My Child,
I want you to know that I knew exactly what I was doing when I let them nail me there. I knew all the wrongs you would ever commit, and I knew what you thought you'd be able to get away with before you finally understood why I hung on a cross.
I know I could've walked away from it, and I know I didn't deserve to be treated that way. But I wanted you more. So much more than I didn't want to be in pain, I wanted you to one day look at me on this cross, dying so your sins would be forgiven by God, and know that I did not have to do this, but I wanted to.
I love you that much. I believe in the plan of your life through me THAT MUCH that I refused to get off the cross and leave you to a life bound for death. I wanted you back more than I didn't want to suffer. Don't you get that? Can't you open your eyes and see that I wouldn't have died to let you live a mediocre life, and when you go through trials of many kinds, I died so your peace and your hope could be found in a God who loves you more than I ever wanted to live without you.
Child, your tears are real and your pain is real and I know you feel worthless right now; like nothing you do will ever be good enough and that you've failed in so many ways. I know that. And I died so I could take those failures upon myself and redeem them, child, understand that I live so you, too, can LIVE. I conquered the death you deserved so I could give you something better, as my Father originally intended. I live so you can be mine and only mine, held in the palm of my hand in the storm, and I live so I can be your Rock and the strength of your heart and your portion forever, so I can protect you from being overwhelmed and overtaken by this life.
Don't you know that even if only one person out of the entire human race had turned to me and trusted the life I offer, filled with forgiveness and overwhelming, faithful love - that alone, to me, is worth dying for. I know that I satisfy you because I created you solely to be satisfied by me. I believe in you and Me together so much so that I died for us to have this relationship; for you to turn to me and follow me and die to yourself and all the desires that tricked you into misery before - I died so you could live free of those and walking close to me. Letting me guide your life closer to my Father and to the things He desires for you; all good things so His name will be praised throughout the world and you will, in turn, have Me, child. I died so you could have my life, my walk with the Father, fulfillment, satisfaction, and love.
So child, you feel these things now and you are broken because of it all. I understand the gravity of feelings, but I am truth and feelings can never be trusted. I believe in you and Me so much that I stayed on that cross and paid for your sins so we could be together forever, not separated because you "feel" like you don't deserve me. YOU ARE MINE. I rejoice over you choosing to follow me and trust me because the PLAN for your life is so much more than you could ever imagine! And you'll grow closer to Me and my Father and He'll make your life into a reflection of His glory.
A reflection, child. That requires a mirror image. Do you know how they make glass? Through tiny grains of sand. Through shambles. Shards. Dust. Nothing. I make your life into that mirror, despite your brokenness I'll make you my mirror.
When I died, I was thinking of how amazing it would be if you repented and trusted me. You did, and I'm holding you, and nothing gives me more joy than to hold my children. There's joy in heaven tonight, child, because you are mine.
I knew what I was doing.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Immensely Enjoy & Mega-Loathe List
(Started this list on facebook my freshman year of college - its still not done :)
i have decided to make a list of things i enjoy immensely [not love but like a lot], and things i mega-loathe [again, not hate, but almost].
enjoy immensely:
chinese day in the commons.
Skyline Drive
my favorite blue bandana [as modeled in my profile picture.]
lions bridge at sunset.
concerts involving crazy rock bands and crazy rock band fans.
being tan.
my old, beat-up coca-cola flu-mug.
being blessed with a mechanical pencil that never [and i mean NEVER] runs out of lead.
muffin days.
the color orange.
the eupohoria i experience from riding my bike 90 000 000 mph down this huge incline on riverside drive.
realizing im watching an episode of "scrubs" ive never seen before.
the cool pictures i can take using my mac.
snuggling under covers that keep me warm at night.
falling down into a squishy, comfortable sofa.
genuinely good, honest, heartfelt lyrics that make a song amazing.
clearance racks at target.
finding money in the most unlikely places.
the thought of nashville.
Warm, thoughtful, brutally honest, genuine conversations
my home-made superman shirt.
chips and salsa.
BBC News.
Peter Pan Honey-Roasted Crunchy peanut butter
the original oreo sandwich cookies.
going inside and warming up after a cold day
music kicks, where, for weeks at a time, i can't get enough of a certain band/genre
the satisfaction of a good run
Old Spice Deodorant
learning about completely different ways of life
writing and receiving hand-written letters
the thrilling moment right before you know you're going to see someone you love who you haven't seen in so long
boat rides
Annapolis
the batting range.
blogging whenever I want.
half-marathons
Seeing everything green because spring is finally here
mega loathe:
invaded quiet-time.
not being able to get someone out of you head when that someone doesn't even know you exist.
missed opportunities to know people better.
being asked a question I don't know the answer to.
last minute changes
procrastination
the knowledge that you let too much time/distance lapse between a friendship and having to accept you're not as close to someone as you once were.
being bored.
