give them spritual building blocks for thier lives. 

Need help.  Need prayer.  Need donations.  Need the Lord to empty me completely of myself.  I need Him.  Desperately.  How do you follow a massive dream? 

Lord, if you so desire, and if this is from you, then rush over me with peace (as only a flood can) and send people who can help, who have a heart for the same things.  Who can affirm your call.  Send people who have the vision to serve and care for the poor, widows, and orphans.  Convict me of the selfishness that prevented You from working for so long.  Thank you for Marshall, for Katie, for Fairfax, VA. 

Take the dream and change it into whatever You choose.  Hold me and I pursue You.  Lord, please send your presence as enough.  Psalm 114 says your presence is to be greatly feared, and to think that presence lives in me... Who am I?  Humbled.

Send peace, dear Father.  Send suffiency so its a miracle for which You are praised.  Make it OBVIOUS that You had to deliver.  Make it Yours.  Take me away and make it all Yours, Lord.  Bring forth dreamers who can change the world for You, too. 

God, please send the courage that enabled David to kill a giant.  That courage exists only from the God who is mighty to save and completely faithful.  Whole.  Entirely sufficient to meet needs as I follow your commands.  Faithful.  Trustworthy.  Dear God, I'm giving this back to You, and simply praying for You to affirm and to guide.

and Marshall.

Lord, he knows more about life than I ever will.  Deliver him from chains - break Satan.  Smash Satan.  Rip Satan away and hold Marshall through the questions, the withdrawal, the insecurity.  Lord, for your Glory and Fame, set a captive free to serve You with his entire being. 

You are Power and Might and Majesty and You deserve all the Honor and Glory forever and ever.  Come back soon, please God. 

I love You.

Old Friend - Intro

Part One - For the sake of accountability, I'm going to try to update this every Saturday with the journey to better know Him through asking these hard questions.  Praying for Truth, every moment of every day.

I feel like I'm coming home to an old friend with open arms, somone peaceful and calm in the middle of cold, dreary weather.  I've missed writing.  I've missed the intimacy with Jesus that I find when I pour out life onto a page.  There's been a lot of life lately.  A lot of color, joy, beauty, and ugliness; the full spectrum of grays translating over into reds and orange and flowing back to yellow and soft hues of blue. 

I miss a lot.  I miss the students.  It was like I was on summer break with them, which is actually kinda cool because I would've never otherwise remembered it was summer.  And now fall - or is this fall?  Its cold and wet and rainy outside.  Kinda reminds me of winter last year... but I digress.  And now I just ordered my material for small groups to the correct address (the joys of moving - finally), and those college girls are a joy.  Loving them and living life with them is such a blessing; they have no idea.  And on top of all the life that God chooses to give, He's blessed me with sweet relationships.  Beautiful friendships that I treasure more than I ever realized I would, and friends who build me up in Christ and speak truth to me and with whom I can be completely transparent with no guards up, no walls.  It's hard to switch in and out of worlds where no one really has time to see your heart, or understand your passion, or care about deep, below-surface-level community together. 

Time.  Its the one thing I used to have that does not exist anymore.  And as much as I want to blame my job; as much as I want to get so frustrated that my workload gets bigger and bigger, quitting my job would only be a temporary fix, because before I know it, I'll fill my time up again with even more things that don't matter.  I'll get really busy for the sake of "ministry," or whatever else it is, and miss my God all over again.  So I label my life, place difference pieces as more important, more convenient ways to get to God, and still miss Him. 

I am asking myself a lot of hard questions right now, and the journey is beginning to be intentional about taking them before Jesus and in spite of the uncertainty, knowing Him.  I want to document this journey, and know that here, in October of 2011, God started the preparation for something bigger, and the vision for something greater than myself. 

So please share it.  Please know that its a joy and an honor to share this with you.  And its a beautiful thing to have community here in Northern Virginia, where God has placed me for such a time as this. 

But I ask Him every day, and search for answers every day, and the same activity goes on and on in my head and I look at the people around me every day and wonder what I'm doing here. 
Am I really called? 
Am I really just miserable in my circumstances right now and looking for a way out, and do I have the audacity to use the excuse of "ministry" as a reason to quit? 
Do I really just miss God so much that I think ministry will solve my problems of spending time with him? 
Am I so intimidated by what the world thinks of me that I'm really just too scared to face teh disappointed faces? 
Am I scared of money, or the lack of it? 
How do I know God, what do I do? 
How is this time of molding and shaping something He can possibly use to bring Himself glory when I struggle every day to just spend time with Him? 
How do I get to know my Jesus better, and love the people I work with, and love the students and be a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, sister, human being, when my life is swallowed by things I', not passionate about? 
How can He possibly use that to His glory? 
And why won't He just let me quit?

