Yesterday was a beautiful day. It was hot and the air tasted like summer. There's nothing left behind me to see, and all the joy of going forward exists in the next several months. I'll get to actually go to California with two of my best friends, spend the summer with the youth and college students I love so much and grow closer to the family I have at EBC, as well as move to a place full of back country roads, pick-up trucks, small-town feel, and mountains. Maybe not what I envisioned; better. Something peaceful for now; just what I needed.
And in meditating on the joys of looking ahead, I was just reading in my Bible yesterday about David's looking ahead. It was full of the knowledge of where he had come from and what he would do to bring God praise. And the next Psalm, 72, is just full of anticipation of how God will vindicate and protect those who trust in Him. Full of the future and the joy of living life with a Holy God.
So I'm sitting outside yesterday, mulling over everything in my head about just how God's brought me here to this point and He spoke to me. Which is SO COOL. Because I'm starting to learn more and more how God speaks to me; its in the moments where I've been quiet before Him and humbled and in the midst of falling deeper in love with who He is as my Savior. And its like, in the middle of knowing just how desperate I am for Him to purely live, He hits me with something I needed to know. Something that stays with me and helps me through the rest of the day... In this case, I will remember this my whole life.
A long time ago, back in October, He did the same thing. I was starting to truly understand what it was to follow Christ selflessly, and was realizing there were things in my life that I was clinging to and wanted to maintain along with a relationship with Christ. I wanted my Jesus on my terms, and was really wrestling with what it meant to give that up and live fully in God. So I remember sitting in the sanctuary by myself (like I seem to have done a lot of over the past several months) and asking God the tough questions: if I give this up to you, I'll never ... get married, or have a family, or get to travel everywhere, or have success, get my masters - you name it, I thought that i would lose it if I gave up keeping God at arms' length. And He listened to all my arguing, all my tough questions. I asked Him for the answer to everything, just wanted to have some sort of control over the life that I was losing control of anyway. Clear as day, He told me to trust Him, and that all the questions I was asking about my future: "It's a surprise."
This was especially hard to hear because I'm a planner and an executer. I see something I want, and I work hard to get it. If it doesn't go the way I expected it to go, I make back-up plans and figure out a second-best option. Nothing catches me off-guard, nothing startles me, and I can always tell you the end of the story because I'm the one who made the story happen the way I wanted it to happen in the first place.
Sound selfish? A little? Yeah. This mindset has worked for me until moving to Northern Virginia; I've since watched everything gracefully fall apart. Now I'm in this dark church sanctuary, begging for answers, and I hear, "It's a surprise. Your life's work - well, you'll just be surprised at what you end up doing for Me. Maybe you'll get a masters degree, but it'll be in something I want you to have. Maybe you'll get married. Maybe you know him already, and maybe you don't; but until then, you are Mine. It's all a surprise. So quit planning and just trust me."
So since then, more and more has crumbled into a heap of ashes at the feet of Jesus to get to the point I am now: no plans, no clues, no ideas, and no hint of what could possibly be around the corner. And yesterday, I sat there thinking over this fact, that God does have me where He wants me, and I am blessed to be able to freely love Him and obey Him, and through it all, He will yet be glorified. And in the quiet moment, He spoke to me sweet words that brought more comfort than I could ever imagine: "You will know Me." Through all this, on the lonely days, on the days you have questions, on the days you think you really went wrong, and on the days that you think nothing you do brings me honor, child, you will know Me.
You will know Me. Direct - there was no question I meant Ellen Marie Baumgardner.
You will know Me. It's a promise; a guarantee. Trust it.
You will know Me. Recognize My voice; rejoice in My presence.
You will know Me. The God of the universe; uncomprehendable.
........................................................................................................................................................
The voice of God is an undeniable voice that speaks truth that can be trusted. So thankful for the words I heard yesterday, and the journey forward that will bring me closer to my sweet Savior.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
My First Hair-Dying Experience
I've never done this before. I have an hour to kill. Spur of the moment. Just walk in.
So I go into the Salon yesterday and its this awesome guy who I'm pretty sure was a flaming homosexual yet happened to be wonderful at dying hair. And he looks at me and goes "So girl, what's it gonna be todaaay?" And I pull out this picture and in my head, I'm running through all the things Kiara's told me to ask for in hair dye, trying to wrap my head around the fact that for the first time in my entire life I'm going to dye my hair.
Dark Brown/Auburn. And its going to be good. Kiara said that color would make my eyes pop, and to make sure I ask for just a little red b/c apparently too much will just make it all look wrong. Then wait, all of a sudden I've got eyebrows to worry about and what if they don't match my new hair color holy crap im going to have to dye them too and if i dont i'll be the freak with weird eyebrows and too-red dark hair.
