So I suck - completely.
Run-down of my days:
Include work - getting up at 5:50 to get ready for the day, fight traffic, and be in the office around 7:45. All day. Usually eat lunch at my desk, no big deal, it happens, stuff's gotta get done. Get off work and I briefly entertain the thought of going for a run before hanging out with students. Because if I'm honest, at any moment of the day, I'd always rather spend it with students - high school or college. Over work, exercise, reading, sleeping, eating, dating, whatever - I'd rather build relationships and love on the amazing students God has placed in my life. And there's joy in that b/c I was created to make disciples.
But I'm empty. I'm so freaking depleted and there's not much left to pour out when I'm not letting God pour into me. And the time, even doing ministry, selfishly becomes mine all over again when I have nothing to offer from b/c I'm not spending time with Him in the first place. And I'm so disgusted with myself. I know this. He isn't going to try to convince me to give up my time to Him; it should just be something I do because I love my Father. But I don't.
No, I work. A lot. And I drown myself in thoughts of "maybe I can still do both," and maybe one day I'll just be "Corporate Ellen" and these ideas penetrate my drives home and all I do is wonder and I act on nothing and my time is still attacked and I'm still running on empty.
The bottomline is I miss Jesus. I'm angry that I allow the time to become my time and its wasted away for things other than ministry and I tell myself I'd give this all up in a moment if God called me out of it. That would be so awesome. Perfect. Would make it so much easier to grow in Him, be His, have time for Him, etc. Right? Maybe?
Maybe not. I can't even give Him time now, so what makes me think it'll get better just because the title changes to something to do with ministry? Who am I fooling? I suck; I let my time slip away and call it God's when the reality is it's totally mine and I'm selfish and foolish, thinking I have something to offer. There's no one to blame but myself. Nowhere to point the finger but towards my own selfishness.
I know this:
1. Jesus has called me to follow Him selflessly and make disciples. Right now, its convenient to do ministry with my job and b/c its convenient, its becoming easier and easier to stay settled in that situation and not ask God to grow. Not ask Him to stretch my faith to something uncomfortable again b/c seriously, I just got comfortable and everything is so easy right now. I call ministry mine and forget it was His in the first place.
2. I suck at spending time with Him. I'm too selfish with my schedule and I'm getting burnt out.
3. I still flirt with my future being something other than what He intended for me. MPA. MBA. GREs. Grad school options everywhere. Imagining possibilities provides an escape sometimes and it leads to dangerous roads that bring Him zero honor and glory whatsoever.
4. I'm terrified that I'm stuck here in this complacency and I'll drown in it; I can't shake that terror, but I let it linger; control it, box it up, give it a name, tame it so I can at least understand it and not let it control me. Rationalize my reason for remaining complacent.
The reality is, I have been praying for an open door and it's been sitting in my inbox. And I know it and I've let it lie and finally, God's bringing me to this point where repentence and filthy rags are all I have to offer and there is literally no point in waiting around anymore. None. I have nothing to lose, because all the faith I can muster has only served to open my eyes to how wasteful I am with my time and how empty I am without Christ and I can't fix that without Him. All I can do is turn to Him. All I can do is ask for help. B/c I sure can't quit complacency on my own. And trusting Him is only going to bring me closer to His plans. That's all I wanted in the first place, back when I didn't have anything going for me then, either. Nothing's changed, I just allow myself to think it has.
I worship my time, and the options I have to spend my time on. I worship the idea of freedom, and relish the fact that if I really wanted to, I can pick up and leave and go anywhere. I worship my potential and the flattery of the world to tell me what my potential is.
I worship me and call it "ministry." I worship me and call it "time for God." I worship me and call it my blog, my facebook, twitter, "outreach." I worship me and call it a job that allows me to still do ministry on the side when in reality I have no freaking idea what surrender can be because I still worship myself.
Praise God for Jesus. And everything He is. Past, Present, Future. His example. His walk and His love.
Matthew 4.1-11.
Nothing to lose.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
College Senior
I don't know how you'll respond to this, but it needs to be said. It's been on my heart for a while.
We've all made mistakes, right? No one's perfect. No one's better than anyone else, so from the get-go, I'm acknowledging that this letter is coming from a heart of personal experience. I don't want you to learn these lessons the way I did, so don't think, please, for one moment, that there's judgement here, ok?
But look. Can I just say... What the hell happened to you? Don't you remember when you were on fire, ON FIRE, for theLord? Don't you remember the days when you would call me out on everything in such a loving way? Don't you know that person still exists somewhere; there's a girl with blind faith in God who knows the redeeming power of Jesus Christ in such a beautiful, innocent way so WHAT HAPPENED?! Where did you go?! Where is the boldness and the fearlessness that made people turn their heads and wonder about you?
