God is not silent. He gives hope right when I think there is none.
When the murkiness of my own mind begins to cloud everything He's proven to be true, He takes His words and wipes some of the dirt from my window so I can begin to see clearly that there's light outside, not a world of cobwebs where I live as a shadow.
He holds my hand when I come to Him needy, and lets me rant and rave about everything that doesn't matter. He gently places me on the ground and stands up to show me just how big He is and how small I am.
I am nothing.
He is Lord.
And then, in His majesty, He kneels down to me again, a child, and yet seeks after me to cleanse my heart of the impure motives in coming to Him.
Oh, Ellen, you want something from me? You want an answer, a distinct sign? You desire some tangible product from my bounty, so you come to me with this worshipful facade and expect me to be fooled and find you good enough to give a reward to?
Such a fool. Do you, child, still not understand who I am? Do you not understand grace? You live your life as though you need answers to survive, when really, every question has been answered for eternity through my salvation.
So I sit at the feet of this Great God as a child, humbled and in need of nothing but Him.
I find myself here now. Holding out hope in His Word, that He will speak to me through it. Through prayer, I will simply know my Jesus better, as a relationship that is grown and nurtured through intentional time spent with each other. That blind trust in Him will become more of a reality and I will accept that I don't need answers, I just need Jesus.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Dark World
So I'm sitting in Starbucks and it's humid. When you step outside you feel the heaviness of the air and the sweat just starts to curl your hair every which way. Though I really don't mind the curls. Don't mind the heat, I'm used to it. It's the heaviness. Like the air has a burden of its own, like the windows fog up just to give an even blurrier picture of the world.
I'm on the inside. Sitting in my Starbucks chair, journaling, lost in thought. Just had a brief conversation with Brandon where I got to laugh. Then my thoughts were caught in their heaviness again and I'm processing, running through things in my head and wondering what the world is coming to.
I went to a funeral 4 days earlier for my boss's mother. I didn't know her, though I would've liked to. But the only time I got a little choked up was when one of the daughters talked about how she thought she and her mother would be raptured to heaven together. And it struck me that the daughter was genuinely surprised her mother had died, rather than simply disappearing. I wonder if my mother will die or be raptured. I hope I'm raptured. I don't really know why I thought of that moment at the funeral home right then in Starbucks; maybe because I genuinely want Jesus to come back.
There are storm clouds and random shots of sunshine. The air conditioning causes the condensation to fog the windows and the people are blurry, except for the ones sitting in the cafe tables directly outside the store. They're smoking cigarettes and playing dominoes. Ben E. King is playing in the background. "Stand by Me." I danced to that song at a ball in West Point, NY. A long time ago. Seems like another lifetime, another world, another Ellen. I'm temporarily drifting back to the classic romantic notions I used to have of being in love and realize none of those thoughts really occupy my time anymore. Is that sad? Should I wish for the colors and the beauty again? The companionship? But really, it was all just an extrinsic show; the grandeur, and everything I wanted the love affiar to be was an illusion in the end.
Back to reality. One of the baristas is mopping the floor. Mental note to not slip as I throw my empty cup in the trash. I'm just the slightest bit cold. Safely back to my seat. I'm biting my pen and pouring my heart and soul onto the paper. My God, this is good. This is therapeutic and relieving, like a musician who sits at the piano and plays for hours, forgetting everything but the sound of the keys and the notes entwined. They don't even have to make sense, they just have to be there and he can claim them as an escape from reality. That's what writing can be, and in that moment, that's exactly what the words become. Therapy. I'm fervently writing, thinking, trying to catch my hand up to what my brain is saying and letting the last pieces fall out without having to make any sense whatsoever.
There are newspapers everywhere in Starbucks. Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Washington Post. DADT repeal. A right-wing extremist behind the Oslo attacks. Thanks, man. Lets give terrorists one more reason to hate us. A shooting in Austin. A shooting in China. The United States government standing by and allowing the country to default. Joblessness and increasingly bleak economic pictures. People call me at work and ask if we're hiring all the time. And I'm supposed to look forward to the future, to what God has planned? I wouldn't be surprised if I'm going to be alive when being a Christian in America is dangerous. This thought stops me mid-sentence and I look out the window.
I must be glaring. One of the men who was smoking has come inside and looks dead at me. "Are you alright, miss?"
Oops. Caught me.