Memories. stabbing me. Talked about dying my hair before but never followed through with it. The curls, the smiles, the "what-ifs," the possibilities that used to exist and never came to fruition, riding in the car with the windows down feeling so happy and light like nothing would ever shatter. Nothing could go wrong. Then out of nowhere I'm stripped of the security I thought I had and the flattery and the deceit slam into me like a ton of bricks and suddenly I just want to dye my hair anything and be totally new, something different and unrecognizable. I was doing fine. When did I get here?
Kenny's saying something and I snap back. He's holding up different colors and telling me which will make my eyes pop. Which go well with my skin tone, and not to worry, he's done this for 14 years and knows what he's doing. Deep breaths, just let Kenny tell you what looks best and quit worrying. Jump, don't think just jump. Just go.
So I pick a color. Kenny's "very pleased" with my decision and starts mixing the colors and washing my hair and I close my eyes and try to focus on eveything new in life. Every new start. The reasons for the new starts are like rays of sunshine peeking through my clouds today. I wonder what else is out there; its a big ol' world, ya know. Kenny's talking about California; I guess I told him I was going there soon and he's suddenly filling my head with places to go, things to see, mountains to climb, etc.
The dye's in. I'm getting a sweet little head massage simultaneously.
"So, why did you want to dye your hair?" Mmmm. Loaded question, Kenny.
"I just needed a change."
"Why did you need a change?" You don't quit, do ya Kenny?
So I start rambling about moving and graduating from college a year ago and getting a job up here and getting settled in... he's buying it...
"You want a change from all that? Those sound like good things." Dude. You're killing me. So fine, I'll become that girl who tells her life's tragedies to her hairstylist. I can totally do that.
"I just went through this break up. So I figured I'd dye my hair. I always wanted to, and now I just kinda feel like, 'why not,' ya know?"
"Oooooooh, and there it is.. Girl. I gotcha. I totally get it."
No, Kenny. You don't. But thanks for playing.
So the red of the dye hits my skin and it starts to stain my forehead and looks a bit like blood. Not cool. This was supposed to just be a quick little salon visit, not Ellen's vampire transformation. Next thing I know, I'll have fangs. Maybe I'm just too pale. Maybe I need to seriously hit the beach this weekend. I should work out more before I do that. I should run more, but wait I don't have time for anything and I feel like I'm in this race against time, where one day I'll be morbidly obese because I decided at 23 to keep myself busy 24/7 and not exercise. Spiralling into this. Losing control, and now there's red on my face and I can't get it off and the insecurities are slamming me again and I'm gripping for something that's not there - something I thought was there all along but never really existed in the first place...
Wow. Low. Feeling like the control is all gone, like the safety of someone else is all gone, like my world is cracked open and bleeding there's no tourniquet in sight. My God, I'm not even asking to be healed, I just want a little relief for a while.
So its done. I go back to get my hair washed again and Kenny gently removes all the red stains from my face. He rinses it out and from the corner of my eye, he's smiling. Actually, smiling is an understatement. That man has "happy" written all over his face.
"I love it." He didn't even sound like he was trying to flatter me; he just genuinely sounded like an artist who was pleased with his work.
Still haven't seen the finished product. He blow-drys my hair and styles it and I look in the mirror. It's a deep brown with hints of auburn throughout, and my eyebrows look completely natural with it, and my eyes are blue and I feel ... peaceful. New.
I love it, too.
So I go into the Salon yesterday and its this awesome guy who I'm pretty sure was a flaming homosexual yet happened to be wonderful at dying hair. And he looks at me and goes "So girl, what's it gonna be todaaay?" And I pull out this picture and in my head, I'm running through all the things Kiara's told me to ask for in hair dye, trying to wrap my head around the fact that for the first time in my entire life I'm going to dye my hair.
Dark Brown/Auburn. And its going to be good. Kiara said that color would make my eyes pop, and to make sure I ask for just a little red b/c apparently too much will just make it all look wrong. Then wait, all of a sudden I've got eyebrows to worry about and what if they don't match my new hair color holy crap im going to have to dye them too and if i dont i'll be the freak with weird eyebrows and too-red dark hair.
Memories. stabbing me. Talked about dying my hair before but never followed through with it. The curls, the smiles, the "what-ifs," the possibilities that used to exist and never came to fruition, riding in the car with the windows down feeling so happy and light like nothing would ever shatter. Nothing could go wrong. Then out of nowhere I'm stripped of the security I thought I had and the flattery and the deceit slam into me like a ton of bricks and suddenly I just want to dye my hair anything and be totally new, something different and unrecognizable. I was doing fine. When did I get here?
Kenny's saying something and I snap back. He's holding up different colors and telling me which will make my eyes pop. Which go well with my skin tone, and not to worry, he's done this for 14 years and knows what he's doing. Deep breaths, just let Kenny tell you what looks best and quit worrying. Jump, don't think just jump. Just go.
So I pick a color. Kenny's "very pleased" with my decision and starts mixing the colors and washing my hair and I close my eyes and try to focus on eveything new in life. Every new start. The reasons for the new starts are like rays of sunshine peeking through my clouds today. I wonder what else is out there; its a big ol' world, ya know. Kenny's talking about California; I guess I told him I was going there soon and he's suddenly filling my head with places to go, things to see, mountains to climb, etc.