Hard questions.  So I write them out and I process them as best I can, and I get back to work.  And I drive through traffic every day, stare at a screen, and get back to them later when I have time. 

What if I stay so busy to purposefully ignore the answers? 

There's comfort in writing.  There's comfort in knowing the voice of my God is still here, and His hands are holding me, even though I am the least of these.  He has told me so many things lately.  I'm learning to say "no" to over-committing myself.  I'm learning to wait on Him and trust Him. I'm finding there's a huge difference between knowing God intimately and trusting Him.  Intimacy feels safe, its this place of rest in the middle of the storm.  Trust happens when the feeling isnt there, and all the comfort in the world can't seem to be found.  I think.

He has given me so many words of truth: "I'm preparing you," "Learn to say 'no,'" "Know Me - simply just know Me," and my favorite: "My plans are best for you."  He has the best plans for me, and all I have to do is trust that.  Let this worry go.  Let these fears of failing on so many different fronts be nailed to the cross of my Jesus and simply know Love, know The Way. 

How do you become so desparate for Christ, for this massive blanket of supernatural love that you'd give up everything?  I think what's worse is getting to that point but having no direction to follow.  Give up everything, then what? 
Where do I go from there, and why? 

He is faithful to me.  He is love and rest and peace to me, and He has given me writing as a gift to unwrap all these deep, dark, horrifying questions that I may not want to know the answer to, and one by one, begin to seek Him.  Not what He can give me as an answer, but Him. 

He is enough.  He is the old friend to whom I am returning.

Psalm 107:43 - Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the Lord.

Confessions

So I suck - completely.
 
Run-down of my days:
Include work - getting up at 5:50 to get ready for the day, fight traffic, and be in the office around 7:45.  All day.  Usually eat lunch at my desk, no big deal, it happens, stuff's gotta get done.  Get off work and I briefly entertain the thought of going for a run before hanging out with students.  Because if I'm honest, at any moment of the day, I'd always rather spend it with students - high school or college.  Over work, exercise, reading, sleeping, eating, dating, whatever - I'd rather build relationships and love on the amazing students God has placed in my life.  And there's joy in that b/c I was created to make disciples.

But I'm empty.  I'm so freaking depleted and there's not much left to pour out when I'm not letting God pour into me.  And the time, even doing ministry, selfishly becomes mine all over again when I have nothing to offer from b/c I'm not spending time with Him in the first place.  And I'm so disgusted with myself.  I know this.  He isn't going to try to convince me to give up my time to Him; it should just be something I do because I love my Father.  But I don't.

No, I work.  A lot.  And I drown myself in thoughts of "maybe I can still do both," and maybe one day I'll just be "Corporate Ellen" and these ideas penetrate my drives home and all I do is wonder and I act on nothing and my time is still attacked and I'm still running on empty. 

The bottomline is I miss Jesus.  I'm angry that I allow the time to become my time and its wasted away for things other than ministry and I tell myself I'd give this all up in a moment if God called me out of it.  That would be so awesome.  Perfect.  Would make it so much easier to grow in Him, be His, have time for Him, etc.  Right?  Maybe? 

Maybe not.  I can't even give Him time now, so what makes me think it'll get better just because the title changes to something to do with ministry?  Who am I fooling?  I suck; I let my time slip away and call it God's when the reality is it's totally mine and I'm selfish and foolish, thinking I have something to offer.  There's no one to blame but myself.  Nowhere to point the finger but towards my own selfishness. 

I know this:

1.  Jesus has called me to follow Him selflessly and make disciples.  Right now, its convenient to do ministry with my job and b/c its convenient, its becoming easier and easier to stay settled in that situation and not ask God to grow.  Not ask Him to stretch my faith to something uncomfortable again b/c seriously, I just got comfortable and everything is so easy right now.  I call ministry mine and forget it was His in the first place.
2.  I suck at spending time with Him.  I'm too selfish with my schedule and I'm getting burnt out.
3.  I still flirt with my future being something other than what He intended for me.  MPA.  MBA.  GREs.  Grad school options everywhere.  Imagining possibilities provides an escape sometimes and it leads to dangerous roads that bring Him zero honor and glory whatsoever.
4.  I'm terrified that I'm stuck here in this complacency and I'll drown in it; I can't shake that terror, but I let it linger; control it, box it up, give it a name, tame it so I can at least understand it and not let it control me.  Rationalize my reason for remaining complacent.

