Please God, call me out. What am I doing here? My heart is not here; my passion for ministry is elsewhere. Please give me and opportunity to tell him where my heart is. Please help them let me go. Please provide a way into ministry, where this is no longer something that seems confusing. Do I even have the right to ask you that? I desire you. I desire your will for my life. I desire your provision, and Lord, all I want to do is be yours.
Lord, specifically:
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
11 For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
Psalm 143
1Hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my plea!
Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
2 Don’t put your servant on trial,
for no one is innocent before you.
3 My enemy has chased me.
He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
4 I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
5 I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
6 I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
Interlude
7 Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
8 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
11 For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
12 In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Giving up the American Dream
Yesterday was a hard day. For one, I wasn't really feeling well. I got to leave work a little early and just relax, which was nice, but more than the physical sickness, I couldn't find a way to turn my thoughts off.
Do you ever have days like that? Where you run through every possibility open to you and you worship them? You idolize the options and you bare you soul to the idea that you can be anything and in that exposure to everything the world offers, you miss God? Entirely? My heart ached for Him yesterday, b/c I spent the entire day prostituting myself to the ideas man plants into my mind:
Be anything. Find job security. Make yourself better, more marketable. Get certified in something, anything, and run with it. You'll need it later. You're young, you're gonna do great things, kid. Except you'll only do great things if you follow a certain path - there's a one-way street, and it has everything to do with picking the right grad school, choosing the right certification program, getting into the right meetings and knowing the right people.
All. Day. Long.
It's pounded into me here, and yesterday, it got to me. I looked at every option I could, and examined all the different possibilities to keep myself "safe." Financially provided for. There's no faith in that, there's no leaning on the Eternal God and there's no reason to trust Him if I have it all figured out.
Tell that to me yesterday.
I was on all sorts of websites, trying to find the way out. God, help me help you. You want me to serve you, and you've got me stuck here, so I might as well make the most of it, right? Might as well learn network admin, or web development, or something that will make me more appreciated here than just being a receptionist... Ego? Maybe that's what caused it? Pride? Definitely pride. Because at the root of the whole epidose of worry yesterday was the fact that I crave control over my destiny, and I don't simply let go and trust. I desire to steer myself towards what the world finds satisfactory and hope that God approves and can then take my efforts and use them. These are leftovers - efforts remaining from a heart too scared/selfish/prideful/sinful to give up and choose Him in the first place. They are leftovers and they are sin.
So I leave work yesterday just, restless. I have to keep from being a failure, I have to keep my head above water, I have to figure out how to make this job work according to the Lord's plans. I have to...
Control has always been an issue for me. In relationships, I had no idea how to let a godly man lead. I had no idea how to be pursued. I had no idea how to trust that the failure of my plans did not mean God was through with me, but really trying to show me something better.
So last night, I'm just frustrated. I can't figure out how to reconcile dreams from the Lord with plans from a worldly mindset. I try to compare the two, make them work with each other and its like combining oil and water - they won't mix.
So I quit trying.
Praise the Lamb who chose me when He could've walked off the cross.
And as soon as I gave up, He gave me these verses to cling to as truth:
Proverbs 3:5-7
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
I surrendered the struggle to figure it out. I quit trying. People have been telling me to quit trying for so long, but I never got it; I never understood until last night.
I am free from the fear the world places in me of not being an "accomplished individual," and I am not responsible for planning my way into ministry. I am responsible for trusting my Savior, whose love endures forever, to open the doors He chooses to open, and in the mean time, live for Him. I am responsible for letting go of control. So what if I don't have marketable skills that will carry me throughout the rest of a career? God is guiding everything, and the wisdom I try to find in my own strength is foolishness. My understanding (aka, my control over my future career just b/c someone tells me I have to be somebody) is flawed with sin, and breaks the heart of a Holy God. So I trust Him. I trust His timing and I trust His leading to keep me here for now. I trust the doors He will open in the future, but it's not my job to actively seek those doors.
I literally can't describe to you the joy and the relief of finally understanding that I had the freedom to surrender that fight. I have the freedom to be impoverished for the sake of the gospel; that others may know Him and never once worry about the perception of the world. I don't have to fit into an "American Dream" mold; I don't have to trust in my own abilities to weather these tough economic times, and I don't have to lose sleep anymore wondering what the next step is going to be! I'm free to be His, and for now, He's freed me of my own understanding! He's shown me that attempts to control my life are rooted in sin and I should shun them. The Bible says to shun all evil, fear the Lord, and never once to trust yourself.
This is freedom - that my Jesus, my Savior whose love I don't deserve, not only rescues me from my sin on a daily basis, but gives me the beautiful gift of faith to believe His Word. I wholeheartedly believe that my life is about to take turns that require extraordinary trust in Jesus, and its critical that I learn now to never lean on my own understanding, especially for such concerns as financial security. Its critical I acknowledge that my desire to plan, control, etc is in direct conflict with God's dreams and my schemes are evil. His dreams are good. The clarity from letting go and accepting Christ as the leader of your "American Dream" is awesome, but it's a struggle. We're engrained to trust in ourselves as Americans, and letting God take over only when we seem to lack control. What if we lacked control over it all, and God was allowed to take over everything?