You're so beautiful. So talented. I look at you and I see one of the smartest people I've ever met. Literally. You got the brains of the family and I'm looking forward to the day when I can call you and ask you for money because you're the responsible one who will end up taking care of all of us one day. (Don't worry, I won't totally mooch off you. Just kind of :) ) But you are so rich in talent. You paint effortlessly and see beauty and art everywhere. You have a heart for those who can't help themselves and you are tender and loving towards people who others don't seem to understand. And you're so beautiful. I remember being so jealous of you because one day, you woke up taller than me - so grown up and lovely, and that never changed. You were the one that had to grow up too fast and accept life as completely unfair at an even earlier age than I did, and I wish more than anything that I could change that. I wish I could have you here with me and tell you that life turned out well, and God's hand never moved from our lives and His plans are still becoming realities, even as we speak.
So I'm led into this: don't turn away. You know right from wrong, and you have a moral compass that is not of your own making, but from your God. Don't flick Him off. Don't look at your life and all He's brought you through and say that one little guilty pleasure is worth missing the most amazing relationship of your entire life. Your life is in such a crucial place; you're about to get everything you've ever worked for, and sweetheart, you've worked so hard. You've built so much and you're abilities to lead and positively influence others are not lost on anyone. They're there and its obvious. And your talent and your capacity to just look at problems and solve them is incredible and could it be that God gave you these amazing gifts for you to completely break down walls that ordinary, everyday human beings like me are never really going to be able to breach? You're freaking off the charts and you're about to throw it away so I'm begging you, I'm BEGGING you, please wake up and remember that your God didn't die for you to just have Him when its convenient for you and to let you pick Him back up when you're done with these favorite sins that will RUIN you. They'll destroy you if you don't turn away and give it all up to your Father.
I don't get it. You were always the one telling me not to waste my time with guys who didn't love the Lord and YOU WATCHED ME break because of those mistakes and YOU WATCHED as those relationships dragged my heart over jagged rocks and I guess I just don't understand how you could sit there with front-row seats to that horror show throughout high school and college and still think you can play with that same fire. Where did that voice of reason go? You're not safe, you can't just play with the devil and come away unscathed; his games are going to leave you broken and what I don't understand is how you watched it happen - and not just to me. To your other friends and relatives and you are still there in the middle of it all. Quit lying and hiding and pushing that sin to the backburner and dealing with it later. You're not winning this one. You're settling and you're going to be stuck and the devil is laughing his head off because he will permanently cripple whatever plans God had for you in the first place. YOU ARE LETTING HIM WIN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!! DOESN'T THAT PISS YOU OFF?!!
Because it infuritates me. You're not the type to settle, and you, of all people, were not created to fail. But you are going to fail if you keep Jesus as your security blanket and continue your favorite little sins on the side. Because they're not little at all. They equate to the death your allowing to destroy your testimony, your walk, and your potential for Christ. Death is swallowing you whole and you freaking know it and you're letting it happen and I love you, I LOVE YOU too much for you to just sit away and pretend to not care.
I love you. I messed up too. And guess what? He redeemed me and God won. And now He's using my story to somehow bring Himself glory. He can do that for you too because NOTHING is beyond redemption. Nothing. It's never too late for you to give up and trust Him. It'll be raw and painful and really hard but it will be worth it. Oh, I promise Jesus is worth losing that familiarity and comfort zone for. Death is not worth it. You're not growing in Him. You should be, but you're not. You're dying away from Him, separated by this one comfortable sin you refuse to give up. So give up, please, I'm begging you to give up and come back and know the depth of your Savior's love and redemptive power. He gives better gifts than we could create or imagine for ourselves.
There's a man out there who will lead you to Christ and guard your heart and honor you and you won't be able to believe what it is you've been missing all this time; that God could create a man so perfect for you, so amazing that he is all the things you never even knew you needed.
Godly men exist. I promise.
I love you so, so much. I wrote a lot, but it's because you are so much more important to me than just an afterthought. This is all I've been wanting to say for a long time, and I hope I said it lovingly. Maybe I'm angry, but its only because there's deception lurking and I want to rip the blindfold off your eyes, but I can't be the one to do that. I can tell you how I ripped my own blindfold off and have never been the same, but you already know that.
You know that. I want you to live, not settle. Not die.
So all I can do is tell you my heart and that I love you and want you to know Him.
Good luck with everything this year.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Psalm 119:33-40
God is not silent. He gives hope right when I think there is none.
When the murkiness of my own mind begins to cloud everything He's proven to be true, He takes His words and wipes some of the dirt from my window so I can begin to see clearly that there's light outside, not a world of cobwebs where I live as a shadow.
He holds my hand when I come to Him needy, and lets me rant and rave about everything that doesn't matter. He gently places me on the ground and stands up to show me just how big He is and how small I am.
