Work.
Wow.
To sit and recount all the ways the Lord has turned work around would be so much.
But I'll try.
There was a time when I really wanted this job; when I talked about moving up, getting a Masters degree in public policy, becoming an analyst. I told them that's what I wanted when I interviewed, because I did. I researched the day away, and tried my best to look into the porgams that I thought would move me forward. I applied for a Master's degree in Communications from Ithaca College in New York. Strangely enough, I got into the program not only quickly, but with scholarship money. I thought extensively about saving to get my TESOL to teach English overseas. I could just get out of the US for a while and be a "missionary," but surely it would be on my own terms - I could see the world if I wanted, but see it as one of the regular people, not as a rich tourist. I had dreams of eventually working in Washington, perhaps on K Street with a lobbying firm. I was beginning those connections and thought I still had the whole world of Ellen & Jesus at my fingertips. I could do whatever I wanted and God would bless it - You're welcome, Lord.
I was not bold for Him. I never shared my faith, and the "Amazing Grace" tattoo was brushed over when people asked me about it. I was stale and worried about getting everything I could out of the world while simultaneously trying to please everyone. I wanted to please my boyfriend at the time; I wanted to please my employer and those around me; I wanted to be as impressive as possible b/c I didn't have the money or the last name recognition to get ahead. I was all up to me. I was the Ellen show, and I was going to make it on my own terms somehow. Jesus was going to fit into my plans, and I would somehow become one of those famous Christians who had a large platform to casually mention His name and get interviews by Focus on the Family and other Christian companies. We'd all feel good about our general knowledge of Jesus, and we'd give each other friendly nods in Board meetings and we'd be content with our lukewarm walks and continue to make impacts in our own worlds that die as quickly as we do.
Nothing eternal. This plan was full of flaws - I see them now - but I wasn't willing to admit them fully until Passion 2011. I remember writing journal and blog entries about my Babylon, and the potential I worshiped, as well as the relationships I knew were wrong yet was unwilling to let go. At Passion, I released dreams of power (or so I thought) and surrendered to Jesus all rights to my future. I had no plan, which was terrifying. I've always had a plan - I've always lived my life according to my rules and fit Jesus in on the side. I am never without organization, efficiency, and some sort of explanation. Suddenly, trusting Jesus with my future demanded I give Him the reigns and accept whatever plans He had.
That ended up meaning several things for me. The tension of "being something" at work eased a lot. I was able to actually do my job better, get to know co-workers on a genuine level, and not fill my time with worry about the "next step." It also meant losing some relationships, and letting go of the idea of making it big in DC. I didn't end up going overseas to teach English - that would have been because of a selfish perogative, not because I was called. And I fell deeply in love with ministry and the community of people who became my family in Nova at Emmanuel Baptist Church.
The internship was, at first, something I didn't think I'd do. How could I commit time to an internship in Manassas while living in Arlington? How could I work a full-time job and passionately allow my heart to get so caught up in the student ministry at church? The Lord made it clear that He would take care of me if I took that leap of faith and jumped, so at the end of May, I signed a lease for an apartment in Manassas, took the internship, and began spending all my evenings in Manassas. The Lord attached my heart to several of the students in that ministry, and through discipling and loving on them, He called me to Himself and to ministy.
Since that summer - that rich, intimate, powerful summer - my life has never been the same. Sometimes I let myself sink into the depth of those days, when I got out of bed only to leave work and be with the students - when the love of my God healed me from all the broken dreams I planned for myself, and He soothed me by giving me a deep, rich call to ministry. I remember the days when the sun stayed out forever and friends from church would gather on my back porch and we'd grill and dream together of what ministry could be. When the Lord calls, He gives us shades of color to attach to our memories, and those summer of 2011 days are the brightest yellows, lightest blues, warm browns. Joy is attached to those days, and immense peace in knowing that my Jesus set me free and created me to be in Manassas at that time for that purpose.
It feels like I have to rip my head out of heaven to go from the summer internship to talking about work, but even work was better then. The days were steady, but allowed me to leave in the summer around 4:30. I would go out and drive down 66, chasing the sun back to Manassas. I could've stayed there forever, complacent and content in my Jesus and the call to be with the students.
Praise the Lord for never allowing us to remain comfortable. Praise God for always continually drawing us closer to Him, and for removing our idols, even when they seem to be good things. Ministry became an idol to me, and it was something I was starting to do and trust on my own strength. Work picked up in the fall and the long days started. I tried to do both, but always letting ministry and relationships with the students slip through the cracks for the sake of making a paycheck. I became resentful of the long hours, when the truth was that I could easily stop them by simply saying "enough is enough." At this point, the Lord had blessed me with a relationship with Brandon, and my heart was already changing to desire him and dream about the church plant with him. I selfishly wanted to keep doing everything I was doing in the summer. As the seasons changed, I should've too, and surrendered everything back to the God who gave me the gift of ministry in the first place. But I clung to it all, thinking I could handle it.