He took over that struggle for me last night, and I just wanted to share how freeing it is. How beautiful. He can't direct your paths if you're trusting in your own abilities; give up. It's so, so good.
Do you ever have days like that? Where you run through every possibility open to you and you worship them? You idolize the options and you bare you soul to the idea that you can be anything and in that exposure to everything the world offers, you miss God? Entirely? My heart ached for Him yesterday, b/c I spent the entire day prostituting myself to the ideas man plants into my mind:
Be anything. Find job security. Make yourself better, more marketable. Get certified in something, anything, and run with it. You'll need it later. You're young, you're gonna do great things, kid. Except you'll only do great things if you follow a certain path - there's a one-way street, and it has everything to do with picking the right grad school, choosing the right certification program, getting into the right meetings and knowing the right people.
All. Day. Long.
It's pounded into me here, and yesterday, it got to me. I looked at every option I could, and examined all the different possibilities to keep myself "safe." Financially provided for. There's no faith in that, there's no leaning on the Eternal God and there's no reason to trust Him if I have it all figured out.
Tell that to me yesterday.
I was on all sorts of websites, trying to find the way out. God, help me help you. You want me to serve you, and you've got me stuck here, so I might as well make the most of it, right? Might as well learn network admin, or web development, or something that will make me more appreciated here than just being a receptionist... Ego? Maybe that's what caused it? Pride? Definitely pride. Because at the root of the whole epidose of worry yesterday was the fact that I crave control over my destiny, and I don't simply let go and trust. I desire to steer myself towards what the world finds satisfactory and hope that God approves and can then take my efforts and use them. These are leftovers - efforts remaining from a heart too scared/selfish/prideful/sinful to give up and choose Him in the first place. They are leftovers and they are sin.
So I leave work yesterday just, restless. I have to keep from being a failure, I have to keep my head above water, I have to figure out how to make this job work according to the Lord's plans. I have to...
Control has always been an issue for me. In relationships, I had no idea how to let a godly man lead. I had no idea how to be pursued. I had no idea how to trust that the failure of my plans did not mean God was through with me, but really trying to show me something better.
So last night, I'm just frustrated. I can't figure out how to reconcile dreams from the Lord with plans from a worldly mindset. I try to compare the two, make them work with each other and its like combining oil and water - they won't mix.
So I quit trying.
Praise the Lamb who chose me when He could've walked off the cross.
And as soon as I gave up, He gave me these verses to cling to as truth:
Proverbs 3:5-7
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
I surrendered the struggle to figure it out. I quit trying. People have been telling me to quit trying for so long, but I never got it; I never understood until last night.
I am free from the fear the world places in me of not being an "accomplished individual," and I am not responsible for planning my way into ministry. I am responsible for trusting my Savior, whose love endures forever, to open the doors He chooses to open, and in the mean time, live for Him. I am responsible for letting go of control. So what if I don't have marketable skills that will carry me throughout the rest of a career? God is guiding everything, and the wisdom I try to find in my own strength is foolishness. My understanding (aka, my control over my future career just b/c someone tells me I have to be somebody) is flawed with sin, and breaks the heart of a Holy God. So I trust Him. I trust His timing and I trust His leading to keep me here for now. I trust the doors He will open in the future, but it's not my job to actively seek those doors.
I literally can't describe to you the joy and the relief of finally understanding that I had the freedom to surrender that fight. I have the freedom to be impoverished for the sake of the gospel; that others may know Him and never once worry about the perception of the world. I don't have to fit into an "American Dream" mold; I don't have to trust in my own abilities to weather these tough economic times, and I don't have to lose sleep anymore wondering what the next step is going to be! I'm free to be His, and for now, He's freed me of my own understanding! He's shown me that attempts to control my life are rooted in sin and I should shun them. The Bible says to shun all evil, fear the Lord, and never once to trust yourself.
This is freedom - that my Jesus, my Savior whose love I don't deserve, not only rescues me from my sin on a daily basis, but gives me the beautiful gift of faith to believe His Word. I wholeheartedly believe that my life is about to take turns that require extraordinary trust in Jesus, and its critical that I learn now to never lean on my own understanding, especially for such concerns as financial security. Its critical I acknowledge that my desire to plan, control, etc is in direct conflict with God's dreams and my schemes are evil. His dreams are good. The clarity from letting go and accepting Christ as the leader of your "American Dream" is awesome, but it's a struggle. We're engrained to trust in ourselves as Americans, and letting God take over only when we seem to lack control. What if we lacked control over it all, and God was allowed to take over everything?