I am nothing.
He is Lord.
And then, in His majesty, He kneels down to me again, a child, and yet seeks after me to cleanse my heart of the impure motives in coming to Him.
Oh, Ellen, you want something from me? You want an answer, a distinct sign? You desire some tangible product from my bounty, so you come to me with this worshipful facade and expect me to be fooled and find you good enough to give a reward to?
Such a fool. Do you, child, still not understand who I am? Do you not understand grace? You live your life as though you need answers to survive, when really, every question has been answered for eternity through my salvation.
So I sit at the feet of this Great God as a child, humbled and in need of nothing but Him.
I find myself here now. Holding out hope in His Word, that He will speak to me through it. Through prayer, I will simply know my Jesus better, as a relationship that is grown and nurtured through intentional time spent with each other. That blind trust in Him will become more of a reality and I will accept that I don't need answers, I just need Jesus.
When the murkiness of my own mind begins to cloud everything He's proven to be true, He takes His words and wipes some of the dirt from my window so I can begin to see clearly that there's light outside, not a world of cobwebs where I live as a shadow.
He holds my hand when I come to Him needy, and lets me rant and rave about everything that doesn't matter. He gently places me on the ground and stands up to show me just how big He is and how small I am.
I am nothing.
He is Lord.
And then, in His majesty, He kneels down to me again, a child, and yet seeks after me to cleanse my heart of the impure motives in coming to Him.
Oh, Ellen, you want something from me? You want an answer, a distinct sign? You desire some tangible product from my bounty, so you come to me with this worshipful facade and expect me to be fooled and find you good enough to give a reward to?
Such a fool. Do you, child, still not understand who I am? Do you not understand grace? You live your life as though you need answers to survive, when really, every question has been answered for eternity through my salvation.
So I sit at the feet of this Great God as a child, humbled and in need of nothing but Him.
I find myself here now. Holding out hope in His Word, that He will speak to me through it. Through prayer, I will simply know my Jesus better, as a relationship that is grown and nurtured through intentional time spent with each other. That blind trust in Him will become more of a reality and I will accept that I don't need answers, I just need Jesus.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Dark World
So I'm sitting in Starbucks and it's humid. When you step outside you feel the heaviness of the air and the sweat just starts to curl your hair every which way. Though I really don't mind the curls. Don't mind the heat, I'm used to it. It's the heaviness. Like the air has a burden of its own, like the windows fog up just to give an even blurrier picture of the world.
I'm on the inside. Sitting in my Starbucks chair, journaling, lost in thought. Just had a brief conversation with Brandon where I got to laugh. Then my thoughts were caught in their heaviness again and I'm processing, running through things in my head and wondering what the world is coming to.
I went to a funeral 4 days earlier for my boss's mother. I didn't know her, though I would've liked to. But the only time I got a little choked up was when one of the daughters talked about how she thought she and her mother would be raptured to heaven together. And it struck me that the daughter was genuinely surprised her mother had died, rather than simply disappearing. I wonder if my mother will die or be raptured. I hope I'm raptured. I don't really know why I thought of that moment at the funeral home right then in Starbucks; maybe because I genuinely want Jesus to come back.
There are storm clouds and random shots of sunshine. The air conditioning causes the condensation to fog the windows and the people are blurry, except for the ones sitting in the cafe tables directly outside the store. They're smoking cigarettes and playing dominoes. Ben E. King is playing in the background. "Stand by Me." I danced to that song at a ball in West Point, NY. A long time ago. Seems like another lifetime, another world, another Ellen. I'm temporarily drifting back to the classic romantic notions I used to have of being in love and realize none of those thoughts really occupy my time anymore. Is that sad? Should I wish for the colors and the beauty again? The companionship? But really, it was all just an extrinsic show; the grandeur, and everything I wanted the love affiar to be was an illusion in the end.
Back to reality. One of the baristas is mopping the floor. Mental note to not slip as I throw my empty cup in the trash. I'm just the slightest bit cold. Safely back to my seat. I'm biting my pen and pouring my heart and soul onto the paper. My God, this is good. This is therapeutic and relieving, like a musician who sits at the piano and plays for hours, forgetting everything but the sound of the keys and the notes entwined. They don't even have to make sense, they just have to be there and he can claim them as an escape from reality. That's what writing can be, and in that moment, that's exactly what the words become. Therapy. I'm fervently writing, thinking, trying to catch my hand up to what my brain is saying and letting the last pieces fall out without having to make any sense whatsoever.
