Its been a while. Hoping to pick this back up, but life's changed a lot in the past few months.
So there are many things in life that I am looking forward to. And there are moments when God seems to give this unbelievable clarity and I realize that the thrill of not knowing anything at all about the future is not something to dread, but something to look forward to. As a process, of sorts.
Yesterday I was able to drive out to Shenandoah National Park, about 1.5 hours west of here. I stopped for Sushi on the way, and had Bebo Norman's 2 coolest songs (in my humble opinion) on repeat: "Nothing Without You," and "To Find my Way to You." It struck me that the simple joy I have now of going out to the mountains and coming to tears over the beauty of my Creator is something that maybe one day, I'll get to share with someone special who marvels at the Lord in the same way. But for now, I get to enjoy this time and spend it as a girl on my own growing closer to her God.
I was talking to Hes yesterday during our morning run in Burke, and I realized (again) just how great she is. I have such a massive amount of respect for her and everything she's accomplished, but she's so down to earth and definitely a good person to just sit and have coffee with. She said that these are the days that are rich, that will become the special times that mold you and will help to grow you up. These are the days you'll never forget. These times in life are growing pains that simply add color to the canvas of your life. (Ok, she didn't say all that; I might have added in a few analogies, but still. That was basically what she said.)
And she's absolutely right. So its crucial to be in the Lord during this time where I'm growing up, to be as alive as I can possibly be and live well.
So emotions be damned. Seriously. They are so incredibly obnoxious b/c they lie to me all the time. There is truth, Ellen. I need to remind myself of this over and over. There is truth and your emotions are the most unfaithful, untrustworthy resources you can use to get by. They are not anchors or rocks; they drift and can't be used to find stability.
I was driving for a long time yesterday. Getting to Skyline Drive took about 50 minutes or so from Manassas (I went straight after signing my NEW LEASE) and drove around for about 2 hours, looking at the mountains. SO much beauty. So rich, so powerful, so breath-taking and stunning. When I was at CNU, I would spend massive amounts of time at the river, watching the sunset or enjoying the day. I would sneak on at night all the time and got caught once or twice. But I had deep, deep times with the Lord there, just sitting quietly and seeking Him through worship and admiration. He would show up, and those moments were real, powerful times when I drew closer to Christ. The "hiding place," so to speak, hasn't really existed for me since I moved to Northern VA. I have missed that time with the Lord desperately, and I feel like yesterday, I got a bit of it back. I've felt like shattered glass, like the pieces of me at too small to put back together to form something useful, but God showed me yesterday and He can take even the dust of the Earth and make a man out of it, so shards of me are nothing He can't repair.
The clouds literally looked like a still life of the ocean, crashing over the rocks. I'm so mad; I made a video of it but the file is too big to upload to the internet. So stupid. But anyway, the clouds were whipping around the mountains like waves, and their crests looked like they were just frozen, floating over the mountains. Then you'd see a clearing and bursts of color were everywhere, then the sun would randomly pop out for a second and stream down through the clouds. It was overcast and I kept waiting for a rainbow, but I didn't see one. I drove past a deer in the middle of the road and took a picture.
I got back around 11 pm last night. Tired, but so excited. The Lord's plans are not my own, and if He can create the views I saw yesterday, who am I to not trust Him with my life?
SO many things I want to say, so I'll just sum them up quickly: I got to read Psalms from this little Gideons Bible I stole from a hotel once and now keep in my purse and got to read this while admiring the Lord's beauty: Psalm 89 - 91. Just read it and try to imagine watching the clouds in the mountains. GAH. So awesome.
Also, this morning I woke up a little off. Started reading Psalm 65 (yes I am on a Psalms kick... just stay with me.) But it says that "Praise awaits you, O God, to you our vows will be fulfilled." So I try to understand what the "vows" part means. And I read in my nifty Biblical commentary that just as one is married to someone on Earth and committed to loving them, being their helpmate and encouraging them, we are committed to praising the Lord. I am committed, as a child of God, to bringing praise to Him, even when I don't feel like it. There, those freaking emotions again. But can you really help it when its something we were originally created to do in the first place? So I fulfill my vows to Christ by praising Him, whatever that may look like. Whether I need to take another Sabbath and just go into the mountains again, or whether its through moving to Manassas, I am committed to that. And in return, the wealth of His promises are mine to claim; even when my emotions tell me otherwise.