The reality is, I have been praying for an open door and it's been sitting in my inbox.  And I know it and I've let it lie and finally, God's bringing me to this point where repentence and filthy rags are all I have to offer and there is literally no point in waiting around anymore.  None.  I have nothing to lose, because all the faith I can muster has only served to open my eyes to how wasteful I am with my time and how empty I am without Christ and I can't fix that without Him.  All I can do is turn to Him.  All I can do is ask for help.  B/c I sure can't quit complacency on my own.  And trusting Him is only going to bring me closer to His plans.  That's all I wanted in the first place, back when I didn't have anything going for me then, either.  Nothing's changed, I just allow myself to think it has.

I worship my time, and the options I have to spend my time on.  I worship the idea of freedom, and relish the fact that if I really wanted to, I can pick up and leave and go anywhere.  I worship my potential and the flattery of the world to tell me what my potential is. 

I worship me and call it "ministry."  I worship me and call it "time for God."  I worship me and call it my blog, my facebook, twitter, "outreach."  I worship me and call it a job that allows me to still do ministry on the side when in reality I have no freaking idea what surrender can be because I still worship myself.

Praise God for Jesus.  And everything He is.  Past, Present, Future.  His example.  His walk and His love. 

Matthew 4.1-11.

Nothing to lose.   

College Senior

I don't know how you'll respond to this, but it needs to be said. It's been on my heart for a while.

We've all made mistakes, right? No one's perfect. No one's better than anyone else, so from the get-go, I'm acknowledging that this letter is coming from a heart of personal experience. I don't want you to learn these lessons the way I did, so don't think, please, for one moment, that there's judgement here, ok?

But look. Can I just say... What the hell happened to you? Don't you remember when you were on fire, ON FIRE, for theLord? Don't you remember the days when you would call me out on everything in such a loving way? Don't you know that person still exists somewhere; there's a girl with blind faith in God who knows the redeeming power of Jesus Christ in such a beautiful, innocent way so WHAT HAPPENED?! Where did you go?! Where is the boldness and the fearlessness that made people turn their heads and wonder about you?

You're so beautiful. So talented. I look at you and I see one of the smartest people I've ever met. Literally. You got the brains of the family and I'm looking forward to the day when I can call you and ask you for money because you're the responsible one who will end up taking care of all of us one day. (Don't worry, I won't totally mooch off you. Just kind of :) ) But you are so rich in talent. You paint effortlessly and see beauty and art everywhere. You have a heart for those who can't help themselves and you are tender and loving towards people who others don't seem to understand. And you're so beautiful. I remember being so jealous of you because one day, you woke up taller than me - so grown up and lovely, and that never changed. You were the one that had to grow up too fast and accept life as completely unfair at an even earlier age than I did, and I wish more than anything that I could change that. I wish I could have you here with me and tell you that life turned out well, and God's hand never moved from our lives and His plans are still becoming realities, even as we speak.

So I'm led into this: don't turn away. You know right from wrong, and you have a moral compass that is not of your own making, but from your God. Don't flick Him off. Don't look at your life and all He's brought you through and say that one little guilty pleasure is worth missing the most amazing relationship of your entire life. Your life is in such a crucial place; you're about to get everything you've ever worked for, and sweetheart, you've worked so hard. You've built so much and you're abilities to lead and positively influence others are not lost on anyone. They're there and its obvious. And your talent and your capacity to just look at problems and solve them is incredible and could it be that God gave you these amazing gifts for you to completely break down walls that ordinary, everyday human beings like me are never really going to be able to breach? You're freaking off the charts and you're about to throw it away so I'm begging you, I'm BEGGING you, please wake up and remember that your God didn't die for you to just have Him when its convenient for you and to let you pick Him back up when you're done with these favorite sins that will RUIN you. They'll destroy you if you don't turn away and give it all up to your Father.

I don't get it. You were always the one telling me not to waste my time with guys who didn't love the Lord and YOU WATCHED ME break because of those mistakes and YOU WATCHED as those relationships dragged my heart over jagged rocks and I guess I just don't understand how you could sit there with front-row seats to that horror show throughout high school and college and still think you can play with that same fire. Where did that voice of reason go? You're not safe, you can't just play with the devil and come away unscathed; his games are going to leave you broken and what I don't understand is how you watched it happen - and not just to me. To your other friends and relatives and you are still there in the middle of it all. Quit lying and hiding and pushing that sin to the backburner and dealing with it later. You're not winning this one. You're settling and you're going to be stuck and the devil is laughing his head off because he will permanently cripple whatever plans God had for you in the first place. YOU ARE LETTING HIM WIN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!! DOESN'T THAT PISS YOU OFF?!!