There are newspapers everywhere in Starbucks. Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Washington Post. DADT repeal. A right-wing extremist behind the Oslo attacks. Thanks, man. Lets give terrorists one more reason to hate us. A shooting in Austin. A shooting in China. The United States government standing by and allowing the country to default. Joblessness and increasingly bleak economic pictures. People call me at work and ask if we're hiring all the time. And I'm supposed to look forward to the future, to what God has planned? I wouldn't be surprised if I'm going to be alive when being a Christian in America is dangerous. This thought stops me mid-sentence and I look out the window.
I must be glaring. One of the men who was smoking has come inside and looks dead at me. "Are you alright, miss?"
Oops. Caught me.
Well sir, I'm currently sitting here wondering if the country I love and the freedoms I hold dear will exist in the next 50 years. Actually, I'm seriously doubting it. I want to one day be a mother and live out that biblical family modeled in the Bible, but wondering if it's even the best idea to bring children into the world anymore. I belong to a God who is coming again soon, but I'd be ok if it's in the next 5 minutes. People everywhere are dying and going to hell; celebrities, supposedly our role models, are OD'ing, our media is tearing apart the idea of the plutonic, biblical family, porn turns men into boys and women into sluts, extremists are committing acts of terror in the name of "god," kids are told to have sex for fun and not become emotionally involved with anyone, no one knows how to grow up and lead anymore, and our country is accepting every lie imaginable. The one truth that does exist is taboo; tolerate anything except the Bible. So no sir, things are not alright.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you. I just have a lot on my mind."
"Alright. You look like someone's out to kill you or something."
Great.
Keep journaling. Keep praying. Keep processing. The air is heavy and the entire world is in need of a Savior. Mankind is racing to the finish line as fast as they possibly can, and they'll use the technology, the cars, the politics, the sex, the drugs and alcohol, and any other shallow, unfulfilling lie to do it.
Breath, child.
There is Truth. There is a God who loved this wicked, sick world so much that He laid every perversion on His perfect Son. And that Sacrifice paid the debt for all the evil we can ever become and lives, committed to making those who believe more like Him.
Less like this dark world. It's not my home.
I'm on the inside. Sitting in my Starbucks chair, journaling, lost in thought. Just had a brief conversation with Brandon where I got to laugh. Then my thoughts were caught in their heaviness again and I'm processing, running through things in my head and wondering what the world is coming to.
I went to a funeral 4 days earlier for my boss's mother. I didn't know her, though I would've liked to. But the only time I got a little choked up was when one of the daughters talked about how she thought she and her mother would be raptured to heaven together. And it struck me that the daughter was genuinely surprised her mother had died, rather than simply disappearing. I wonder if my mother will die or be raptured. I hope I'm raptured. I don't really know why I thought of that moment at the funeral home right then in Starbucks; maybe because I genuinely want Jesus to come back.
There are storm clouds and random shots of sunshine. The air conditioning causes the condensation to fog the windows and the people are blurry, except for the ones sitting in the cafe tables directly outside the store. They're smoking cigarettes and playing dominoes. Ben E. King is playing in the background. "Stand by Me." I danced to that song at a ball in West Point, NY. A long time ago. Seems like another lifetime, another world, another Ellen. I'm temporarily drifting back to the classic romantic notions I used to have of being in love and realize none of those thoughts really occupy my time anymore. Is that sad? Should I wish for the colors and the beauty again? The companionship? But really, it was all just an extrinsic show; the grandeur, and everything I wanted the love affiar to be was an illusion in the end.
Back to reality. One of the baristas is mopping the floor. Mental note to not slip as I throw my empty cup in the trash. I'm just the slightest bit cold. Safely back to my seat. I'm biting my pen and pouring my heart and soul onto the paper. My God, this is good. This is therapeutic and relieving, like a musician who sits at the piano and plays for hours, forgetting everything but the sound of the keys and the notes entwined. They don't even have to make sense, they just have to be there and he can claim them as an escape from reality. That's what writing can be, and in that moment, that's exactly what the words become. Therapy. I'm fervently writing, thinking, trying to catch my hand up to what my brain is saying and letting the last pieces fall out without having to make any sense whatsoever.
There are newspapers everywhere in Starbucks. Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Washington Post. DADT repeal. A right-wing extremist behind the Oslo attacks. Thanks, man. Lets give terrorists one more reason to hate us. A shooting in Austin. A shooting in China. The United States government standing by and allowing the country to default. Joblessness and increasingly bleak economic pictures. People call me at work and ask if we're hiring all the time. And I'm supposed to look forward to the future, to what God has planned? I wouldn't be surprised if I'm going to be alive when being a Christian in America is dangerous. This thought stops me mid-sentence and I look out the window.
I must be glaring. One of the men who was smoking has come inside and looks dead at me. "Are you alright, miss?"
Oops. Caught me.