So, as previously mentioned, I signed for Manassas yesterday. Really excited. I'll be back on the tennis courts, running those awesome trails back behind the house, and have this nice basement apartment to just hang out and do college ministry. I really do envision it as something where students can just come over, hang out, and feel "away from it all" for a bit.
Funny; I was reading through past blog posts and came across that period in July - November where God started to rip me out of being comfortable. And the journey since then has been really crazy, parts of it painful in having to realize that some things that I thought would make me happy were not in God's plan for life to better glorify Him.... so now they're gone, and its been humbling. But I feel like moving to Manassas is a type of mission work.
Everyone looks at me weird when I tell them where I'll be going, like "Why would you want to leave Arlington?" But really, there's nothing left for me in Arlington except old memories of dreams that were not in the plans to come true. So I might as well go to Manassas; I might as well just follow God with nothing to lose. Its so frustrating, b/c some people have told me that I'll never meet a guy if I move to Manassas. Umm, hello, that's not why I'm moving there in the first place (number one), and number two, if God wants me to meet a guy, He'll set something up. No worries. So yes, world, if I wanted to go out and hit the bar/club scene and get hit on and feel like a piece of meat, don't worry - I'd stay where I was and be in Clarendon or Ballston or Adams Morgan as much as I wanted. But I don't want that. Tangent - sorry that was free.
But I am going to get a dog. And I am going to dye my hair. Contemplating another tattoo, just to get another one. Buying a mountain bike and a bike rack for Kiff. But its all an adventure, and I'm just along for this ride. I never asked for any of this, but if I were still wrapped up in the place I wanted to be a year ago, I would be miserable and useless for Christ.
So I'll remain committed to Him. Here we go.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Medicare & the government
Doctors are seeing a 25% drop in their reimbursement rates from the government to treat Medicare patients. Doctors cannot afford to treat patients for so little reimbursement. Congress passed a measure to move $19 billion from Medicare cuts that would have covered those without insurance back to Medicare to compensate for the Sustainable Growth Rate. The Sustainable Growth Rate is a formula that compensates doctors for the rising costs of healthcare in light of the overall economy. The growth of healthcare costs has lead to Medicare needing to reimburse doctors for more and more money as an incentive to keep treating Medicare patients. The money Congress moved to cover the Medicare costs was originally cut from Medicare and intended to help pay for those who have no health insurance. So despite the government’s best efforts to make us feel cozy with our current medical coverage paid for by citizens’ tax-dollars, there is still the issue that our baby-boomers, who helped fuel the economy that is currently tanking, need to be taken care of with sustainable Medicare. They still need to be covered, and by doctors who do not have to throw up “see you in 6 months” signs at their front doors. So, in an effort to remain in office and popular with the generation with much at stake, legislators and politicians will do what Medicare requires and cover the costs. Grandma won’t have to wait in line and there won’t be “death chambers” with gatekeepers, deciding who lives and who doesn’t. Because lawmakers are doing what they do best: CYA.
So where does this leave the unemployed, the welfare recipient, or the person who assumed he or she would never need to work again because the government covered everything? They are left for the rude awakening (though, it shouldn’t be that rude because after all, America was found on the principal of capitalism: Dirty, dirty capitalism) that their health can’t be left to chance. Low and behold, we find again that the government cannot be entirely trusted, whether you are a baby-boomer who almost had a heart attack worrying that your medical insurance wasn’t going to last, or whether you’re an individual who does not currently have health insurance for whatever reason and you just wanted to try to catch a break with a free government service.
So do yourself a favor, just try. That’s really all anyone can ask of their fellow citizen, right? Try. Please, for the sake of all of us trying to get out of this economic rut, those of us unsure of the future, re-inventing ourselves, making ends meet through whatever means necessary, or whoever you are. Please, for your children who don’t need to grow up thinking the government will always be there to support their best interests. Please try to help yourself any way you can, and give your family the satisfaction of knowing that you, as their leader, didn’t trust in a man or a party that happened to be powerful for 4 years, but in a set of morals that will remain until the end.