He took over that struggle for me last night, and I just wanted to share how freeing it is. How beautiful. He can't direct your paths if you're trusting in your own abilities; give up. It's so, so good.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Marshall
How do you define vision? Heck if I know. All I know is I've been praying for it and when it comes, its like a flood from the Lord who wants us to follow Him.
"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:17-18
"Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" Matthew 19:21
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27
The command is clear: Care for the poor. "Jesus never healed half-way" (Marshall said that - I'll get to him in a moment). So why, WHY do I think that ministry can't be all-encompassing, and why do I not find more opportunities to serve? Why am I so content to follow someone else's vision that really has no bearing on my calling in life?
No more settling. Praying for more flooding. Make it obvious there's more and the calling is elsewhere, not here. Easy to leave. Easy to uproot and easy to look people in the eye and tell them the truth - that I'm called to something else.
Praying for help. Have no clue where to begin. Jireh. That place next to it is for lease. Practical beginnings: ask for donations - college kids can paint the place, make it look modern and inviting. Shelter? Definitely a food pantry. Babysitting for moms who need to work and can't afford it? College kids who have random slots of time in their schedule? Just come by and be available. Teach the children the gospel as their moms work. Serve the mothers who could never otherwise afford it. Feed the children; give them spritual building blocks for thier lives.
Need help. Need prayer. Need donations. Need the Lord to empty me completely of myself. I need Him. Desperately. How do you follow a massive dream?
Lord, if you so desire, and if this is from you, then rush over me with peace (as only a flood can) and send people who can help, who have a heart for the same things. Who can affirm your call. Send people who have the vision to serve and care for the poor, widows, and orphans. Convict me of the selfishness that prevented You from working for so long. Thank you for Marshall, for Katie, for Fairfax, VA.
Take the dream and change it into whatever You choose. Hold me and I pursue You. Lord, please send your presence as enough. Psalm 114 says your presence is to be greatly feared, and to think that presence lives in me... Who am I? Humbled.
Send peace, dear Father. Send suffiency so its a miracle for which You are praised. Make it OBVIOUS that You had to deliver. Make it Yours. Take me away and make it all Yours, Lord. Bring forth dreamers who can change the world for You, too.
God, please send the courage that enabled David to kill a giant. That courage exists only from the God who is mighty to save and completely faithful. Whole. Entirely sufficient to meet needs as I follow your commands. Faithful. Trustworthy. Dear God, I'm giving this back to You, and simply praying for You to affirm and to guide.
and Marshall.
Lord, he knows more about life than I ever will. Deliver him from chains - break Satan. Smash Satan. Rip Satan away and hold Marshall through the questions, the withdrawal, the insecurity. Lord, for your Glory and Fame, set a captive free to serve You with his entire being.
You are Power and Might and Majesty and You deserve all the Honor and Glory forever and ever. Come back soon, please God.
I love You.
"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:17-18
"Jesus answered, If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" Matthew 19:21
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27
The command is clear: Care for the poor. "Jesus never healed half-way" (Marshall said that - I'll get to him in a moment). So why, WHY do I think that ministry can't be all-encompassing, and why do I not find more opportunities to serve? Why am I so content to follow someone else's vision that really has no bearing on my calling in life?
No more settling. Praying for more flooding. Make it obvious there's more and the calling is elsewhere, not here. Easy to leave. Easy to uproot and easy to look people in the eye and tell them the truth - that I'm called to something else.
Praying for help. Have no clue where to begin. Jireh. That place next to it is for lease. Practical beginnings: ask for donations - college kids can paint the place, make it look modern and inviting. Shelter? Definitely a food pantry. Babysitting for moms who need to work and can't afford it? College kids who have random slots of time in their schedule? Just come by and be available. Teach the children the gospel as their moms work. Serve the mothers who could never otherwise afford it. Feed the children; give them spritual building blocks for thier lives.
Need help. Need prayer. Need donations. Need the Lord to empty me completely of myself. I need Him. Desperately. How do you follow a massive dream?
Lord, if you so desire, and if this is from you, then rush over me with peace (as only a flood can) and send people who can help, who have a heart for the same things. Who can affirm your call. Send people who have the vision to serve and care for the poor, widows, and orphans. Convict me of the selfishness that prevented You from working for so long. Thank you for Marshall, for Katie, for Fairfax, VA.
Take the dream and change it into whatever You choose. Hold me and I pursue You. Lord, please send your presence as enough. Psalm 114 says your presence is to be greatly feared, and to think that presence lives in me... Who am I? Humbled.
Send peace, dear Father. Send suffiency so its a miracle for which You are praised. Make it OBVIOUS that You had to deliver. Make it Yours. Take me away and make it all Yours, Lord. Bring forth dreamers who can change the world for You, too.
God, please send the courage that enabled David to kill a giant. That courage exists only from the God who is mighty to save and completely faithful. Whole. Entirely sufficient to meet needs as I follow your commands. Faithful. Trustworthy. Dear God, I'm giving this back to You, and simply praying for You to affirm and to guide.
and Marshall.