Well sir, I'm currently sitting here wondering if the country I love and the freedoms I hold dear will exist in the next 50 years. Actually, I'm seriously doubting it. I want to one day be a mother and live out that biblical family modeled in the Bible, but wondering if it's even the best idea to bring children into the world anymore. I belong to a God who is coming again soon, but I'd be ok if it's in the next 5 minutes. People everywhere are dying and going to hell; celebrities, supposedly our role models, are OD'ing, our media is tearing apart the idea of the plutonic, biblical family, porn turns men into boys and women into sluts, extremists are committing acts of terror in the name of "god," kids are told to have sex for fun and not become emotionally involved with anyone, no one knows how to grow up and lead anymore, and our country is accepting every lie imaginable. The one truth that does exist is taboo; tolerate anything except the Bible. So no sir, things are not alright.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you. I just have a lot on my mind."
"Alright. You look like someone's out to kill you or something."
Great.
Keep journaling. Keep praying. Keep processing. The air is heavy and the entire world is in need of a Savior. Mankind is racing to the finish line as fast as they possibly can, and they'll use the technology, the cars, the politics, the sex, the drugs and alcohol, and any other shallow, unfulfilling lie to do it.
Breath, child.
There is Truth. There is a God who loved this wicked, sick world so much that He laid every perversion on His perfect Son. And that Sacrifice paid the debt for all the evil we can ever become and lives, committed to making those who believe more like Him.
Less like this dark world. It's not my home.
I'm on the inside. Sitting in my Starbucks chair, journaling, lost in thought. Just had a brief conversation with Brandon where I got to laugh. Then my thoughts were caught in their heaviness again and I'm processing, running through things in my head and wondering what the world is coming to.
I went to a funeral 4 days earlier for my boss's mother. I didn't know her, though I would've liked to. But the only time I got a little choked up was when one of the daughters talked about how she thought she and her mother would be raptured to heaven together. And it struck me that the daughter was genuinely surprised her mother had died, rather than simply disappearing. I wonder if my mother will die or be raptured. I hope I'm raptured. I don't really know why I thought of that moment at the funeral home right then in Starbucks; maybe because I genuinely want Jesus to come back.
There are storm clouds and random shots of sunshine. The air conditioning causes the condensation to fog the windows and the people are blurry, except for the ones sitting in the cafe tables directly outside the store. They're smoking cigarettes and playing dominoes. Ben E. King is playing in the background. "Stand by Me." I danced to that song at a ball in West Point, NY. A long time ago. Seems like another lifetime, another world, another Ellen. I'm temporarily drifting back to the classic romantic notions I used to have of being in love and realize none of those thoughts really occupy my time anymore. Is that sad? Should I wish for the colors and the beauty again? The companionship? But really, it was all just an extrinsic show; the grandeur, and everything I wanted the love affiar to be was an illusion in the end.
Back to reality. One of the baristas is mopping the floor. Mental note to not slip as I throw my empty cup in the trash. I'm just the slightest bit cold. Safely back to my seat. I'm biting my pen and pouring my heart and soul onto the paper. My God, this is good. This is therapeutic and relieving, like a musician who sits at the piano and plays for hours, forgetting everything but the sound of the keys and the notes entwined. They don't even have to make sense, they just have to be there and he can claim them as an escape from reality. That's what writing can be, and in that moment, that's exactly what the words become. Therapy. I'm fervently writing, thinking, trying to catch my hand up to what my brain is saying and letting the last pieces fall out without having to make any sense whatsoever.
There are newspapers everywhere in Starbucks. Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Washington Post. DADT repeal. A right-wing extremist behind the Oslo attacks. Thanks, man. Lets give terrorists one more reason to hate us. A shooting in Austin. A shooting in China. The United States government standing by and allowing the country to default. Joblessness and increasingly bleak economic pictures. People call me at work and ask if we're hiring all the time. And I'm supposed to look forward to the future, to what God has planned? I wouldn't be surprised if I'm going to be alive when being a Christian in America is dangerous. This thought stops me mid-sentence and I look out the window.
I must be glaring. One of the men who was smoking has come inside and looks dead at me. "Are you alright, miss?"
Oops. Caught me.
Well sir, I'm currently sitting here wondering if the country I love and the freedoms I hold dear will exist in the next 50 years. Actually, I'm seriously doubting it. I want to one day be a mother and live out that biblical family modeled in the Bible, but wondering if it's even the best idea to bring children into the world anymore. I belong to a God who is coming again soon, but I'd be ok if it's in the next 5 minutes. People everywhere are dying and going to hell; celebrities, supposedly our role models, are OD'ing, our media is tearing apart the idea of the plutonic, biblical family, porn turns men into boys and women into sluts, extremists are committing acts of terror in the name of "god," kids are told to have sex for fun and not become emotionally involved with anyone, no one knows how to grow up and lead anymore, and our country is accepting every lie imaginable. The one truth that does exist is taboo; tolerate anything except the Bible. So no sir, things are not alright.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you. I just have a lot on my mind."
"Alright. You look like someone's out to kill you or something."
Great.