So where does this leave the unemployed, the welfare recipient, or the person who assumed he or she would never need to work again because the government covered everything? They are left for the rude awakening (though, it shouldn’t be that rude because after all, America was found on the principal of capitalism: Dirty, dirty capitalism) that their health can’t be left to chance. Low and behold, we find again that the government cannot be entirely trusted, whether you are a baby-boomer who almost had a heart attack worrying that your medical insurance wasn’t going to last, or whether you’re an individual who does not currently have health insurance for whatever reason and you just wanted to try to catch a break with a free government service.
So do yourself a favor, just try. That’s really all anyone can ask of their fellow citizen, right? Try. Please, for the sake of all of us trying to get out of this economic rut, those of us unsure of the future, re-inventing ourselves, making ends meet through whatever means necessary, or whoever you are. Please, for your children who don’t need to grow up thinking the government will always be there to support their best interests. Please try to help yourself any way you can, and give your family the satisfaction of knowing that you, as their leader, didn’t trust in a man or a party that happened to be powerful for 4 years, but in a set of morals that will remain until the end.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Babylon
I'm trying to reconcile the two. Let me describe last night. I went to Revelation, and everything Brandon preached on, everything, had to do with what I'm dealing with as a young professional.
Everyone is telling me to think about the next big step; what would be the best career choice for you given your talents? What can you choose that is most lucrative? What can you pick that will position you to best "move up the ladder?" What type of life do you want for yourself, Ellen? And last night, all I heard was Babylon, the city of demons. And I don't know exactly where that is or how Babylon is going to be destroyed, but I know that those who follow their own selfish ambitions are lost in the fray and miss the plans of the Lord.
I don't want to miss Jesus, above all else.
I don't want to value my car or my townhouse or my job or my boyfriend more than I value Jesus Christ. And everything around me is telling me to create my own future. Be better than the other guy. Scout out the competition and beat it out. And be the best. Never be satisfied with what you have, always want more. And though I'm not a proponent of "settling," I think there's an element to the American Dream that is completely wrong. The "be-the-best-on-your-own" merit goes against the humility and gratitude preached in the Bible. The mentality that one can never have enough, and is always seeking after the next biggest version of material weatlh is wrong. All that wealth will be destroyed, whether its obtained for good, unselfish motivations or not.
I am not trying to tote the message of self-righteousness. But I got caught up in this world of Masters' degrees and wanting something more for myself, and holding on to the possibility that maybe I could have worldly success and Jesus on the side, and I came to the conclusion that I can't. So I need to get to the point where I can say I want Jesus more than anything else. And this is where I become so confused.
Because let me describe my Babylon. Its a world where I give in to all types of temptations and let the rest of my world think I'm living this godly life. I come home, devote some time to the Revelation ministry and have something cool to pad my resume as far as community service goes, and keep going with a masters. Maybe public policy, maybe organization management, maybe project management, but its something that someone has said to me that i should pursue because it'll make me successful. And a husband and family can be the icing on the cake, you know? The hot
commodity that vies for first place among my affections with my career. And maybe I'll fail, but if I succeed? My gosh, I'll be the epitome of independence; I'll be able to say it was all on my own merit, that I didn't get help from anyone (though that, of course, would be a lie) and I'd have all this success that could be placed on a gravestone at the end of the day, ready to burn. I'll have lived a "good" life, then it will be over. And my family will not have been first; I would be a crippled vessel that Jesus might have tried to use but could never plow through the miles of "success" that clouded my view. I'd be useless. The demons would have crippled me as they do in the Screwtape letters, and I won't be able to fulfill the life Jesus had in store for me.
My conundrum is my plans vs. Jesus. I think there's still a huge part of me that's trying to reconcile the calling of God with my boyfriend. I want God to fit both into my life conveniently over the next year and a half so I can get this missions thing out of my system, as if its something that only lasts for a little while, and be ready to anything else, too. Or maybe, if I'm brutally honest, I'm so bored that I'll do anything to occupy myself, even if it means taking off to some foreign country and teaching English and getting a certification that would yet allow me to have a convenient career.
Can I do both? Can I serve both God and myself? Not at all.