Because it infuritates me. You're not the type to settle, and you, of all people, were not created to fail. But you are going to fail if you keep Jesus as your security blanket and continue your favorite little sins on the side. Because they're not little at all. They equate to the death your allowing to destroy your testimony, your walk, and your potential for Christ. Death is swallowing you whole and you freaking know it and you're letting it happen and I love you, I LOVE YOU too much for you to just sit away and pretend to not care.

I love you. I messed up too. And guess what? He redeemed me and God won. And now He's using my story to somehow bring Himself glory. He can do that for you too because NOTHING is beyond redemption. Nothing. It's never too late for you to give up and trust Him. It'll be raw and painful and really hard but it will be worth it. Oh, I promise Jesus is worth losing that familiarity and comfort zone for. Death is not worth it. You're not growing in Him. You should be, but you're not. You're dying away from Him, separated by this one comfortable sin you refuse to give up. So give up, please, I'm begging you to give up and come back and know the depth of your Savior's love and redemptive power. He gives better gifts than we could create or imagine for ourselves.

There's a man out there who will lead you to Christ and guard your heart and honor you and you won't be able to believe what it is you've been missing all this time; that God could create a man so perfect for you, so amazing that he is all the things you never even knew you needed.

Godly men exist. I promise.

I love you so, so much. I wrote a lot, but it's because you are so much more important to me than just an afterthought. This is all I've been wanting to say for a long time, and I hope I said it lovingly. Maybe I'm angry, but its only because there's deception lurking and I want to rip the blindfold off your eyes, but I can't be the one to do that. I can tell you how I ripped my own blindfold off and have never been the same, but you already know that.

You know that. I want you to live, not settle. Not die.

So all I can do is tell you my heart and that I love you and want you to know Him.

Good luck with everything this year.

Psalm 119:33-40

God is not silent.  He gives hope right when I think there is none. 

When the murkiness of my own mind begins to cloud everything He's proven to be true, He takes His words and wipes some of the dirt from my window so I can begin to see clearly that there's light outside, not a world of cobwebs where I live as a shadow.

He holds my hand when I come to Him needy, and lets me rant and rave about everything that doesn't matter.  He gently places me on the ground and stands up to show me just how big He is and how small I am.

I am nothing.

He is Lord.

And then, in His majesty, He kneels down to me again, a child, and yet seeks after me to cleanse my heart of the impure motives in coming to Him.

Oh, Ellen, you want something from me?  You want an answer, a distinct sign?  You desire some tangible product from my bounty, so you come to me with this worshipful facade and expect me to be fooled and find you good enough to give a reward to?

Such a fool.  Do you, child, still not understand who I am?  Do you not understand grace?  You live your life as though you need answers to survive, when really, every question has been answered for eternity through my salvation. 

So I sit at the feet of this Great God as a child, humbled and in need of nothing but Him. 

I find myself here now.  Holding out hope in His Word, that He will speak to me through it.  Through prayer, I will simply know my Jesus better, as a relationship that is grown and nurtured through intentional time spent with each other.  That blind trust in Him will become more of a reality and I will accept that I don't need answers, I just need Jesus. 

Dark World

So I'm sitting in Starbucks and it's humid.  When you step outside you feel the heaviness of the air and the sweat just starts to curl your hair every which way.  Though I really don't mind the curls.  Don't mind the heat, I'm used to it.  It's the heaviness.  Like the air has a burden of its own, like the windows fog up just to give an even blurrier picture of the world.

I'm on the inside.  Sitting in my Starbucks chair, journaling, lost in thought.  Just had a brief conversation with Brandon where I got to laugh.  Then my thoughts were caught in their heaviness again and I'm processing, running through things in my head and wondering what the world is coming to.

I went to a funeral 4 days earlier for my boss's mother.  I didn't know her, though I would've liked to.  But the only time I got a little choked up was when one of the daughters talked about how she thought she and her mother would be raptured to heaven together.  And it struck me that the daughter was genuinely surprised her mother had died, rather than simply disappearing.  I wonder if my mother will die or be raptured.  I hope I'm raptured.  I don't really know why I thought of that moment at the funeral home right then in Starbucks; maybe because I genuinely want Jesus to come back. 