DC traffic
complaining. especially when the complainer is an older, mature professional.
the smell of goats. blech.
vaccuuming at the gym.
cussing at completely random, unnecessary times.
losing things right when i really need them.
losing tetris.
laundry.
eight o'clock classes.
waking up and finding my bike has been stolen.
chapped lips.
uncharged ipod.
the fear that one day, my mechanical pencil may actually run out of lead.
not being able to breathe through my nose.
missing breakfast.
people who can't sing, shouldn't. i dont care if you can play guitar; letsomeone else do the singing. please.
my broken dorm phone.
the song "tik-tok."
Jefferson Ave, Warwick Blvd, and/or Route 17 traffic.
Katie Holmes.
popped collars.
getting burned by hot grease from fryers at the country club.
12 year old white boys trying to act gangster.
misquito bites.
delays at the airport.
being late for anything.
getting lost anywhere.
icy roads.
cold weather in general
last minute change in plans
i have decided to make a list of things i enjoy immensely [not love but like a lot], and things i mega-loathe [again, not hate, but almost].
enjoy immensely:
chinese day in the commons.
Skyline Drive
my favorite blue bandana [as modeled in my profile picture.]
lions bridge at sunset.
concerts involving crazy rock bands and crazy rock band fans.
being tan.
my old, beat-up coca-cola flu-mug.
being blessed with a mechanical pencil that never [and i mean NEVER] runs out of lead.
muffin days.
the color orange.
the eupohoria i experience from riding my bike 90 000 000 mph down this huge incline on riverside drive.
realizing im watching an episode of "scrubs" ive never seen before.
the cool pictures i can take using my mac.
snuggling under covers that keep me warm at night.
falling down into a squishy, comfortable sofa.
genuinely good, honest, heartfelt lyrics that make a song amazing.
clearance racks at target.
finding money in the most unlikely places.
the thought of nashville.
Warm, thoughtful, brutally honest, genuine conversations
my home-made superman shirt.
chips and salsa.
BBC News.
Peter Pan Honey-Roasted Crunchy peanut butter
the original oreo sandwich cookies.
going inside and warming up after a cold day
music kicks, where, for weeks at a time, i can't get enough of a certain band/genre
the satisfaction of a good run
Old Spice Deodorant
learning about completely different ways of life
writing and receiving hand-written letters
the thrilling moment right before you know you're going to see someone you love who you haven't seen in so long
boat rides
Annapolis
the batting range.
blogging whenever I want.
half-marathons
Seeing everything green because spring is finally here
mega loathe:
invaded quiet-time.
not being able to get someone out of you head when that someone doesn't even know you exist.
missed opportunities to know people better.
being asked a question I don't know the answer to.
last minute changes
procrastination
the knowledge that you let too much time/distance lapse between a friendship and having to accept you're not as close to someone as you once were.
being bored.
DC traffic
complaining. especially when the complainer is an older, mature professional.
the smell of goats. blech.
vaccuuming at the gym.
cussing at completely random, unnecessary times.
losing things right when i really need them.
losing tetris.
laundry.
eight o'clock classes.
waking up and finding my bike has been stolen.
chapped lips.
uncharged ipod.
the fear that one day, my mechanical pencil may actually run out of lead.
not being able to breathe through my nose.
missing breakfast.
people who can't sing, shouldn't. i dont care if you can play guitar; letsomeone else do the singing. please.
my broken dorm phone.
the song "tik-tok."
Jefferson Ave, Warwick Blvd, and/or Route 17 traffic.
Katie Holmes.
popped collars.
getting burned by hot grease from fryers at the country club.
12 year old white boys trying to act gangster.
misquito bites.
delays at the airport.
being late for anything.
getting lost anywhere.
icy roads.
cold weather in general
last minute change in plans
Monday, May 16, 2011
How Being Alive Feels
I feel very free, like I get to be the girl in a song who heals, or rejoices or screams at the top of my lungs or falls in love. Lucky, right? Feels there's overwhelming joy coming through to me unexpectedly, like its jumping out at me from right around the corner. Startling. I can laugh in delight at this surprise and the peace that follows. The anticipation is a fire and I'm smoldering now, ready for more, needing more, craving more life like its my purpose to do so; much more than to merely exist.
I feel like its honest. If I'm bleeding, just bleed because I know I made mistakes; or acknowledge that life isn't always fair and move on. Mourn. Wear black until the sunshine makes it unbearable, but pull no punches. Have the nightmares and wake up to truth. Cling to truth desparately, like its all I have. It is all I have. Stand up for right, regardless of being alone.
Dream. And dream richly, so my soul is fulfilled and I don't need the material wealth of the world to satisfy me. Find joy in simplicity and hold onto faith, hope, and love. Submit to that higher power because I'm not going to win. Quit fighting and accept forgiveness and redemption. Then find the river and wash myself until I'm clean and live free. Heal. Hold on. Cling. Press on further in the freedom of that River and the beauty all around me in the middle of nowhere.