Everyone is telling me to think about the next big step; what would be the best career choice for you given your talents? What can you choose that is most lucrative? What can you pick that will position you to best "move up the ladder?" What type of life do you want for yourself, Ellen? And last night, all I heard was Babylon, the city of demons. And I don't know exactly where that is or how Babylon is going to be destroyed, but I know that those who follow their own selfish ambitions are lost in the fray and miss the plans of the Lord.
I don't want to miss Jesus, above all else.
I don't want to value my car or my townhouse or my job or my boyfriend more than I value Jesus Christ. And everything around me is telling me to create my own future. Be better than the other guy. Scout out the competition and beat it out. And be the best. Never be satisfied with what you have, always want more. And though I'm not a proponent of "settling," I think there's an element to the American Dream that is completely wrong. The "be-the-best-on-your-own" merit goes against the humility and gratitude preached in the Bible. The mentality that one can never have enough, and is always seeking after the next biggest version of material weatlh is wrong. All that wealth will be destroyed, whether its obtained for good, unselfish motivations or not.
I am not trying to tote the message of self-righteousness. But I got caught up in this world of Masters' degrees and wanting something more for myself, and holding on to the possibility that maybe I could have worldly success and Jesus on the side, and I came to the conclusion that I can't. So I need to get to the point where I can say I want Jesus more than anything else. And this is where I become so confused.
Because let me describe my Babylon. Its a world where I give in to all types of temptations and let the rest of my world think I'm living this godly life. I come home, devote some time to the Revelation ministry and have something cool to pad my resume as far as community service goes, and keep going with a masters. Maybe public policy, maybe organization management, maybe project management, but its something that someone has said to me that i should pursue because it'll make me successful. And a husband and family can be the icing on the cake, you know? The hot
commodity that vies for first place among my affections with my career. And maybe I'll fail, but if I succeed? My gosh, I'll be the epitome of independence; I'll be able to say it was all on my own merit, that I didn't get help from anyone (though that, of course, would be a lie) and I'd have all this success that could be placed on a gravestone at the end of the day, ready to burn. I'll have lived a "good" life, then it will be over. And my family will not have been first; I would be a crippled vessel that Jesus might have tried to use but could never plow through the miles of "success" that clouded my view. I'd be useless. The demons would have crippled me as they do in the Screwtape letters, and I won't be able to fulfill the life Jesus had in store for me.
My conundrum is my plans vs. Jesus. I think there's still a huge part of me that's trying to reconcile the calling of God with my boyfriend. I want God to fit both into my life conveniently over the next year and a half so I can get this missions thing out of my system, as if its something that only lasts for a little while, and be ready to anything else, too. Or maybe, if I'm brutally honest, I'm so bored that I'll do anything to occupy myself, even if it means taking off to some foreign country and teaching English and getting a certification that would yet allow me to have a convenient career.
Can I do both? Can I serve both God and myself? Not at all.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Spiritual Gifts Test
So, Top 3:
1. Poverty (voluntary)
Poverty (voluntary) - The special ability God gives to some to purposely live an impoverished lifestyle to serve and aid others with their material resources.
The special ability that God gives to some members of the body of Christ to renounce material comfort and luxury and adopt a personal lifestyle equivalent to those living at the poverty level in a given society in order to serve God more effectively.
People with this gift:
- will often choose to live among people who are considered poverty-stricken
- live at a poverty level although they have the means to live at a higher standard
- choose this lifestyle in order to minister more effectively to people through identification.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
2 Corinthians 8:9
Acts 2:44-45
Acts 4:32-35
2. Mercy / Compassion
Mercy / Compassion (Serving Gift) - The special gift whereby the Spirit enables certain Christians to feel exceptional empathy and compassion for those who are suffering (physically, mentally, or emotionally) so as to feel genuine sympathy for their misery, speaking words of compassion, but more so caring for them with acts of love that help alleviate their distress.
The divine enablement to cheerfully and practically help those who are suffering or are in need by putting compassion into action.
People with this gift:
- focus upon alleviating the sources of pain or discomfort in suffering people
- address the needs of the lonely and forgotten
- express love, grace, and dignity to those facing hardships and crisis
- serve in difficult or unsightly circumstances and do so cheerfully
- concern themselves with individual or social issues that oppress people.