Keep journaling. Keep praying. Keep processing. The air is heavy and the entire world is in need of a Savior. Mankind is racing to the finish line as fast as they possibly can, and they'll use the technology, the cars, the politics, the sex, the drugs and alcohol, and any other shallow, unfulfilling lie to do it.
Breath, child.
There is Truth. There is a God who loved this wicked, sick world so much that He laid every perversion on His perfect Son. And that Sacrifice paid the debt for all the evil we can ever become and lives, committed to making those who believe more like Him.
Less like this dark world. It's not my home.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Tonight
This week has been crazy, but so, so rich. Everything was guided by Him, and who I am that He would allow me to watch Him at work? Forgiveness. Healing. I don't understand it because I am incapable of both forgiving and healing on my own.
Tonight I feel ready for something huge to happen. This week, He told me "wait." Don't know for what. Wish I did. I wonder about missions, and how He'll work that out. When. What it will look like. I wonder about how long I'll be in Manassas. If I'm here for a short term or for good. I wonder about disappointing the people I respect at work; how they'll look at me when I tell them I'm leaving because God somehow opened a door for me to do ministry full time. What that will look like. The reactions. I don't worry, but as a people-pleaser, I wonder how firm I'll get in actually following through with leaving. Had an opportunity to tell my boss yesterday that I was passionate about student ministry and investing in lives. She suggested maybe getting my Masters in something religious, but still making sure I can pay my bills. I wish, sincerely, that I had told her I trust that when that door opens, He'll provide a way for the bills to get paid. But I kept my mouth shut.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Skyline Drive again. That's where the healing really began; He never stopped. I can't wait to be even more face-to-face with His beauty.
The students. The heaviness in their lives at such a young age. There's hope. You are a chosen people, held by your God. Claim His promise. I wish ... Well. I can't fix anything. I can love them and point them to the Father. The One who can fix everything.
I'm on my back porch. I got a grill for free from one of my former co-workers. It works. I cooked fish and made a salad tonight. By myself. Learned how to broil thanks to Google and lit my orange candle. Now the scent is whipping around everywhere from the breeze. My backyard is entirely green. Vibrant. I'm listening to the birds. Crickets. This place is my home, my heart, where He's allowed me to softly land after a hard run.
I wish I could describe tonight. There's so much peace in my life right now. I know that waiting will lead to an answer to something else. I know that the students are my heart, and my joy is to wake up and love them to my Savior. Because He loved me in my rebellion. I flicked Him off and He loved me. What the heck, what kind of crazy love is that? And here, He's provided all my needs. Broken my sin's curse. Placed eternity in my heart and gives me what I need to make Him famous.
What is this? How did this life happen?
Knowing Him.
Tonight I feel ready for something huge to happen. This week, He told me "wait." Don't know for what. Wish I did. I wonder about missions, and how He'll work that out. When. What it will look like. I wonder about how long I'll be in Manassas. If I'm here for a short term or for good. I wonder about disappointing the people I respect at work; how they'll look at me when I tell them I'm leaving because God somehow opened a door for me to do ministry full time. What that will look like. The reactions. I don't worry, but as a people-pleaser, I wonder how firm I'll get in actually following through with leaving. Had an opportunity to tell my boss yesterday that I was passionate about student ministry and investing in lives. She suggested maybe getting my Masters in something religious, but still making sure I can pay my bills. I wish, sincerely, that I had told her I trust that when that door opens, He'll provide a way for the bills to get paid. But I kept my mouth shut.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Skyline Drive again. That's where the healing really began; He never stopped. I can't wait to be even more face-to-face with His beauty.
The students. The heaviness in their lives at such a young age. There's hope. You are a chosen people, held by your God. Claim His promise. I wish ... Well. I can't fix anything. I can love them and point them to the Father. The One who can fix everything.
I'm on my back porch. I got a grill for free from one of my former co-workers. It works. I cooked fish and made a salad tonight. By myself. Learned how to broil thanks to Google and lit my orange candle. Now the scent is whipping around everywhere from the breeze. My backyard is entirely green. Vibrant. I'm listening to the birds. Crickets. This place is my home, my heart, where He's allowed me to softly land after a hard run.
I wish I could describe tonight. There's so much peace in my life right now. I know that waiting will lead to an answer to something else. I know that the students are my heart, and my joy is to wake up and love them to my Savior. Because He loved me in my rebellion. I flicked Him off and He loved me. What the heck, what kind of crazy love is that? And here, He's provided all my needs. Broken my sin's curse. Placed eternity in my heart and gives me what I need to make Him famous.
What is this? How did this life happen?
Knowing Him.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Last Night in Arlington
Wow.
I remember when I thought moving to Arlington would be the coolest place to just hang out for a couple years until I could move somewhere else, with plans to be with someone else, doing something else.