Be free. Be complete. Kick off my shoes and stay in the company of people who won't judge me; they all know the River just as well. Smile at them and see in their souls that they are just as grateful for the cold, clear, crisp, powerful water that dissovlved their stains. Let them take my hands and give me food and drink, and meditate on the fact that in that moment, I have everything I'll ever need and I am the richest one in the world.
And love; Sweet. Its like love is waiting out there somewhere and the more broken I become, the more magnificent the love will seem when its found. I'll be pieced back together by the Potter's hands, but in your love for Him you'll see how He healed my life and rejoice with me over such a miracle. We'll rejoice over you, as well. If love had a color, it would be white and glowing because of its purity and power. You'd steal my attention completely, love. You'd be a soft place to land and we'd be comfort to each other. We wouldn't withhold life from one another, but give it freely. We'd dream together and build together. We'd laugh outrageously at the secrets only you and I knew, and we'd be the best of friends and lovers. We'd hold hands and shyly catch each others' eye from across the room and escape together to a place wrapped in beauty. We'd swim in the ocean and find the waves and hold onto each other when the wind became too powerful and enjoy the sun on the sand during peaceful weather. Peace. Perfect. Hold onto that and don't let it go. Its a gift, just like love. We'll have it all, won't we? One day our world will be electric with love and we'll marvel at how God brought us together to this ocean; so rich and deep and powerful.
But to live is to grasp all the potential you possibly can with your human mind of what God has placed in your heart to dream. None of this even scratches the surface. I can't even imagine.
I feel like its honest. If I'm bleeding, just bleed because I know I made mistakes; or acknowledge that life isn't always fair and move on. Mourn. Wear black until the sunshine makes it unbearable, but pull no punches. Have the nightmares and wake up to truth. Cling to truth desparately, like its all I have. It is all I have. Stand up for right, regardless of being alone.
Dream. And dream richly, so my soul is fulfilled and I don't need the material wealth of the world to satisfy me. Find joy in simplicity and hold onto faith, hope, and love. Submit to that higher power because I'm not going to win. Quit fighting and accept forgiveness and redemption. Then find the river and wash myself until I'm clean and live free. Heal. Hold on. Cling. Press on further in the freedom of that River and the beauty all around me in the middle of nowhere.
Be free. Be complete. Kick off my shoes and stay in the company of people who won't judge me; they all know the River just as well. Smile at them and see in their souls that they are just as grateful for the cold, clear, crisp, powerful water that dissovlved their stains. Let them take my hands and give me food and drink, and meditate on the fact that in that moment, I have everything I'll ever need and I am the richest one in the world.
And love; Sweet. Its like love is waiting out there somewhere and the more broken I become, the more magnificent the love will seem when its found. I'll be pieced back together by the Potter's hands, but in your love for Him you'll see how He healed my life and rejoice with me over such a miracle. We'll rejoice over you, as well. If love had a color, it would be white and glowing because of its purity and power. You'd steal my attention completely, love. You'd be a soft place to land and we'd be comfort to each other. We wouldn't withhold life from one another, but give it freely. We'd dream together and build together. We'd laugh outrageously at the secrets only you and I knew, and we'd be the best of friends and lovers. We'd hold hands and shyly catch each others' eye from across the room and escape together to a place wrapped in beauty. We'd swim in the ocean and find the waves and hold onto each other when the wind became too powerful and enjoy the sun on the sand during peaceful weather. Peace. Perfect. Hold onto that and don't let it go. Its a gift, just like love. We'll have it all, won't we? One day our world will be electric with love and we'll marvel at how God brought us together to this ocean; so rich and deep and powerful.
But to live is to grasp all the potential you possibly can with your human mind of what God has placed in your heart to dream. None of this even scratches the surface. I can't even imagine.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Working.
So I am currently taking a break, but I just wanted to say that I am very, very lucky to have the job that I do. I get to work very closely with veterans groups and those who want to do research to improve conditions for veterans at school and upon entrance into the civilian job market. I love it; I love getting to raise awareness, figuring out where those connections are, making things happen, and helping people. Seiously. Everything about working for SNVC and Aurora makes sense to me, and I am so fortunate that I love what I do.
And to just add to the joy, I got a phone call today from someone interested in becoming my roommate in Manassas! Very cool, right? She's from Michigan and went to MIT and spent the past few years in South Korea and has worked with both college and student ministries before; seriously would be awesome if she worked out. And there are so many people seriously interested in moving into the room in Arlington. I don't have a lot of stuff, so I anticipate this being the easiest move on the planet.
And speaking of college & youth ministry, I have the privilege of interning this summer for my church with the student ministry, so I get to not only work with college kids (and I'm praying very seriously about whether or not God wants me to actually do more speaking there... slightly horrifying). But I get to just have an open door for the students to hang out in their hometown of Manassas, and there's so much vision for really cool events that we get to do this summer to just bring students out to the church and hear about Jesus. Love it.