Well sir, I'm currently sitting here wondering if the country I love and the freedoms I hold dear will exist in the next 50 years. Actually, I'm seriously doubting it. I want to one day be a mother and live out that biblical family modeled in the Bible, but wondering if it's even the best idea to bring children into the world anymore. I belong to a God who is coming again soon, but I'd be ok if it's in the next 5 minutes. People everywhere are dying and going to hell; celebrities, supposedly our role models, are OD'ing, our media is tearing apart the idea of the plutonic, biblical family, porn turns men into boys and women into sluts, extremists are committing acts of terror in the name of "god," kids are told to have sex for fun and not become emotionally involved with anyone, no one knows how to grow up and lead anymore, and our country is accepting every lie imaginable. The one truth that does exist is taboo; tolerate anything except the Bible. So no sir, things are not alright.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you. I just have a lot on my mind."
"Alright. You look like someone's out to kill you or something."
Great.
Keep journaling. Keep praying. Keep processing. The air is heavy and the entire world is in need of a Savior. Mankind is racing to the finish line as fast as they possibly can, and they'll use the technology, the cars, the politics, the sex, the drugs and alcohol, and any other shallow, unfulfilling lie to do it.
Breath, child.
There is Truth. There is a God who loved this wicked, sick world so much that He laid every perversion on His perfect Son. And that Sacrifice paid the debt for all the evil we can ever become and lives, committed to making those who believe more like Him.
Less like this dark world. It's not my home.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Tonight
This week has been crazy, but so, so rich. Everything was guided by Him, and who I am that He would allow me to watch Him at work? Forgiveness. Healing. I don't understand it because I am incapable of both forgiving and healing on my own.
Tonight I feel ready for something huge to happen. This week, He told me "wait." Don't know for what. Wish I did. I wonder about missions, and how He'll work that out. When. What it will look like. I wonder about how long I'll be in Manassas. If I'm here for a short term or for good. I wonder about disappointing the people I respect at work; how they'll look at me when I tell them I'm leaving because God somehow opened a door for me to do ministry full time. What that will look like. The reactions. I don't worry, but as a people-pleaser, I wonder how firm I'll get in actually following through with leaving. Had an opportunity to tell my boss yesterday that I was passionate about student ministry and investing in lives. She suggested maybe getting my Masters in something religious, but still making sure I can pay my bills. I wish, sincerely, that I had told her I trust that when that door opens, He'll provide a way for the bills to get paid. But I kept my mouth shut.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Skyline Drive again. That's where the healing really began; He never stopped. I can't wait to be even more face-to-face with His beauty.
The students. The heaviness in their lives at such a young age. There's hope. You are a chosen people, held by your God. Claim His promise. I wish ... Well. I can't fix anything. I can love them and point them to the Father. The One who can fix everything.
I'm on my back porch. I got a grill for free from one of my former co-workers. It works. I cooked fish and made a salad tonight. By myself. Learned how to broil thanks to Google and lit my orange candle. Now the scent is whipping around everywhere from the breeze. My backyard is entirely green. Vibrant. I'm listening to the birds. Crickets. This place is my home, my heart, where He's allowed me to softly land after a hard run.
I wish I could describe tonight. There's so much peace in my life right now. I know that waiting will lead to an answer to something else. I know that the students are my heart, and my joy is to wake up and love them to my Savior. Because He loved me in my rebellion. I flicked Him off and He loved me. What the heck, what kind of crazy love is that? And here, He's provided all my needs. Broken my sin's curse. Placed eternity in my heart and gives me what I need to make Him famous.
What is this? How did this life happen?
Knowing Him.
Tonight I feel ready for something huge to happen. This week, He told me "wait." Don't know for what. Wish I did. I wonder about missions, and how He'll work that out. When. What it will look like. I wonder about how long I'll be in Manassas. If I'm here for a short term or for good. I wonder about disappointing the people I respect at work; how they'll look at me when I tell them I'm leaving because God somehow opened a door for me to do ministry full time. What that will look like. The reactions. I don't worry, but as a people-pleaser, I wonder how firm I'll get in actually following through with leaving. Had an opportunity to tell my boss yesterday that I was passionate about student ministry and investing in lives. She suggested maybe getting my Masters in something religious, but still making sure I can pay my bills. I wish, sincerely, that I had told her I trust that when that door opens, He'll provide a way for the bills to get paid. But I kept my mouth shut.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Skyline Drive again. That's where the healing really began; He never stopped. I can't wait to be even more face-to-face with His beauty.
The students. The heaviness in their lives at such a young age. There's hope. You are a chosen people, held by your God. Claim His promise. I wish ... Well. I can't fix anything. I can love them and point them to the Father. The One who can fix everything.