There are storm clouds and random shots of sunshine.  The air conditioning causes the condensation to fog the windows and the people are blurry, except for the ones sitting in the cafe tables directly outside the store.  They're smoking cigarettes and playing dominoes.  Ben E. King is playing in the background.  "Stand by Me."  I danced to that song at a ball in West Point, NY.  A long time ago.  Seems like another lifetime, another world, another Ellen.  I'm temporarily drifting back to the classic romantic notions I used to have of being in love and realize none of those thoughts really occupy my time anymore.  Is that sad?  Should I wish for the colors and the beauty again?  The companionship?  But really, it was all just an extrinsic show; the grandeur, and everything I wanted the love affiar to be was an illusion in the end.

Back to reality.  One of the baristas is mopping the floor.  Mental note to not slip as I throw my empty cup in the trash.  I'm just the slightest bit cold.  Safely back to my seat.  I'm biting my pen and pouring my heart and soul onto the paper.  My God, this is good.  This is therapeutic and relieving, like a musician who sits at the piano and plays for hours, forgetting everything but the sound of the keys and the notes entwined.  They don't even have to make sense, they just have to be there and he can claim them as an escape from reality.  That's what writing can be, and in that moment, that's exactly what the words become.  Therapy.  I'm fervently writing, thinking, trying to catch my hand up to what my brain is saying and letting the last pieces fall out without having to make any sense whatsoever. 

There are newspapers everywhere in Starbucks.  Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Washington Post.  DADT repeal.  A right-wing extremist behind the Oslo attacks.  Thanks, man.  Lets give terrorists one more reason to hate us.  A shooting in Austin.  A shooting in China.  The United States government standing by and allowing the country to default.  Joblessness and increasingly bleak economic pictures.  People call me at work and ask if we're hiring all the time.  And I'm supposed to look forward to the future, to what God has planned?  I wouldn't be surprised if I'm going to be alive when being a Christian in America is dangerous.  This thought stops me mid-sentence and I look out the window. 

I must be glaring.  One of the men who was smoking has come inside and looks dead at me.  "Are you alright, miss?"

Oops.  Caught me. 

Well sir, I'm currently sitting here wondering if the country I love and the freedoms I hold dear will exist in the next 50 years.  Actually, I'm seriously doubting it.  I want to one day be a mother and live out that biblical family modeled in the Bible, but wondering if it's even the best idea to bring children into the world anymore.  I belong to a God who is coming again soon, but I'd be ok if it's in the next 5 minutes.  People everywhere are dying and going to hell; celebrities, supposedly our role models, are OD'ing, our media is tearing apart the idea of the plutonic, biblical family, porn turns men into boys and women into sluts, extremists are committing acts of terror in the name of "god," kids are told to have sex for fun and not become emotionally involved with anyone, no one knows how to grow up and lead anymore, and our country is accepting every lie imaginable. The one truth that does exist is taboo; tolerate anything except the Bible.  So no sir, things are not alright.

"Yes, I'm fine, thank you.  I just have a lot on my mind."

"Alright.  You look like someone's out to kill you or something."

Great. 

Keep journaling.  Keep praying.  Keep processing.  The air is heavy and the entire world is in need of a Savior.  Mankind is racing to the finish line as fast as they possibly can, and they'll use the technology, the cars, the politics, the sex, the drugs and alcohol, and any other shallow, unfulfilling lie to do it.

Breath, child. 

There is Truth.  There is a God who loved this wicked, sick world so much that He laid every perversion on His perfect Son.  And that Sacrifice paid the debt for all the evil we can ever become and lives, committed to making those who believe more like Him.

Less like this dark world.  It's not my home.

Tonight

This week has been crazy, but so, so rich. Everything was guided by Him, and who I am that He would allow me to watch Him at work?  Forgiveness. Healing.  I don't understand it because I am incapable of both forgiving and healing on my own.

Tonight I feel ready for something huge to happen.  This week, He told me "wait."  Don't know for what.  Wish I did.  I wonder about missions, and how He'll work that out.  When.  What it will look like.  I wonder about how long I'll be in Manassas.  If I'm here for a short term or for good.  I wonder about disappointing the people I respect at work; how they'll look at me when I tell them I'm leaving because God somehow opened a door for me to do ministry full time.  What that will look like.  The reactions.  I don't worry, but as a people-pleaser, I wonder how firm I'll get in actually following through with leaving.  Had an opportunity to tell my boss yesterday that I was passionate about student ministry and investing in lives.  She suggested maybe getting my Masters in something religious, but still making sure I can pay my bills.  I wish, sincerely, that I had told her I trust that when that door opens, He'll provide a way for the bills to get paid.  But I kept my mouth shut.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Skyline Drive again.  That's where the healing really began; He never stopped.  I can't wait to be even more face-to-face with His beauty.   