Alright. Had to get this out while I keep chugging along. I got to be the "Team Lead" for one of our Workforce Creativity Teams - I'm in charge of the Rewards team, and we are charged with finding better ways to reward employees who bring value and success to the client. I'm reading this really cool article now about how the idea of a "reward" at work has changed throughout the generations. And it makes sense; where it used to be that the older generations valued a pay increase or a bonus or the guarantee of a promostion, the younger generations are more inclined to desire a sense of achievement, or something they can be proud of. And it makes sense; we are the generations that were all brought up as winners, so if you make something into a competition for people my age, they won't really care as much as someone who is older would. What younger workers will care about is the sense of pride and achievement they will receive genuinely from their superiors - that is the motivation for them to keep doing a good job and find ways to improve.
Interesting that people care more about the feelings they are awarded than the actual tangible rewards of money. I know its true for me; one time, my boss took me out to lunch to personally thank me for doing a good job on a project, and that genuine way of saying "thank you" meant so much more to me than a financial incentive coming in the mail. I'm reading a book called "Drive" by Daniel Pink right now, and I'm supposed to start reading "The Carrot Principle" soon. I just ordered it, so we'll see how that goes. But all the psychology behind what makes people better workers is very interesting to me. So now I get to help figure out ways to make our company's reward policy better than it already is. Tall order, considering its already phenomenal.
Well, I need to get back to work. Today was pretty cool.
And to just add to the joy, I got a phone call today from someone interested in becoming my roommate in Manassas! Very cool, right? She's from Michigan and went to MIT and spent the past few years in South Korea and has worked with both college and student ministries before; seriously would be awesome if she worked out. And there are so many people seriously interested in moving into the room in Arlington. I don't have a lot of stuff, so I anticipate this being the easiest move on the planet.
And speaking of college & youth ministry, I have the privilege of interning this summer for my church with the student ministry, so I get to not only work with college kids (and I'm praying very seriously about whether or not God wants me to actually do more speaking there... slightly horrifying). But I get to just have an open door for the students to hang out in their hometown of Manassas, and there's so much vision for really cool events that we get to do this summer to just bring students out to the church and hear about Jesus. Love it.
Alright. Had to get this out while I keep chugging along. I got to be the "Team Lead" for one of our Workforce Creativity Teams - I'm in charge of the Rewards team, and we are charged with finding better ways to reward employees who bring value and success to the client. I'm reading this really cool article now about how the idea of a "reward" at work has changed throughout the generations. And it makes sense; where it used to be that the older generations valued a pay increase or a bonus or the guarantee of a promostion, the younger generations are more inclined to desire a sense of achievement, or something they can be proud of. And it makes sense; we are the generations that were all brought up as winners, so if you make something into a competition for people my age, they won't really care as much as someone who is older would. What younger workers will care about is the sense of pride and achievement they will receive genuinely from their superiors - that is the motivation for them to keep doing a good job and find ways to improve.
Interesting that people care more about the feelings they are awarded than the actual tangible rewards of money. I know its true for me; one time, my boss took me out to lunch to personally thank me for doing a good job on a project, and that genuine way of saying "thank you" meant so much more to me than a financial incentive coming in the mail. I'm reading a book called "Drive" by Daniel Pink right now, and I'm supposed to start reading "The Carrot Principle" soon. I just ordered it, so we'll see how that goes. But all the psychology behind what makes people better workers is very interesting to me. So now I get to help figure out ways to make our company's reward policy better than it already is. Tall order, considering its already phenomenal.
Well, I need to get back to work. Today was pretty cool.
Moving on
Its been a while. Hoping to pick this back up, but life's changed a lot in the past few months.
So there are many things in life that I am looking forward to. And there are moments when God seems to give this unbelievable clarity and I realize that the thrill of not knowing anything at all about the future is not something to dread, but something to look forward to. As a process, of sorts.
Yesterday I was able to drive out to Shenandoah National Park, about 1.5 hours west of here. I stopped for Sushi on the way, and had Bebo Norman's 2 coolest songs (in my humble opinion) on repeat: "Nothing Without You," and "To Find my Way to You." It struck me that the simple joy I have now of going out to the mountains and coming to tears over the beauty of my Creator is something that maybe one day, I'll get to share with someone special who marvels at the Lord in the same way. But for now, I get to enjoy this time and spend it as a girl on my own growing closer to her God.
I was talking to Hes yesterday during our morning run in Burke, and I realized (again) just how great she is. I have such a massive amount of respect for her and everything she's accomplished, but she's so down to earth and definitely a good person to just sit and have coffee with. She said that these are the days that are rich, that will become the special times that mold you and will help to grow you up. These are the days you'll never forget. These times in life are growing pains that simply add color to the canvas of your life. (Ok, she didn't say all that; I might have added in a few analogies, but still. That was basically what she said.)
And she's absolutely right. So its crucial to be in the Lord during this time where I'm growing up, to be as alive as I can possibly be and live well.