The dye's in. I'm getting a sweet little head massage simultaneously.
"So, why did you want to dye your hair?" Mmmm. Loaded question, Kenny.
"I just needed a change."
"Why did you need a change?" You don't quit, do ya Kenny?
So I start rambling about moving and graduating from college a year ago and getting a job up here and getting settled in... he's buying it...
"You want a change from all that? Those sound like good things." Dude. You're killing me. So fine, I'll become that girl who tells her life's tragedies to her hairstylist. I can totally do that.
"I just went through this break up. So I figured I'd dye my hair. I always wanted to, and now I just kinda feel like, 'why not,' ya know?"
"Oooooooh, and there it is.. Girl. I gotcha. I totally get it."
No, Kenny. You don't. But thanks for playing.
So the red of the dye hits my skin and it starts to stain my forehead and looks a bit like blood. Not cool. This was supposed to just be a quick little salon visit, not Ellen's vampire transformation. Next thing I know, I'll have fangs. Maybe I'm just too pale. Maybe I need to seriously hit the beach this weekend. I should work out more before I do that. I should run more, but wait I don't have time for anything and I feel like I'm in this race against time, where one day I'll be morbidly obese because I decided at 23 to keep myself busy 24/7 and not exercise. Spiralling into this. Losing control, and now there's red on my face and I can't get it off and the insecurities are slamming me again and I'm gripping for something that's not there - something I thought was there all along but never really existed in the first place...
Wow. Low. Feeling like the control is all gone, like the safety of someone else is all gone, like my world is cracked open and bleeding there's no tourniquet in sight. My God, I'm not even asking to be healed, I just want a little relief for a while.
So its done. I go back to get my hair washed again and Kenny gently removes all the red stains from my face. He rinses it out and from the corner of my eye, he's smiling. Actually, smiling is an understatement. That man has "happy" written all over his face.
"I love it." He didn't even sound like he was trying to flatter me; he just genuinely sounded like an artist who was pleased with his work.
Still haven't seen the finished product. He blow-drys my hair and styles it and I look in the mirror. It's a deep brown with hints of auburn throughout, and my eyebrows look completely natural with it, and my eyes are blue and I feel ... peaceful. New.
I love it, too.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
In the Quiet
Quiet Morning in the office. its 7:58 and getting here early definitely has its advantages. I can clear my head and just mentally prepare for the day, like I did a long time ago with the moment of silence we used to have in school.
So much is happening. The Lord invites me into His presence every morning when I read the Psalms, and the time I get to spend with Him is precious.
I remember the days when I dreaded getting out of bed because all I was met with all day long was helplessness. When it felt like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and the only thing I could feel was lonely. I remember being so desperate for something inviting and familiar, thinking I'd wasted chances yet knowing that being filled with the Lord was needed. Being surrendered and near to Him wasn't something I'd actually done in a long time. And now, a year later, its like night and day. Like I can't imagine waking up without praising Him, without unbridled joy and gratitude and humility towards this Savior who demands my life only to fill me every day with Himself.
Who am I?
How did I wake up to be this changed person?
When God speaks to me in the quiet of the morning, or when I escape to the mountains and breathe in His beauty, there's abundant clarity and pointed conviction and deep salvation. I've fallen back in love with my Savior, and nothing can compare to that. There's joy in having prayers answered that don't go the way I want them to. I know for a fact my prayer has always been to draw closer to the Lord, but I wanted that relationship on my terms, with things that I was not willing to give up to Him. Things I cherished too much that, in His mercy, He was willing to rip away from me to answer my prayer and draw me closer...
Who am I?
Leaves me so humbled, so thankful. Beyond words.
Can't wait for this journey to keep going. Can't wait to see what the Lord has. There is no joy like belonging to Jesus and knowing that in being made more like Him, He is glorified and I am fulfilled. What perfection.
So much is happening. The Lord invites me into His presence every morning when I read the Psalms, and the time I get to spend with Him is precious.
I remember the days when I dreaded getting out of bed because all I was met with all day long was helplessness. When it felt like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and the only thing I could feel was lonely. I remember being so desperate for something inviting and familiar, thinking I'd wasted chances yet knowing that being filled with the Lord was needed. Being surrendered and near to Him wasn't something I'd actually done in a long time. And now, a year later, its like night and day. Like I can't imagine waking up without praising Him, without unbridled joy and gratitude and humility towards this Savior who demands my life only to fill me every day with Himself.
Who am I?
How did I wake up to be this changed person?
When God speaks to me in the quiet of the morning, or when I escape to the mountains and breathe in His beauty, there's abundant clarity and pointed conviction and deep salvation. I've fallen back in love with my Savior, and nothing can compare to that. There's joy in having prayers answered that don't go the way I want them to. I know for a fact my prayer has always been to draw closer to the Lord, but I wanted that relationship on my terms, with things that I was not willing to give up to Him. Things I cherished too much that, in His mercy, He was willing to rip away from me to answer my prayer and draw me closer...