The students.  The heaviness in their lives at such a young age.  There's hope.  You are a chosen people, held by your God.  Claim His promise.  I wish ... Well.  I can't fix anything.  I can love them and point them to the Father.  The One who can fix everything.

I'm on my back porch.  I got a grill for free from one of my former co-workers.  It works.  I cooked fish and made a salad tonight.  By myself.  Learned how to broil thanks to Google and lit my orange candle.  Now the scent is whipping around everywhere from the breeze.  My backyard is entirely green.  Vibrant.  I'm listening to the birds.  Crickets.  This place is my home, my heart, where He's allowed me to softly land after a hard run. 

I wish I could describe tonight.  There's so much peace in my life right now.  I know that waiting will lead to an answer to something else.  I know that the students are my heart, and my joy is to wake up and love them to my Savior.  Because He loved me in my rebellion.  I flicked Him off and He loved me.  What the heck, what kind of crazy love is that?  And here, He's provided all my needs.  Broken my sin's curse.  Placed eternity in my heart and gives me what I need to make Him famous. 

What is this?  How did this life happen?

Knowing Him.

Last Night in Arlington

Wow.

I remember when I thought moving to Arlington would be the coolest place to just hang out for a couple years until I could move somewhere else, with plans to be with someone else, doing something else. 

I remember driving into DC every day at first, thinking how phenomenal it was that I worked in the nation's capitol.  I remember my first paycheck and then, the weeks that followed, when the lonliness set in and the first time I really missed a church family. Sense of community.  Any type of reminder that God was out there and hadn't just left me by myself. 

And I remember so many firsts after that... my first sit-down with a good friend who told me God had huge plans for my life.  The first time I realized that God might possibly want me to live out a plan that could look a little different than what I had in mind.  The first time I lost it at the thought of losing the grip I had on my reality.  Getting angry.  Tears; so frustrated that God couldn't line up His plans with mine. 

And the compromises to keep things the way I wanted them only led further to me trying to find more of my own answers.  I distinctly remember sitting in my car outside the townhouse, trying to map out timetables so I could still have everything work out the way I wanted.  I felt like I had a suitcase that only held a limited amount of clothing, and I wanted to pack way too much of my closet into it.  I only need one thing - the Jesus who saved me and gave me this incredible relationship with my Father, and I remember wanting Jesus and... I remember knowing that wanting Jesus and... was wrong, but doing it anyway.  My rebellion.  I remember times where I just flicked Him off and stuffed my suitcase to overflowing, struggling to shut it and never really succeeding. 

And I remember the random turning points that existed along the way this past year.  I remember January being the best and worst month, when I saw a glimpse of God's vision and turned my back.  And through it all, I know faithfulness from a God who pursues His children.  And I remember the final blow of it all, when everything crumbled despite my best efforts to keep things together.  And the sweet hands that created the universe reached down and held me.  A nobody.  Someone who fought and fought so hard to not let Him have His way was cradled in grace and mercy, like a daughter finding the arms of her father after a nightmare.

That's the journey of Arlington.  That's the story of how then became now; of how the love of Jesus became the only reality I need to know. 

Humbled.  That God would take this tangled life and all the thorns I choose to cling to and gently set me free from this sinful nature.  Strength to choose Him every day. 

And now, Manassas.  The sweet beginning where I can forget about the past and with joy, look to the future.  Someone was telling me yesterday about how they have their whole life planned out and I realized I was smiling.  Because a year ago, just a year ago, I would've said the same thing.  And now I don't know what is happening tomorrow.  And I have so much peace about not knowing, so much joy in not knowing.  Who would've thought? 

And Lord, You know this journey, as You've been so gracious as to hold me through it all.  You deserve all the glory for the peace and dreams that have been realized.  You deserve every ounce of life.  You gave, and You took away for Your name's sake.  And You allowed me to experience this sweet desperation for You; this powerful love and affection for a Savior who first loved me.  I don't even know how to say 'thank You;' who am I?  Who am I that You would hold me and allow me to be kept safe for Your purpose now?  That You would bring about this road and guide me here?  So I'm Yours.  Wholly and completely Yours.  So others may know, so others will hear Your love and truth, so others will find their peace and comfort in You and fall massively in love with You.  God.  The stars are Yours, yet You choose to bring resurrection to Your humans here on Earth.  You reached down and rescued me.  Why?  I don't need to know why, but the question causes me to catch my breath every time, because I am literally nothing.  What is here is only a reflection of Your power and life-changing love.  Redemption. 