So emotions be damned. Seriously. They are so incredibly obnoxious b/c they lie to me all the time. There is truth, Ellen. I need to remind myself of this over and over. There is truth and your emotions are the most unfaithful, untrustworthy resources you can use to get by. They are not anchors or rocks; they drift and can't be used to find stability.
I was driving for a long time yesterday. Getting to Skyline Drive took about 50 minutes or so from Manassas (I went straight after signing my NEW LEASE) and drove around for about 2 hours, looking at the mountains. SO much beauty. So rich, so powerful, so breath-taking and stunning. When I was at CNU, I would spend massive amounts of time at the river, watching the sunset or enjoying the day. I would sneak on at night all the time and got caught once or twice. But I had deep, deep times with the Lord there, just sitting quietly and seeking Him through worship and admiration. He would show up, and those moments were real, powerful times when I drew closer to Christ. The "hiding place," so to speak, hasn't really existed for me since I moved to Northern VA. I have missed that time with the Lord desperately, and I feel like yesterday, I got a bit of it back. I've felt like shattered glass, like the pieces of me at too small to put back together to form something useful, but God showed me yesterday and He can take even the dust of the Earth and make a man out of it, so shards of me are nothing He can't repair.
The clouds literally looked like a still life of the ocean, crashing over the rocks. I'm so mad; I made a video of it but the file is too big to upload to the internet. So stupid. But anyway, the clouds were whipping around the mountains like waves, and their crests looked like they were just frozen, floating over the mountains. Then you'd see a clearing and bursts of color were everywhere, then the sun would randomly pop out for a second and stream down through the clouds. It was overcast and I kept waiting for a rainbow, but I didn't see one. I drove past a deer in the middle of the road and took a picture.
I got back around 11 pm last night. Tired, but so excited. The Lord's plans are not my own, and if He can create the views I saw yesterday, who am I to not trust Him with my life?
SO many things I want to say, so I'll just sum them up quickly: I got to read Psalms from this little Gideons Bible I stole from a hotel once and now keep in my purse and got to read this while admiring the Lord's beauty: Psalm 89 - 91. Just read it and try to imagine watching the clouds in the mountains. GAH. So awesome.
Also, this morning I woke up a little off. Started reading Psalm 65 (yes I am on a Psalms kick... just stay with me.) But it says that "Praise awaits you, O God, to you our vows will be fulfilled." So I try to understand what the "vows" part means. And I read in my nifty Biblical commentary that just as one is married to someone on Earth and committed to loving them, being their helpmate and encouraging them, we are committed to praising the Lord. I am committed, as a child of God, to bringing praise to Him, even when I don't feel like it. There, those freaking emotions again. But can you really help it when its something we were originally created to do in the first place? So I fulfill my vows to Christ by praising Him, whatever that may look like. Whether I need to take another Sabbath and just go into the mountains again, or whether its through moving to Manassas, I am committed to that. And in return, the wealth of His promises are mine to claim; even when my emotions tell me otherwise.
So, as previously mentioned, I signed for Manassas yesterday. Really excited. I'll be back on the tennis courts, running those awesome trails back behind the house, and have this nice basement apartment to just hang out and do college ministry. I really do envision it as something where students can just come over, hang out, and feel "away from it all" for a bit.
Funny; I was reading through past blog posts and came across that period in July - November where God started to rip me out of being comfortable. And the journey since then has been really crazy, parts of it painful in having to realize that some things that I thought would make me happy were not in God's plan for life to better glorify Him.... so now they're gone, and its been humbling. But I feel like moving to Manassas is a type of mission work.
Everyone looks at me weird when I tell them where I'll be going, like "Why would you want to leave Arlington?" But really, there's nothing left for me in Arlington except old memories of dreams that were not in the plans to come true. So I might as well go to Manassas; I might as well just follow God with nothing to lose. Its so frustrating, b/c some people have told me that I'll never meet a guy if I move to Manassas. Umm, hello, that's not why I'm moving there in the first place (number one), and number two, if God wants me to meet a guy, He'll set something up. No worries. So yes, world, if I wanted to go out and hit the bar/club scene and get hit on and feel like a piece of meat, don't worry - I'd stay where I was and be in Clarendon or Ballston or Adams Morgan as much as I wanted. But I don't want that. Tangent - sorry that was free.
But I am going to get a dog. And I am going to dye my hair. Contemplating another tattoo, just to get another one. Buying a mountain bike and a bike rack for Kiff. But its all an adventure, and I'm just along for this ride. I never asked for any of this, but if I were still wrapped up in the place I wanted to be a year ago, I would be miserable and useless for Christ.
So I'll remain committed to Him. Here we go.
So there are many things in life that I am looking forward to. And there are moments when God seems to give this unbelievable clarity and I realize that the thrill of not knowing anything at all about the future is not something to dread, but something to look forward to. As a process, of sorts.