I remember driving into DC every day at first, thinking how phenomenal it was that I worked in the nation's capitol. I remember my first paycheck and then, the weeks that followed, when the lonliness set in and the first time I really missed a church family. Sense of community. Any type of reminder that God was out there and hadn't just left me by myself.
And I remember so many firsts after that... my first sit-down with a good friend who told me God had huge plans for my life. The first time I realized that God might possibly want me to live out a plan that could look a little different than what I had in mind. The first time I lost it at the thought of losing the grip I had on my reality. Getting angry. Tears; so frustrated that God couldn't line up His plans with mine.
And the compromises to keep things the way I wanted them only led further to me trying to find more of my own answers. I distinctly remember sitting in my car outside the townhouse, trying to map out timetables so I could still have everything work out the way I wanted. I felt like I had a suitcase that only held a limited amount of clothing, and I wanted to pack way too much of my closet into it. I only need one thing - the Jesus who saved me and gave me this incredible relationship with my Father, and I remember wanting Jesus and... I remember knowing that wanting Jesus and... was wrong, but doing it anyway. My rebellion. I remember times where I just flicked Him off and stuffed my suitcase to overflowing, struggling to shut it and never really succeeding.
And I remember the random turning points that existed along the way this past year. I remember January being the best and worst month, when I saw a glimpse of God's vision and turned my back. And through it all, I know faithfulness from a God who pursues His children. And I remember the final blow of it all, when everything crumbled despite my best efforts to keep things together. And the sweet hands that created the universe reached down and held me. A nobody. Someone who fought and fought so hard to not let Him have His way was cradled in grace and mercy, like a daughter finding the arms of her father after a nightmare.
That's the journey of Arlington. That's the story of how then became now; of how the love of Jesus became the only reality I need to know.
Humbled. That God would take this tangled life and all the thorns I choose to cling to and gently set me free from this sinful nature. Strength to choose Him every day.
And now, Manassas. The sweet beginning where I can forget about the past and with joy, look to the future. Someone was telling me yesterday about how they have their whole life planned out and I realized I was smiling. Because a year ago, just a year ago, I would've said the same thing. And now I don't know what is happening tomorrow. And I have so much peace about not knowing, so much joy in not knowing. Who would've thought?
And Lord, You know this journey, as You've been so gracious as to hold me through it all. You deserve all the glory for the peace and dreams that have been realized. You deserve every ounce of life. You gave, and You took away for Your name's sake. And You allowed me to experience this sweet desperation for You; this powerful love and affection for a Savior who first loved me. I don't even know how to say 'thank You;' who am I? Who am I that You would hold me and allow me to be kept safe for Your purpose now? That You would bring about this road and guide me here? So I'm Yours. Wholly and completely Yours. So others may know, so others will hear Your love and truth, so others will find their peace and comfort in You and fall massively in love with You. God. The stars are Yours, yet You choose to bring resurrection to Your humans here on Earth. You reached down and rescued me. Why? I don't need to know why, but the question causes me to catch my breath every time, because I am literally nothing. What is here is only a reflection of Your power and life-changing love. Redemption.
So Lord, I'm off to Manassas. I don't remember being this excited about anything before in my life. This is the journey; this is the adventure. This is why I was created. Purpose. To glorify You. All of me for You. That's all that matters, Lord.
Wow. This year literally has been life-changing in every way. God is so good.
I remember when I thought moving to Arlington would be the coolest place to just hang out for a couple years until I could move somewhere else, with plans to be with someone else, doing something else.
I remember driving into DC every day at first, thinking how phenomenal it was that I worked in the nation's capitol. I remember my first paycheck and then, the weeks that followed, when the lonliness set in and the first time I really missed a church family. Sense of community. Any type of reminder that God was out there and hadn't just left me by myself.
And I remember so many firsts after that... my first sit-down with a good friend who told me God had huge plans for my life. The first time I realized that God might possibly want me to live out a plan that could look a little different than what I had in mind. The first time I lost it at the thought of losing the grip I had on my reality. Getting angry. Tears; so frustrated that God couldn't line up His plans with mine.
And the compromises to keep things the way I wanted them only led further to me trying to find more of my own answers. I distinctly remember sitting in my car outside the townhouse, trying to map out timetables so I could still have everything work out the way I wanted. I felt like I had a suitcase that only held a limited amount of clothing, and I wanted to pack way too much of my closet into it. I only need one thing - the Jesus who saved me and gave me this incredible relationship with my Father, and I remember wanting Jesus and... I remember knowing that wanting Jesus and... was wrong, but doing it anyway. My rebellion. I remember times where I just flicked Him off and stuffed my suitcase to overflowing, struggling to shut it and never really succeeding.