Who am I?
Leaves me so humbled, so thankful. Beyond words.
Can't wait for this journey to keep going. Can't wait to see what the Lord has. There is no joy like belonging to Jesus and knowing that in being made more like Him, He is glorified and I am fulfilled. What perfection.
Monday, May 23, 2011
DC Day in a Life
Exhausted. Fell asleep at 1 am, and woke up at 2 then 5 then finally at 6 for work. Traffic on 66 was a mess. They shut the whole interstate down and made the cars take the exit ramps around until the construction was over. Then on top of that, there was an accident, though the girl in the car looked pretty terrified. I would've too; it was pretty dark last night.
There's a severe thunderstorm warning today until 6 pm. I got to work today only to discover I'd left my laptop at home, so had to go with traffic back up to Arlington to pick it up. Made me an hour late for work; I'll be here til 5 today. It hasn't been a bad day, just full of things that aren't exactly pleasant. Traffic, sleepiness. Horrible news about the tornado in Joplin, Missouri. Made even worse by the fact that the media is concerned about covering the president drinking Guiness in Ireland to celebrate his heritage. I don't know why that infuriated me so much today, but it really did. Saw red. Need to get a grip. Also need to stop typing in sentence fragments; my sentences need subjects and predicates. I blame technology for making my use of words become lazy & gramatically incorrect.
I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I need to finish reading "Drive," as well as some case studies about motivation. No one's in the office today; a lot of people are going to be on vacation in the coming weeks, and the big meetings are mainly out of the way for the time being. I feel like I can breath a little and just spend time doing solid research. Yes, that gets me excited about my job.
So this market analysis I'm working on is pretty basic with the STEP model (Social, Technological, Economical, and Political factors), but its real life and it dissects Obama's budget proposals (I'll also go through what Congress actually passed to fund the remainder of FY11) and looks at the departments/agencies that continued to recieve funding and why. The "why" is a big deal because that's where we (SNVC) come in, so if FEMA received increased funding (which you can be sure it did, and will continue to be well funding considering the natural disasters that don't seem to let up) you can bet they'll be in need of the best GIS capabilities, as well as better ways to share information more efficiently. SharePoint, etc.
The last solid budget analysis was done by SNVC before Obama was elected in 2007; the housing market was still in tact (as far as we knew) and the main thought would be that immigration and the war on terror would take precedent. We've seen a dramatic decrease in funding to the DoD for the immediate war effort, (not necessarily including defense discretionary that went in last year, but the decrease in troops leads to the conclusion that if more discretionary money is spent in the DoD direction, it will not be as large a sum as Gates received in 2010) but likely an increase towards peacekeeping operations (so in other words, the Army and the Marines may not get as much, but the Navy with their carriers and other battleships that send the message of "quiet intimidation" will likely receive funding) so jump into Naval technologies. Air Force - maybe. I honestly don't know much about the Air Force operations, as we mainly deal with Army.
But the economy bottomed out and the man or woman who wins the White House in 2012 will be the one who can successfully convince America that their plan to create jobs in the PRIVATE SECTOR will work. We saw the government try to create jobs within the federal arena and though it was successful in a way that bureaucracy is successful in giving people confidence, federal workers still need to be paid by taxpayer dollars. And the real genius that spurs the economic growth engine of America is found in its small businesses. So the President will reach out the private sector. Candidates will reach out to the private sector to try to get them interested in tax breaks for businesses, as well as policies for reducing government oversight and redtape to make it seem like starting a business in America is a breeze (which, by the way, its not).
So long story short, I get to do the lions share of the research to figure out where the government is reaching out and how our company can best fit into this puzzle. B/c a government contractor is still only as successful as its government clients, and in the end, its the same tax dollars paying us, too.
Long-winded entry, but still, all different angles that I find interesting. Also found out that one of the internship programs I thought would work out is not going to be successful for a few reasons. Kind of disappointing.
I'm not having a bad day; I wouldn't even call it an "off" day. Everythign still feels very salvagable. I cancelled plans tonight so I can make up these hours, and its so dark outside anyway, I'm kind of in the mood to just curl up and read. With coffee. OOOOH and carrot cake. And orange flowers somewhere on the table, I'm sure :)
I really just want to laugh right now. I want to get into a conversation full of that sarcastic, ridiculous humor that you never see coming and you can't help but crack a smile. I want to see old friends I haven't seen in a long time and just get to know them and love them all over again.
Away from Washington. That would be really nice today.
There's a severe thunderstorm warning today until 6 pm. I got to work today only to discover I'd left my laptop at home, so had to go with traffic back up to Arlington to pick it up. Made me an hour late for work; I'll be here til 5 today. It hasn't been a bad day, just full of things that aren't exactly pleasant. Traffic, sleepiness. Horrible news about the tornado in Joplin, Missouri. Made even worse by the fact that the media is concerned about covering the president drinking Guiness in Ireland to celebrate his heritage. I don't know why that infuriated me so much today, but it really did. Saw red. Need to get a grip. Also need to stop typing in sentence fragments; my sentences need subjects and predicates. I blame technology for making my use of words become lazy & gramatically incorrect.