Yesterday I was able to drive out to Shenandoah National Park, about 1.5 hours west of here. I stopped for Sushi on the way, and had Bebo Norman's 2 coolest songs (in my humble opinion) on repeat: "Nothing Without You," and "To Find my Way to You." It struck me that the simple joy I have now of going out to the mountains and coming to tears over the beauty of my Creator is something that maybe one day, I'll get to share with someone special who marvels at the Lord in the same way. But for now, I get to enjoy this time and spend it as a girl on my own growing closer to her God.
I was talking to Hes yesterday during our morning run in Burke, and I realized (again) just how great she is. I have such a massive amount of respect for her and everything she's accomplished, but she's so down to earth and definitely a good person to just sit and have coffee with. She said that these are the days that are rich, that will become the special times that mold you and will help to grow you up. These are the days you'll never forget. These times in life are growing pains that simply add color to the canvas of your life. (Ok, she didn't say all that; I might have added in a few analogies, but still. That was basically what she said.)
And she's absolutely right. So its crucial to be in the Lord during this time where I'm growing up, to be as alive as I can possibly be and live well.
So emotions be damned. Seriously. They are so incredibly obnoxious b/c they lie to me all the time. There is truth, Ellen. I need to remind myself of this over and over. There is truth and your emotions are the most unfaithful, untrustworthy resources you can use to get by. They are not anchors or rocks; they drift and can't be used to find stability.
I was driving for a long time yesterday. Getting to Skyline Drive took about 50 minutes or so from Manassas (I went straight after signing my NEW LEASE) and drove around for about 2 hours, looking at the mountains. SO much beauty. So rich, so powerful, so breath-taking and stunning. When I was at CNU, I would spend massive amounts of time at the river, watching the sunset or enjoying the day. I would sneak on at night all the time and got caught once or twice. But I had deep, deep times with the Lord there, just sitting quietly and seeking Him through worship and admiration. He would show up, and those moments were real, powerful times when I drew closer to Christ. The "hiding place," so to speak, hasn't really existed for me since I moved to Northern VA. I have missed that time with the Lord desperately, and I feel like yesterday, I got a bit of it back. I've felt like shattered glass, like the pieces of me at too small to put back together to form something useful, but God showed me yesterday and He can take even the dust of the Earth and make a man out of it, so shards of me are nothing He can't repair.
The clouds literally looked like a still life of the ocean, crashing over the rocks. I'm so mad; I made a video of it but the file is too big to upload to the internet. So stupid. But anyway, the clouds were whipping around the mountains like waves, and their crests looked like they were just frozen, floating over the mountains. Then you'd see a clearing and bursts of color were everywhere, then the sun would randomly pop out for a second and stream down through the clouds. It was overcast and I kept waiting for a rainbow, but I didn't see one. I drove past a deer in the middle of the road and took a picture.
I got back around 11 pm last night. Tired, but so excited. The Lord's plans are not my own, and if He can create the views I saw yesterday, who am I to not trust Him with my life?
SO many things I want to say, so I'll just sum them up quickly: I got to read Psalms from this little Gideons Bible I stole from a hotel once and now keep in my purse and got to read this while admiring the Lord's beauty: Psalm 89 - 91. Just read it and try to imagine watching the clouds in the mountains. GAH. So awesome.
Also, this morning I woke up a little off. Started reading Psalm 65 (yes I am on a Psalms kick... just stay with me.) But it says that "Praise awaits you, O God, to you our vows will be fulfilled." So I try to understand what the "vows" part means. And I read in my nifty Biblical commentary that just as one is married to someone on Earth and committed to loving them, being their helpmate and encouraging them, we are committed to praising the Lord. I am committed, as a child of God, to bringing praise to Him, even when I don't feel like it. There, those freaking emotions again. But can you really help it when its something we were originally created to do in the first place? So I fulfill my vows to Christ by praising Him, whatever that may look like. Whether I need to take another Sabbath and just go into the mountains again, or whether its through moving to Manassas, I am committed to that. And in return, the wealth of His promises are mine to claim; even when my emotions tell me otherwise.
So, as previously mentioned, I signed for Manassas yesterday. Really excited. I'll be back on the tennis courts, running those awesome trails back behind the house, and have this nice basement apartment to just hang out and do college ministry. I really do envision it as something where students can just come over, hang out, and feel "away from it all" for a bit.
Funny; I was reading through past blog posts and came across that period in July - November where God started to rip me out of being comfortable. And the journey since then has been really crazy, parts of it painful in having to realize that some things that I thought would make me happy were not in God's plan for life to better glorify Him.... so now they're gone, and its been humbling. But I feel like moving to Manassas is a type of mission work.
Everyone looks at me weird when I tell them where I'll be going, like "Why would you want to leave Arlington?" But really, there's nothing left for me in Arlington except old memories of dreams that were not in the plans to come true. So I might as well go to Manassas; I might as well just follow God with nothing to lose. Its so frustrating, b/c some people have told me that I'll never meet a guy if I move to Manassas. Umm, hello, that's not why I'm moving there in the first place (number one), and number two, if God wants me to meet a guy, He'll set something up. No worries. So yes, world, if I wanted to go out and hit the bar/club scene and get hit on and feel like a piece of meat, don't worry - I'd stay where I was and be in Clarendon or Ballston or Adams Morgan as much as I wanted. But I don't want that. Tangent - sorry that was free.