And I remember the random turning points that existed along the way this past year. I remember January being the best and worst month, when I saw a glimpse of God's vision and turned my back. And through it all, I know faithfulness from a God who pursues His children. And I remember the final blow of it all, when everything crumbled despite my best efforts to keep things together. And the sweet hands that created the universe reached down and held me. A nobody. Someone who fought and fought so hard to not let Him have His way was cradled in grace and mercy, like a daughter finding the arms of her father after a nightmare.
That's the journey of Arlington. That's the story of how then became now; of how the love of Jesus became the only reality I need to know.
Humbled. That God would take this tangled life and all the thorns I choose to cling to and gently set me free from this sinful nature. Strength to choose Him every day.
And now, Manassas. The sweet beginning where I can forget about the past and with joy, look to the future. Someone was telling me yesterday about how they have their whole life planned out and I realized I was smiling. Because a year ago, just a year ago, I would've said the same thing. And now I don't know what is happening tomorrow. And I have so much peace about not knowing, so much joy in not knowing. Who would've thought?
And Lord, You know this journey, as You've been so gracious as to hold me through it all. You deserve all the glory for the peace and dreams that have been realized. You deserve every ounce of life. You gave, and You took away for Your name's sake. And You allowed me to experience this sweet desperation for You; this powerful love and affection for a Savior who first loved me. I don't even know how to say 'thank You;' who am I? Who am I that You would hold me and allow me to be kept safe for Your purpose now? That You would bring about this road and guide me here? So I'm Yours. Wholly and completely Yours. So others may know, so others will hear Your love and truth, so others will find their peace and comfort in You and fall massively in love with You. God. The stars are Yours, yet You choose to bring resurrection to Your humans here on Earth. You reached down and rescued me. Why? I don't need to know why, but the question causes me to catch my breath every time, because I am literally nothing. What is here is only a reflection of Your power and life-changing love. Redemption.
So Lord, I'm off to Manassas. I don't remember being this excited about anything before in my life. This is the journey; this is the adventure. This is why I was created. Purpose. To glorify You. All of me for You. That's all that matters, Lord.
Wow. This year literally has been life-changing in every way. God is so good.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Last minute
So its 12:32 and I can't really sleep. I have my Bebo Norman Pandora Station (get it NOW, thank me later), and a million things running through my head.
I don't really have groceries. Well, that's a lie. I have Cheerios, peanut butter and Jelly, and some rice. Maybe some extra cans of Campbells. None of that is really super healthy. I feel like I gained 20 lbs on vacation. Ran today, but need to run more. Bike more. Do something.
California - I'm still on California time. I want to disappear somewhere into Santa Barbara and just learn to surf - I can become that tattooed beach bum who gets to know the tourists and sells them random junk I find on the beach for inflated prices.
I need to do more research for work. But today was crazy, and tomorrow will be crazy, as Kiara and I are going to this DoD meeting to pitch Aurora to some folks who are trying to start a veterans clinic at Northern Virginia Community College. Kinda thrilled that Tom trusts us to do that - on the same token, kinda terrified that he trusts us to do that. He'll be in and out a lot this week, so I'll have time to research more. I hope.
And then, all I thought about today was EBC. The youth group. The college students. They are my heart and the joy I find in the Lord is a gift gained through serving them. And more and more I look at my job and wonder where this will lead me in 5 years? 10 years? Tom's already given me the Masters Degree talk, and says he sees in me a natural knack for leading and wants me to stay and grow with the company. Humbling. Sweet. Seriously, I'm so honored that my boss has that reaction, but my growth there can only be attributed to Christ wanting to keep me there for now. And I wonder more and more how He expects me to stay when all I think about are the students - their lives, their needs, and how we're all just in this together, praying for one another, keeping the accountability, bearing burdens. I do, however, firmly beleive that God will not give me more than I can handle in order to serve Him, so for now, if this is where I am with life, than God gets the credit for A. keeping me sane enough to stay employed and B. molding me into something useful to be used by Him.
He's all that matters.
The Romania trip. The college girls' small group. The youth group and the move to Manassas. Wow. That's happening this weekend. Noah - lesson for one of the Wednesday nights. Praying over it, want it to be something they need to hear.
So many people on my heart tonight. Can't sleep. Thankful for California, but ready to be home.
This is home. This is where pride is slashed by a God who replaces our walls with His hedge of protection. This is where hope rises and hearts are powerfully moved and changed. This is the edge of brokenness. This is where you don't know what hit you and suddenly everything's a whirlwind of better plans that I never thought could've been the blueprint of my life. This is where you think you have it all; you've got a good shot and no one can touch you and then you fall of the ladder. The Rock is solid and mighty and you look up into the faces of people you suddenly love like brothers and sisters. People who are broken and healed like you and there's hope.
