Freedom

I want to always remember today. Like a song in my head that brings back pleasant memories every time I sing it.

Today in church, there was something about the message that made me want to be that Christ-follower, made me want to live for Jesus boldly. Cling to Him and trust Him like He's the only thing that makes my life worth it. And at the end of the sermon, Brandon asked us to close our eyes and inquire whether or not God was calling us to the mission field. So I did. And I felt like a niave child, asking her dad if she could run around in the woods, completely unaware that it was filled with wolves. But I do know. And I still asked my Lord and He said "yes." So when I wanted to go to India after graduation, that wasn't a fluke, only now He's given me a church that confirmed it, and a job where I can save for it and get out of debt while I'm waiting. Ha, and maybe its not India, maybe its a mission field right around the corner with the college ministry.

So I cried when i drove home, because all the desires that have been ingrained in my soul, planted in my DNA have grown into this. Wanting to be a missionary as a kid, reading about the nations as a child, and praying for a different country every night. God grew me into this. I was created for this purpose. I was created to serve a God in ways that I can't imagine on my own. And I know they do not involve the corporate world, the "American Dream," or anything else that chases success and tries to place God on the side. I find it harder and harder to buy into that lifestyle. There's never been a part of me that cared so much about money, but being here in Northern Virginia and realizing I don't want a porch, or a huge house that I have to decorate, or the social pressure of planning parties to impress people I hardly know, or the knowledge that I have to carve away parts of myself to get ahead and succeed.

God created me to be an incredibly sensitive person. I try not to show it, but I feel so much. I take a lot of things more personally than I should. I empathize easily. I trust easily. I am not that smart. I know no foreign languages, and there are times when I have to review a concept over and over before I understand. I have no missionary training and hardly any experience. I zone out sometimes and miss instructions.

But I break over Jesus Christ. I am passionate and in love with the sweet gospel that saved me when I could literally do nothing to save myself. I know that Jesus Christ saved sinners like me and has plans for me that glorify Him. I know that He is calling me to the mission field and will provide a way.

The day. Right. So I'm driving to lunch with Brandon and Dave Melander, and on the way, all these things are going through my head about being a missionary, but through it all, I have this unbelievable peace. Like when you go to the doctor and he tells you to lower your cholesterol and you realize you have to change a lot of things about your diet and exercise habits but in the end, you'll go back and the doctor will smile proudly and say "well done, you're healthier!" And God is the Great Physician, and on that car ride to Ruby Tuesday, He's in the car with me again, like He was so many times before when I desperately needed to talk to Him, and told me that He's proud of me. "I know this won't be easy. I know people will probably look at you funny but this is for my glory and the plans in your life are strictly so I can bring glory to myself. So you are doing the right thing and in the end, it will all be worth it."


But God is more important than a relationship, my life in Northern Virginia, my "career," my desire to get a masters, and any other plans I may have for the next few years, God's call trumps them.

I came home and wrote a letter to my parents. The new testament church picked up and left all the time to go spread the gospel. I am so happy right now, so peaceful. Like this thought, this plan, these ideas are why God made me the planner and dreamer that I am. This is why. Jesus loves unconditionally and fulfills like we didn't know we even needed satisfaction. But oh, how we do. How I long to be satisfied in my Savior. How I desire more than any love, to love my Father in Heaven first and live for Him. My Savior gives me the strength every day to murder my old self. To slash, stab, whip, and crucify brutally the grip of sin that causes Ellen to be less than I was created to be. HE wants better for me because the only reason I am allowed to live right now is to bring Him glory. I am alive because God isn't through glorifying Himself through my life yet. And my life has so far to go.

I'm so excited about clinging to Jesus. I'm so excited that I've given my time over to Him and the struggle of holding onto it seems so unimportant. I'm glad to learn from people who've gone before, who are wise and whom I can invest in their thoughts.

I'm glad there's more than this American Dream.

I'm thankful for the cross, for the testimony He's given me. I'm thankful for the JDMS and Community Connections, for Emmanuel Baptist Church. Im thankful for a family that raised me to pray for the nations. I can't wait to raise my children that way; to live without the strains of the world's expectations with a husband who loves the Lord more than me, with a child that I can pray for every night like my Dad prayed for my sisters and I. I want to trust God with my husband, knowing He's all we have. I want to live fearlessly, desperately in love with Jesus. Maybe I wasn't created to be married. That's ok. Maybe I'll be single and be a missionary for the rest of my life. All I know is this sweet peace, that there's nothing else to prove. That Jesus called me to this and I have every intention of seeking it until it's time to go.