Lord, he knows more about life than I ever will. Deliver him from chains - break Satan. Smash Satan. Rip Satan away and hold Marshall through the questions, the withdrawal, the insecurity. Lord, for your Glory and Fame, set a captive free to serve You with his entire being.
You are Power and Might and Majesty and You deserve all the Honor and Glory forever and ever. Come back soon, please God.
I love You.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Old Friend - Intro
Part One - For the sake of accountability, I'm going to try to update this every Saturday with the journey to better know Him through asking these hard questions. Praying for Truth, every moment of every day.
I feel like I'm coming home to an old friend with open arms, somone peaceful and calm in the middle of cold, dreary weather. I've missed writing. I've missed the intimacy with Jesus that I find when I pour out life onto a page. There's been a lot of life lately. A lot of color, joy, beauty, and ugliness; the full spectrum of grays translating over into reds and orange and flowing back to yellow and soft hues of blue.
I miss a lot. I miss the students. It was like I was on summer break with them, which is actually kinda cool because I would've never otherwise remembered it was summer. And now fall - or is this fall? Its cold and wet and rainy outside. Kinda reminds me of winter last year... but I digress. And now I just ordered my material for small groups to the correct address (the joys of moving - finally), and those college girls are a joy. Loving them and living life with them is such a blessing; they have no idea. And on top of all the life that God chooses to give, He's blessed me with sweet relationships. Beautiful friendships that I treasure more than I ever realized I would, and friends who build me up in Christ and speak truth to me and with whom I can be completely transparent with no guards up, no walls. It's hard to switch in and out of worlds where no one really has time to see your heart, or understand your passion, or care about deep, below-surface-level community together.
Time. Its the one thing I used to have that does not exist anymore. And as much as I want to blame my job; as much as I want to get so frustrated that my workload gets bigger and bigger, quitting my job would only be a temporary fix, because before I know it, I'll fill my time up again with even more things that don't matter. I'll get really busy for the sake of "ministry," or whatever else it is, and miss my God all over again. So I label my life, place difference pieces as more important, more convenient ways to get to God, and still miss Him.
I am asking myself a lot of hard questions right now, and the journey is beginning to be intentional about taking them before Jesus and in spite of the uncertainty, knowing Him. I want to document this journey, and know that here, in October of 2011, God started the preparation for something bigger, and the vision for something greater than myself.
So please share it. Please know that its a joy and an honor to share this with you. And its a beautiful thing to have community here in Northern Virginia, where God has placed me for such a time as this.
But I ask Him every day, and search for answers every day, and the same activity goes on and on in my head and I look at the people around me every day and wonder what I'm doing here.
Am I really called?
Am I really just miserable in my circumstances right now and looking for a way out, and do I have the audacity to use the excuse of "ministry" as a reason to quit?
Do I really just miss God so much that I think ministry will solve my problems of spending time with him?
Am I so intimidated by what the world thinks of me that I'm really just too scared to face teh disappointed faces?
Am I scared of money, or the lack of it?
How do I know God, what do I do?
How is this time of molding and shaping something He can possibly use to bring Himself glory when I struggle every day to just spend time with Him?
How do I get to know my Jesus better, and love the people I work with, and love the students and be a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, sister, human being, when my life is swallowed by things I', not passionate about?
How can He possibly use that to His glory?
And why won't He just let me quit?
Hard questions. So I write them out and I process them as best I can, and I get back to work. And I drive through traffic every day, stare at a screen, and get back to them later when I have time.
What if I stay so busy to purposefully ignore the answers?
There's comfort in writing. There's comfort in knowing the voice of my God is still here, and His hands are holding me, even though I am the least of these. He has told me so many things lately. I'm learning to say "no" to over-committing myself. I'm learning to wait on Him and trust Him. I'm finding there's a huge difference between knowing God intimately and trusting Him. Intimacy feels safe, its this place of rest in the middle of the storm. Trust happens when the feeling isnt there, and all the comfort in the world can't seem to be found. I think.
He has given me so many words of truth: "I'm preparing you," "Learn to say 'no,'" "Know Me - simply just know Me," and my favorite: "My plans are best for you." He has the best plans for me, and all I have to do is trust that. Let this worry go. Let these fears of failing on so many different fronts be nailed to the cross of my Jesus and simply know Love, know The Way.
How do you become so desparate for Christ, for this massive blanket of supernatural love that you'd give up everything? I think what's worse is getting to that point but having no direction to follow. Give up everything, then what?
Where do I go from there, and why?
He is faithful to me. He is love and rest and peace to me, and He has given me writing as a gift to unwrap all these deep, dark, horrifying questions that I may not want to know the answer to, and one by one, begin to seek Him. Not what He can give me as an answer, but Him.
He is enough. He is the old friend to whom I am returning.
Psalm 107:43 - Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the Lord.