Wow. Praise God for the wreckage. The unanswered prayers. The dreams that never came true. Praise God for a whole new beginning on His terms. Praise God for people - all types of people who are searching for truth and genuinely desire brokenness over hypocrisy. Praise God for truth. Most of all, Praise God for Jesus who came to rescue us out of this pit, so we won't live this Earthly life forever. We're free. We're whole in the God who claims us as His children.
So tonight, its 5 til 1. God reigns over my busy day. My forgotten grocery list. My last minute adjustments. My worries and plans and inadequacies. The students I care about are His, and their lives are in His hands.
Freedom. Exists to sleep and dream deeply; tie all these loose ends into an unrecognizable ending that tells itself so much clearer, purer, and richer than I ever could.
I don't really have groceries. Well, that's a lie. I have Cheerios, peanut butter and Jelly, and some rice. Maybe some extra cans of Campbells. None of that is really super healthy. I feel like I gained 20 lbs on vacation. Ran today, but need to run more. Bike more. Do something.
California - I'm still on California time. I want to disappear somewhere into Santa Barbara and just learn to surf - I can become that tattooed beach bum who gets to know the tourists and sells them random junk I find on the beach for inflated prices.
I need to do more research for work. But today was crazy, and tomorrow will be crazy, as Kiara and I are going to this DoD meeting to pitch Aurora to some folks who are trying to start a veterans clinic at Northern Virginia Community College. Kinda thrilled that Tom trusts us to do that - on the same token, kinda terrified that he trusts us to do that. He'll be in and out a lot this week, so I'll have time to research more. I hope.
And then, all I thought about today was EBC. The youth group. The college students. They are my heart and the joy I find in the Lord is a gift gained through serving them. And more and more I look at my job and wonder where this will lead me in 5 years? 10 years? Tom's already given me the Masters Degree talk, and says he sees in me a natural knack for leading and wants me to stay and grow with the company. Humbling. Sweet. Seriously, I'm so honored that my boss has that reaction, but my growth there can only be attributed to Christ wanting to keep me there for now. And I wonder more and more how He expects me to stay when all I think about are the students - their lives, their needs, and how we're all just in this together, praying for one another, keeping the accountability, bearing burdens. I do, however, firmly beleive that God will not give me more than I can handle in order to serve Him, so for now, if this is where I am with life, than God gets the credit for A. keeping me sane enough to stay employed and B. molding me into something useful to be used by Him.
He's all that matters.
The Romania trip. The college girls' small group. The youth group and the move to Manassas. Wow. That's happening this weekend. Noah - lesson for one of the Wednesday nights. Praying over it, want it to be something they need to hear.
So many people on my heart tonight. Can't sleep. Thankful for California, but ready to be home.
This is home. This is where pride is slashed by a God who replaces our walls with His hedge of protection. This is where hope rises and hearts are powerfully moved and changed. This is the edge of brokenness. This is where you don't know what hit you and suddenly everything's a whirlwind of better plans that I never thought could've been the blueprint of my life. This is where you think you have it all; you've got a good shot and no one can touch you and then you fall of the ladder. The Rock is solid and mighty and you look up into the faces of people you suddenly love like brothers and sisters. People who are broken and healed like you and there's hope.
Wow. Praise God for the wreckage. The unanswered prayers. The dreams that never came true. Praise God for a whole new beginning on His terms. Praise God for people - all types of people who are searching for truth and genuinely desire brokenness over hypocrisy. Praise God for truth. Most of all, Praise God for Jesus who came to rescue us out of this pit, so we won't live this Earthly life forever. We're free. We're whole in the God who claims us as His children.
So tonight, its 5 til 1. God reigns over my busy day. My forgotten grocery list. My last minute adjustments. My worries and plans and inadequacies. The students I care about are His, and their lives are in His hands.
Freedom. Exists to sleep and dream deeply; tie all these loose ends into an unrecognizable ending that tells itself so much clearer, purer, and richer than I ever could.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Quit Waiting
I think I've been told too many times to just "wait on God." He'll fix me if I just wait on His plan, and eventually everything will fall into place. But in the mean time, there's this gap left wide open while I'm actually doing the waiting, and evil is very busy.
And I do it all the time, but mostly as a reason to put off things that are scary or uncomfortable; if I just wait this one out, life will be a lot better eventually. Because God obviously does not want me to be uncomfortable. Sitting around doing nothing, cowering down and expecting trials to just blow over, is definitely what the Lord intended me to learn from all this...
I love the water. I love the ocean, the sea stories my Navy family would always tell, the movies about old adventures on the ocean; pretty much anything dealing with the water makes me feel right at home and happy. So when I read this section of today's devo by Oswald Chambers, I understood it and starting examining stuff:
"If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself - begin to have spiritual discernment."