One more thing. I thought about death today. Quite a bit, actually. It's striking to think that the only reason I'm breathing is because the potential still exists for my life to glorify God. Its stunning that I could die and be with Jesus in the next moment. I am not scared of death. There are times when I wouldn't mind dying, just to be in Heaven and away from Earth. Not suicide by any means, but to be with Jesus. He is worth it. This calling is worth it. And the there's no part of me that feels fear.

Awesome Day

I'm so tired.

Its 1 am but today was the best kind of day.

I woke up to nothing planned and came home to my neighbors (the guys' house on the corner) chanting "birthday sex!" But not to me, luckily.

Made pumpkin bread from a homemade pumpkin recipe from real pumpkins I bought today. Note to self - fall in Northern Virginia is stunning.

Paid rent. Caught up on all bills.

Hung out with Corinn David. Wonderful, sweet Corinn David. She is probably close to perfect.

DC lights. Charles and Mark. RS8s. or RX8s. Whatever.

Fuddruckers. Caps lose, but DC is electric nonetheless.

Starbucks. Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Wonderful stories about Europe while waiting 30 minutes (yes DC, your transportation sucks) for the metro.

WWII Memorial.

Washington Monument.

Air Force One. Whatup Mr. President.

Missing Home. Always.

"How is it you walk in those heels?"

So I get on the elevator this morning. Still sleepy, but still got here on time. There's a woman who's got dyed blonde hair and the wrinkles on her face don't match up with the chic outfit. And there's a smiling Asian man, going gray, happy, smiling to himself. She's trying to be something she's not and he's embracing everything he is. I'm watching their transaction and I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle, trying so hard to cling to who I am now and not transition into someone who tricks herself into existing as a different person.

The Asian man is grinning and she gives him an acknowledgment smile. Its forced, like she's trying to flick an ant off her diet drink. He doesn't notice, and if he notices, he doesn't seem to care.

"How is it you walk in those heels?" What an innocent question. What a kind person. She doesn't even make eye contact, doesn't even turn around to almost make eye contact, she just stares at the elevator doors, willing them to open as she answers as quickly as possible: "Just do."

"Oh. Ahhaha. Well." His stop arrives. "Have a nice day." He looks at me too. In the eye. "You too!" I reply, probably too enthusiastically. She just fake-smiles again. I want to slug her.

But then its my stop and I get off, fake-smile at her, and go on about my day.

Side notes

I was just described as "105 lb-Ellen."

I am currently writing a statement from Tom to Governor McDonnell. Realizing I have a whole new appreciation for SpellCheck.

Last night, I randomly remembered that I was Ginger Spice for Halloween last year. That won't be happening this year. Need to find a good Halloween costume.

Today I got a new chair. The first chair, though it was comfortable, didn't have arms. This chair has arms, but isn't nearly as comfortable. Dave just walked in and I told him to be careful about the chair-buttons, b/c I've heard they randomly flip you around and may cause contortion. He responds with "Maybe I like punishment." Weird. If there's one thing I can't complain about back at Community Connections, it was the fact that I had a nice chair. It was comfortable, and it had arms, and I'm sure they didn't pay more than $20 for it. Too bad I was too depressed at the time to notice.

Sleepy I am.

I finished the draft statement. My boss is adamant about putting a statement through to the governor, and as seemingly unpopular or alone in this he seems to be, he's still going to do it. And I really admire that about him, seems to be an attribute of a real leader. I feel badly that no one, especially the Congressional contacts, have gotten back to him. I wonder why that is. Probably because in their supporting a statement that re-vamps the workplace, people will have to commit to spending money. And spending money is something that no one likes to do right now. It's quite unpopular, even if you're funding programs that will give you a solid Return on Investment later on down the road.