Romans 12:6-8
Luke 7:12-15
Luke 10:30-37
Matthew 20:29-34
Matthew 25:34-40
Mark 9:41
Matthew 5:7
3. Helps / Serving
Helps / Serving (Serving Gift) - The gift that enables a believer to work gladly behind the scenes in order that God's work is fulfilled. The special ability God gives to some to serve the church in a supporting roll or to invest their talents in the life and ministry of other members of the body enabling them to increase their effectiveness.
The divine enablement to accomplish practical and necessary tasks which free-up, support, and meet the needs of others.
People with this gift:
- serve behind the scenes whenever needed to support the gifts and ministries of others (without having to be asked)
- see the tangible and practical things to be done and enjoy doing them
- sense God's purpose and pleasure in meeting every day responsibilities
- attach spiritual value to practical service
- enjoy knowing that they are freeing up others to do what God has called them to do.
- would rather do a job than find someone else to do it.
1 Corinthians 12:28-31
Romans 16:1-2
Acts 9:36
Mark 15:40-41
Galatians 6:2
Romans 12:6-8
1 Peter 4:11
Philippians 2:19-23
Luke 22:24-27
John 13:14
1. Poverty (voluntary)
Poverty (voluntary) - The special ability God gives to some to purposely live an impoverished lifestyle to serve and aid others with their material resources.
The special ability that God gives to some members of the body of Christ to renounce material comfort and luxury and adopt a personal lifestyle equivalent to those living at the poverty level in a given society in order to serve God more effectively.
People with this gift:
- will often choose to live among people who are considered poverty-stricken
- live at a poverty level although they have the means to live at a higher standard
- choose this lifestyle in order to minister more effectively to people through identification.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
2 Corinthians 8:9
Acts 2:44-45
Acts 4:32-35
2. Mercy / Compassion
Mercy / Compassion (Serving Gift) - The special gift whereby the Spirit enables certain Christians to feel exceptional empathy and compassion for those who are suffering (physically, mentally, or emotionally) so as to feel genuine sympathy for their misery, speaking words of compassion, but more so caring for them with acts of love that help alleviate their distress.
The divine enablement to cheerfully and practically help those who are suffering or are in need by putting compassion into action.
People with this gift:
- focus upon alleviating the sources of pain or discomfort in suffering people
- address the needs of the lonely and forgotten
- express love, grace, and dignity to those facing hardships and crisis
- serve in difficult or unsightly circumstances and do so cheerfully
- concern themselves with individual or social issues that oppress people.
Romans 12:6-8
Luke 7:12-15
Luke 10:30-37
Matthew 20:29-34
Matthew 25:34-40
Mark 9:41
Matthew 5:7
3. Helps / Serving
Helps / Serving (Serving Gift) - The gift that enables a believer to work gladly behind the scenes in order that God's work is fulfilled. The special ability God gives to some to serve the church in a supporting roll or to invest their talents in the life and ministry of other members of the body enabling them to increase their effectiveness.
The divine enablement to accomplish practical and necessary tasks which free-up, support, and meet the needs of others.
People with this gift:
- serve behind the scenes whenever needed to support the gifts and ministries of others (without having to be asked)
- see the tangible and practical things to be done and enjoy doing them
- sense God's purpose and pleasure in meeting every day responsibilities
- attach spiritual value to practical service
- enjoy knowing that they are freeing up others to do what God has called them to do.
- would rather do a job than find someone else to do it.
1 Corinthians 12:28-31
Romans 16:1-2
Acts 9:36
Mark 15:40-41
Galatians 6:2
Romans 12:6-8
1 Peter 4:11
Philippians 2:19-23
Luke 22:24-27
John 13:14
Freedom
I want to always remember today. Like a song in my head that brings back pleasant memories every time I sing it.
Today in church, there was something about the message that made me want to be that Christ-follower, made me want to live for Jesus boldly. Cling to Him and trust Him like He's the only thing that makes my life worth it. And at the end of the sermon, Brandon asked us to close our eyes and inquire whether or not God was calling us to the mission field. So I did. And I felt like a niave child, asking her dad if she could run around in the woods, completely unaware that it was filled with wolves. But I do know. And I still asked my Lord and He said "yes." So when I wanted to go to India after graduation, that wasn't a fluke, only now He's given me a church that confirmed it, and a job where I can save for it and get out of debt while I'm waiting. Ha, and maybe its not India, maybe its a mission field right around the corner with the college ministry.