And do you know why this is cool? No, not because my boss walked by this morning and saw "Utmost" lying on my desk and looked at me weird. Though that did happen. And he asked about my tattoo yesterday and said he wants to hear the story behind it. Praying for him. Anyway. Here's the message I got out of it: quit being a coward. Quit using the excuse that you feel a certain way (lost, hurt, angry, etc) to hinder whatever God's calling you to do, b/c waiting for one emotional trial to pass is a sure way of inviting another one to take its place, and before you know it, you've wasted time. And our God is fearless, so seriously, what makes me think that I was intended to be someone who waits? Use your story for the Lord. Use your life for the Lord. Accept that the future is the future and today, you are a living and breathing instrument for Christ with nothing to wait for. Nothing.
Ellen: If God wants you to be a missionary, then for now, He has you in SNVC and you are being used there, and the IMB will get around to you when God wants them to. So quit putting off mission opps at your office waiting for the IMB. Or quit putting off opps to meet up and love on students waiting for something international. Maybe the desire you have to go overseas is something the devil is using to hinder what God can do through you right here and now because you are so distracted by the WAIT. You're not paralyzed or frozen into a meaningless existance until the IMB gets back to you a few months from now.
Ellen: So you're moving to Manassas - great - but you have roommates in Arlington who are really hurting and need a friend. So what are you doing about them in the meantime? You haven't even been home before 11pm the past few days, and they need Jesus now. You are still living in Arlington for a reason; quit WAITING for things to get better when you move to Manassas because right now, your roommates still don't know Jesus.
Ellen: If God has given you a testimony, then use it and don't wait around for certain things to sting a little bit less than they do now. Get over yourself. If there's a time to be vulnerable, trust God with that time but don't wait it out. Someone may need to hear it. If you're learning how to swim in tumultuous waters, don't you think there's someone else who needs those same swimming lessons? Seriously, get over yourself and just obey.
Ellen: If God wants you to be single, then live life as a single girl for Him and quit waiting for something better to happen because a relationship with Jesus is not a means to an end. God didn't call you to Himself to hinder work He has cut out for you by marriage to the wrong person. If you are with someone, it will be a man who enables your ministry to happen in a more powerful way than you could accomplish on your own. So QUIT WAITING and just move towards Christ; RUN after Christ and if you don't collide with someone else, Jesus is all you need.
Jesus is worth the storms, He's worth all the feelings that leave you feeling low, and He's worth obeying, even if its a terrifying call or something that leaves you feeling vulnerable, open, and easily targeted. Scared. Jesus is worth it.
So Ellen, quit waiting.
And I do it all the time, but mostly as a reason to put off things that are scary or uncomfortable; if I just wait this one out, life will be a lot better eventually. Because God obviously does not want me to be uncomfortable. Sitting around doing nothing, cowering down and expecting trials to just blow over, is definitely what the Lord intended me to learn from all this...
I love the water. I love the ocean, the sea stories my Navy family would always tell, the movies about old adventures on the ocean; pretty much anything dealing with the water makes me feel right at home and happy. So when I read this section of today's devo by Oswald Chambers, I understood it and starting examining stuff:
"If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself - begin to have spiritual discernment."
And do you know why this is cool? No, not because my boss walked by this morning and saw "Utmost" lying on my desk and looked at me weird. Though that did happen. And he asked about my tattoo yesterday and said he wants to hear the story behind it. Praying for him. Anyway. Here's the message I got out of it: quit being a coward. Quit using the excuse that you feel a certain way (lost, hurt, angry, etc) to hinder whatever God's calling you to do, b/c waiting for one emotional trial to pass is a sure way of inviting another one to take its place, and before you know it, you've wasted time. And our God is fearless, so seriously, what makes me think that I was intended to be someone who waits? Use your story for the Lord. Use your life for the Lord. Accept that the future is the future and today, you are a living and breathing instrument for Christ with nothing to wait for. Nothing.
Ellen: If God wants you to be a missionary, then for now, He has you in SNVC and you are being used there, and the IMB will get around to you when God wants them to. So quit putting off mission opps at your office waiting for the IMB. Or quit putting off opps to meet up and love on students waiting for something international. Maybe the desire you have to go overseas is something the devil is using to hinder what God can do through you right here and now because you are so distracted by the WAIT. You're not paralyzed or frozen into a meaningless existance until the IMB gets back to you a few months from now.
Ellen: So you're moving to Manassas - great - but you have roommates in Arlington who are really hurting and need a friend. So what are you doing about them in the meantime? You haven't even been home before 11pm the past few days, and they need Jesus now. You are still living in Arlington for a reason; quit WAITING for things to get better when you move to Manassas because right now, your roommates still don't know Jesus.