I'm on my back porch. I got a grill for free from one of my former co-workers. It works. I cooked fish and made a salad tonight. By myself. Learned how to broil thanks to Google and lit my orange candle. Now the scent is whipping around everywhere from the breeze. My backyard is entirely green. Vibrant. I'm listening to the birds. Crickets. This place is my home, my heart, where He's allowed me to softly land after a hard run.
I wish I could describe tonight. There's so much peace in my life right now. I know that waiting will lead to an answer to something else. I know that the students are my heart, and my joy is to wake up and love them to my Savior. Because He loved me in my rebellion. I flicked Him off and He loved me. What the heck, what kind of crazy love is that? And here, He's provided all my needs. Broken my sin's curse. Placed eternity in my heart and gives me what I need to make Him famous.
What is this? How did this life happen?
Knowing Him.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Last Night in Arlington
Wow.
I remember when I thought moving to Arlington would be the coolest place to just hang out for a couple years until I could move somewhere else, with plans to be with someone else, doing something else.
I remember driving into DC every day at first, thinking how phenomenal it was that I worked in the nation's capitol. I remember my first paycheck and then, the weeks that followed, when the lonliness set in and the first time I really missed a church family. Sense of community. Any type of reminder that God was out there and hadn't just left me by myself.
And I remember so many firsts after that... my first sit-down with a good friend who told me God had huge plans for my life. The first time I realized that God might possibly want me to live out a plan that could look a little different than what I had in mind. The first time I lost it at the thought of losing the grip I had on my reality. Getting angry. Tears; so frustrated that God couldn't line up His plans with mine.
And the compromises to keep things the way I wanted them only led further to me trying to find more of my own answers. I distinctly remember sitting in my car outside the townhouse, trying to map out timetables so I could still have everything work out the way I wanted. I felt like I had a suitcase that only held a limited amount of clothing, and I wanted to pack way too much of my closet into it. I only need one thing - the Jesus who saved me and gave me this incredible relationship with my Father, and I remember wanting Jesus and... I remember knowing that wanting Jesus and... was wrong, but doing it anyway. My rebellion. I remember times where I just flicked Him off and stuffed my suitcase to overflowing, struggling to shut it and never really succeeding.
And I remember the random turning points that existed along the way this past year. I remember January being the best and worst month, when I saw a glimpse of God's vision and turned my back. And through it all, I know faithfulness from a God who pursues His children. And I remember the final blow of it all, when everything crumbled despite my best efforts to keep things together. And the sweet hands that created the universe reached down and held me. A nobody. Someone who fought and fought so hard to not let Him have His way was cradled in grace and mercy, like a daughter finding the arms of her father after a nightmare.
That's the journey of Arlington. That's the story of how then became now; of how the love of Jesus became the only reality I need to know.
Humbled. That God would take this tangled life and all the thorns I choose to cling to and gently set me free from this sinful nature. Strength to choose Him every day.
And now, Manassas. The sweet beginning where I can forget about the past and with joy, look to the future. Someone was telling me yesterday about how they have their whole life planned out and I realized I was smiling. Because a year ago, just a year ago, I would've said the same thing. And now I don't know what is happening tomorrow. And I have so much peace about not knowing, so much joy in not knowing. Who would've thought?
And Lord, You know this journey, as You've been so gracious as to hold me through it all. You deserve all the glory for the peace and dreams that have been realized. You deserve every ounce of life. You gave, and You took away for Your name's sake. And You allowed me to experience this sweet desperation for You; this powerful love and affection for a Savior who first loved me. I don't even know how to say 'thank You;' who am I? Who am I that You would hold me and allow me to be kept safe for Your purpose now? That You would bring about this road and guide me here? So I'm Yours. Wholly and completely Yours. So others may know, so others will hear Your love and truth, so others will find their peace and comfort in You and fall massively in love with You. God. The stars are Yours, yet You choose to bring resurrection to Your humans here on Earth. You reached down and rescued me. Why? I don't need to know why, but the question causes me to catch my breath every time, because I am literally nothing. What is here is only a reflection of Your power and life-changing love. Redemption.
So Lord, I'm off to Manassas. I don't remember being this excited about anything before in my life. This is the journey; this is the adventure. This is why I was created. Purpose. To glorify You. All of me for You. That's all that matters, Lord.
Wow. This year literally has been life-changing in every way. God is so good.
I remember when I thought moving to Arlington would be the coolest place to just hang out for a couple years until I could move somewhere else, with plans to be with someone else, doing something else.
I remember driving into DC every day at first, thinking how phenomenal it was that I worked in the nation's capitol. I remember my first paycheck and then, the weeks that followed, when the lonliness set in and the first time I really missed a church family. Sense of community. Any type of reminder that God was out there and hadn't just left me by myself.