The way I see it, if Va's lacking the technical skills to push forward with a successful workforce, then the small business leaders need to step up and say "Not only will it benefit us, but it will benefit you as well. Not only will our workforce expand beyond 4-year liberal arts background that produce philosophical dummies (such as myself), but we won't have to depend so much on temp agencies. We can hire the workers here in our home state, and help the workforce develop here rather than go outside of Va to meet workforce needs." And those needs are the STEM skills. The science and technology and engineering and math skills that are always the hard classes, always the first to go once you've met those core requirements. I wish more than anything that I had a math mind, that I could look at a math problem and figure out the answer.

Unfortunately my head is filled with theories that I don't get to use right now; I'd rather replace those theories with useful skills I could learn. I can re-invent myself. There are times when I feel like I have to; I can't stay here in a scheduler position forever.

Don't Worry, Baby.

I'm trying so hard not to be snappy with people. Dad told me he had a prostate exam and might have to have surgery, as the doctors aren't sure whether or not its benign. I can't really imagine anything happening to my dad, and its not easy to just think of this as a routine procedure, like I'm trying to psyche myself into doing. There are times when I want to be home again, safe in the confines of my childhood house with my parents there the way they always have been and I don't have to worry about anything; its all taken care of. Then I wake up to this area called Northern Virginia and I realize that my parents and sisters are somewhere else and their lives don't necessarily include me anymore and I'm here in this waiting room. Waiting for something, though I don't know what it is. I'm waiting for my life to actually start happening, because right now, I feel like I don't have time for anything, to call my parents or actually roast the pumpkin seeds that remind me so much of home. I can chat with my dad in the morning and he tells me not to worry and he's going to be fine because he has my mom and my sisters and I and yet I'm so far away. My time is consumed by work and church, and I wonder what I'm letting slip as I'm grasping onto so much right now.

So Jesus, You know my heart. It's spoiled rotten and so selfish, yet You redeemed it and gave me something better: forgiveness and eternal life I don't deserve. And to say You are "Lord" means to say You own everything in my life, from my job to my house and money to my family to my relationships. And I have to believe that if You set me on Earth to bring You glory, then Lord, Your plans are the best for me. Even if those plans cause me to fear the unknown. You have the power to draw people unto Yourself, and during this time, You're drawing me closer. In having to trust You, Lord, I'm learning that it's useless to be angry with you. You own me. You own my dad and his health. So I trust You with him. God, I don't think there's ever been a daughter who loved and admired her dad as much as I love and admire mine. But You know that. God, You have sat with me and love me more than Dad could, and You've comforted me more than he ever can. So I am asking, if its Your will, that You would make him well. That this would simply be a scare and nothing else. But Lord, if its not, than just hold us all as only You can. I have no right to go to the Owner and Creator of the universe and give You my agenda in place of what You already have planned, so God, please let Your will be done and please keep my dad and family in Your hand. You are all that matters in this life, and the material things of the world are nothing compared to the grace and love flowing from Jesus' blood. Thank You for that blood. Thank You for Your works, as they're great and marvelous. God, whatever happens is of You, and Your works, from creating the universe to destroying it, are great and marvelous. That, in my humanity, is really hard to say, but with my life God, I believe it to be true. Thank You for the love and forgiveness I don't deserve. Thank You that You have plans for my life, works that are great and marvelous that bring You glory, just as the creation of the world brings You glory. Who am I? Lord, I give You my dad, and trust you. I love you my Jesus, my Savior, my Best Friend, my God.

Life in the Fall

Last night, I carved a pumpkin. This sounds strange, but the vibrancy of the orange made me so happy, like there's something about that color that makes like better.

I was driving down Fairfax County Parkway the other day and the color of the leaves was mezmorizing. I do love this place. I love the outdoors around here, and that fall actually happens; it doesn't go from summer to winter. Fall is beautiful, and there's nothing I enjoy more than colors. I should've been an interior decorator or something. Somthing that would've given me a few more useful life skills than a degree in political science. Though I am so thankful... And I digress.

I carved a face in the pumpkin and it looks goofy, like a child carved it. I cut one of the teeth too thin in the smile and and it fell off. I saved all the seeds; I plan to roast them and eat them for a snack until they're all gone. Reminds me of home, and all the things my mom used to do with the pumpkins we'd carve. I wonder if I'll do those things with my kids. If I'll make home-made pumpkin pie or roast pumpkin seeds or carve faces and paint them and dress them up and take them trick-or-treating. I wonder if I'll be so corporately calloused by the time I have kids that I don't remember how to be a good mother. Ugh. Digressing again.