I feel like I'm coming home to an old friend with open arms, somone peaceful and calm in the middle of cold, dreary weather. I've missed writing. I've missed the intimacy with Jesus that I find when I pour out life onto a page. There's been a lot of life lately. A lot of color, joy, beauty, and ugliness; the full spectrum of grays translating over into reds and orange and flowing back to yellow and soft hues of blue.
I miss a lot. I miss the students. It was like I was on summer break with them, which is actually kinda cool because I would've never otherwise remembered it was summer. And now fall - or is this fall? Its cold and wet and rainy outside. Kinda reminds me of winter last year... but I digress. And now I just ordered my material for small groups to the correct address (the joys of moving - finally), and those college girls are a joy. Loving them and living life with them is such a blessing; they have no idea. And on top of all the life that God chooses to give, He's blessed me with sweet relationships. Beautiful friendships that I treasure more than I ever realized I would, and friends who build me up in Christ and speak truth to me and with whom I can be completely transparent with no guards up, no walls. It's hard to switch in and out of worlds where no one really has time to see your heart, or understand your passion, or care about deep, below-surface-level community together.
Time. Its the one thing I used to have that does not exist anymore. And as much as I want to blame my job; as much as I want to get so frustrated that my workload gets bigger and bigger, quitting my job would only be a temporary fix, because before I know it, I'll fill my time up again with even more things that don't matter. I'll get really busy for the sake of "ministry," or whatever else it is, and miss my God all over again. So I label my life, place difference pieces as more important, more convenient ways to get to God, and still miss Him.
I am asking myself a lot of hard questions right now, and the journey is beginning to be intentional about taking them before Jesus and in spite of the uncertainty, knowing Him. I want to document this journey, and know that here, in October of 2011, God started the preparation for something bigger, and the vision for something greater than myself.
So please share it. Please know that its a joy and an honor to share this with you. And its a beautiful thing to have community here in Northern Virginia, where God has placed me for such a time as this.
But I ask Him every day, and search for answers every day, and the same activity goes on and on in my head and I look at the people around me every day and wonder what I'm doing here.
Am I really called?
Am I really just miserable in my circumstances right now and looking for a way out, and do I have the audacity to use the excuse of "ministry" as a reason to quit?
Do I really just miss God so much that I think ministry will solve my problems of spending time with him?
Am I so intimidated by what the world thinks of me that I'm really just too scared to face teh disappointed faces?
Am I scared of money, or the lack of it?
How do I know God, what do I do?
How is this time of molding and shaping something He can possibly use to bring Himself glory when I struggle every day to just spend time with Him?
How do I get to know my Jesus better, and love the people I work with, and love the students and be a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, sister, human being, when my life is swallowed by things I', not passionate about?
How can He possibly use that to His glory?
And why won't He just let me quit?
Hard questions. So I write them out and I process them as best I can, and I get back to work. And I drive through traffic every day, stare at a screen, and get back to them later when I have time.
What if I stay so busy to purposefully ignore the answers?
There's comfort in writing. There's comfort in knowing the voice of my God is still here, and His hands are holding me, even though I am the least of these. He has told me so many things lately. I'm learning to say "no" to over-committing myself. I'm learning to wait on Him and trust Him. I'm finding there's a huge difference between knowing God intimately and trusting Him. Intimacy feels safe, its this place of rest in the middle of the storm. Trust happens when the feeling isnt there, and all the comfort in the world can't seem to be found. I think.
He has given me so many words of truth: "I'm preparing you," "Learn to say 'no,'" "Know Me - simply just know Me," and my favorite: "My plans are best for you." He has the best plans for me, and all I have to do is trust that. Let this worry go. Let these fears of failing on so many different fronts be nailed to the cross of my Jesus and simply know Love, know The Way.
How do you become so desparate for Christ, for this massive blanket of supernatural love that you'd give up everything? I think what's worse is getting to that point but having no direction to follow. Give up everything, then what?
Where do I go from there, and why?
He is faithful to me. He is love and rest and peace to me, and He has given me writing as a gift to unwrap all these deep, dark, horrifying questions that I may not want to know the answer to, and one by one, begin to seek Him. Not what He can give me as an answer, but Him.
He is enough. He is the old friend to whom I am returning.
Psalm 107:43 - Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the Lord.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Confessions
So I suck - completely.
Run-down of my days:
Include work - getting up at 5:50 to get ready for the day, fight traffic, and be in the office around 7:45. All day. Usually eat lunch at my desk, no big deal, it happens, stuff's gotta get done. Get off work and I briefly entertain the thought of going for a run before hanging out with students. Because if I'm honest, at any moment of the day, I'd always rather spend it with students - high school or college. Over work, exercise, reading, sleeping, eating, dating, whatever - I'd rather build relationships and love on the amazing students God has placed in my life. And there's joy in that b/c I was created to make disciples.
But I'm empty. I'm so freaking depleted and there's not much left to pour out when I'm not letting God pour into me. And the time, even doing ministry, selfishly becomes mine all over again when I have nothing to offer from b/c I'm not spending time with Him in the first place. And I'm so disgusted with myself. I know this. He isn't going to try to convince me to give up my time to Him; it should just be something I do because I love my Father. But I don't.