I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I need to finish reading "Drive," as well as some case studies about motivation. No one's in the office today; a lot of people are going to be on vacation in the coming weeks, and the big meetings are mainly out of the way for the time being. I feel like I can breath a little and just spend time doing solid research. Yes, that gets me excited about my job.
So this market analysis I'm working on is pretty basic with the STEP model (Social, Technological, Economical, and Political factors), but its real life and it dissects Obama's budget proposals (I'll also go through what Congress actually passed to fund the remainder of FY11) and looks at the departments/agencies that continued to recieve funding and why. The "why" is a big deal because that's where we (SNVC) come in, so if FEMA received increased funding (which you can be sure it did, and will continue to be well funding considering the natural disasters that don't seem to let up) you can bet they'll be in need of the best GIS capabilities, as well as better ways to share information more efficiently. SharePoint, etc.
The last solid budget analysis was done by SNVC before Obama was elected in 2007; the housing market was still in tact (as far as we knew) and the main thought would be that immigration and the war on terror would take precedent. We've seen a dramatic decrease in funding to the DoD for the immediate war effort, (not necessarily including defense discretionary that went in last year, but the decrease in troops leads to the conclusion that if more discretionary money is spent in the DoD direction, it will not be as large a sum as Gates received in 2010) but likely an increase towards peacekeeping operations (so in other words, the Army and the Marines may not get as much, but the Navy with their carriers and other battleships that send the message of "quiet intimidation" will likely receive funding) so jump into Naval technologies. Air Force - maybe. I honestly don't know much about the Air Force operations, as we mainly deal with Army.
But the economy bottomed out and the man or woman who wins the White House in 2012 will be the one who can successfully convince America that their plan to create jobs in the PRIVATE SECTOR will work. We saw the government try to create jobs within the federal arena and though it was successful in a way that bureaucracy is successful in giving people confidence, federal workers still need to be paid by taxpayer dollars. And the real genius that spurs the economic growth engine of America is found in its small businesses. So the President will reach out the private sector. Candidates will reach out to the private sector to try to get them interested in tax breaks for businesses, as well as policies for reducing government oversight and redtape to make it seem like starting a business in America is a breeze (which, by the way, its not).
So long story short, I get to do the lions share of the research to figure out where the government is reaching out and how our company can best fit into this puzzle. B/c a government contractor is still only as successful as its government clients, and in the end, its the same tax dollars paying us, too.
Long-winded entry, but still, all different angles that I find interesting. Also found out that one of the internship programs I thought would work out is not going to be successful for a few reasons. Kind of disappointing.
I'm not having a bad day; I wouldn't even call it an "off" day. Everythign still feels very salvagable. I cancelled plans tonight so I can make up these hours, and its so dark outside anyway, I'm kind of in the mood to just curl up and read. With coffee. OOOOH and carrot cake. And orange flowers somewhere on the table, I'm sure :)
I really just want to laugh right now. I want to get into a conversation full of that sarcastic, ridiculous humor that you never see coming and you can't help but crack a smile. I want to see old friends I haven't seen in a long time and just get to know them and love them all over again.
Away from Washington. That would be really nice today.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
You should know.
My Child,
I want you to know that I knew exactly what I was doing when I let them nail me there. I knew all the wrongs you would ever commit, and I knew what you thought you'd be able to get away with before you finally understood why I hung on a cross.
I know I could've walked away from it, and I know I didn't deserve to be treated that way. But I wanted you more. So much more than I didn't want to be in pain, I wanted you to one day look at me on this cross, dying so your sins would be forgiven by God, and know that I did not have to do this, but I wanted to.
I love you that much. I believe in the plan of your life through me THAT MUCH that I refused to get off the cross and leave you to a life bound for death. I wanted you back more than I didn't want to suffer. Don't you get that? Can't you open your eyes and see that I wouldn't have died to let you live a mediocre life, and when you go through trials of many kinds, I died so your peace and your hope could be found in a God who loves you more than I ever wanted to live without you.
Child, your tears are real and your pain is real and I know you feel worthless right now; like nothing you do will ever be good enough and that you've failed in so many ways. I know that. And I died so I could take those failures upon myself and redeem them, child, understand that I live so you, too, can LIVE. I conquered the death you deserved so I could give you something better, as my Father originally intended. I live so you can be mine and only mine, held in the palm of my hand in the storm, and I live so I can be your Rock and the strength of your heart and your portion forever, so I can protect you from being overwhelmed and overtaken by this life.