So Lord, I'm off to Manassas.  I don't remember being this excited about anything before in my life.  This is the journey; this is the adventure.  This is why I was created.  Purpose.  To glorify You.  All of me for You.  That's all that matters, Lord. 

Wow.  This year literally has been life-changing in every way.  God is so good.

Last minute

So its 12:32 and I can't really sleep.  I have my Bebo Norman Pandora Station (get it NOW, thank me later), and a million things running through my head.

I don't really have groceries.  Well, that's a lie.  I have Cheerios, peanut butter and Jelly, and some rice.  Maybe some extra cans of Campbells.  None of that is really super healthy.  I feel like I gained 20 lbs on vacation.  Ran today, but need to run more.  Bike more.  Do something. 

California - I'm still on California time.  I want to disappear somewhere into Santa Barbara and just learn to surf - I can become that tattooed beach bum who gets to know the tourists and sells them random junk I find on the beach for inflated prices.

I need to do more research for work.  But today was crazy, and tomorrow will be crazy, as Kiara and I are going to this DoD meeting to pitch Aurora to some folks who are trying to start a veterans clinic at Northern Virginia Community College.  Kinda thrilled that Tom trusts us to do that - on the same token, kinda terrified that he trusts us to do that.  He'll be in and out a lot this week, so I'll have time to research more.  I hope.

And then, all I thought about today was EBC.  The youth group.  The college students.  They are my heart and the joy I find in the Lord is a gift gained through serving them.  And more and more I look at my job and wonder where this will lead me in 5 years?  10 years?  Tom's already given me the Masters Degree talk, and says he sees in me a natural knack for leading and wants me to stay and grow with the company.  Humbling.  Sweet.  Seriously, I'm so honored that my boss has that reaction, but my growth there can only be attributed to Christ wanting to keep me there for now.  And I wonder more and more how He expects me to stay when all I think about are the students - their lives, their needs, and how we're all just in this together, praying for one another, keeping the accountability, bearing burdens.  I do, however, firmly beleive that God will not give me more than I can handle in order to serve Him, so for now, if this is where I am with life, than God gets the credit for A. keeping me sane enough to stay employed and B. molding me into something useful to be used by Him.

He's all that matters.

The Romania trip.  The college girls' small group.  The youth group and the move to Manassas.  Wow.  That's happening this weekend.  Noah - lesson for one of the Wednesday nights.  Praying over it, want it to be something they need to hear.

So many people on my heart tonight.  Can't sleep.  Thankful for California, but ready to be home.

This is home.  This is where pride is slashed by a God who replaces our walls with His hedge of protection.  This is where hope rises and hearts are powerfully moved and changed.  This is the edge of brokenness.  This is where you don't know what hit you and suddenly everything's a whirlwind of better plans that I never thought could've been the blueprint of my life.  This is where you think you have it all; you've got a good shot and no one can touch you and then you fall of the ladder.  The Rock is solid and mighty and you look up into the faces of people you suddenly love like brothers and sisters.  People who are broken and healed like you and there's hope.

Wow.  Praise God for the wreckage.  The unanswered prayers.  The dreams that never came true.  Praise God for a whole new beginning on His terms.  Praise God for people - all types of people who are searching for truth and genuinely desire brokenness over hypocrisy.  Praise God for truth.  Most of all, Praise God for Jesus who came to rescue us out of this pit, so we won't live this Earthly life forever.  We're free.  We're whole in the God who claims us as His children.

So tonight, its 5 til 1.  God reigns over my busy day.  My forgotten grocery list.  My last minute adjustments.  My worries and plans and inadequacies.  The students I care about are His, and their lives are in His hands.

Freedom.  Exists to sleep and dream deeply; tie all these loose ends into an unrecognizable ending that tells itself so much clearer, purer, and richer than I ever could.

Quit Waiting

I think I've been told too many times to just "wait on God."  He'll fix me if I just wait on His plan, and eventually everything will fall into place.  But in the mean time, there's this gap left wide open while I'm actually doing the waiting, and evil is very busy. 

And I do it all the time, but mostly as a reason to put off things that are scary or uncomfortable; if I just wait this one out, life will be a lot better eventually.  Because God obviously does not want me to be uncomfortable.  Sitting around doing nothing, cowering down and expecting trials to just blow over, is definitely what the Lord intended me to learn from all this...

I love the water.  I love the ocean, the sea stories my Navy family would always tell, the movies about old adventures on the ocean; pretty much anything dealing with the water makes me feel right at home and happy.  So when I read this section of today's devo by Oswald Chambers, I understood it and starting examining stuff:

"If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea.  Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened.  If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock.  You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself - begin to have spiritual discernment."