No, I work. A lot. And I drown myself in thoughts of "maybe I can still do both," and maybe one day I'll just be "Corporate Ellen" and these ideas penetrate my drives home and all I do is wonder and I act on nothing and my time is still attacked and I'm still running on empty.
The bottomline is I miss Jesus. I'm angry that I allow the time to become my time and its wasted away for things other than ministry and I tell myself I'd give this all up in a moment if God called me out of it. That would be so awesome. Perfect. Would make it so much easier to grow in Him, be His, have time for Him, etc. Right? Maybe?
Maybe not. I can't even give Him time now, so what makes me think it'll get better just because the title changes to something to do with ministry? Who am I fooling? I suck; I let my time slip away and call it God's when the reality is it's totally mine and I'm selfish and foolish, thinking I have something to offer. There's no one to blame but myself. Nowhere to point the finger but towards my own selfishness.
I know this:
1. Jesus has called me to follow Him selflessly and make disciples. Right now, its convenient to do ministry with my job and b/c its convenient, its becoming easier and easier to stay settled in that situation and not ask God to grow. Not ask Him to stretch my faith to something uncomfortable again b/c seriously, I just got comfortable and everything is so easy right now. I call ministry mine and forget it was His in the first place.
2. I suck at spending time with Him. I'm too selfish with my schedule and I'm getting burnt out.
3. I still flirt with my future being something other than what He intended for me. MPA. MBA. GREs. Grad school options everywhere. Imagining possibilities provides an escape sometimes and it leads to dangerous roads that bring Him zero honor and glory whatsoever.
4. I'm terrified that I'm stuck here in this complacency and I'll drown in it; I can't shake that terror, but I let it linger; control it, box it up, give it a name, tame it so I can at least understand it and not let it control me. Rationalize my reason for remaining complacent.
The reality is, I have been praying for an open door and it's been sitting in my inbox. And I know it and I've let it lie and finally, God's bringing me to this point where repentence and filthy rags are all I have to offer and there is literally no point in waiting around anymore. None. I have nothing to lose, because all the faith I can muster has only served to open my eyes to how wasteful I am with my time and how empty I am without Christ and I can't fix that without Him. All I can do is turn to Him. All I can do is ask for help. B/c I sure can't quit complacency on my own. And trusting Him is only going to bring me closer to His plans. That's all I wanted in the first place, back when I didn't have anything going for me then, either. Nothing's changed, I just allow myself to think it has.
I worship my time, and the options I have to spend my time on. I worship the idea of freedom, and relish the fact that if I really wanted to, I can pick up and leave and go anywhere. I worship my potential and the flattery of the world to tell me what my potential is.
I worship me and call it "ministry." I worship me and call it "time for God." I worship me and call it my blog, my facebook, twitter, "outreach." I worship me and call it a job that allows me to still do ministry on the side when in reality I have no freaking idea what surrender can be because I still worship myself.
Praise God for Jesus. And everything He is. Past, Present, Future. His example. His walk and His love.
Matthew 4.1-11.
Nothing to lose.
Run-down of my days:
Include work - getting up at 5:50 to get ready for the day, fight traffic, and be in the office around 7:45. All day. Usually eat lunch at my desk, no big deal, it happens, stuff's gotta get done. Get off work and I briefly entertain the thought of going for a run before hanging out with students. Because if I'm honest, at any moment of the day, I'd always rather spend it with students - high school or college. Over work, exercise, reading, sleeping, eating, dating, whatever - I'd rather build relationships and love on the amazing students God has placed in my life. And there's joy in that b/c I was created to make disciples.
But I'm empty. I'm so freaking depleted and there's not much left to pour out when I'm not letting God pour into me. And the time, even doing ministry, selfishly becomes mine all over again when I have nothing to offer from b/c I'm not spending time with Him in the first place. And I'm so disgusted with myself. I know this. He isn't going to try to convince me to give up my time to Him; it should just be something I do because I love my Father. But I don't.
No, I work. A lot. And I drown myself in thoughts of "maybe I can still do both," and maybe one day I'll just be "Corporate Ellen" and these ideas penetrate my drives home and all I do is wonder and I act on nothing and my time is still attacked and I'm still running on empty.
The bottomline is I miss Jesus. I'm angry that I allow the time to become my time and its wasted away for things other than ministry and I tell myself I'd give this all up in a moment if God called me out of it. That would be so awesome. Perfect. Would make it so much easier to grow in Him, be His, have time for Him, etc. Right? Maybe?
Maybe not. I can't even give Him time now, so what makes me think it'll get better just because the title changes to something to do with ministry? Who am I fooling? I suck; I let my time slip away and call it God's when the reality is it's totally mine and I'm selfish and foolish, thinking I have something to offer. There's no one to blame but myself. Nowhere to point the finger but towards my own selfishness.