So I cried when i drove home, because all the desires that have been ingrained in my soul, planted in my DNA have grown into this. Wanting to be a missionary as a kid, reading about the nations as a child, and praying for a different country every night. God grew me into this. I was created for this purpose. I was created to serve a God in ways that I can't imagine on my own. And I know they do not involve the corporate world, the "American Dream," or anything else that chases success and tries to place God on the side. I find it harder and harder to buy into that lifestyle. There's never been a part of me that cared so much about money, but being here in Northern Virginia and realizing I don't want a porch, or a huge house that I have to decorate, or the social pressure of planning parties to impress people I hardly know, or the knowledge that I have to carve away parts of myself to get ahead and succeed.
God created me to be an incredibly sensitive person. I try not to show it, but I feel so much. I take a lot of things more personally than I should. I empathize easily. I trust easily. I am not that smart. I know no foreign languages, and there are times when I have to review a concept over and over before I understand. I have no missionary training and hardly any experience. I zone out sometimes and miss instructions.
But I break over Jesus Christ. I am passionate and in love with the sweet gospel that saved me when I could literally do nothing to save myself. I know that Jesus Christ saved sinners like me and has plans for me that glorify Him. I know that He is calling me to the mission field and will provide a way.
The day. Right. So I'm driving to lunch with Brandon and Dave Melander, and on the way, all these things are going through my head about being a missionary, but through it all, I have this unbelievable peace. Like when you go to the doctor and he tells you to lower your cholesterol and you realize you have to change a lot of things about your diet and exercise habits but in the end, you'll go back and the doctor will smile proudly and say "well done, you're healthier!" And God is the Great Physician, and on that car ride to Ruby Tuesday, He's in the car with me again, like He was so many times before when I desperately needed to talk to Him, and told me that He's proud of me. "I know this won't be easy. I know people will probably look at you funny but this is for my glory and the plans in your life are strictly so I can bring glory to myself. So you are doing the right thing and in the end, it will all be worth it."
But God is more important than a relationship, my life in Northern Virginia, my "career," my desire to get a masters, and any other plans I may have for the next few years, God's call trumps them.
I came home and wrote a letter to my parents. The new testament church picked up and left all the time to go spread the gospel. I am so happy right now, so peaceful. Like this thought, this plan, these ideas are why God made me the planner and dreamer that I am. This is why. Jesus loves unconditionally and fulfills like we didn't know we even needed satisfaction. But oh, how we do. How I long to be satisfied in my Savior. How I desire more than any love, to love my Father in Heaven first and live for Him. My Savior gives me the strength every day to murder my old self. To slash, stab, whip, and crucify brutally the grip of sin that causes Ellen to be less than I was created to be. HE wants better for me because the only reason I am allowed to live right now is to bring Him glory. I am alive because God isn't through glorifying Himself through my life yet. And my life has so far to go.
I'm so excited about clinging to Jesus. I'm so excited that I've given my time over to Him and the struggle of holding onto it seems so unimportant. I'm glad to learn from people who've gone before, who are wise and whom I can invest in their thoughts.
I'm glad there's more than this American Dream.
I'm thankful for the cross, for the testimony He's given me. I'm thankful for the JDMS and Community Connections, for Emmanuel Baptist Church. Im thankful for a family that raised me to pray for the nations. I can't wait to raise my children that way; to live without the strains of the world's expectations with a husband who loves the Lord more than me, with a child that I can pray for every night like my Dad prayed for my sisters and I. I want to trust God with my husband, knowing He's all we have. I want to live fearlessly, desperately in love with Jesus. Maybe I wasn't created to be married. That's ok. Maybe I'll be single and be a missionary for the rest of my life. All I know is this sweet peace, that there's nothing else to prove. That Jesus called me to this and I have every intention of seeking it until it's time to go.
One more thing. I thought about death today. Quite a bit, actually. It's striking to think that the only reason I'm breathing is because the potential still exists for my life to glorify God. Its stunning that I could die and be with Jesus in the next moment. I am not scared of death. There are times when I wouldn't mind dying, just to be in Heaven and away from Earth. Not suicide by any means, but to be with Jesus. He is worth it. This calling is worth it. And the there's no part of me that feels fear.