And I remember so many firsts after that... my first sit-down with a good friend who told me God had huge plans for my life. The first time I realized that God might possibly want me to live out a plan that could look a little different than what I had in mind. The first time I lost it at the thought of losing the grip I had on my reality. Getting angry. Tears; so frustrated that God couldn't line up His plans with mine.
And the compromises to keep things the way I wanted them only led further to me trying to find more of my own answers. I distinctly remember sitting in my car outside the townhouse, trying to map out timetables so I could still have everything work out the way I wanted. I felt like I had a suitcase that only held a limited amount of clothing, and I wanted to pack way too much of my closet into it. I only need one thing - the Jesus who saved me and gave me this incredible relationship with my Father, and I remember wanting Jesus and... I remember knowing that wanting Jesus and... was wrong, but doing it anyway. My rebellion. I remember times where I just flicked Him off and stuffed my suitcase to overflowing, struggling to shut it and never really succeeding.
And I remember the random turning points that existed along the way this past year. I remember January being the best and worst month, when I saw a glimpse of God's vision and turned my back. And through it all, I know faithfulness from a God who pursues His children. And I remember the final blow of it all, when everything crumbled despite my best efforts to keep things together. And the sweet hands that created the universe reached down and held me. A nobody. Someone who fought and fought so hard to not let Him have His way was cradled in grace and mercy, like a daughter finding the arms of her father after a nightmare.
That's the journey of Arlington. That's the story of how then became now; of how the love of Jesus became the only reality I need to know.
Humbled. That God would take this tangled life and all the thorns I choose to cling to and gently set me free from this sinful nature. Strength to choose Him every day.
And now, Manassas. The sweet beginning where I can forget about the past and with joy, look to the future. Someone was telling me yesterday about how they have their whole life planned out and I realized I was smiling. Because a year ago, just a year ago, I would've said the same thing. And now I don't know what is happening tomorrow. And I have so much peace about not knowing, so much joy in not knowing. Who would've thought?
And Lord, You know this journey, as You've been so gracious as to hold me through it all. You deserve all the glory for the peace and dreams that have been realized. You deserve every ounce of life. You gave, and You took away for Your name's sake. And You allowed me to experience this sweet desperation for You; this powerful love and affection for a Savior who first loved me. I don't even know how to say 'thank You;' who am I? Who am I that You would hold me and allow me to be kept safe for Your purpose now? That You would bring about this road and guide me here? So I'm Yours. Wholly and completely Yours. So others may know, so others will hear Your love and truth, so others will find their peace and comfort in You and fall massively in love with You. God. The stars are Yours, yet You choose to bring resurrection to Your humans here on Earth. You reached down and rescued me. Why? I don't need to know why, but the question causes me to catch my breath every time, because I am literally nothing. What is here is only a reflection of Your power and life-changing love. Redemption.
So Lord, I'm off to Manassas. I don't remember being this excited about anything before in my life. This is the journey; this is the adventure. This is why I was created. Purpose. To glorify You. All of me for You. That's all that matters, Lord.
Wow. This year literally has been life-changing in every way. God is so good.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Last minute
So its 12:32 and I can't really sleep. I have my Bebo Norman Pandora Station (get it NOW, thank me later), and a million things running through my head.
I don't really have groceries. Well, that's a lie. I have Cheerios, peanut butter and Jelly, and some rice. Maybe some extra cans of Campbells. None of that is really super healthy. I feel like I gained 20 lbs on vacation. Ran today, but need to run more. Bike more. Do something.
California - I'm still on California time. I want to disappear somewhere into Santa Barbara and just learn to surf - I can become that tattooed beach bum who gets to know the tourists and sells them random junk I find on the beach for inflated prices.
I need to do more research for work. But today was crazy, and tomorrow will be crazy, as Kiara and I are going to this DoD meeting to pitch Aurora to some folks who are trying to start a veterans clinic at Northern Virginia Community College. Kinda thrilled that Tom trusts us to do that - on the same token, kinda terrified that he trusts us to do that. He'll be in and out a lot this week, so I'll have time to research more. I hope.
And then, all I thought about today was EBC. The youth group. The college students. They are my heart and the joy I find in the Lord is a gift gained through serving them. And more and more I look at my job and wonder where this will lead me in 5 years? 10 years? Tom's already given me the Masters Degree talk, and says he sees in me a natural knack for leading and wants me to stay and grow with the company. Humbling. Sweet. Seriously, I'm so honored that my boss has that reaction, but my growth there can only be attributed to Christ wanting to keep me there for now. And I wonder more and more how He expects me to stay when all I think about are the students - their lives, their needs, and how we're all just in this together, praying for one another, keeping the accountability, bearing burdens. I do, however, firmly beleive that God will not give me more than I can handle in order to serve Him, so for now, if this is where I am with life, than God gets the credit for A. keeping me sane enough to stay employed and B. molding me into something useful to be used by Him.