But I am going to get a dog. And I am going to dye my hair. Contemplating another tattoo, just to get another one. Buying a mountain bike and a bike rack for Kiff. But its all an adventure, and I'm just along for this ride. I never asked for any of this, but if I were still wrapped up in the place I wanted to be a year ago, I would be miserable and useless for Christ.
So I'll remain committed to Him. Here we go.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Medicare & the government
Doctors are seeing a 25% drop in their reimbursement rates from the government to treat Medicare patients. Doctors cannot afford to treat patients for so little reimbursement. Congress passed a measure to move $19 billion from Medicare cuts that would have covered those without insurance back to Medicare to compensate for the Sustainable Growth Rate. The Sustainable Growth Rate is a formula that compensates doctors for the rising costs of healthcare in light of the overall economy. The growth of healthcare costs has lead to Medicare needing to reimburse doctors for more and more money as an incentive to keep treating Medicare patients. The money Congress moved to cover the Medicare costs was originally cut from Medicare and intended to help pay for those who have no health insurance. So despite the government’s best efforts to make us feel cozy with our current medical coverage paid for by citizens’ tax-dollars, there is still the issue that our baby-boomers, who helped fuel the economy that is currently tanking, need to be taken care of with sustainable Medicare. They still need to be covered, and by doctors who do not have to throw up “see you in 6 months” signs at their front doors. So, in an effort to remain in office and popular with the generation with much at stake, legislators and politicians will do what Medicare requires and cover the costs. Grandma won’t have to wait in line and there won’t be “death chambers” with gatekeepers, deciding who lives and who doesn’t. Because lawmakers are doing what they do best: CYA.
So where does this leave the unemployed, the welfare recipient, or the person who assumed he or she would never need to work again because the government covered everything? They are left for the rude awakening (though, it shouldn’t be that rude because after all, America was found on the principal of capitalism: Dirty, dirty capitalism) that their health can’t be left to chance. Low and behold, we find again that the government cannot be entirely trusted, whether you are a baby-boomer who almost had a heart attack worrying that your medical insurance wasn’t going to last, or whether you’re an individual who does not currently have health insurance for whatever reason and you just wanted to try to catch a break with a free government service.
So do yourself a favor, just try. That’s really all anyone can ask of their fellow citizen, right? Try. Please, for the sake of all of us trying to get out of this economic rut, those of us unsure of the future, re-inventing ourselves, making ends meet through whatever means necessary, or whoever you are. Please, for your children who don’t need to grow up thinking the government will always be there to support their best interests. Please try to help yourself any way you can, and give your family the satisfaction of knowing that you, as their leader, didn’t trust in a man or a party that happened to be powerful for 4 years, but in a set of morals that will remain until the end.
So where does this leave the unemployed, the welfare recipient, or the person who assumed he or she would never need to work again because the government covered everything? They are left for the rude awakening (though, it shouldn’t be that rude because after all, America was found on the principal of capitalism: Dirty, dirty capitalism) that their health can’t be left to chance. Low and behold, we find again that the government cannot be entirely trusted, whether you are a baby-boomer who almost had a heart attack worrying that your medical insurance wasn’t going to last, or whether you’re an individual who does not currently have health insurance for whatever reason and you just wanted to try to catch a break with a free government service.
So do yourself a favor, just try. That’s really all anyone can ask of their fellow citizen, right? Try. Please, for the sake of all of us trying to get out of this economic rut, those of us unsure of the future, re-inventing ourselves, making ends meet through whatever means necessary, or whoever you are. Please, for your children who don’t need to grow up thinking the government will always be there to support their best interests. Please try to help yourself any way you can, and give your family the satisfaction of knowing that you, as their leader, didn’t trust in a man or a party that happened to be powerful for 4 years, but in a set of morals that will remain until the end.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Babylon
I'm trying to reconcile the two. Let me describe last night. I went to Revelation, and everything Brandon preached on, everything, had to do with what I'm dealing with as a young professional.
Everyone is telling me to think about the next big step; what would be the best career choice for you given your talents? What can you choose that is most lucrative? What can you pick that will position you to best "move up the ladder?" What type of life do you want for yourself, Ellen? And last night, all I heard was Babylon, the city of demons. And I don't know exactly where that is or how Babylon is going to be destroyed, but I know that those who follow their own selfish ambitions are lost in the fray and miss the plans of the Lord.
I don't want to miss Jesus, above all else.
I don't want to value my car or my townhouse or my job or my boyfriend more than I value Jesus Christ. And everything around me is telling me to create my own future. Be better than the other guy. Scout out the competition and beat it out. And be the best. Never be satisfied with what you have, always want more. And though I'm not a proponent of "settling," I think there's an element to the American Dream that is completely wrong. The "be-the-best-on-your-own" merit goes against the humility and gratitude preached in the Bible. The mentality that one can never have enough, and is always seeking after the next biggest version of material weatlh is wrong. All that wealth will be destroyed, whether its obtained for good, unselfish motivations or not.