And do you know why this is cool?  No, not because my boss walked by this morning and saw "Utmost" lying on my desk and looked at me weird.  Though that did happen.  And he asked about my tattoo yesterday and said he wants to hear the story behind it.  Praying for him.  Anyway.  Here's the message I got out of it: quit being a coward.  Quit using the excuse that you feel a certain way (lost, hurt, angry, etc) to hinder whatever God's calling you to do, b/c waiting for one emotional trial to pass is a sure way of inviting another one to take its place, and before you know it, you've wasted time.  And our God is fearless, so seriously, what makes me think that I was intended to be someone who waits?  Use your story for the Lord.  Use your life for the Lord.  Accept that the future is the future and today, you are a living and breathing instrument for Christ with nothing to wait for.  Nothing. 

Ellen: If God wants you to be a missionary, then for now, He has you in SNVC and you are being used there, and the IMB will get around to you when God wants them to.  So quit putting off mission opps at your office waiting for the IMB.  Or quit putting off opps to meet up and love on students waiting for something international.  Maybe the desire you have to go overseas is something the devil is using to hinder what God can do through you right here and now because you are so distracted by the WAIT.  You're not paralyzed or frozen into a meaningless existance until the IMB gets back to you a few months from now. 

Ellen:  So you're moving to Manassas - great - but you have roommates in Arlington who are really hurting and need a friend.  So what are you doing about them in the meantime?  You haven't even been home before 11pm the past few days, and they need Jesus now.  You are still living in Arlington for a reason; quit WAITING for things to get better when you move to Manassas because right now, your roommates still don't know Jesus.

Ellen: If God has given you a testimony, then use it and don't wait around for certain things to sting a little bit less than they do now.  Get over yourself.  If there's a time to be vulnerable, trust God with that time but don't wait it out.  Someone may need to hear it.  If you're learning how to swim in tumultuous waters, don't you think there's someone else who needs those same swimming lessons?  Seriously, get over yourself and just obey. 

Ellen:  If God wants you to be single, then live life as a single girl for Him and quit waiting for something better to happen because a relationship with Jesus is not a means to an end.  God didn't call you to Himself to hinder work He has cut out for you by marriage to the wrong person.  If you are with someone, it will be a man who enables your ministry to happen in a more powerful way than you could accomplish on your own.  So QUIT WAITING and just move towards Christ; RUN after Christ and if you don't collide with someone else, Jesus is all you need.

Jesus is worth the storms, He's worth all the feelings that leave you feeling low, and He's worth obeying, even if its a terrifying call or something that leaves you feeling vulnerable, open, and easily targeted.  Scared.  Jesus is worth it. 

So Ellen, quit waiting. 

Dear Sofia,

[I wrote this 2 years ago for a girl named Sofia whom I used to babysit; posted it for the students who know broken homes all too well.]

I don't know how to begin this letter.

It would help by explaining that all I can do is look into your life from the outside

I've experienced brokenness, but not as you have.

My hope came later; you need yours at such a tender age.

There's a separation between our worlds, and my own words are so incredibly insufficient to reach you.

The only thing I can offer is a truth so supernatural, no human could attempt to fulfill it.

Your mom shouldn't have left you
Your dad shouldn't still be out at 2 in the morning.

You seem too young to understand, too young to be familiar with bitterness.

But you do understand, don't you? At such a young age, there's already a reason to wonder why the world isn't fair, and you find it harder to trust those who are never supposed to hurt you.

Sofia,

I wish so much.

That you had a childhood full of beauty and innocence, the likes of which you deserved.
That you never knew the sting of a broken heart.
That you knew every minute of every day that you were massively loved, despite your parents' failure to show this.
That you didn't have reason to doubt the beauty of a family, a marriage, a home.

There were original, good intentions for you, Sofia
and
Your existence is proof that there are miracles left in this dark, wicked world.

There is a Strength that can defend you against the most monstrous insanities.

There is a Father whose love won't fail.

He won't walk out on you and leave you wondering what you did wrong.
He won't make you second guess His commitment to you.

He never breaks His promises.

His passion over you is a blanket of restoration; you'll never find it from any man or woman on earth.

Curl up with this truth tonight; let it keep you warm and serenade you
It won't ever go away because it's more powerful than
Death.

And Sofia,
It's yours.

I'm sorry this world's cruelty
Startled you awake
A nightmare in the middle of a dream
But know Love, Sofia,
know this Love created to hold you
far above life's tragedies.

They have been conquered so you can drift back to sleep.

Sweet dreams, Princess.