Moving on

Its been a while. Hoping to pick this back up, but life's changed a lot in the past few months.

So there are many things in life that I am looking forward to. And there are moments when God seems to give this unbelievable clarity and I realize that the thrill of not knowing anything at all about the future is not something to dread, but something to look forward to. As a process, of sorts.

Yesterday I was able to drive out to Shenandoah National Park, about 1.5 hours west of here. I stopped for Sushi on the way, and had Bebo Norman's 2 coolest songs (in my humble opinion) on repeat: "Nothing Without You," and "To Find my Way to You." It struck me that the simple joy I have now of going out to the mountains and coming to tears over the beauty of my Creator is something that maybe one day, I'll get to share with someone special who marvels at the Lord in the same way. But for now, I get to enjoy this time and spend it as a girl on my own growing closer to her God.

I was talking to Hes yesterday during our morning run in Burke, and I realized (again) just how great she is. I have such a massive amount of respect for her and everything she's accomplished, but she's so down to earth and definitely a good person to just sit and have coffee with. She said that these are the days that are rich, that will become the special times that mold you and will help to grow you up. These are the days you'll never forget. These times in life are growing pains that simply add color to the canvas of your life. (Ok, she didn't say all that; I might have added in a few analogies, but still. That was basically what she said.)

And she's absolutely right. So its crucial to be in the Lord during this time where I'm growing up, to be as alive as I can possibly be and live well.

So emotions be damned. Seriously. They are so incredibly obnoxious b/c they lie to me all the time. There is truth, Ellen. I need to remind myself of this over and over. There is truth and your emotions are the most unfaithful, untrustworthy resources you can use to get by. They are not anchors or rocks; they drift and can't be used to find stability.

I was driving for a long time yesterday. Getting to Skyline Drive took about 50 minutes or so from Manassas (I went straight after signing my NEW LEASE) and drove around for about 2 hours, looking at the mountains. SO much beauty. So rich, so powerful, so breath-taking and stunning. When I was at CNU, I would spend massive amounts of time at the river, watching the sunset or enjoying the day. I would sneak on at night all the time and got caught once or twice. But I had deep, deep times with the Lord there, just sitting quietly and seeking Him through worship and admiration. He would show up, and those moments were real, powerful times when I drew closer to Christ. The "hiding place," so to speak, hasn't really existed for me since I moved to Northern VA. I have missed that time with the Lord desperately, and I feel like yesterday, I got a bit of it back. I've felt like shattered glass, like the pieces of me at too small to put back together to form something useful, but God showed me yesterday and He can take even the dust of the Earth and make a man out of it, so shards of me are nothing He can't repair.

The clouds literally looked like a still life of the ocean, crashing over the rocks. I'm so mad; I made a video of it but the file is too big to upload to the internet. So stupid. But anyway, the clouds were whipping around the mountains like waves, and their crests looked like they were just frozen, floating over the mountains. Then you'd see a clearing and bursts of color were everywhere, then the sun would randomly pop out for a second and stream down through the clouds. It was overcast and I kept waiting for a rainbow, but I didn't see one. I drove past a deer in the middle of the road and took a picture.

I got back around 11 pm last night. Tired, but so excited. The Lord's plans are not my own, and if He can create the views I saw yesterday, who am I to not trust Him with my life?

SO many things I want to say, so I'll just sum them up quickly: I got to read Psalms from this little Gideons Bible I stole from a hotel once and now keep in my purse and got to read this while admiring the Lord's beauty: Psalm 89 - 91. Just read it and try to imagine watching the clouds in the mountains. GAH. So awesome.

Also, this morning I woke up a little off. Started reading Psalm 65 (yes I am on a Psalms kick... just stay with me.) But it says that "Praise awaits you, O God, to you our vows will be fulfilled." So I try to understand what the "vows" part means. And I read in my nifty Biblical commentary that just as one is married to someone on Earth and committed to loving them, being their helpmate and encouraging them, we are committed to praising the Lord. I am committed, as a child of God, to bringing praise to Him, even when I don't feel like it. There, those freaking emotions again. But can you really help it when its something we were originally created to do in the first place? So I fulfill my vows to Christ by praising Him, whatever that may look like. Whether I need to take another Sabbath and just go into the mountains again, or whether its through moving to Manassas, I am committed to that. And in return, the wealth of His promises are mine to claim; even when my emotions tell me otherwise.

So, as previously mentioned, I signed for Manassas yesterday. Really excited. I'll be back on the tennis courts, running those awesome trails back behind the house, and have this nice basement apartment to just hang out and do college ministry. I really do envision it as something where students can just come over, hang out, and feel "away from it all" for a bit.

Funny; I was reading through past blog posts and came across that period in July - November where God started to rip me out of being comfortable. And the journey since then has been really crazy, parts of it painful in having to realize that some things that I thought would make me happy were not in God's plan for life to better glorify Him.... so now they're gone, and its been humbling. But I feel like moving to Manassas is a type of mission work.

Everyone looks at me weird when I tell them where I'll be going, like "Why would you want to leave Arlington?" But really, there's nothing left for me in Arlington except old memories of dreams that were not in the plans to come true. So I might as well go to Manassas; I might as well just follow God with nothing to lose. Its so frustrating, b/c some people have told me that I'll never meet a guy if I move to Manassas. Umm, hello, that's not why I'm moving there in the first place (number one), and number two, if God wants me to meet a guy, He'll set something up. No worries. So yes, world, if I wanted to go out and hit the bar/club scene and get hit on and feel like a piece of meat, don't worry - I'd stay where I was and be in Clarendon or Ballston or Adams Morgan as much as I wanted. But I don't want that. Tangent - sorry that was free.

But I am going to get a dog. And I am going to dye my hair. Contemplating another tattoo, just to get another one. Buying a mountain bike and a bike rack for Kiff. But its all an adventure, and I'm just along for this ride. I never asked for any of this, but if I were still wrapped up in the place I wanted to be a year ago, I would be miserable and useless for Christ.

So I'll remain committed to Him. Here we go.