Don't you know that even if only one person out of the entire human race had turned to me and trusted the life I offer, filled with forgiveness and overwhelming, faithful love - that alone, to me, is worth dying for. I know that I satisfy you because I created you solely to be satisfied by me. I believe in you and Me together so much so that I died for us to have this relationship; for you to turn to me and follow me and die to yourself and all the desires that tricked you into misery before - I died so you could live free of those and walking close to me. Letting me guide your life closer to my Father and to the things He desires for you; all good things so His name will be praised throughout the world and you will, in turn, have Me, child. I died so you could have my life, my walk with the Father, fulfillment, satisfaction, and love.
So child, you feel these things now and you are broken because of it all. I understand the gravity of feelings, but I am truth and feelings can never be trusted. I believe in you and Me so much that I stayed on that cross and paid for your sins so we could be together forever, not separated because you "feel" like you don't deserve me. YOU ARE MINE. I rejoice over you choosing to follow me and trust me because the PLAN for your life is so much more than you could ever imagine! And you'll grow closer to Me and my Father and He'll make your life into a reflection of His glory.
A reflection, child. That requires a mirror image. Do you know how they make glass? Through tiny grains of sand. Through shambles. Shards. Dust. Nothing. I make your life into that mirror, despite your brokenness I'll make you my mirror.
When I died, I was thinking of how amazing it would be if you repented and trusted me. You did, and I'm holding you, and nothing gives me more joy than to hold my children. There's joy in heaven tonight, child, because you are mine.
I knew what I was doing.
I want you to know that I knew exactly what I was doing when I let them nail me there. I knew all the wrongs you would ever commit, and I knew what you thought you'd be able to get away with before you finally understood why I hung on a cross.
I know I could've walked away from it, and I know I didn't deserve to be treated that way. But I wanted you more. So much more than I didn't want to be in pain, I wanted you to one day look at me on this cross, dying so your sins would be forgiven by God, and know that I did not have to do this, but I wanted to.
I love you that much. I believe in the plan of your life through me THAT MUCH that I refused to get off the cross and leave you to a life bound for death. I wanted you back more than I didn't want to suffer. Don't you get that? Can't you open your eyes and see that I wouldn't have died to let you live a mediocre life, and when you go through trials of many kinds, I died so your peace and your hope could be found in a God who loves you more than I ever wanted to live without you.
Child, your tears are real and your pain is real and I know you feel worthless right now; like nothing you do will ever be good enough and that you've failed in so many ways. I know that. And I died so I could take those failures upon myself and redeem them, child, understand that I live so you, too, can LIVE. I conquered the death you deserved so I could give you something better, as my Father originally intended. I live so you can be mine and only mine, held in the palm of my hand in the storm, and I live so I can be your Rock and the strength of your heart and your portion forever, so I can protect you from being overwhelmed and overtaken by this life.
Don't you know that even if only one person out of the entire human race had turned to me and trusted the life I offer, filled with forgiveness and overwhelming, faithful love - that alone, to me, is worth dying for. I know that I satisfy you because I created you solely to be satisfied by me. I believe in you and Me together so much so that I died for us to have this relationship; for you to turn to me and follow me and die to yourself and all the desires that tricked you into misery before - I died so you could live free of those and walking close to me. Letting me guide your life closer to my Father and to the things He desires for you; all good things so His name will be praised throughout the world and you will, in turn, have Me, child. I died so you could have my life, my walk with the Father, fulfillment, satisfaction, and love.
So child, you feel these things now and you are broken because of it all. I understand the gravity of feelings, but I am truth and feelings can never be trusted. I believe in you and Me so much that I stayed on that cross and paid for your sins so we could be together forever, not separated because you "feel" like you don't deserve me. YOU ARE MINE. I rejoice over you choosing to follow me and trust me because the PLAN for your life is so much more than you could ever imagine! And you'll grow closer to Me and my Father and He'll make your life into a reflection of His glory.
A reflection, child. That requires a mirror image. Do you know how they make glass? Through tiny grains of sand. Through shambles. Shards. Dust. Nothing. I make your life into that mirror, despite your brokenness I'll make you my mirror.
When I died, I was thinking of how amazing it would be if you repented and trusted me. You did, and I'm holding you, and nothing gives me more joy than to hold my children. There's joy in heaven tonight, child, because you are mine.
I knew what I was doing.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Immensely Enjoy & Mega-Loathe List
(Started this list on facebook my freshman year of college - its still not done :)
i have decided to make a list of things i enjoy immensely [not love but like a lot], and things i mega-loathe [again, not hate, but almost].
enjoy immensely:
chinese day in the commons.
Skyline Drive
my favorite blue bandana [as modeled in my profile picture.]
lions bridge at sunset.
concerts involving crazy rock bands and crazy rock band fans.
being tan.
my old, beat-up coca-cola flu-mug.
being blessed with a mechanical pencil that never [and i mean NEVER] runs out of lead.
muffin days.
the color orange.
the eupohoria i experience from riding my bike 90 000 000 mph down this huge incline on riverside drive.
realizing im watching an episode of "scrubs" ive never seen before.
the cool pictures i can take using my mac.
snuggling under covers that keep me warm at night.
falling down into a squishy, comfortable sofa.
genuinely good, honest, heartfelt lyrics that make a song amazing.
clearance racks at target.
finding money in the most unlikely places.
the thought of nashville.