I know this:
1. Jesus has called me to follow Him selflessly and make disciples. Right now, its convenient to do ministry with my job and b/c its convenient, its becoming easier and easier to stay settled in that situation and not ask God to grow. Not ask Him to stretch my faith to something uncomfortable again b/c seriously, I just got comfortable and everything is so easy right now. I call ministry mine and forget it was His in the first place.
2. I suck at spending time with Him. I'm too selfish with my schedule and I'm getting burnt out.
3. I still flirt with my future being something other than what He intended for me. MPA. MBA. GREs. Grad school options everywhere. Imagining possibilities provides an escape sometimes and it leads to dangerous roads that bring Him zero honor and glory whatsoever.
4. I'm terrified that I'm stuck here in this complacency and I'll drown in it; I can't shake that terror, but I let it linger; control it, box it up, give it a name, tame it so I can at least understand it and not let it control me. Rationalize my reason for remaining complacent.
The reality is, I have been praying for an open door and it's been sitting in my inbox. And I know it and I've let it lie and finally, God's bringing me to this point where repentence and filthy rags are all I have to offer and there is literally no point in waiting around anymore. None. I have nothing to lose, because all the faith I can muster has only served to open my eyes to how wasteful I am with my time and how empty I am without Christ and I can't fix that without Him. All I can do is turn to Him. All I can do is ask for help. B/c I sure can't quit complacency on my own. And trusting Him is only going to bring me closer to His plans. That's all I wanted in the first place, back when I didn't have anything going for me then, either. Nothing's changed, I just allow myself to think it has.
I worship my time, and the options I have to spend my time on. I worship the idea of freedom, and relish the fact that if I really wanted to, I can pick up and leave and go anywhere. I worship my potential and the flattery of the world to tell me what my potential is.
I worship me and call it "ministry." I worship me and call it "time for God." I worship me and call it my blog, my facebook, twitter, "outreach." I worship me and call it a job that allows me to still do ministry on the side when in reality I have no freaking idea what surrender can be because I still worship myself.
Praise God for Jesus. And everything He is. Past, Present, Future. His example. His walk and His love.
Matthew 4.1-11.
Nothing to lose.
Monday, August 15, 2011
College Senior
I don't know how you'll respond to this, but it needs to be said. It's been on my heart for a while.
We've all made mistakes, right? No one's perfect. No one's better than anyone else, so from the get-go, I'm acknowledging that this letter is coming from a heart of personal experience. I don't want you to learn these lessons the way I did, so don't think, please, for one moment, that there's judgement here, ok?
But look. Can I just say... What the hell happened to you? Don't you remember when you were on fire, ON FIRE, for theLord? Don't you remember the days when you would call me out on everything in such a loving way? Don't you know that person still exists somewhere; there's a girl with blind faith in God who knows the redeeming power of Jesus Christ in such a beautiful, innocent way so WHAT HAPPENED?! Where did you go?! Where is the boldness and the fearlessness that made people turn their heads and wonder about you?
You're so beautiful. So talented. I look at you and I see one of the smartest people I've ever met. Literally. You got the brains of the family and I'm looking forward to the day when I can call you and ask you for money because you're the responsible one who will end up taking care of all of us one day. (Don't worry, I won't totally mooch off you. Just kind of :) ) But you are so rich in talent. You paint effortlessly and see beauty and art everywhere. You have a heart for those who can't help themselves and you are tender and loving towards people who others don't seem to understand. And you're so beautiful. I remember being so jealous of you because one day, you woke up taller than me - so grown up and lovely, and that never changed. You were the one that had to grow up too fast and accept life as completely unfair at an even earlier age than I did, and I wish more than anything that I could change that. I wish I could have you here with me and tell you that life turned out well, and God's hand never moved from our lives and His plans are still becoming realities, even as we speak.
So I'm led into this: don't turn away. You know right from wrong, and you have a moral compass that is not of your own making, but from your God. Don't flick Him off. Don't look at your life and all He's brought you through and say that one little guilty pleasure is worth missing the most amazing relationship of your entire life. Your life is in such a crucial place; you're about to get everything you've ever worked for, and sweetheart, you've worked so hard. You've built so much and you're abilities to lead and positively influence others are not lost on anyone. They're there and its obvious. And your talent and your capacity to just look at problems and solve them is incredible and could it be that God gave you these amazing gifts for you to completely break down walls that ordinary, everyday human beings like me are never really going to be able to breach? You're freaking off the charts and you're about to throw it away so I'm begging you, I'm BEGGING you, please wake up and remember that your God didn't die for you to just have Him when its convenient for you and to let you pick Him back up when you're done with these favorite sins that will RUIN you. They'll destroy you if you don't turn away and give it all up to your Father.