Today in church, there was something about the message that made me want to be that Christ-follower, made me want to live for Jesus boldly. Cling to Him and trust Him like He's the only thing that makes my life worth it. And at the end of the sermon, Brandon asked us to close our eyes and inquire whether or not God was calling us to the mission field. So I did. And I felt like a niave child, asking her dad if she could run around in the woods, completely unaware that it was filled with wolves. But I do know. And I still asked my Lord and He said "yes." So when I wanted to go to India after graduation, that wasn't a fluke, only now He's given me a church that confirmed it, and a job where I can save for it and get out of debt while I'm waiting. Ha, and maybe its not India, maybe its a mission field right around the corner with the college ministry.
So I cried when i drove home, because all the desires that have been ingrained in my soul, planted in my DNA have grown into this. Wanting to be a missionary as a kid, reading about the nations as a child, and praying for a different country every night. God grew me into this. I was created for this purpose. I was created to serve a God in ways that I can't imagine on my own. And I know they do not involve the corporate world, the "American Dream," or anything else that chases success and tries to place God on the side. I find it harder and harder to buy into that lifestyle. There's never been a part of me that cared so much about money, but being here in Northern Virginia and realizing I don't want a porch, or a huge house that I have to decorate, or the social pressure of planning parties to impress people I hardly know, or the knowledge that I have to carve away parts of myself to get ahead and succeed.
God created me to be an incredibly sensitive person. I try not to show it, but I feel so much. I take a lot of things more personally than I should. I empathize easily. I trust easily. I am not that smart. I know no foreign languages, and there are times when I have to review a concept over and over before I understand. I have no missionary training and hardly any experience. I zone out sometimes and miss instructions.
But I break over Jesus Christ. I am passionate and in love with the sweet gospel that saved me when I could literally do nothing to save myself. I know that Jesus Christ saved sinners like me and has plans for me that glorify Him. I know that He is calling me to the mission field and will provide a way.
The day. Right. So I'm driving to lunch with Brandon and Dave Melander, and on the way, all these things are going through my head about being a missionary, but through it all, I have this unbelievable peace. Like when you go to the doctor and he tells you to lower your cholesterol and you realize you have to change a lot of things about your diet and exercise habits but in the end, you'll go back and the doctor will smile proudly and say "well done, you're healthier!" And God is the Great Physician, and on that car ride to Ruby Tuesday, He's in the car with me again, like He was so many times before when I desperately needed to talk to Him, and told me that He's proud of me. "I know this won't be easy. I know people will probably look at you funny but this is for my glory and the plans in your life are strictly so I can bring glory to myself. So you are doing the right thing and in the end, it will all be worth it."
But God is more important than a relationship, my life in Northern Virginia, my "career," my desire to get a masters, and any other plans I may have for the next few years, God's call trumps them.
I came home and wrote a letter to my parents. The new testament church picked up and left all the time to go spread the gospel. I am so happy right now, so peaceful. Like this thought, this plan, these ideas are why God made me the planner and dreamer that I am. This is why. Jesus loves unconditionally and fulfills like we didn't know we even needed satisfaction. But oh, how we do. How I long to be satisfied in my Savior. How I desire more than any love, to love my Father in Heaven first and live for Him. My Savior gives me the strength every day to murder my old self. To slash, stab, whip, and crucify brutally the grip of sin that causes Ellen to be less than I was created to be. HE wants better for me because the only reason I am allowed to live right now is to bring Him glory. I am alive because God isn't through glorifying Himself through my life yet. And my life has so far to go.
I'm so excited about clinging to Jesus. I'm so excited that I've given my time over to Him and the struggle of holding onto it seems so unimportant. I'm glad to learn from people who've gone before, who are wise and whom I can invest in their thoughts.
I'm glad there's more than this American Dream.