He's all that matters.
The Romania trip. The college girls' small group. The youth group and the move to Manassas. Wow. That's happening this weekend. Noah - lesson for one of the Wednesday nights. Praying over it, want it to be something they need to hear.
So many people on my heart tonight. Can't sleep. Thankful for California, but ready to be home.
This is home. This is where pride is slashed by a God who replaces our walls with His hedge of protection. This is where hope rises and hearts are powerfully moved and changed. This is the edge of brokenness. This is where you don't know what hit you and suddenly everything's a whirlwind of better plans that I never thought could've been the blueprint of my life. This is where you think you have it all; you've got a good shot and no one can touch you and then you fall of the ladder. The Rock is solid and mighty and you look up into the faces of people you suddenly love like brothers and sisters. People who are broken and healed like you and there's hope.
Wow. Praise God for the wreckage. The unanswered prayers. The dreams that never came true. Praise God for a whole new beginning on His terms. Praise God for people - all types of people who are searching for truth and genuinely desire brokenness over hypocrisy. Praise God for truth. Most of all, Praise God for Jesus who came to rescue us out of this pit, so we won't live this Earthly life forever. We're free. We're whole in the God who claims us as His children.
So tonight, its 5 til 1. God reigns over my busy day. My forgotten grocery list. My last minute adjustments. My worries and plans and inadequacies. The students I care about are His, and their lives are in His hands.
Freedom. Exists to sleep and dream deeply; tie all these loose ends into an unrecognizable ending that tells itself so much clearer, purer, and richer than I ever could.
I don't really have groceries. Well, that's a lie. I have Cheerios, peanut butter and Jelly, and some rice. Maybe some extra cans of Campbells. None of that is really super healthy. I feel like I gained 20 lbs on vacation. Ran today, but need to run more. Bike more. Do something.
California - I'm still on California time. I want to disappear somewhere into Santa Barbara and just learn to surf - I can become that tattooed beach bum who gets to know the tourists and sells them random junk I find on the beach for inflated prices.
I need to do more research for work. But today was crazy, and tomorrow will be crazy, as Kiara and I are going to this DoD meeting to pitch Aurora to some folks who are trying to start a veterans clinic at Northern Virginia Community College. Kinda thrilled that Tom trusts us to do that - on the same token, kinda terrified that he trusts us to do that. He'll be in and out a lot this week, so I'll have time to research more. I hope.
And then, all I thought about today was EBC. The youth group. The college students. They are my heart and the joy I find in the Lord is a gift gained through serving them. And more and more I look at my job and wonder where this will lead me in 5 years? 10 years? Tom's already given me the Masters Degree talk, and says he sees in me a natural knack for leading and wants me to stay and grow with the company. Humbling. Sweet. Seriously, I'm so honored that my boss has that reaction, but my growth there can only be attributed to Christ wanting to keep me there for now. And I wonder more and more how He expects me to stay when all I think about are the students - their lives, their needs, and how we're all just in this together, praying for one another, keeping the accountability, bearing burdens. I do, however, firmly beleive that God will not give me more than I can handle in order to serve Him, so for now, if this is where I am with life, than God gets the credit for A. keeping me sane enough to stay employed and B. molding me into something useful to be used by Him.
He's all that matters.
The Romania trip. The college girls' small group. The youth group and the move to Manassas. Wow. That's happening this weekend. Noah - lesson for one of the Wednesday nights. Praying over it, want it to be something they need to hear.
So many people on my heart tonight. Can't sleep. Thankful for California, but ready to be home.
This is home. This is where pride is slashed by a God who replaces our walls with His hedge of protection. This is where hope rises and hearts are powerfully moved and changed. This is the edge of brokenness. This is where you don't know what hit you and suddenly everything's a whirlwind of better plans that I never thought could've been the blueprint of my life. This is where you think you have it all; you've got a good shot and no one can touch you and then you fall of the ladder. The Rock is solid and mighty and you look up into the faces of people you suddenly love like brothers and sisters. People who are broken and healed like you and there's hope.
Wow. Praise God for the wreckage. The unanswered prayers. The dreams that never came true. Praise God for a whole new beginning on His terms. Praise God for people - all types of people who are searching for truth and genuinely desire brokenness over hypocrisy. Praise God for truth. Most of all, Praise God for Jesus who came to rescue us out of this pit, so we won't live this Earthly life forever. We're free. We're whole in the God who claims us as His children.
So tonight, its 5 til 1. God reigns over my busy day. My forgotten grocery list. My last minute adjustments. My worries and plans and inadequacies. The students I care about are His, and their lives are in His hands.
Freedom. Exists to sleep and dream deeply; tie all these loose ends into an unrecognizable ending that tells itself so much clearer, purer, and richer than I ever could.
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