Work actually started to slip a little. My boss asked me if everything was ok in October; he said I looked a little unhappy here. I said that everything was fine; I didn't speak up about not caring about politics and policy anymore. I figured I could keep sucking it up and seeing if there was a way out. I remember that fall - Sep - November-ish timeframe - just being miserable at work. I worked all the time, putting my small groups and Brandon on the backburner many times for the sake of staying late at the office. I thought I could handle it, and thought the problem was my job. I hated the worklife balance, I grew resentful of the people who worked 60-70 hours a week, I stressed that I wasn't good enough, and I wanted to switch to a job where I wouldn't feel as much pressure. I was on job search sites daily, but really, my question to God was pretty much the same: "God, if you've called me into ministry, why won't you give me a full-time ministry job?" I didn't get why He was keeping me stuck at work, and I resented the office more and more everyday.
I tried to make ministry jobs happen for myself. I applied to a job through a college campus ministry called CCO. I looked at youth director jobs throughout churches in Virginia. Nothing seemed to fit, and the Lord kept leading me back to His answer: "Wait." Wait for what??! How am I supposed to serve you, Lord, if I'm stuck in an office that steals my time away from ministry?
I just want to pause for a moment and say, in retro-spect, I was doing ministry terribly. The truth is, work stole my time away from what I wanted ministry to be for me, on my terms again. When I look back, I was neglecting the relationships God had given me, and I was trying to do too much because I thought I could handle it on my own. No amount of spiritual growth is ever attributable to my efforts, and if God did anything to grow those girls during this past semester, it was because He is merciful and chose to intercede and work through me despite my best efforts to limit Him. I could've left work at 4:30 every day. I could've said "no" to taking on different tasks, but I chose to say "yes." I could've put Brandon as my main priority after the Lord and started scaling back, but I chose to trust in my own strength. I'm now seeing the consequences of taking on too much, and I would never suggest it to anyone. Fix your eyes on Jesus, love your spouse and family, and continually surrender your ministry to Him, as He has the power to give and take away as He pleases.
Finally, in November, after Brandon and I were engaged, I applied to another job within the company for the sake of finding a better worklife balance. I knew the Lord had lead Brandon and I to marriage and to church planting, and I didn't see how I could keep working the hours that I was and be a good helper.
My boss called me into his office to discuss this new job application, and we had a conversation that I'll never forget. I have a lot of respect for him, and I didn't want to continue keeping him in the dark about my call to ministry. So, closing my eyes and breathing deeply, I heard him ask me what I'd be doing if I could do any job in the world.
This is it, I thought. Lord, please give me the words.
"Well Sir, I actually used to really want to do public policy and be an analyst, but since working with our church's youth group this summer, I really feel called to full-time ministry. So if I could do anything, that's what I'd be doing."
I just lost my job.
He's laughing. I really did just lose me job.
So I don't really remember much else, but I know my boss looked at me and smiled, noting that sometimes, our plans get changed there's nothing wrong with that. He told me that he couldn't give me ministry, but he could give me our non-profit that does a lot of work with veterans. That work, up to that point, was my favorite part of the job, but it was all on a "volunteer" basis. He said now, my hours would be adjusted such that 50% of my time is billed to the non-profit, and I would be in charge of our internship program.
I went home that day, told Brandon, completely in awe of Jesus. If I couldn't be in ministry, the Lord had just clearly told me to stay at that office. Not only that, but He had given me work that I enjoyed doing! The Lord took the plans I had for that office and turned them into a gift from Him. Slowly but surely, things started to change.
I told people at my office that my husband and I were planting a church. Brandon and I left Emmanuel, and the ministries I had tried so hard to uphold on my own fell off, and what was left were the relationships He wanted me to maintain. I learned the importance of placing Christ at my center and placing Brandon and our marriage as my #2 priority. I left work at 4:30 everyday and while at work, didn't waste time on other job sites; the Lord had clearly affirmed that was where I needed to be. God turned my heart from resenting the office to seeing it as a mission field - these are the people of Fairfax County who need to be reaching by Jesus' love. They are the ones who don't know they don't have to be good enough. They are the ones who need healing from the lies of money and power. They are the ones who have sacrificed relationships and family for succes; who live well on the outside but hurt on the inside. In the past, I would've looked at them and either wanted their approval to move into their world or desired to run as far opposite away from Northern Virginia as possible and live a simpler life somewhere less rushed, less busy. Now, after much prayer and surrender, He has allowed me to see Northern Virginia and my office as a place to share the gospel. He has given me a burden for the people I work with to know Him, and it is not impossible to believe that every single person here can hear the gospel before I'm called out.
So when I recently got recognition for the work I'd done with the non-profit, I chuckled to myself. The coin was a nice gesture, and the people giving it to me genuinely believed I deserved it. The truth is I originally wanted out, told my boss I felt called to ministry, he said I can't give you that but I can give you our non-profit, and I started working less hours. In no way, shape, or form, did I do anything intentionally to gain recognition, and that coin is a gift from the Lord to affirm that surrender to Him is always the best plan. I have been able to share the gospel with some of the folks I work with. I am praying for them, and for boldness and more opportunities. I am not scared to defend my faith here at work, and I know that as He gives His favor, He can just as easily take away the favor of man. My dignity and pride is not worth clinging to if I can't have Jesus. This coin belongs to Him. It is dedicated to the Lord who wove this story of unpredicatable proportions together, and who can take this job, this call, this life, away with just one word.
Lord, let the coin be a conversation piece to point people to You and the demonstrate the changes You made in my life. Give yourself glory through it, and take me away entirely. I love you, Jesus; thank you for changing my life. I lay the coin at Your feet - do with it as You please.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