I don't get it. You were always the one telling me not to waste my time with guys who didn't love the Lord and YOU WATCHED ME break because of those mistakes and YOU WATCHED as those relationships dragged my heart over jagged rocks and I guess I just don't understand how you could sit there with front-row seats to that horror show throughout high school and college and still think you can play with that same fire. Where did that voice of reason go? You're not safe, you can't just play with the devil and come away unscathed; his games are going to leave you broken and what I don't understand is how you watched it happen - and not just to me. To your other friends and relatives and you are still there in the middle of it all. Quit lying and hiding and pushing that sin to the backburner and dealing with it later. You're not winning this one. You're settling and you're going to be stuck and the devil is laughing his head off because he will permanently cripple whatever plans God had for you in the first place. YOU ARE LETTING HIM WIN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!! DOESN'T THAT PISS YOU OFF?!!
Because it infuritates me. You're not the type to settle, and you, of all people, were not created to fail. But you are going to fail if you keep Jesus as your security blanket and continue your favorite little sins on the side. Because they're not little at all. They equate to the death your allowing to destroy your testimony, your walk, and your potential for Christ. Death is swallowing you whole and you freaking know it and you're letting it happen and I love you, I LOVE YOU too much for you to just sit away and pretend to not care.
I love you. I messed up too. And guess what? He redeemed me and God won. And now He's using my story to somehow bring Himself glory. He can do that for you too because NOTHING is beyond redemption. Nothing. It's never too late for you to give up and trust Him. It'll be raw and painful and really hard but it will be worth it. Oh, I promise Jesus is worth losing that familiarity and comfort zone for. Death is not worth it. You're not growing in Him. You should be, but you're not. You're dying away from Him, separated by this one comfortable sin you refuse to give up. So give up, please, I'm begging you to give up and come back and know the depth of your Savior's love and redemptive power. He gives better gifts than we could create or imagine for ourselves.
There's a man out there who will lead you to Christ and guard your heart and honor you and you won't be able to believe what it is you've been missing all this time; that God could create a man so perfect for you, so amazing that he is all the things you never even knew you needed.
Godly men exist. I promise.
I love you so, so much. I wrote a lot, but it's because you are so much more important to me than just an afterthought. This is all I've been wanting to say for a long time, and I hope I said it lovingly. Maybe I'm angry, but its only because there's deception lurking and I want to rip the blindfold off your eyes, but I can't be the one to do that. I can tell you how I ripped my own blindfold off and have never been the same, but you already know that.
You know that. I want you to live, not settle. Not die.
So all I can do is tell you my heart and that I love you and want you to know Him.
Good luck with everything this year.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Psalm 119:33-40
God is not silent. He gives hope right when I think there is none.
When the murkiness of my own mind begins to cloud everything He's proven to be true, He takes His words and wipes some of the dirt from my window so I can begin to see clearly that there's light outside, not a world of cobwebs where I live as a shadow.
He holds my hand when I come to Him needy, and lets me rant and rave about everything that doesn't matter. He gently places me on the ground and stands up to show me just how big He is and how small I am.
I am nothing.
He is Lord.
And then, in His majesty, He kneels down to me again, a child, and yet seeks after me to cleanse my heart of the impure motives in coming to Him.
Oh, Ellen, you want something from me? You want an answer, a distinct sign? You desire some tangible product from my bounty, so you come to me with this worshipful facade and expect me to be fooled and find you good enough to give a reward to?
Such a fool. Do you, child, still not understand who I am? Do you not understand grace? You live your life as though you need answers to survive, when really, every question has been answered for eternity through my salvation.
So I sit at the feet of this Great God as a child, humbled and in need of nothing but Him.
I find myself here now. Holding out hope in His Word, that He will speak to me through it. Through prayer, I will simply know my Jesus better, as a relationship that is grown and nurtured through intentional time spent with each other. That blind trust in Him will become more of a reality and I will accept that I don't need answers, I just need Jesus.
When the murkiness of my own mind begins to cloud everything He's proven to be true, He takes His words and wipes some of the dirt from my window so I can begin to see clearly that there's light outside, not a world of cobwebs where I live as a shadow.
He holds my hand when I come to Him needy, and lets me rant and rave about everything that doesn't matter. He gently places me on the ground and stands up to show me just how big He is and how small I am.
I am nothing.
He is Lord.
And then, in His majesty, He kneels down to me again, a child, and yet seeks after me to cleanse my heart of the impure motives in coming to Him.
Oh, Ellen, you want something from me? You want an answer, a distinct sign? You desire some tangible product from my bounty, so you come to me with this worshipful facade and expect me to be fooled and find you good enough to give a reward to?
Such a fool. Do you, child, still not understand who I am? Do you not understand grace? You live your life as though you need answers to survive, when really, every question has been answered for eternity through my salvation.
So I sit at the feet of this Great God as a child, humbled and in need of nothing but Him.
I find myself here now. Holding out hope in His Word, that He will speak to me through it. Through prayer, I will simply know my Jesus better, as a relationship that is grown and nurtured through intentional time spent with each other. That blind trust in Him will become more of a reality and I will accept that I don't need answers, I just need Jesus.
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