I named my pumpkin "Kramer," because it looks to ridiculous and the only ridiculous thing that came to mind at 11 pm was Kramer from "Seinfeld." So Kramer the pumpkin is sitting at home, alone, while I'm off blogging about him.

The Valley

I haven't written in the past few weeks for several reasons. I've been depressed; lost over 10 pounds. I have felt like a complete failure in every way and a lot of my clients hit the fan with certain things: Ms. Walker thought I was involved in a shooting in her neighborhood. Ms. Cynthia had another PCP trip and she and her mother literally screamed at each other; her mother told her she wished she'd had an abortion and Cynthia was nothing. Worthless. And I'm there in the apartment and start crying myself. Also worthless. Ms. Dudley needs a lot of rental assistance and cussed me out because she lied on a benevolence application from this church and got denied money. Ms. Brown's CRF director wants her to have a completely new doctor and medical evaluation when really, the woman's a lazy, sometimes cruel person who refuses to help herself. Tarsha Smith's out of food. Rose Shaw's son is stealing money from her and she needs a new payee. Lisa Ruth has to have supervised visits with her daughter and guess who gets to go with her? Oh, and add to that my paperwork has sucked, SUCKED lately and I have felt like I can't do anything right. I've gotten lectures about memorizing my clients NOW, knowing everything about the SSA system NOW, CFSA NOW, court hearings, appeals, food stamps, crisis beds, hospitalizations, authorizations for disclosure of health information, referrals, background checks, probation officers, TANF, SSDI qualifications... the list goes on and on and I've been too overwhelmed to do anything. I've lost 10 pounds since taking this job. I'm 110-113 and haven't been this small since high school.

I am working on the art of shutting my brain off and not allowing certain thoughts to go to far, especially the "you're not good enough" thoughts. Those are the worst, and they get me down every time. The good news is, I got all my treatment plans done PROPERLY this time around, as well as caught up on Lisa Ruth's monthly from MAY when I wasn't even her case manager, as well as caught up on face sheets, as well as made over 100% productivity, as well as got all my client's assessments finished. I'm caught up, and over the weekend, I don't have to think about work at all. That's a huge deal, and I'm thankful for it.

In this job, The Lord is showing me the most incredible, breathtaking things, and through this job, I feel like I'm discovering things for the very first time. Is that strange? I feel like I am knowing myself, allowing myself to really rip off the layers of protection I built so people wouldn't see the real me, but I feel no reason to hide the real me at work, around these people I work with, both in the office as co-workers and outside the office as clients. I am a very emotional person, and I have allowed myself to feel these things so deeply and become so moved over the past 2 months. I weep over tragedy, the injustices and the unfairness of it all, and I weep over joy that prevails. I smile at the people who try, who want nothing more than to get out of the ghetto and live differently, and I wonder at their perseverance.

How incredible the human spirit is. These young boys and girls who get an education and get out are going to become so culture shocked from the white America they'll encounter, and yet white America will never go down to the ghettos and understand where the blacks came from. We'll never appreciate the courage it took to break out of that comfort zone, even if it was the ghetto, and get to another place. And the unsuccessful people without the tenacity to get out? The ones on drugs who have abusive, traumatic histories they can't get past? Those are my clients, and through all the feelings of worthlessness (because I really can't think of a better word to describe the root of this depression), I have been given the great privilege of being used by the Lord to attempt to love people as Jesus would've loved. And seeing people react to that cannot help but move you.

It has to move you.

It has to be something powerful to the point where I won't be satisfied with the everyday status quo. I don't want to be satisfied with it. Even down to the cup of cold water, and supporting my clients when no one else will, loving others like Jesus is literally the hardest thing in the world. The hardest. I don't know how He did it. But It's not easy to love people who are angry at you, so entrenched in Satan's lies that defeat seems inevitable; knowing that and loving them anyway. My flesh tells me its a waste of time, its hopeless, and that nothing will come of it. My flesh tells me I could be doing something else with my life. What sucks is I'm right. But Jesus is greater than the lies my flesh says, and my trust is fully in my Savior who saved me when no one else could.