Warm, thoughtful, brutally honest, genuine conversations
my home-made superman shirt.
chips and salsa.
BBC News.
Peter Pan Honey-Roasted Crunchy peanut butter
the original oreo sandwich cookies.
going inside and warming up after a cold day
music kicks, where, for weeks at a time, i can't get enough of a certain band/genre
the satisfaction of a good run
Old Spice Deodorant
learning about completely different ways of life
writing and receiving hand-written letters
the thrilling moment right before you know you're going to see someone you love who you haven't seen in so long
boat rides
Annapolis
the batting range.
blogging whenever I want.
half-marathons
Seeing everything green because spring is finally here
mega loathe:
invaded quiet-time.
not being able to get someone out of you head when that someone doesn't even know you exist.
missed opportunities to know people better.
being asked a question I don't know the answer to.
last minute changes
procrastination
the knowledge that you let too much time/distance lapse between a friendship and having to accept you're not as close to someone as you once were.
being bored.
DC traffic
complaining. especially when the complainer is an older, mature professional.
the smell of goats. blech.
vaccuuming at the gym.
cussing at completely random, unnecessary times.
losing things right when i really need them.
losing tetris.
laundry.
eight o'clock classes.
waking up and finding my bike has been stolen.
chapped lips.
uncharged ipod.
the fear that one day, my mechanical pencil may actually run out of lead.
not being able to breathe through my nose.
missing breakfast.
people who can't sing, shouldn't. i dont care if you can play guitar; letsomeone else do the singing. please.
my broken dorm phone.
the song "tik-tok."
Jefferson Ave, Warwick Blvd, and/or Route 17 traffic.
Katie Holmes.
popped collars.
getting burned by hot grease from fryers at the country club.
12 year old white boys trying to act gangster.
misquito bites.
delays at the airport.
being late for anything.
getting lost anywhere.
icy roads.
cold weather in general
last minute change in plans
i have decided to make a list of things i enjoy immensely [not love but like a lot], and things i mega-loathe [again, not hate, but almost].
enjoy immensely:
chinese day in the commons.
Skyline Drive
my favorite blue bandana [as modeled in my profile picture.]
lions bridge at sunset.
concerts involving crazy rock bands and crazy rock band fans.
being tan.
my old, beat-up coca-cola flu-mug.
being blessed with a mechanical pencil that never [and i mean NEVER] runs out of lead.
muffin days.
the color orange.
the eupohoria i experience from riding my bike 90 000 000 mph down this huge incline on riverside drive.
realizing im watching an episode of "scrubs" ive never seen before.
the cool pictures i can take using my mac.
snuggling under covers that keep me warm at night.
falling down into a squishy, comfortable sofa.
genuinely good, honest, heartfelt lyrics that make a song amazing.
clearance racks at target.
finding money in the most unlikely places.
the thought of nashville.
Warm, thoughtful, brutally honest, genuine conversations
my home-made superman shirt.
chips and salsa.
BBC News.
Peter Pan Honey-Roasted Crunchy peanut butter
the original oreo sandwich cookies.
going inside and warming up after a cold day
music kicks, where, for weeks at a time, i can't get enough of a certain band/genre
the satisfaction of a good run
Old Spice Deodorant
learning about completely different ways of life
writing and receiving hand-written letters
the thrilling moment right before you know you're going to see someone you love who you haven't seen in so long
boat rides
Annapolis
the batting range.
blogging whenever I want.
half-marathons
Seeing everything green because spring is finally here
mega loathe:
invaded quiet-time.
not being able to get someone out of you head when that someone doesn't even know you exist.
missed opportunities to know people better.
being asked a question I don't know the answer to.
last minute changes
procrastination
the knowledge that you let too much time/distance lapse between a friendship and having to accept you're not as close to someone as you once were.
being bored.
DC traffic
complaining. especially when the complainer is an older, mature professional.
the smell of goats. blech.
vaccuuming at the gym.
cussing at completely random, unnecessary times.
losing things right when i really need them.
losing tetris.
laundry.
eight o'clock classes.
waking up and finding my bike has been stolen.
chapped lips.
uncharged ipod.
the fear that one day, my mechanical pencil may actually run out of lead.
not being able to breathe through my nose.
missing breakfast.
people who can't sing, shouldn't. i dont care if you can play guitar; letsomeone else do the singing. please.
my broken dorm phone.
the song "tik-tok."
Jefferson Ave, Warwick Blvd, and/or Route 17 traffic.
Katie Holmes.
popped collars.
getting burned by hot grease from fryers at the country club.