Ellen: If God has given you a testimony, then use it and don't wait around for certain things to sting a little bit less than they do now. Get over yourself. If there's a time to be vulnerable, trust God with that time but don't wait it out. Someone may need to hear it. If you're learning how to swim in tumultuous waters, don't you think there's someone else who needs those same swimming lessons? Seriously, get over yourself and just obey.
Ellen: If God wants you to be single, then live life as a single girl for Him and quit waiting for something better to happen because a relationship with Jesus is not a means to an end. God didn't call you to Himself to hinder work He has cut out for you by marriage to the wrong person. If you are with someone, it will be a man who enables your ministry to happen in a more powerful way than you could accomplish on your own. So QUIT WAITING and just move towards Christ; RUN after Christ and if you don't collide with someone else, Jesus is all you need.
Jesus is worth the storms, He's worth all the feelings that leave you feeling low, and He's worth obeying, even if its a terrifying call or something that leaves you feeling vulnerable, open, and easily targeted. Scared. Jesus is worth it.
So Ellen, quit waiting.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Dear Sofia,
[I wrote this 2 years ago for a girl named Sofia whom I used to babysit; posted it for the students who know broken homes all too well.]
I don't know how to begin this letter.
It would help by explaining that all I can do is look into your life from the outside
I've experienced brokenness, but not as you have.
My hope came later; you need yours at such a tender age.
There's a separation between our worlds, and my own words are so incredibly insufficient to reach you.
The only thing I can offer is a truth so supernatural, no human could attempt to fulfill it.
Your mom shouldn't have left you
Your dad shouldn't still be out at 2 in the morning.
You seem too young to understand, too young to be familiar with bitterness.
But you do understand, don't you? At such a young age, there's already a reason to wonder why the world isn't fair, and you find it harder to trust those who are never supposed to hurt you.
Sofia,
I wish so much.
That you had a childhood full of beauty and innocence, the likes of which you deserved.
That you never knew the sting of a broken heart.
That you knew every minute of every day that you were massively loved, despite your parents' failure to show this.
That you didn't have reason to doubt the beauty of a family, a marriage, a home.
There were original, good intentions for you, Sofia
and
Your existence is proof that there are miracles left in this dark, wicked world.
There is a Strength that can defend you against the most monstrous insanities.
There is a Father whose love won't fail.
He won't walk out on you and leave you wondering what you did wrong.
He won't make you second guess His commitment to you.
He never breaks His promises.
His passion over you is a blanket of restoration; you'll never find it from any man or woman on earth.
Curl up with this truth tonight; let it keep you warm and serenade you
It won't ever go away because it's more powerful than
Death.
And Sofia,
It's yours.
I'm sorry this world's cruelty
Startled you awake
A nightmare in the middle of a dream
But know Love, Sofia,
know this Love created to hold you
far above life's tragedies.
They have been conquered so you can drift back to sleep.
Sweet dreams, Princess.
It would help by explaining that all I can do is look into your life from the outside
I've experienced brokenness, but not as you have.
My hope came later; you need yours at such a tender age.
There's a separation between our worlds, and my own words are so incredibly insufficient to reach you.
The only thing I can offer is a truth so supernatural, no human could attempt to fulfill it.
Your mom shouldn't have left you
Your dad shouldn't still be out at 2 in the morning.
You seem too young to understand, too young to be familiar with bitterness.
But you do understand, don't you? At such a young age, there's already a reason to wonder why the world isn't fair, and you find it harder to trust those who are never supposed to hurt you.
Sofia,
I wish so much.
That you had a childhood full of beauty and innocence, the likes of which you deserved.
That you never knew the sting of a broken heart.
That you knew every minute of every day that you were massively loved, despite your parents' failure to show this.
That you didn't have reason to doubt the beauty of a family, a marriage, a home.
There were original, good intentions for you, Sofia
and
Your existence is proof that there are miracles left in this dark, wicked world.
There is a Strength that can defend you against the most monstrous insanities.
There is a Father whose love won't fail.
He won't walk out on you and leave you wondering what you did wrong.
He won't make you second guess His commitment to you.
He never breaks His promises.
His passion over you is a blanket of restoration; you'll never find it from any man or woman on earth.
Curl up with this truth tonight; let it keep you warm and serenade you
It won't ever go away because it's more powerful than
Death.
And Sofia,
It's yours.
I'm sorry this world's cruelty
Startled you awake
A nightmare in the middle of a dream
But know Love, Sofia,
know this Love created to hold you
far above life's tragedies.
They have been conquered so you can drift back to sleep.
Sweet dreams, Princess.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)