I am not trying to tote the message of self-righteousness. But I got caught up in this world of Masters' degrees and wanting something more for myself, and holding on to the possibility that maybe I could have worldly success and Jesus on the side, and I came to the conclusion that I can't. So I need to get to the point where I can say I want Jesus more than anything else. And this is where I become so confused.
Because let me describe my Babylon. Its a world where I give in to all types of temptations and let the rest of my world think I'm living this godly life. I come home, devote some time to the Revelation ministry and have something cool to pad my resume as far as community service goes, and keep going with a masters. Maybe public policy, maybe organization management, maybe project management, but its something that someone has said to me that i should pursue because it'll make me successful. And a husband and family can be the icing on the cake, you know? The hot
commodity that vies for first place among my affections with my career. And maybe I'll fail, but if I succeed? My gosh, I'll be the epitome of independence; I'll be able to say it was all on my own merit, that I didn't get help from anyone (though that, of course, would be a lie) and I'd have all this success that could be placed on a gravestone at the end of the day, ready to burn. I'll have lived a "good" life, then it will be over. And my family will not have been first; I would be a crippled vessel that Jesus might have tried to use but could never plow through the miles of "success" that clouded my view. I'd be useless. The demons would have crippled me as they do in the Screwtape letters, and I won't be able to fulfill the life Jesus had in store for me.
My conundrum is my plans vs. Jesus. I think there's still a huge part of me that's trying to reconcile the calling of God with my boyfriend. I want God to fit both into my life conveniently over the next year and a half so I can get this missions thing out of my system, as if its something that only lasts for a little while, and be ready to anything else, too. Or maybe, if I'm brutally honest, I'm so bored that I'll do anything to occupy myself, even if it means taking off to some foreign country and teaching English and getting a certification that would yet allow me to have a convenient career.
Can I do both? Can I serve both God and myself? Not at all.
Everyone is telling me to think about the next big step; what would be the best career choice for you given your talents? What can you choose that is most lucrative? What can you pick that will position you to best "move up the ladder?" What type of life do you want for yourself, Ellen? And last night, all I heard was Babylon, the city of demons. And I don't know exactly where that is or how Babylon is going to be destroyed, but I know that those who follow their own selfish ambitions are lost in the fray and miss the plans of the Lord.
I don't want to miss Jesus, above all else.
I don't want to value my car or my townhouse or my job or my boyfriend more than I value Jesus Christ. And everything around me is telling me to create my own future. Be better than the other guy. Scout out the competition and beat it out. And be the best. Never be satisfied with what you have, always want more. And though I'm not a proponent of "settling," I think there's an element to the American Dream that is completely wrong. The "be-the-best-on-your-own" merit goes against the humility and gratitude preached in the Bible. The mentality that one can never have enough, and is always seeking after the next biggest version of material weatlh is wrong. All that wealth will be destroyed, whether its obtained for good, unselfish motivations or not.
I am not trying to tote the message of self-righteousness. But I got caught up in this world of Masters' degrees and wanting something more for myself, and holding on to the possibility that maybe I could have worldly success and Jesus on the side, and I came to the conclusion that I can't. So I need to get to the point where I can say I want Jesus more than anything else. And this is where I become so confused.
Because let me describe my Babylon. Its a world where I give in to all types of temptations and let the rest of my world think I'm living this godly life. I come home, devote some time to the Revelation ministry and have something cool to pad my resume as far as community service goes, and keep going with a masters. Maybe public policy, maybe organization management, maybe project management, but its something that someone has said to me that i should pursue because it'll make me successful. And a husband and family can be the icing on the cake, you know? The hot
commodity that vies for first place among my affections with my career. And maybe I'll fail, but if I succeed? My gosh, I'll be the epitome of independence; I'll be able to say it was all on my own merit, that I didn't get help from anyone (though that, of course, would be a lie) and I'd have all this success that could be placed on a gravestone at the end of the day, ready to burn. I'll have lived a "good" life, then it will be over. And my family will not have been first; I would be a crippled vessel that Jesus might have tried to use but could never plow through the miles of "success" that clouded my view. I'd be useless. The demons would have crippled me as they do in the Screwtape letters, and I won't be able to fulfill the life Jesus had in store for me.
My conundrum is my plans vs. Jesus. I think there's still a huge part of me that's trying to reconcile the calling of God with my boyfriend. I want God to fit both into my life conveniently over the next year and a half so I can get this missions thing out of my system, as if its something that only lasts for a little while, and be ready to anything else, too. Or maybe, if I'm brutally honest, I'm so bored that I'll do anything to occupy myself, even if it means taking off to some foreign country and teaching English and getting a certification that would yet allow me to have a convenient career.
Can I do both? Can I serve both God and myself? Not at all.
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