I'm thankful for the cross, for the testimony He's given me. I'm thankful for the JDMS and Community Connections, for Emmanuel Baptist Church. Im thankful for a family that raised me to pray for the nations. I can't wait to raise my children that way; to live without the strains of the world's expectations with a husband who loves the Lord more than me, with a child that I can pray for every night like my Dad prayed for my sisters and I. I want to trust God with my husband, knowing He's all we have. I want to live fearlessly, desperately in love with Jesus. Maybe I wasn't created to be married. That's ok. Maybe I'll be single and be a missionary for the rest of my life. All I know is this sweet peace, that there's nothing else to prove. That Jesus called me to this and I have every intention of seeking it until it's time to go.
One more thing. I thought about death today. Quite a bit, actually. It's striking to think that the only reason I'm breathing is because the potential still exists for my life to glorify God. Its stunning that I could die and be with Jesus in the next moment. I am not scared of death. There are times when I wouldn't mind dying, just to be in Heaven and away from Earth. Not suicide by any means, but to be with Jesus. He is worth it. This calling is worth it. And the there's no part of me that feels fear.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Awesome Day
I'm so tired.
Its 1 am but today was the best kind of day.
I woke up to nothing planned and came home to my neighbors (the guys' house on the corner) chanting "birthday sex!" But not to me, luckily.
Made pumpkin bread from a homemade pumpkin recipe from real pumpkins I bought today. Note to self - fall in Northern Virginia is stunning.
Paid rent. Caught up on all bills.
Hung out with Corinn David. Wonderful, sweet Corinn David. She is probably close to perfect.
DC lights. Charles and Mark. RS8s. or RX8s. Whatever.
Fuddruckers. Caps lose, but DC is electric nonetheless.
Starbucks. Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Wonderful stories about Europe while waiting 30 minutes (yes DC, your transportation sucks) for the metro.
WWII Memorial.
Washington Monument.
Air Force One. Whatup Mr. President.
Missing Home. Always.
Its 1 am but today was the best kind of day.
I woke up to nothing planned and came home to my neighbors (the guys' house on the corner) chanting "birthday sex!" But not to me, luckily.
Made pumpkin bread from a homemade pumpkin recipe from real pumpkins I bought today. Note to self - fall in Northern Virginia is stunning.
Paid rent. Caught up on all bills.
Hung out with Corinn David. Wonderful, sweet Corinn David. She is probably close to perfect.
DC lights. Charles and Mark. RS8s. or RX8s. Whatever.
Fuddruckers. Caps lose, but DC is electric nonetheless.
Starbucks. Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Wonderful stories about Europe while waiting 30 minutes (yes DC, your transportation sucks) for the metro.
WWII Memorial.
Washington Monument.
Air Force One. Whatup Mr. President.
Missing Home. Always.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
"How is it you walk in those heels?"
So I get on the elevator this morning. Still sleepy, but still got here on time. There's a woman who's got dyed blonde hair and the wrinkles on her face don't match up with the chic outfit. And there's a smiling Asian man, going gray, happy, smiling to himself. She's trying to be something she's not and he's embracing everything he is. I'm watching their transaction and I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle, trying so hard to cling to who I am now and not transition into someone who tricks herself into existing as a different person.
The Asian man is grinning and she gives him an acknowledgment smile. Its forced, like she's trying to flick an ant off her diet drink. He doesn't notice, and if he notices, he doesn't seem to care.
"How is it you walk in those heels?" What an innocent question. What a kind person. She doesn't even make eye contact, doesn't even turn around to almost make eye contact, she just stares at the elevator doors, willing them to open as she answers as quickly as possible: "Just do."
"Oh. Ahhaha. Well." His stop arrives. "Have a nice day." He looks at me too. In the eye. "You too!" I reply, probably too enthusiastically. She just fake-smiles again. I want to slug her.
But then its my stop and I get off, fake-smile at her, and go on about my day.
The Asian man is grinning and she gives him an acknowledgment smile. Its forced, like she's trying to flick an ant off her diet drink. He doesn't notice, and if he notices, he doesn't seem to care.
"How is it you walk in those heels?" What an innocent question. What a kind person. She doesn't even make eye contact, doesn't even turn around to almost make eye contact, she just stares at the elevator doors, willing them to open as she answers as quickly as possible: "Just do."
"Oh. Ahhaha. Well." His stop arrives. "Have a nice day." He looks at me too. In the eye. "You too!" I reply, probably too enthusiastically. She just fake-smiles again. I want to slug her.
But then its my stop and I get off, fake-smile at her, and go on about my day.
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