12 year old white boys trying to act gangster.
misquito bites.
delays at the airport.
being late for anything.
getting lost anywhere.
icy roads.
cold weather in general
last minute change in plans
Monday, May 16, 2011
How Being Alive Feels
I feel very free, like I get to be the girl in a song who heals, or rejoices or screams at the top of my lungs or falls in love. Lucky, right? Feels there's overwhelming joy coming through to me unexpectedly, like its jumping out at me from right around the corner. Startling. I can laugh in delight at this surprise and the peace that follows. The anticipation is a fire and I'm smoldering now, ready for more, needing more, craving more life like its my purpose to do so; much more than to merely exist.
I feel like its honest. If I'm bleeding, just bleed because I know I made mistakes; or acknowledge that life isn't always fair and move on. Mourn. Wear black until the sunshine makes it unbearable, but pull no punches. Have the nightmares and wake up to truth. Cling to truth desparately, like its all I have. It is all I have. Stand up for right, regardless of being alone.
Dream. And dream richly, so my soul is fulfilled and I don't need the material wealth of the world to satisfy me. Find joy in simplicity and hold onto faith, hope, and love. Submit to that higher power because I'm not going to win. Quit fighting and accept forgiveness and redemption. Then find the river and wash myself until I'm clean and live free. Heal. Hold on. Cling. Press on further in the freedom of that River and the beauty all around me in the middle of nowhere.
Be free. Be complete. Kick off my shoes and stay in the company of people who won't judge me; they all know the River just as well. Smile at them and see in their souls that they are just as grateful for the cold, clear, crisp, powerful water that dissovlved their stains. Let them take my hands and give me food and drink, and meditate on the fact that in that moment, I have everything I'll ever need and I am the richest one in the world.
And love; Sweet. Its like love is waiting out there somewhere and the more broken I become, the more magnificent the love will seem when its found. I'll be pieced back together by the Potter's hands, but in your love for Him you'll see how He healed my life and rejoice with me over such a miracle. We'll rejoice over you, as well. If love had a color, it would be white and glowing because of its purity and power. You'd steal my attention completely, love. You'd be a soft place to land and we'd be comfort to each other. We wouldn't withhold life from one another, but give it freely. We'd dream together and build together. We'd laugh outrageously at the secrets only you and I knew, and we'd be the best of friends and lovers. We'd hold hands and shyly catch each others' eye from across the room and escape together to a place wrapped in beauty. We'd swim in the ocean and find the waves and hold onto each other when the wind became too powerful and enjoy the sun on the sand during peaceful weather. Peace. Perfect. Hold onto that and don't let it go. Its a gift, just like love. We'll have it all, won't we? One day our world will be electric with love and we'll marvel at how God brought us together to this ocean; so rich and deep and powerful.
But to live is to grasp all the potential you possibly can with your human mind of what God has placed in your heart to dream. None of this even scratches the surface. I can't even imagine.
I feel like its honest. If I'm bleeding, just bleed because I know I made mistakes; or acknowledge that life isn't always fair and move on. Mourn. Wear black until the sunshine makes it unbearable, but pull no punches. Have the nightmares and wake up to truth. Cling to truth desparately, like its all I have. It is all I have. Stand up for right, regardless of being alone.
Dream. And dream richly, so my soul is fulfilled and I don't need the material wealth of the world to satisfy me. Find joy in simplicity and hold onto faith, hope, and love. Submit to that higher power because I'm not going to win. Quit fighting and accept forgiveness and redemption. Then find the river and wash myself until I'm clean and live free. Heal. Hold on. Cling. Press on further in the freedom of that River and the beauty all around me in the middle of nowhere.
Be free. Be complete. Kick off my shoes and stay in the company of people who won't judge me; they all know the River just as well. Smile at them and see in their souls that they are just as grateful for the cold, clear, crisp, powerful water that dissovlved their stains. Let them take my hands and give me food and drink, and meditate on the fact that in that moment, I have everything I'll ever need and I am the richest one in the world.
And love; Sweet. Its like love is waiting out there somewhere and the more broken I become, the more magnificent the love will seem when its found. I'll be pieced back together by the Potter's hands, but in your love for Him you'll see how He healed my life and rejoice with me over such a miracle. We'll rejoice over you, as well. If love had a color, it would be white and glowing because of its purity and power. You'd steal my attention completely, love. You'd be a soft place to land and we'd be comfort to each other. We wouldn't withhold life from one another, but give it freely. We'd dream together and build together. We'd laugh outrageously at the secrets only you and I knew, and we'd be the best of friends and lovers. We'd hold hands and shyly catch each others' eye from across the room and escape together to a place wrapped in beauty. We'd swim in the ocean and find the waves and hold onto each other when the wind became too powerful and enjoy the sun on the sand during peaceful weather. Peace. Perfect. Hold onto that and don't let it go. Its a gift, just like love. We'll have it all, won't we? One day our world will be electric with love and we'll marvel at how God brought us together to this ocean; so rich and deep and powerful.
But to live is to grasp all the potential you possibly can with your human mind of what God has placed in your heart to dream. None of this even scratches the surface. I can't even imagine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)